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I often tell my kids "I'm more than happy to help you do anything that you cannot do yourself."


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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...and just as Sandi predicted, Starsky came through with the perfect words...

What a tag team! smile

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mikechc Offline OP
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Thank you Sandi2.

Starsky are you out there? What's your thoughts on how to respond??

What about "Is there a reason you don't want to do it?".


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I just gave you my thoughts on how you should respond.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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mikechc Offline OP
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W asked me yesterday if, since I was off work, I could take my son to basketball practice. I already had plans for my day off. I asked her what time. 10 - 12. W had to work. Did she not know about this before? Then she asked me if I could take them to the dentist at 4:30. W gets off at 2:30. I asked her if there was a reason she couldn't do it. She said no, I just thought since you were off. I told her I had plans and wished she would have mentioned this before. She threw a fit. Then the silent treatment last night and this morning. All she said was "by" with an attitude as she left to be with OM. At least Sat morning was her normal time to see him, back when I was tracking her moves. I'm just tired of her telling me what to do! Standing up for myself. Probably did it all wrong, but doing the best I can.


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I do this too often myself. Staying flexible for W and then showing it. If you had plans... or if you might... Don't ask her "what time?" or what her reason is or anything else. Just practice automatically and politely saying "oh, I already have plans" and then STFU. Don't explain yourself and don't say you're sorry. This is hard for me. The first time I pushed back on a simple request from W I felt terrible. It's interesting how they still expect you to be helpful kind understanding husband when they're in an A. Oh, that's the impression we gave them of ourselves. That's why they went to OM. If anything's going to change, we can't allow ourselves to be seen as doormats.

Last edited by HPoirot; 11/22/14 07:16 PM.

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Thanks for the message. I needed to here that.


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W still mad at me. Hope this is doing what it is suppose to be doing. Re-asserting myself as the Alpha male. Staying positive and happy despite her pouting angry demeanor.


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Originally Posted By: mikechc
W still mad at me. Hope this is doing what it is suppose to be doing. Re-asserting myself as the Alpha male. Staying positive and happy despite her pouting angry demeanor.



She's testing you, to see how quickly you'll cave. Once she finally sees that her little hissy fits no longer hold their old power of you, she'll switch gears to something else. Like being super sweet, or using sex to control you.

Stay consistent, and you will see!


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
Yea man,

The gym has helped me alot (cant sleep anyways...up at 4am). My wife has seen a db councelor (Denise) I will talk with Denise today. I find that the W is confused and filled with guilt over this. She has "detached" from me sexally and passionatly and looks at other (remarried or OP) and wishes that for her and me....this could be your wifes issue also. For me it is a waiting game.


NO, it's SO NOT a "waiting game". You have work to do.

And telling someone else to give an ultimatum in their situation, when you had not read the DB books was premature. It's advised AGAINST in DBing, btw.

And there are several good reasons for that. Have You read the books yet?

I see you are talking to Denise but have you READ the books that form the basis of this site's philosophy? You can use another approach but I strongly believe in using ONE CONSISTENT approach, whatever it is. Don't mix them up or you'll be unfair to both and imo, less successful by that.

Sorry for the hijack...


-- Lots of pain right now, much love for her and my kids. All I can do is wait and show her and the kids that I have changed and support her (difficult cause I do resent the fact that she is considering S and the OM).

Anyone have thoughts on my refusal to move out?


Most of us think that moving out can be used against you legally (you can check with a L) and or at least be seen as you quitting or abandoning the family.

OTOH, if things are truly that tense, & you might go nuts OR lose your temper, (which you simply CANNOT do)

then I could see a Temporary agreement to sleep elsewhere. I'd be loathe to sign a lease however. That's too "non temporary" and just feels like it'd be going too far away. Too "official".

Do you have a friend with an extra room, or a family member? Again, it depends on your alternatives. Don't stay home in someone's face if they are visibly resenting you. Get Out of the house when you can and if it means taking the kids, then do it. But don't be in a situation that is a no win b/c you will probably lose your head at some point.

Seriously, GAL makes all of this easier. And you cannot detach without GAL. So start there and keep up with the 180s.

Again, sorry for the hijack! Hopefully this will apply to more than one...



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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