What an awesome ending that one had.... Smack talkin' vets . Heehee!
I saw my doctor today. The same one H saw three weeks ago, before the vasectomy.... Interesting convo.
I filled doc in on a few of the strange little oddities that have occurred.... He is thoroughly confused. He said he has dealt with many in crisis before, but none have done and said the things my H has, and yet, he has not filed for D. Doc said that's a first in his experience..... Again, winner-winner-chicken-dinner.
He believes H has not felt the loss of me yet. (DOH!!! .....ouch. I know. Where have I heard that before?). And when he does? Well, who knows. He also believes I may likely move on before H can get his chit together.
Nothing I haven't heard TWENTY MILLION TIMES here..... But, still good to have doc validate it all. He is definitely intrigued.
I'm good. I'm sooooo good. I'm feeling more like I'll be ok, no matter what. I have said this before. I have felt this before.
It's this never-ending peeling of layers.....every time I feel like, "oh, I got it now." Then there is another layer, and I'm like, " oh....NOW I got it. I thought I did before, but now I really do." Then, another layer happens. "Ahh. See, when I thought I got it before, I kinda did, but not like THIS!"
Here's the thing. They are all "got it's". They are perfect for whatever level I'm ready to handle. And when I can handle more, another layer peels away.
It's that whole process thing. I believe it's called, "Life."
Wow ... yeah .. I am completely peeling onions too ... I have mastered detachment atleast 100 times .. pffft-not. I totally get it though and you are right, you understand these things in layers and stages, no way can you understand stage 8 till you go through 1-7 ... it sounds insane but even that makes sense with this MLC 101 class we all were forced to take.
Like yours .. mine has not filed for D either, and I have long stopped scratching my head on that one... like you she has not felt the fear of losing me either ... that whole paved smooth to home thing .. I buffed that puppy to a polish, she could ice skate home if she wanted..lol
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
What is up with you??????? Where are you???? Working and enjoying life or something? Word up. I heard "The Best of You" this morning by Foo Fighters. One of my faves. Last year, that song was like totally kicking my @ss. I told xh, the wkend before he left that I promised he'd get the best of me. That song... ugh...
Anyway, I heard it this morning and thought of YOU not xh. Go Dave Grohl. (You wouldn't believe the name reference...)
I'm here....feeling a bit introspective, although I'm not "down." Not in the least.
So. My new job. I have an office thingy, right? Yeah. And it's this newly constructed building, and everyone's offices are new. They're all excited, and have their spaces decorated and such.
My office has been naked for weeks. I mean......buck freaking naked. My desk, my chair, my computer, my printer. Naked white walls. OH! And bad lighting. Ladies, we KNOW how important that is.
What seemed, at first, like a superficial "project", actually became more telling of my current state than I would have guessed.
I felt a little ashamed. None of my personality was in my space. Why was that?
I thought I was ok with it....but not really. I lied to myself to not worry about it. People came by and commented. "When are you going to bring in pictures? We can't wait to see how you decorate your office!"
SO...remember the movie, Devil's Advocate, when Charlize Theron's character keeps painting different colors in their condo? Pressured by the other wives?? Eww. I started feeling like THAT.
Ok, yes. It was peer pressure. It was their issue with my space, not mine. They were uncomfortable with my naked walls, not me.
Or was I? Because I love decorating. I didn't love my barren office.
So which is it? Am I rebelling to prove they're not the boss of me? Or was it something else?
*****sigh*****
Fear. Dang it. Fear fear fear fn fear.
I put some kind of ridiculous self inflicted pressure on this project. So, as silly as this may sound.... I HAD TO DIG TO FIGURE OUT WHY I WAS DOING THIS TO MYSELF.
Here's what I came up with.:
1. (Dangerous word ahead) COMPARING my space to others, I felt protective of my personal life. I didn't want to display pics without a H. Nor would I display any with H. So.....I opted out.
2. The things people displayed in their offices were things they're proud of from their lives or their talents or their past. Military stuff, artwork they created, plants and flowers, zen garden-looking spaces.... My life and talent and history and background are not visually fitting, or appropriate to display. No....I was not a stripper or anything. The "display able" stuff would just not work. Not here. It would come off as show-offy. It was a reminder of old head-trash..."I don't fit in."
3. I was afraid of opening up and showing parts of me. It felt too intimate. Too vulnerable. I didn't want to be judged.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ IT'S A FREAKING OFFICE, SHINING. NOT A R. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Ok, then I got over myself. Because reality.
That ain't who I want to be. It's not who I was. Time to figure this out and be me. Because I deserve it. I'm worthy of an office that welcomes me each day. It's mine. No rules. I could do whatever I want. Change the perspective, Shining! You GET TO make this your own!!! Whoop whoop!!!! Own it!!!
So, once I identified my hesitation, what was holding me back, I had to leap. And I took one he!! of a leap!!!!
If you must know.....Craigslist has long been a designer in my home.
I enlisted his help again, and found some really fun, nice looking stuff I could afford. Pinterest helped a lil, too. Then, I went shopping in my storage garage. Found treasures. Who knew? I went crazy. Well, as crazy as one can go on a budget of around $14. (Or something close to that). It looks awesome.
Not only that......it FEELS awesome. It's mine. It makes me happy to walk in everyday.
The girls in the office were saying some really nice things about it, too! AND SO DID MY BOSS, LOL!!! I loved it regardless of their opinions.....but, yeah....I'll take the validation. Gladly.
So I smile when I come in. Not only because I love my job, and I love the people there.....but because my office is a reminder of my power to be me. It's a reminder that I still have head-trash to overcome, and that will be a life-long process. And a reminder that I CAN DO IT.
It was also a HUGE reminder, that when I take brave leaps, I tend to end up happier than I would have thought. And THEN I wonder why I waited so long.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Ok....quick update on Wacko Von Cracko.....H has been sending many many texts this week. I respond minimally, because I'm ok with status quo and not seeing him.
Today, I received a picture of his feet on his bathroom scale....he was pointing out his weightloss, as if to say, "Look, mom!"
Oh man, my friend, am I smiling big over here. That was just freakin awesome. Good on you for working through that. I had not one doubt you could do it. Not one.
And yea...that head noise..each leap you take, makes it smaller and smaller.
I am so honored to be able to watch your journey, S. And especially honored to be able to call you friend.
T....yeppers!!! I wanted a lamp on my desk, for when the fluorescent lights bug me... My lamp is younger Shining. It's even shiny. Girly. Classy-girly, tho...not middle-school locker decorating girly. And my happy lights in the corner. My happy lights are branch looking things with lights on them. I keep them in my home, year round. They are so pretty, and they remind me to feel happy. And, because no one can tell me no.
I let younger Shining do my cute accent chair. And my jar of Hershey's kisses. I work with an oil and gas company, so I displayed my pink hardhat from a previous job. On one of my shelves...heeeheee .
Pics of my kiddos are on the walls, along with other great-finds.
. Heehee!