My MLC Zombie Apocalypse Part III

[CaliGuy]

Thank you for sharing your stuff about your childhood. I apologize if you had shared that before.

I asked about it for a couple of reasons. One of which was that I was kinda feeling something from you. The other is that it plays a significant role in who we are and what we bring to our relationships.

I learned to always wait for the other shoe to drop. If my mom was in a goofy happy drunk mood, that meant we had 15-20 minutes of time before it could change dramatically. If she was grumpy, we had less time. The next day she'd act as if nothing bad or violent had occurred the night before so I learned to not trust my perceptions...and instead to trust my fears.

This was my Father, SUPER happy or just a Tyrant

I tried really hard to be a good girl, to do the right thing, to try my hardest all in the hopes of having my mother like me. I thought if I did all of that, than she would stop drinking. When she didn’t I learned that I must not be worthy enough. My mother was very overt in how she felt about me. I didn’t measure up in her eyes. I know now that was because of how she felt about herself, but, back than the little girl just felt unlovable.

I brought some of that into my marriage. My xh had his own issues. I allowed him to make me feel less than. When all of this happened, the feelings of that little girl came back..the feelings of being not enough and of being abandoned.

Ok ... yeah .. spot on

Because of your childhood, I understand more why you feel as you do. You need to heal the little boy, Cal. The one who didn’t feel safe and cherished as a child. You may have liked the freedom, but, you didn’t get what you should have from your parents. It may explain some of why you acted as you did in the marriage and why you are feeling what you do now.

I agree with the sentiment that my mom did the best she could. Do I wish she didnt drink? Yep. Did I blame her for it? Nope. I am not a victim. Where I came from shaped me into who I am. And I like me. .

Looking into your childhood doesnt have to mean that you are condemning them, Cal. It doesnt mean you have to view yourself as a victim either. It just allows you to find more pieces to the puzzle that is us.

Yeah ... hence why I can point to the BIG issues when my father died. The W never liked him, and would say things like "You are just like him" all the time ... once he died ... I recall going through some serious pain ... he and I were finally close and granted you can not change the past, I forgave him .. but was looking forward to many more years of getting the love from the one person I craved it most from which was him. So .. in a flash he was gone .. and that anger went towards my W.

I have owned that ... got a grip on my anger, and have let that part of my life go.

[CaliGuy]

Then she asks me "Cali what do you want from me?"

Why do you think she asked this?

Well .. seems she wants me to make decisions for her .. I have seen this in other peoples sitches

that I know she is not in a place where she could give anything and that is ok.

Cal, Cal, Cal...ok, read that...^^^.

I left it at that ... then she tells me that I never cared about family before, I stayed calm and told her that was not true, all past events and things I can not change.

And round and round you go. Why? Cuz you are still so engaged with her. She left. She wants out. Yet things are still pretty much the same for her. Cal is right there.

I know .. I know .. I do not know how to detach and not slam the door in her face .. thats my biggest hurdle here.

[uRworthy]

ok, you gotta be willing to really roll up your sleeves here, C, because the ride is going to get bumpier.n This journey aint for the faint of heart.

You said you felt that you didnt measure up when it came to your wife. How did that manifest itself in how you were in the marriage? It was more than just anger, right?

[uRworthy]

You dont do it as a ploy. You just fill your life up. You cant answer her right away because you really are busy.

I know its hard with a young child. First you have to be detached in order to know how to act it.

You are still in her head. Get outta there because its crazy all up in there right now.

Keep your interactions as if she is a neighbor. Light, pleasant, to the point. Unless its an emergency about your son, you dont always have to answer her texts right away.

You need to be moving forward, she needs to see you moving forward.

You cannot figure her out no matter how you try. Focus has to be on you and your son.

YOu can do this, C.

[CaliGuy]

ok, you gotta be willing to really roll up your sleeves here, C, because the ride is going to get bumpier.n This journey aint for the faint of heart.

You said you felt that you didnt measure up when it came to your wife. How did that manifest itself in how you were in the marriage? It was more than just anger, right?

