Wow that one went fast.... sticking with the same title until there is a change that inspires me to create a new one ... it just seems so fitting and reminds me I have to detach and love from a distance so I too will not become a Zombie
So ... Last night I stopped for Gas, they have that junk to sell ya all over, I notice this bucket of bracelets .. Owls .. Thats W's fav thing, always has been .. she has a think for owls ... so .. for a buck I tossed one (her fav color) with my stuff and gave it to S to give to her.
She TM me; 10:30-W: Thanks for the Owl Bracelet. S gave it to me today. I love it
12:08-Me: You're Welcome Glad you liked it
12:13-W: Not feeling well. Wish you could take him tonight
12:25-Me: Sorry you are'nt feeling well, I would take him tonight if I could
12:27-W: Can you drop him off? I'll grab dinner but the 2 hour commute home is killing me. I just stopped at Costco and no Chicken. If not I'll be late
12:28-Me Sure I can drop him off
12:39-W Thanks. I owe you
SO I am trying to approach the TM in a nice friendly way ... if anything seems to go south or becomes testy .. I just go dark. Took some time but its been working better overall
I feel for her, she has always struggled with not feeling well. And one of the reasons she left ... was because she felt I increased her stress levels that impacted her health ... me detaching and her still ill has slowly started making her admit she blamed me for alot of things. I did appreciate the fact she was looking inward.
I would love to help her .. but I know I can't .. and the bracelet .. I just thought would be a nice thing for S to give her ... I know I should not have done this .. but a random act of kindness is hard for me to shut down .. I would have done this for anyone if I seen something for a buck that made me think of them.
Cal, I had a long post to you on your other thread and just when I was about to post it, the thread got locked. So, I will have to rewrite it. Darn it. Yea, I know, you are disappointed. LOL!
I think your childhood is very important for you to look at for your journey.
Ok, so, you need to get out of your head, man, regarding her.
Um, you still need to work on the detaching thing, ya know? You are overthinking stuff and its making you a little crazy. You are detached when your actions and words are yours without worry as to how she will react or if you should or shouldnt. You just are. You just live.
The bracelet was a nice thing. Should you have done that? I dont know. That's for you to decide. Did it help you in the detachment department? What would have happened if she responded differently?
Be careful of always bailing her out. I have to wonder where the natural consequences are for her. I dont mean you should provide them. I just think you shouldnt stop them from coming.
I know you feel badly that she doesnt feel well. But, there isnt anything you can do for that. She has to figure that out.
So growing up I was the oldest and in charge, I did not want this nor care for it....
Were you responsible for meeting just the physical needs of your siblings (cooking, cleaning, fixing bikes, etc)? Or emotional too?
How about for your Mom, since Dad was gone a lot?
Painting a real fine picture of my parents here .. but it is what it is. (My father actually gave me a heart felt apology for all this when he and I reconciled) To answer your question... Both ... we were on our own for a good chunk of my childhood, parents had me young (19-17) so when I was in my teens they were still early 30's and party people ... so most nights it was just us kids at the house ... I cooked... sometimes mom would come home to cook, then back to the bar, never cleaned enough for father to be happy .. memories would be everyone in bed as the two of them come home sloppy drunk ... eat like that David Hasselhoff video ... and then argue about stuff stupid drunk people argue about.
Thing is ... my perspective ... I could have let all that run my life, I joined the military to escape .. and I did. Sure I could blame them the rest of my life ... but they worked hard and did provide, they did the best they could .... did I care for the hand that I was dealt ... no .. but I survived.
You may want to do a bit of research on "parentified child" and see if that "may" be driving some of your inner motivations and reactions.
Quote:
Adults parentified as children experience the following things:
Fear that they cannot adequately meet their own expectations and demands Poor self-esteem A feeling of disconnection from their real self Feelings of incompetence Underestimation of their own intelligence Overestimation of the importance of others Shame, guilt, anxiety and depression Feeling like they’re still children, who can’t cope with being adults Taking on the role of caretaker Work addiction Codependency/Acceptance of too much responsibility
Quote:
Sure I could blame them the rest of my life ... but they worked hard and did provide, they did the best they could ....
GOOD FOR YOU!!!! ^^^^^^^^
And give yourself some of that realization too buddy...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Cal, I had a long post to you on your other thread and just when I was about to post it, the thread got locked. So, I will have to rewrite it. Darn it. Yea, I know, you are disappointed. LOL!
Actually I am ... I look forward to any response as I know it will continue me in the correct direction
I think your childhood is very important for you to look at for your journey.
Ok, so, you need to get out of your head, man, regarding her.
Um, you still need to work on the detaching thing, ya know? You are overthinking stuff and its making you a little crazy. You are detached when your actions and words are yours without worry as to how she will react or if you should or shouldnt. You just are. You just live.
The bracelet was a nice thing. Should you have done that? I dont know. That's for you to decide. Did it help you in the detachment department? What would have happened if she responded differently?
