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Renee, I'm glad to hear you are doing better!!!!

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Dumb question.... how do you know if you've chosen someone to just fill a void? Does that mean you put up with too much crap?


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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Kimmerz I think if you're asking the question, you already have the answer.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Hey, Tad!

I didn't mean to ignore your comment on my thread, I'm just getting around to posting now.

You mentioned the loneliness you feel now that your boys are older and you're looking at all those holidays and events on your own.

Others have stated that it means you're getting through this--in the sense that you no longer feel like the "stone" you described before.

You're backing to "feeling" something--like loneliness--and that feeling is healthy and appropriate.
Your divorce was final three years ago, if I'm reading it right.

To me that sounds like plenty of time to consider dipping your big toe in the dating pool!

This girl at work does sound interesting. If I could give you any advice, it would be not to get too attached just yet.

It could be that she is just one of the "friendly" types (like me, so that's where I'm coming from) who finds you fun and engaging and chatting with you is a great way to make the time at work more pleasant.
She may have made that comment about not dating co-workers to make it clear that although she really does like you, she is not going to date you.

And that's OK. You know why?
Because she's an attractive, sweet girl who is sharing moments with you, even if those moments aren't ever going to become sexual.
For all you know, she likes girls. smile

If could be that she would be the same if you were female and just hit it off.
Sometimes us friendly types might come off like we're flirting when we're really just enthusiastic about the people we're with.

So I figured I'd throw that out there.
---------------------------------------------------------------
That said, if you can feel her out a bit more, go ahead and ask her out, but in DBing fashion:
WITH NO EXPECTATIONS.

And be prepared to do a classy face-saving maneuver if she says "Thanks, but no thanks." Let her know that you really enjoy her company either way.
No harm, no foul, no pressure, it's ALL GOOD, baby!

Be cool, and don't let a negative reply discourage you. She may turn out to be a great friend who has another great friend who would be right for you!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

It pays to know eligible people of both genders. If you think they're great, chances are, they know other great people they can introduce you to!

Who knows? She might break her "no dating co-workers" rule if you play your cards right.

I know women value men who are confident, and those they feel will protect and provide for them.
If you are well-groomed and put together, with a great personality, decent attire, a sense of humor, are humble and well-spoken, good at your job, and physically take good care of yourself, radiating a sense of health and vitality, that's really what women go for in the long term.

They say, "There's Mr. Right, and Mr. Right Now".
You let the pretty hunks work on being "Mr. Right Now" while you work your magic with all the things you've learned to show women that you can be "Mr. Right".

(And "Right Here, In Front of Your Nose" doesn't hurt any. smile )

Best of luck, and keep us posted!

---(G)GGG




Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Thanks Renee.

Yes, I'm going to go slow. As much as I think of this girl, I still do not want to rush anything. Just going to concentrate on a friendship for the time being.

Quote:
You're backing to "feeling" something--like loneliness--and that feeling is healthy and appropriate.
Your divorce was final three years ago, if I'm reading it right.


I hope so. I hope it means that things are getting better....I think I am.

As for the girl at work...I'm going to take it slow. I'm just going to be a friend for now. Like you said, I may have to just feel her out a bit more. Going to see if she'll break her "no dating coworkers" rule.

I really want to post more, but I'm very tired. It's been a busy week.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Hey everyone.

Just checking in.

Still continue to talk to the girl at work. Just being a friend right now. She still seeks me out and we have good conversation.

Tonight, S22's band is performing. I will be there and so will XW. I'll be perfectly content if it goes like the last one. She doesn't talk to me and I don't talk to her. We'll see...

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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So sorry to hear of yor loss AJM. My prayers are with you.

