a young marriage in trouble

[lnlyshp]

Very upset with her today. Since she is going to her office party tonight, she was supposed to pick him up at noon. It is now about 2, and I have not been able to get a hold of her. I am worried that something happened to her. My MIL hasn't heard anything from her. Short of something that happened, I don't understand what's going on. Maybe she's still sleeping from going out with her friends last night. If that is the case, wow. Seriously irresponsible on her part. If she's mad at me from the last time she talked - I don't understand why she is taking it out on her son. Trying not to guess at the situation without knowing what's up, my mind is just racing.

Since I've had time to calm down about her not being here - I'm deciding that I'm just going to have more fun with my son. I cannot control her decisions towards him, and if she's going to be this irresponsible and immature, the best place for him to be is with me anyway.

[Vanilla]

Very upset with her today. Since she is going to her office party tonight, she was supposed to pick him up at noon. It is now about 2, and I have not been able to get a hold of her. I am worried that something happened to her. My MIL hasn't heard anything from her. Short of something that happened, I don't understand what's going on. Maybe she's still sleeping from going out with her friends last night. If that is the case, wow. Seriously irresponsible on her part. If she's mad at me from the last time she talked - I don't understand why she is taking it out on her son. Trying not to guess at the situation without knowing what's up, my mind is just racing.

Since I've had time to calm down about her not being here - I'm deciding that I'm just going to have more fun with my son. I cannot control her decisions towards him, and if she's going to be this irresponsible and immature, the best place for him to be is with me anyway.

How wonderful Ins. I am so delighted you have reached this understanding
Vanilla

[lnlyshp]

Still struggling today. I am so torn on how to move forward. Hope is fading. I know one of the rules is to never give up no matter how dark, but sometimes things feel pitch black. Here is the letter I wrote in counseling, hopefully it will help some of you understand my sich or even help you in some way:

To whom it may concern,

I am writing this letter as a means to say goodbye to my old relationship. Although it pains me to do so, it is in my best interests to leave that relationship in the past and move on to become a better man and a better father.

When I think about the reasons my relationship ended, I think about my behavior and what kind of person I became because of it. I became a very negative person, partially through my own bad habits, but partially because I felt that I could never make my wife happy enough. In the future, I am going to work towards being more positive and confident in myself. I want to appreciate the good in life.

I also think about how jealous and overbearing I became. Being jealous is normal when you love someone, but I took it to a place of being controlling and not allowing her to live her life. I realize now that I have to accept the things I can not change and let people make their own decisions in life.

I think about how complacent and lazy I became during the relationship. Bad habits played a part in this as well, but so too did my behaviors. I thought that since we were married and had a child that I did not have to work so hard anymore. I realize now that I should have tried much harder to make my wife happy, that I should have made more of an effort to sacrifice "rest" to spend time together.

I have so many regrets about who I have been, the choices I have made that hurt my family, and the ways that I treated my wife. But I cannot change the past, I can only work towards changing the future. I no longer have any hope that my marriage can or will be saved, but I can still make improvements to my life to become a better person. I must improve so that my son can have a good role model for a father, so he can have someone to look up to.

So goodbye. Goodbye to my old relationship. Goodbye to the overwhelming negativity and cynical person I was. Goodbye to being controlling, overbearing and manipulative. Goodbye to being selfish, lazy, and complacent. Goodbye to my bad habits.

But "hello" to a new me. "Hello" to looking at the bright side of things and finding rays of light in a storm. "Hello" to accepting people as they are and letting them live their lives. "Hello" to living life for my family, making sacrifices for the ones I love, and always striving to make the people I love feel appreciated, and making sure they know I love them.

- lonelyship

[Vanilla]

ins, these are not rules but guidelines. Not all of them will apply to all of us, if what you are doing does not work, try a new approach, do a 180. For example NC does not work with my H because H claims I was distant during M with him. So detatchment was better.

Ins, this is an important letter and thank you for sharing with us, it tells us so much about you and describes exactly how you feel. Beautifully written too.

