Yeah, it's weird. There had to be something for them to not take responsibility of trying to openly work on the M with us.
I almost think that my wife wanted to get caught by me during that time about OM. Almost like her successfully hiding it validated that I neglected her, I don't know. During our BD week, I told her the one of the few things I noticed about any problems with our M was her crying at church one day. I remember it was unusual, I think I put my arm around her. At BD, she said why didn't you ask me what was wrong. I told her it seemed like it was private and she would tell me if she needed to. Anyway, it could have been OM or the M that she was thinking about, I guess I may never know.
I can actually empathize a little of how the slow fade away from the M and into the EA can happen. Especially when it starts as a friendship. It's still a choice however, don't get me wrong.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Well, off and on week. I need to detach more and GAL. I'm comfortable with my routine with the kids, but not really doing much for myself. That doesn't bother me, I'm a homebody anyway. But I do think about the sitch too much.
I'd like to figure out how to improve communication with the W. She is totally NC with me if I call or text. We've gone to counselling, but she's doing stuff with finances, kids arrangements, etc. in conflict with what we talk about there. Nothing is too big of changes right now that I can't roll with the punches but it gets me angry that it just seems like lip service and she does whatever she wants after we agree. I'm not sure a good way to get her to follow through on our agreements. I think she's nervous about her new house and finances for it, but I can't even get her to commit to take anything out of the house. Almost all of her stuff is still here and she won't walk into the house at all, even if I'm not home. I guess it's guilt, I don't know. She's been in the house a total of 5 minutes in 3 months. I'd like to separate the stuff civilly, but I feel that she's just going to come in one day and take some stuff without us agreeing or have a friend do it. I'm tempted to just change the locks, but don't want to add flaming to the situation. She's already changed Passwords to all of our joint accounts, both financially and other stuff. I get the bills here, but she changed the password to our bill pay website. When I asked her about it, she said Se would take care of it, but nothing has happened. Any ideas? She's avoiding just about everything that has to do with interfacing with me.
It's pretty immature to want to separate, but not even talk with your H about finances, property, kids, etc. I'm trying to protect myself with most of the critical items, but I don't want to do anything to make the situation worse.
Last edited by MCS; 11/21/1404:48 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
It's pretty immature to want to separate, but not even talk with your H about finances, property, kids, etc.
I think it may be more a difference in viewpoints. You may see separation as a time apart and to work out the issues. She may see it as time apart and a step toward D, IDK.
Often times, a couple needs a cooling off time before they can obtain the state of friendliness you may be seeking now. She wants space and detachment, so let her have it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yeah, I suppose you're right, its probably her time to cool off. I just wish she wasn't making so many decisions that affect both of us during this period. She bought a house w/o saying anything to me and w/o a separation agreement!
I keep forgetting that she's going through as many or more emotional ups and downs as me. It's so easy to convince myself that she knew what she was getting into when she left, that she shouldn't be so angry/bitter.
I'm pretty certain she didn't think that anyone had any clue about her other R when I confronted her about it a month or so ago. I messed up when we were talking and I told her that I was one of the last people to figure it out (I was, it took a while to get out of denial.) I think at that point she then realized that others really did see her leaving for some of what it was since it was so sudden. She had lied to a bunch of our friends and she gave each a different story so they figured it out within a week or so. Also, we really didn't have any overt marital issues (even I didn't know there were any significant issues with our M at the time, truthfully.) I'm sure she had a plan when she left and it doesn't seem like anything is going according to it for her.
Well, if that's the case. I guess I could see that it would be really awkward being around me since I know what was going on and then talking about the S. I have been giving her as much space as I possibly can. Its just tough with the kids having NC with the other person during the other's time and also when she's making these decisions that affect our finances.
Last edited by MCS; 11/22/1401:30 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Hey MCS. Just wanted to lend you a little support. I'm in the same boat as you - H is pretty much doing NC on me, too. It's tough, especially reading that so many other folks on here seem to be dealing with the opposite problem (an in-your-face WAS; not that that is any easier, mind). Like you, I keep coming back to the question of what I can do differently to change this pattern. I guess Sandi is right though - our W/H need more space.