Hey Braveheart! How are you? Yes I am doing much better, although the happy couple is still trying to torment me. Won't even get into that story. Let just say they think they own this town and if I am seen out, it must be because I am following them. Lol

Kim, I agree with Jack. If u have to ask then u already know. Yes a lot of crap I normally would never put up with. Kinda like the last yr or so of my marriage. When one person us doing all the giving, all the work.....well "here's your sign" as the say. I mean why else would u put up with it?
Love is so often confused with loneliness. I don't want to lose him, so I must love him.......right? WRONG!!!!!

Tad stop worrying about ur physco ex and enjoy your sons show. And please, if she speaks......please smile (yes force it), and say hey and move on. wink

Last edited by sunshinelewis; 11/21/14 10:00 AM.

_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
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Thanks Renee.

Journaling/thinking out loud....

I went to S22's show. She didn't speak to me and I didn't speak to her. It was pretty much like the last show, but slightly different:

Last time: She and her friend were right up on the stage. Right up front taking pictures, laughing, having a good time.

This time: She was supposed to have 4 or 5 friends come with her. None of them showed and she hung out quietly towards the back. She left immediately once his show was over.

I realized something when I saw her: I NO LONGER KNOW HER. She used to be my life and I knew her better than anyone. Now, I DON'T KNOW HER AT ALL. It actually makes me kind of sad. There was a time when she thought the world of me. Now, she despises me. Still can't help but wonder WTF happened sometimes.

My ratties don't seem to be doing very well. They are getting pretty feeble. I just hope that when it comes time, they go quickly and peacefully without suffering. I'm sure going to miss them. Believe it or not, they have helped me more than some people could ever understand. Just wish their little lifespans weren't so short. They are such loving little creatures that really do like to be around people.

As for me, I'm doing ok I think. There are times though that I get hit with bouts of severe sadness right out of the blue. (Having one now which is why I am here posting.) They usually come once or twice a week but don't last very long, usually only about 2-3 hours. I'm not even sure why, but they usually have something to do with my life/marriage/loneliness/my ratties/holidays/the way things SHOULD be...

S19,S22 and S24 are going with me to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving. S28 will be spending it with XW. I guess 3 out of 4 isn't bad.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Sep 2011
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Hey Tad,

I know that feeling all too well. I know that I've said many times here that I know my XH so well... but then again I need to remind myself that's the old XH. I don't know him at all anymore.

The exact same thing hit me yesterday as he pulled up in the driveway to get D12. Here is a man that 4 years ago used to live here, pull into this driveway and walk through that front door every day. Now it feels like he's a man that I once knew very well but see from time to time and just exchange kid info with. And once again, how did we get from there to here? And yes it really is sad!

I too would move ( still do but far and few between now) move through waves of sadness a few times a week over such things, basically the acceptance of it all and how things are now! And yes Tad, it is sad! But it is what it is. And was you allow yourself to mourn the changes, but keeping putting one foot in front of the other, you are moving forward.

Be glad the XW stayed her distance. I've been through several concerts and an 8th grade graduation where that happened with me and I was happy about it! Then I've been to sporting events for d15 where he was talking to me about he and OW moving and needing to downsize..... WTF? Completely oblivious to the fact that he left me for this woman yet wants to talk to me about them together like a friend???

Yep keep the distance Tad, yet forgive them. For they not know what they do!

Kim


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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Quote:
And once again, how did we get from there to here? And yes it really is sad!


Amen.

Our kids are pretty much grown so we don't even have to communicate about them. We don't talk at all. Kind of sad when you realize that yes, we were married, but also very best friends.

Quote:
Completely oblivious to the fact that he left me for this woman yet wants to talk to me about them together like a friend???


Well, as I said, we don't talk, but she does talk about OM a lot to our boys. They could care less. She keeps trying to force him on them like it is no big deal. Doesn't she realize that what she did was wrong? Doubtful.

S19 told me today that she practically BEGGED him to go to her place for Thanksgiving. He is spending it with me. I shouldn't feel bad for her but I do.

You and I are on a similar timeframe. Last month was 4 years since bomb drop.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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