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Hi T^2,

Yes, it does seem like our wives are similar in nature. Yes, I too am structured, like things planned, and ordered. My kids give me bit of the spontaneity and drama (and liveliness) that I desire.

Here is a funny example. My d20 lived on her own for almost a year before moving in with me. She would stay out late, even overnight, and I would dutifully text her at midnight, asking if she was ok. After a few weeks of this, d20 wore me down and I now only check in on her every other night.

What void did my W fill for me? She always was into something new, meeting new people, and getting into trouble. All of this was something I enjoyed adding into my life. I also liked being the person my W looked to when something wasn't working out. I thought we complemented each other really well. And yes, I really miss having this part of my W in my life.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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I get that.

How can you fill that void yourself, without W, kids, pets, goldfish?

How can you meet your own needs?

smile


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Originally Posted By: TSquared2
I get that.

How can you fill that void yourself, without W, kids, pets, goldfish?

How can you meet your own needs? smile


That's the hard part now isn't it? I'm filling the "void" by spending more time out with friends and family, meeting new people myself (thru 'Divorce Care'), and learning new things - I've been to 2 cooking classes which I really enjoy. I plan on continuing the cooking classes in the future.

But it's not the same as sharing my life with someone else.

Maybe if I joined a Rock Band, oh wait, that's already been done - by you. It must be fun, but does that come anywhere near to filling the "void" your W left in your life?


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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You can do the same thing that your wife does that appeals to you. Go out and do new and different things. If you are anything like me (incredibly shy) make yourself talk to strangers everyday. It could be at the grocery store line, in a video store. You name it. I will admit I really push myself there. My girls constantly tease me, "you are not shy Mom. You talk to so many people!". If they only knew how hard that really is for me.

Keep the parts of her life that shake yours up and that you enjoy. You and your life will begin to change .

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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Well, wet, I had years of "bad" chaos and spontaneity (a.k.a., crazy)...so I am actually enjoying the quiet, the structure, the planned-ness (with lots of wiggle room, this I took from how stbxw was and made it "medium") ...the peace. Sometimes it does feel weird though, tbh. But if it didn't feel weird at times, it wouldn't be change, right? smile

When I occasionally remember or miss the "good" chaos and spontaneity, I remind myself of the "bad", and store away the memories of the good. That usually puts a reality perspective on things.

I also have all 3 boys living at home, full-time. So between cooking, cleaning, school-bus driving, activity driving, grocery shopping, purging her "hoard", etc, by Friday I am "done" done. smile crazy

My band does help, a lot, 1 practice a week, and I have to practice on my own for 30-60 minutes a day.

Some things I do:

Exercise
Like kat, I talk to strangers (very unlike the old me)
I cook, a lot, I find the concentration calming.
Meditate
Read for pleasure (currently reading the Game of Thrones series)
Go to the free REI classes, even if it not some activity I do.
Spend time hanging with my sons

One thing I started doing a couple/3 or so years ago was try some things I used to do, but quit doing during the M:

Backpacking
Fly-tying
I built a couple model tanks and airplanes
Leather working

Slowly I've built an idea in my head of what I want my life to look like. I had 3 years to ponder it, lol!

Now I can build that life.

Like kat asked, what are some things she did that you can bring into your life? Cat breeding? wink

What are some things you did, and really liked, when younger that fell to the side during the M? Try them, see if they still are fulfilling some.

What do YOU want your life to look like, whether or not your W reconciles?

Because you are going to have to start building that life, if you reconcile, because it would not go back to the way things were. And if you D? You will have to do it anyway if you are not wanting to stay "stuck". Being how I am, I'd rather have a blueprint in place before any final decision is made...

What say you? wink


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Quote:
Maybe if I joined a Rock Band, oh wait, that's already been done - by you. It must be fun, but does that come anywhere near to filling the "void" your W left in your life?


It fills A LOT...male friends fell to the side during the M, and it balances out my left brain dominant tendencies. wink

These guys are all intelligent, creative, accomplished in their "real" careers, fun, positive.

And you know, not having to constantly "fix", care-take, clean up after stbxw, the mood swings, the drama, is a relief, which I felt guilty about at first, but don't anymore. I used to joke to myself that God gave me only sons because I already had a teenaged daughter (and this is long before MLC).


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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The reason I asked the original question Wet, is that in the process of me figuring out myself, and which of MY needs were met by her "way"...I wonder if I was addicted to it (and I am not a big fan of the "everything is an addiction" Psych philosophy).

My role of rescuer, fixer, counselor, protector fed some very powerful ego needs and the subsequent "feel good" chemicals in the brain.

Plus, as long as I was doing the above ^^^ , she wouldn't leave me. Which assuaged MY big core fear, abandonment.

Just something to ponder bud.

smile


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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I can attest, there's no better divorce therapy than joining a rock band! smile Plus now, I have guaranteed concert buddies who will go to see almost any band with me smile Sometimes my boyfriend will go with us, but usually it's just me, my guitarist and the bass player.

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Originally Posted By: TSquared2
The reason I asked the original question Wet, is that in the process of me figuring out myself, and which of MY needs were met by her "way"...I wonder if I was addicted to it (and I am not a big fan of the "everything is an addiction" Psych philosophy)...

Plus, as long as I was doing the above ^^^ , she wouldn't leave me. Which assuaged MY big core fear, abandonment.

Just something to ponder bud. smile


Thanks T^2. I get what you are saying. I just haven't yet processed this part of my R with W.

And guys, I get the need to do more GAL activities. I'm a wee bit discouraged after my surgery. The neuropathy on my left leg has now gone up to my hip. I had an MRI yesterday, and the surgeon is going to put me on some new medication - with a list of possible side effects that compares favorably in length with the New York City telephone book (am I dating myself with this reference?). But at least the doc is trying something.

But I've enjoyed the first part of the weekend - went to "Mockingjay" with d17 and s13. They enjoyed it (when the objective in the movie is to save Peeta, you've already lost me.) It's always nice having the home filled with the three kids (d20 included.)


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
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I have not written about my dealings with my W in a while, and so here is my update. There is one dating site that you can actually Google the dating profiles of its members, and my W was on this site for the past several months. I Googled her pseudonym last night and she is no longer showing up on there.

I saw W on Friday afternoon when I picked up the kids. She was still in her pajamas with no make-up (which is unusual for her). I worked a bit on her computer to try and get her Photoshop working - I was unsuccessful. There was a file missing, and I've emailed her a couple of ways to fix this problem this weekend.

I am only observing, no conclusions being drawn, or expectations given. Nothing has changed in my dealings with W, and so this is all I can see right now.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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