Is there anything more you can do to protect yourself financially?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
So before BD, I literally had no clue that there were any significant issues in our marriage. We had what seemed like normal disagreements about activities and such, but we never really fought, we always seemed to resolve our issues, etc. It actually was quite the opposite of bad this last year, we travelled a lot on vacation; kids were easier to manage, we spent more time together, etc.
So during BD, my W said everyone knew our M was on the rocks and she's told everyone including me what was wrong, that I did nothing around the house or w/kids. I asked who those people were. The one's she said knew, I talked to afterwards (before DB!) and they said it was quite the opposite, it seemed as if she had some 'normal' complaints every marriage has but she told them I was doing what she had asked.
Now, objectively, we did share work fairly equally, just in different areas. We had talked about this a few times and it seemed as if we were in agreement but we could improve what the other's concerns were. I did take some actionable steps to address her concerns and from friends it seemed that she saw that.
Anyway, she's been in this evolving R with OM for quite some time during our M. ~1 year. If I remember back at that time, I was working more and the kids were younger and she would get very overwhelmed with them sometime. I don't recall her ever telling me even back then there were significant issues, either.
What folks have told me was that she did say was that she was 'Unhappy' without any real context to it. She said the same thing to me once prior to BD. I asked her why and she said she wasn't sure, so I started to give her suggestions to be happy (a 180 for me...) but she had never, ever said anything about any issues with me or our marriage.
Anyway, this was all before anyone knew about OM. Even her BFF didn't know what was going on until after I confronted the W after our S and said she should tell the BFF. Anyway, I think that about that time the R started; she got overwhelmed with the balance that a lot of women go through after kids and still working full time. We had some stresses with the kids around that time and I know that she would get overwhelmed easily. The kids were younger and demanded a lot of time (we split up caring for them for the most part, but our D needed much more attention then S) We've always struggled with the balance of her own 'free' time in our marriage even before kids and around that time she didn't have too much of it.
We had different days off from work. I would normally work mine, but for hers she would take the kids to daycare and go do her own thing. I figured this was giving her some time to decompress, but this is when she started hanging out with OM. As the R with the OM evolved, it almost seemed like she was doing things to cover up any issues in our marriage instead of address them.
I guess that's what I'm saying. For the last 1-2 years, I don't see really any effort from her to address the actual concerns in our marriage, I'm not sure where she would have checked out. Like I said up until BD, we still talked about things that concerned us, so it was like normal ebbs and flows, not that she just let me do whatever I wanted like the WAW in MWD videos. I look back at the last year and its almost like as the R with the man evolved, she started to distance herself from her friends and me and actually cover up issues. Her and I were planning our next vacation the night of her BD...
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Also during BD week, I showed her the MWD video on WAW. (Again before DB)
She didn't say anything then, but when we actually were talking that one weekend about our R, she said to me something like "When you showed me that video, I could see that eventually happening to me in our marriage anyway"
Not that it matters now, but there were a couple things she said that week that make me think that something happened with the R with the OM that was the final straw. I'm not sure if the guilt caught up with her also, but I think the R went farther than just the "friends w/ benefits phase" physically or emotionally for her and she tried to convince him that they should leave their current R's and he wouldn't leave his. I think that her leaving was her 'stand' for him. Even now, she's still pursuing him at a minimum.
Last edited by MCS; 11/22/1407:27 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Hey MCS. I'm sorry your here and I know the temptation to parse everything your W said since BD looking for a reason or something to hang on to. Some reassurance. Some flaw in OM or some sign W is failing with OM. I still do let my mind wander around those thoughts now.
I does not help you.
Of course stay engaged with her and listen. Don't listen too long. Don't focus on OM or try to tell or understand that story. This is coming from me who did likely worse than anyone here on OM thinking. It hurts too much and messes up your PMA and progress. Your only route and hope is your own self improvement and happiness. Try to write more about your successes in GAL or detaching or dealing with spew or W mood swings. Focus on what you can do today to be better you now. The past choices you and your W made are past. Put them out of your mind. Let's get better doing that together.
Last edited by HPoirot; 11/22/1407:36 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