I can say honestly .. I did not really look to much into this. was just a dollar thing and thought it was cute from S. No expectations on my part whatso ever .. and a no response would have been just as well
Be careful of always bailing her out. I have to wonder where the natural consequences are for her. I dont mean you should provide them. I just think you shouldnt stop them from coming.
I know you feel badly that she doesnt feel well. But, there isnt anything you can do for that. She has to figure that out.
Ok .. mini update to follow concerning the Orange
So W just called. Out of the blue ..asking how my day is .. then complaining she was not feeling well. Someone wearing perfume .. I just listened for the most part waiting for her to get to the real reason she called .... so she starts in on the Holidays. Asks what we should do ... I told her it was my understanding that she was going to BIL's .... she asked if I had plans, I told her I have a few things I am still considering.... she prys ... I deflect ... not wanting her to guilt up about what I am or am not doing. She shares that there is not "family" (hers) that she does not talk to her mother, BIL is not going there and she does not want to take S there. Then she brings up Christmas ... I told her again .. I have some work to do .. will be working that week, she was free to take S if she would like .. Or I can take him and he and I can do something special. I am not sure what she was trying to get at but I do know the Old Cali would have suggested we do Holidays as a family ... I am thankful I avoided this. She then asked about the BIL in prison and what we wrote to each other ... I told her it was more about spirituality and just life ... she then spewed " I hope he is not pushing for us to get back together" ... I assured her that topic has not been discussed. Then she asks me "Cali what do you want from me?" I told her honestly that I did not want anything from her ...that I know she is not in a place where she could give anything and that is ok. I left it at that ... then she tells me that I never cared about family before, I stayed calm and told her that was not true, all past events and things I can not change.
So ... thankfully .. emotionally I am in the same spot now as i was prior to phone call. Baby Steps ... If she is struggling with the Holidays, I can understand ... but my view is .. I did not ask for this but am doing the best I can under the circumstances.
You may want to do a bit of research on "parentified child" and see if that "may" be driving some of your inner motivations and reactions.
Quote:
Adults parentified as children experience the following things:
Fear that they cannot adequately meet their own expectations and demands Poor self-esteem A feeling of disconnection from their real self Feelings of incompetence Underestimation of their own intelligence Overestimation of the importance of others Shame, guilt, anxiety and depression Feeling like they’re still children, who can’t cope with being adults Taking on the role of caretaker Work addiction Codependency/Acceptance of too much responsibility
Quote:
Sure I could blame them the rest of my life ... but they worked hard and did provide, they did the best they could ....
GOOD FOR YOU!!!! ^^^^^^^^
And give yourself some of that realization too buddy...
Wow ... ok ... thats kinda creepy TS'd ... seriously ... Looks like a new line of books to research and read up on.
Thank you for sharing your stuff about your childhood. I apologize if you had shared that before.
I asked about it for a couple of reasons. One of which was that I was kinda feeling something from you. The other is that it plays a significant role in who we are and what we bring to our relationships.
I learned to always wait for the other shoe to drop. If my mom was in a goofy happy drunk mood, that meant we had 15-20 minutes of time before it could change dramatically. If she was grumpy, we had less time. The next day she'd act as if nothing bad or violent had occurred the night before so I learned to not trust my perceptions...and instead to trust my fears.
I tried really hard to be a good girl, to do the right thing, to try my hardest all in the hopes of having my mother like me. I thought if I did all of that, than she would stop drinking. When she didn’t I learned that I must not be worthy enough. My mother was very overt in how she felt about me. I didn’t measure up in her eyes. I know now that was because of how she felt about herself, but, back than the little girl just felt unlovable.
I brought some of that into my marriage. My xh had his own issues. I allowed him to make me feel less than. When all of this happened, the feelings of that little girl came back..the feelings of being not enough and of being abandoned.
Because of your childhood, I understand more why you feel as you do. You need to heal the little boy, Cal. The one who didn’t feel safe and cherished as a child. You may have liked the freedom, but, you didn’t get what you should have from your parents. It may explain some of why you acted as you did in the marriage and why you are feeling what you do now.
I agree with the sentiment that my mom did the best she could. Do I wish she didnt drink? Yep. Did I blame her for it? Nope. I am not a victim. Where I came from shaped me into who I am. And I like me. .
Looking into your childhood doesnt have to mean that you are condemning them, Cal. It doesnt mean you have to view yourself as a victim either. It just allows you to find more pieces to the puzzle that is us.
that I know she is not in a place where she could give anything and that is ok.
Cal, Cal, Cal...ok, read that...^^^.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I left it at that ... then she tells me that I never cared about family before, I stayed calm and told her that was not true, all past events and things I can not change.
And round and round you go. Why? Cuz you are still so engaged with her. She left. She wants out. Yet things are still pretty much the same for her. Cal is right there.
.