Ts On my phone here... Which question did I dodge as I assure you it was not intentional and I would like to answer
As far as the list ... The turnings I like about me now... Top 5 I'm an excellent father I have a great personality I am dedicated I am a good person I have my priorities in order
Pre-loss me Care free spirit High energy Funny ... Talking hilarious here Wild Lived in the moment
Granted some of these just faded with age ... But a few I am working on getting back as they actually were a huge part of the things I really felt I had to offer people
Especially that "Live in the moment" part (that's where detachment may live)...
Ok, ready?
Let's assume you where parentified as a kid, and that's probably pretty safe to assume.
--You were put in a position that no kid can possibly live up to.... being an adult as a kid. If you took care of things, your siblings, maybe your Mom while Dad was out of town, then you would be loved, approved of, etc. But you were a kid, how could you ever be an adult? If you could only succeed...because if you could, you'd be loved, accepted, approved of, validated...but you were a kid...what kid can truly be an adult?
--You escaped that, joined the military, became a man, etc.
--You married your W, married up from what you've told ("escaping that box"), putting yourself in that same position, having to work really hard at being "enough", working hard to fit it, learn which damn fork does what, because if you could, you'd be loved, accepted, approved of, validated that you weren't just regular ol' po' trash.
--You recreated your family of origin dynamic, hoping to be successful THIS time, because there was no way you could have succeeded being an adult as a kid.
As Morpheus said... "Hm"
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
This is what I realized for me. My father was a wonderful, sweet, kind, gentle man who did not know what to do with my mother. So, he retreated into himself.
So, I had to become the parent to my younger sister and in some ways, the parent of my parents. Tried really hard, did everything I could...but it wasnt enough.
I married my h and he has really high standars of how things were supposed to be done. I worked really hard because I didnt want to fail again. I couldnt fail again. Otherwise that would mean my mother was right. That would mean I really wasnt worthy.
But I couldnt make him happy, Cal, no matter what I did because you cant make someone else happy. You just cant. They have to do that for themselves.
I sense you not wanting to go to where you need to with this. Some hesitation. I get that. I didnt want to either.
How did it make you feel that it was never enough. What feelings did that bring up? Are they similar to feelings you may have had as a child?
This was the question you missed, Cali
It was a long time before I faced that question. It was one of the other posters (GolfMom?) that pointed it out to me. She wasn't being kind, but it helped in ways I hope to thank her for one day. It was more recent than I would care to admit to, but it happens as it happens. For me, I had a great childhood. My parents were awesome. Until I was 14. On my 14th birthday my mom was diagnosed with leukemia and hours from death. We thought she had a bad cold. She did, but she had cancer too. Just after my 16th birthday she lost that battle. My father lost it for many years after that. Looking back, I may have been looking to my W's family to be my surrogate family. That's a lot of pressure as I crossed the line and wanted her to be like my mom. Not to me, but like her (that's not abnormal per se; family of origin is what people know as normal. It's not fair to my ex though). And I don't know that I had a lot of time to really get to know me. I was in the Corps just after my 18th and married at 20. My daughter was born when I was 24.
Life comes at you fast. You do what you can with what you have. But until I realized that point above, I was as stuck as could be. Much better progress since.
Happy story - my father and I became very close, in part because of ex w and her trauma-drama. I miss my father, but I am incredibly grateful for the chance to really get close again.
Quote:
But seriously, my sitch is reversed, so why did I feel unappreciated? I provided more than her family of origin did, but still, it wasn't enough, so I felt.
Curious T - what did your W say about it? Just for reference.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Ok ... so I woke up this morning and took my bike in for service .. well the appt is next week ... SMH ... no more jokes about MLC memory for me ... lol
W has some of my fathers traits ... I have always known this .. that whole you marry your parents thing, it was a given .. and yeah, I see some similarities, I too wanted her family to be more like the family I imagined, funny thing was it felt so different and foreign I just had a hard time accepting it .. had a hard time thinking I was good enough. W and I discussed this a few months ago .. she thought I felt I was to good for her family, never the case in fact quite the opposite.
This is what I realized for me. My father was a wonderful, sweet, kind, gentle man who did not know what to do with my mother. So, he retreated into himself.
So, I had to become the parent to my younger sister and in some ways, the parent of my parents. Tried really hard, did everything I could...but it wasnt enough.
I married my h and he has really high standars of how things were supposed to be done. I worked really hard because I didnt want to fail again. I couldnt fail again. Otherwise that would mean my mother was right. That would mean I really wasnt worthy.
But I couldnt make him happy, Cal, no matter what I did because you cant make someone else happy. You just cant. They have to do that for themselves.
I sense you not wanting to go to where you need to with this. Some hesitation. I get that. I didnt want to either.
But it is the only way to the other side.
Yeah .. I realized the same thing. W became impossible to make happy .. and in turn, failing to make her happy made me miserable. But ... yeah ... I catch myself still trying, not sure why .. I know I can not make her happy, she has to find her own happy ... I get that. It pains me that I can not be a part of that deep down ... that's the fixer in me .. the little boy who just wants to make his father proud, do everything right and be loved for it. Thats no life ... it isn't .... in fact its paralyzed me from finding my own happiness, so wrapped up in trying to serve others I never put energy into myself, and now that I am doing it .. it feels selfish, its strange .... almost like I want to punish myself for failing by being miserable at times ... not sure why this is .. just thinking out loud here. I have been ginving this some thought ... even before BD, it seemed she was always just looking for something to yell about, my anxiety level was high .. I do not want that... maybe it was early MLC .. who knows .. she does have her own stuff to get through .. just as I have realized I have a ton more than I thought.