Well ... I worked, worked hard and ofcourse it was not enough, did not make enough .... so I took on a second job, DJ'ing ... I enjoyed it, got me out of the house and I am very good at it. So that filled my ego some .. but also took its toll, late nights left me exhausted. And it did not help leaving her alone all the time. I thought I was doing my part in providing for the family ... but at a cost. So ... distance, even during the week, over time .. we did not watch the same shows together ..... I could not get close, no sex, little affection ... years of this lead to emotional separation. We had issues and had our problems. She had "guy" friends ... I ran one off about 12 years ago .. felt he was a bit to close .. she never forgave me for that .. so after that she kept her friends pretty private. The OM ... I never heard of .. but they knew each other 4 years prior to BD

[CaliGuy]

You dont do it as a ploy. You just fill your life up. You cant answer her right away because you really are busy.

I know its hard with a young child. First you have to be detached in order to know how to act it.

You are still in her head. Get outta there because its crazy all up in there right now.

Keep your interactions as if she is a neighbor. Light, pleasant, to the point. Unless its an emergency about your son, you dont always have to answer her texts right away.

You need to be moving forward, she needs to see you moving forward.

You cannot figure her out no matter how you try. Focus has to be on you and your son.

YOu can do this, C.

Thats what I have been doing .. or trying ... but like now .. so after the phone call she TM that I need to get with S's school and get on the Email list Followed by
W:"Why don't you reply? Its like talkine to a wall with you, Its about our son Not us"
M:"I will contact the school"
So .. easy .. I call the school and get on the list ...
W:"I asked over a month ago"
W:"Look you ignore my texts and when it comes to S its nowcommunicating via him. Why??"
M:"I called the school, they now have my email in the database. It is all taken care of, I will receive everything here at work"

W:"Fine, I have no idea what I've done to deserve all this crap"

W:"See what I mean? You just choose to continue to ignore and laugh behind my back"

W:"I wish you would see how hurtful all those years you stayed back has done (Talking about me not always going up to her family events) I wish you knew how embarassing it was to have to lie that you were working (Actually I usually was) when you didnt care about S nor me nor my family

W:" And now all the sudden you want to be a part of my family? Why?"


Seems she is on a good one ... again .. I am kind of numb to this stuff now, it used to really get me worked up, and I would try to validate, calm her ... but realized .... those things only suck me into her madness.
I have not responded ... and turned the read recipts off on iPhone so she will not be able to tell I read them (Had to to get all her stuff here...lol)

[uRworthy]

I dont want to make this about her. I want it to be about you, Cal.

How did it make you feel that it was never enough. What feelings did that bring up? Are they similar to feelings you may have had as a child?

[CaliGuy]

I dont want to make this about her. I want it to be about you, Cal.

How did it make you feel that it was never enough. What feelings did that bring up? Are they similar to feelings you may have had as a child?

No ... different ... as a kid I grew up poor ... so it felt like I was put in this box, not allowed out, poor kids can not play with rich kids and I never understood why.

With the marriage .. it was more like .. ok I got out of that box, no one knows that history about me .. but for whatever reason I still feel like no matter what I do ... it is not appreciated. That was frustrating then I discovered this is how her mother is .... the kids can never do enough unless you are the favorite, so I decided to love anyways, accept this is her and all she knows ... I could relate to that. Not being taught how to use the salad fork for example ... things she knew I did'nt ... things I knew she did'nt ... we taught each other.

[uRworthy]

Yea, all of that will happen some when you start to detach. Not your problem at the moment.

She wanted out. Her choice. And that choice has stuff that comes with it. One of which is that Cali isnt at her beck and call.

When you detach some more, you will have to think about some boundaries.

I know its scary for you to let her go, Cal. I know you worry that it will send her further away. I know you think that any interaction is better than no interaction.

But you matter, too. You can be kind and friendly. You dont have to listen to spew, though. That's no ok.

[TSquared2]

ok I got out of that box, no one knows that history about me .. but for whatever reason I still feel like no matter what I do ... it is not appreciated.

Ok, Cali, I have the opposite problem, I know the little fork is for throwing at the person who took the last piece of bacon...

But seriously, my sitch is reversed, so why did I feel unappreciated? I provided more than her family of origin did, but still, it wasn't enough, so I felt.

Was it me? Or her? Or both?

You kinda dodged UR's question a bit... I'm guessing there are more similarities than you may be comfortable with?

Tell me about your lists, the things you like about you now, and the things about your younger, pre-loss self please.