For my perspective, I would like you to forgive yourself and let go. Nothing you could have done or said excuses W wayward behaviour. That is her own choice and whilst each of us contributes to our sitches with our actions, the growth in improving our minds and lives will ensure we move on and develop new and better behaviours and thoughts. I am very sure this will be Ins, as for one so young your insights are truly remarkable.

No one makes another person happy enough, they do this for themselves, all we can do for another is to provide the environment for change, growth and love. It is not our job to make another happy.

You are spot on, the past can not change, we can not undo a single thing we did, unsay a single thing we said, the past is the past and it is gone. Truly your old M is gone, if W and Ins begin to piece their relationship back together (and I really want that for you and your lovely S). Then a new better M will be in the making.
Take care
Vanilla

[lnlyshp]

Hello all. I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday.

Last night, I went to pick up S and W was already mad when I got there. The first thing she asked was about what we were going to do this weekend about S. I told her I think she should take him on Fri/Sat and she flipped out. I told her I had already made plans. She said I was punishing her for last weekend, and to an extent, maybe I was. I do feel in my heart that she needs to spend more time with S, and truly, I am exhausted. I need a little help and a little time to myself. I know how it sounds - I feel like a terrible father. But all I'm asking for is one weekend. She started cursing at me and generally just being nasty. I tried my best to stay calm. She kept saying how I was pushing her by trying to make her take son. I truly don't understand why she has to be so narcissistic about it. Was I upset about last weekend? Sure I was. But it's not about her - it's about what I need and what I feel S needs (to spend more time with his mother).

Finally, I give her the present I got her. It was actually just a present for a her and son, a kids book about mommies and how they had the best hugs. Thought long and hard about if I wanted to get her anything - decided that a book for her and S to read together wouldn't be so bad. Chose the book because she was so upset about what I had said and still feeling like she was a bad mom. Maybe I shouldn't have got her the book or any present - but it's Christmas and I thought it would make her feel better.

When I left - I did say something to her. I told her that I didn't understand why she had to be so mean to me. That I understood that she was mad at me but that I had been nothing but nice to her during this time. I said it because I was hurting. I didn't say it angrily, but I felt tears welling up as I said the words. She looked...abashed? After that I silently walked to the car with S and drove away.

She sent me a text minutes later saying thank you for the gift, apologized for being grumpy but that she was upset about how I was keeping score. I didn't reply. She is right that I am keeping score. But not because I want less time with S, because I feel that what is best for him is to spend some time with his mother. I don't know what to do. I have such a great respect for parents who can do it alone.

Today, I am just trying to make it through the holiday. I am going to do my best to be cheerful around family, and to have a good time. I have a heavy heart - and I wish my family was whole.

To anyone that might be reading this today - I truly hope that you have a great holiday and can find peace in your hearts. I am so thankful for the kind and caring folks on this board that have helped me so much in this difficult time.

[Vanilla]

Ins
You are definitely a fantastic young father. If you truly feel that S needs time with W then this is a boundary not an emotional issue. You have my admiration as I see you do a marvellous job. It's delightful to hear about.

This need not be a matter of 'keeping score' and I would suggest you can approach it as agreeing a schedule which works for your son. W is wayward and will try to guilt you into feeling like a poor father, but this is clearly not the position. I recollect on HPs thread there was an online diary suggested by Starksky.

Things will ease as S grows older. Ideally you need to be part of a single parent group where more experienced parents can help with some of the issues you will find. You will find this very useful and supportive to know all parents get tired. Single parents often help each other in practical ways too.

However Ins you are clearly the more stable parent here so I suspect for a while despite tiredness you will need to carry more of the burden. This is not easy, I wonder if you are eating properly yourself and resting too.

The Xmas present was spot on, what a lovely present. Excellent DB.

Ins W should not be rude to you and you did well to point that out. It would be stronger if you stated this as a boundary issue, but you will need to be specific say what you need to say the move on. 'W I felt that when you said "xxxxx' that you were trying tone hurtful, and I know that I am being the best parent that I can be. I want us to be civil to each other for the sake of S.'

