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It's obvious I didn't have a very good DBing week. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll try again.

No more mentioning the OM and if she starts to gush, shut it down.

If she starts getting angry and spewing at me, sshut it down.

Continue working on me and not worry about W so much. Thinsg will settle down.


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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Quote:
Things will settle down.

Well, they may not for quite a while, but you will be better at handling it.

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No, definitely a marathon


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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Originally Posted By: Rzrback
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
You could choose to run your own life and let W run hers.

Vanilla


And that's almost the hardest thing of all. I want to steer her in the right direction and I know I can't.


It is the vital thing, only W can steer W.

Do it. Try is an excuse word, a weak word, a word we use when we set ourselves up for explaining failure. Replace try with do as in I will do this today not I will try again. PMA. Put all of your energy into it. It is hard work but worth it, if you read the wonderful successes in some threads it is really worth it.
Stay strong

Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 11/22/14 04:24 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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With my bad DBing week, I decided to read the 37 rules again. Sometimes it helps me to rewrite what I read in my own words. Here's some rules I came up with that I'm trying to follow daily. They're man-centric, but many can apply to women as well.

1. Don't beg, plead, or argue. Nothing drives away a woman more than neediness.

2. Unless your wife is a sociopath, you have some role in the breakdown of your marriage. Man up and accept responsibility for things that are your doing. Own your mistakes.

3. The first step in dealing with your situation is to accept that you only have control over yourself. You have no control over your wife, her emotions, or her choices.

4. Work on yourself. If you drink too much, take steps to stop. If you're out of shape, get back in shape. If you have a temper, learn to count to 10 and reign it in. Go to individual counseling if necessary.

5. Believe nothing that your wife says. She will find anything she can to justify why she feels the way she does. My wife even criticized me for reading books more than she did. She is lost, hurting and confused and will speak as negatively as possible. She will be cruel at times. Count on it.

6. Some call this a roller coaster ride, I call it a yo-yo. Your wife will be angry at you one day, and affectionate the next. That mood can change by the hour sometimes. Do not hang on everything your wife does or says, analyzing everything that's positive or negative. You'll drive yourself crazy.

7. The bad news is that this is a marathon, not a sprint. You will dig into new reserves of patience that you didn't even know you had. Take it day by day.

8. Discipline is the thing. You will need to stay mentally disciplined. It's vital that you remain calm, confident and positive while your wife rides out her emotional storm.

9. Increase your sexual market value. Lose weight and get in shape. Update your wardrobe and hair. Start smelling better. Be outgoing and interesting. Work on maintaining eye contact when you talk to people, especially women. Pick up new activities or rediscover an old one. It helps if that hobby has a masculine edge, i.e. martial arts, sports, or shooting. Your wife will start noticing that you're more attractive and, perhaps more important, she'll realize that other women will find you more attractive as well.

10. Work on becoming the best man you can be. Be a better father to your children. Start taking care of projects around the house that you might have blown off before. Be calm, strong, positive and masculine at all times, regardless of what your wife is feeling.

11. These changes cannot be for your wife. They must be for you! You must want to be a better man for it to stick. Your wife will see through anything you do that's intended solely to get her back. Look at this as basic training to prepare for the remainder of your life. It will suck going through it, but you will come out on the other side a stronger person.

12. If you think that there's any magic words or deeds that will get your wife back, forget it. The only thing that can (not will) influence her to choose you again is persistent change. She needs to feel safe in order to be attracted to you. She's built an emotional wall to protect herself from further hurt. There are no explosives that can bring that wall down all at once. The wall has to be dismantled brick by brick.

13. Don't think that your wife is ignoring you. She's watching you like a hawk. Consistency, consistency, consistency


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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3 above

3 above

smirk

Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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3 is what I forgot the most this week


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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Rzr,

That's an interesting way of reframing Sandi's list. Whatever works for you!

I do see a lot of parallels between you and HP. I must be careful to check who's thread I am in before composing a post! crazy

You're doing really good. Sure, there'll be some hiccups along the way. I think you're slowly starting to understand DBing in general. Keep going! smile

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Thanks Wonka. I'm not overly proud of how I did this week, but I'll just keep going. What I posted was not to replace Sandi's rules, but rewriting things like this helps it solidify in my head. I included a couple of things that someone in another forum gave to me as well.

My weekend with her has actually been somewhat pleasant. She's not exactly affectionate, but I see glimmers of the old W. She seems to be happier with herself this weekend too.

At Thanksgiving next week I'll be saying a silent prayer of thanks for you and all the posters here. This place is my haven right now
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Rzr,

That's an interesting way of reframing Sandi's list. Whatever works for you!

I do see a lot of parallels between you and HP. I must be careful to check who's thread I am in before composing a post! crazy

You're doing really good. Sure, there'll be some hiccups along the way. I think you're slowly starting to understand DBing in general. Keep going! smile


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Rzr,

Originally Posted By: Rzrback
Thanks Wonka. I'm not overly proud of how I did this week, but I'll just keep going.


We ALL have done things that we weren't proud of, stumbled, fumbled, f*cked up royally, fallen short, etc. Don't be too hard on yourself. Read and learn.

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