If this rudeness continues please post and I am sure we can help with some scripts.

I will find the Starsky link for you and post.
Have a wonderful Xmas and (((((hugs to Ins and S))))))))
Vanilla

[Vanilla]

Are you ok Ins?

Vanilla

[lnlyshp]

Hey, Vanilla. Thank you for the advice, as always. To answer your question: Yes, I am doing great.

To update on sich: Not much has changed. But I felt that our recent interactions have been very positive. She texted to ask about when I would pick up S the other day and was very kind to me. She even made a couple of jokes and told me about some words she thought she'd heard him say, and sent me a funny picture she'd taken of him. I told her that it was great and then cut off the conversation. When I went to pick him up, she invited me in and I got his shoes and coat on. We discussed the schedule for the week and it was very easy and agreeable. Took maybe 30 seconds to work out the details and then I gave her a high five. I got in the driver's seat of car as she was strapping in S, and told her my new favorite joke. It's a corny dad joke and she said "OH MY GOD." and told S she was sorry that she "had to leave him with this cheeseball (me)." I got a kick out of her reaction. I have been thinking about her less and less, which scares me. At the same time, I think its good because sometimes I think I can feel my heart healing.

One thing I feel I should update the forum on: I met someone. When out with some friends at a restaurant, I ran into a girl from high school that was working. I asked how things were going with her S (he is 2, about the same age as mine). I asked if she was still with the father and she said no. Told her we should get the boys together for a playdate as I think my son would love to have a friend his age. Got to texting her and it turns out that she is also a LBS, and that her SO left her 5 days before W left me. It is so nice to have someone to talk to about everything that understands (besides the wonderful folks on here of course!) She is also in counseling. It is really crazy how much we have in common. She invited me to a small party at her home this week and I adjusted the schedule with W specifically so I could go. Tonight, she also asked me out on a date and I told her I would love to go.

I am taking things very slowly with this because I know we are both in difficult positions. She knows about my feelings for W/sich and she has told me that she is still in love with her SO. So immediately, I know the dangers of the situation. If nothing comes of it and she returns to SO, then I truly would be happy for her. Since I know first hand what it feels like to be in that kind of situation in a relationship, I would completely understand. I feel we have both been very honest with each other. At the same time, I would be lying if I said I didn't like her. I think it is good for me to have someone that understands the pain I'm going through, if nothing more as a friend. And, to be honest, I am really looking forward to taking her out because I haven't been on a date in so long and she is such a sweet girl.

Not getting any hopes up, but sailing towards the light.
- lonelyship

[Vanilla]

Ins
This means you have moved to LRT. You may want to read this in DB and on the board. It's striking that as you detach then W advances a little. I am not an expert on LRT there are others with more advice, I merely flirted with the idea very briefly.

I am pleased you have play dates for S and yourself. I am concerned for your vulnerability and the speed of moving on and clearly the best thing for S is his mum and dad together. Ideally you need a support group around you of mixed age single parents who are more seasoned. I still recommend this as well. You are young and want to move on with your life but there is time. Don't rush things.

W seems to be warmer and that bodes well for your joint parenting of S.

We are here when you post.
Vanilla

[lnlyshp]

Vanilla,

I have read about LRT in DR. It is what I have been trying to employ since she left. I am not sure she is advancing as much as she is responding to my plea that she be nicer to me during this time. There has still been no relationship talk. There have been no signs of reconciliation.

You are right when you say the best thing for S is mom and dad together. I would love for that to happen - although that is not something I view as realistic right now. It is not in my control. Of course I want my W back and my family whole, but I have seen nothing from her that indicates that is what she wants.

I will look into a single parent support group - I think that is a fantastic idea.

I have been toying with the idea of fate lately. I can't remember where I read it (it may have even been MWD) but I read something about getting over a divorce that mentioned, "There may be someone else in the world that needs you more."