Also should mention that I saw doctor and had hip looked at. It is not as bad as I originally imagined. A few days later and I'm feeling much better. Still tender, so I'm trying to take it easy on that area. But not in so much physical pain anymore
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
So here is my dilemma this evening. Our schedule for this week calls for W to have son tomorrow night. She just texts and explains her friend is getting married and her coworkers invited her to go out for girls night tomorrow. So she is asking if I will keep him. I am torn on what to do and how to handle it.
When I asked to switch days a couple of weeks ago so that I could get some errands taken care of, she got upset with me about not sticking with the schedule and claimed she had already made plans.
I'll be honest, I didn't have any definitive plans set for tomorrow. I was planning to go out with friends and celebrate the semesters end, but I don't imagine it would be a problem if it was pushed to Saturday. However, I almost want to say "no" on principle alone. I can't change the schedule, but she can? She asked nicely, said she would appreciate it and everything, but I did the same a couple of weeks ago and she got really mad at me. I don't think that's fair. I almost think it would be better for her (and for my goals) to miss out on it and stay home with her son.
I know that if I don't take him, she will get upset with me again and the cold shoulder will continue. If I do take him, I feel like I will be showing her that it's okay for her to break the schedule and to take advantage of my kindness and my love for my son. I feel like I lose either way.
Any advice?
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
I am pleased about the injury not being as serious as first pain indicated. How did the study and exams go?
With regard to the other decisions and You wanting W to remake your family then keep working on you.
The key question is what action you take must be best for your son. As far as I can see that is the most important decision to make. If he has a wayward mother then a loving father is vital to this S that you clearly love so much. What is best for S?
If you are achieving the best result for S then you are truly DB even if that means your schedule with S is six days a week. Make it clear to W that S comes first for both of you and this is a boundary issue for you. That is real strength.
After that it's an easy stance, stick to the schedule but frankly S comes first. You know this right?
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/19/1412:58 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Well, conversation probably could not have gone worse. Called with full intention of taking him for tomorrow, just wanted to explain that I need more flexibility for the schedule in the future (ie - not fair to say "I already had plans, lonelyship, so you're out of luck" if I do her this favor). Managed to get pulled into an argument about it. First one in almost 3 weeks. I feel so awful for what I said. I said something to the effect of "If you don't want to take care of him, I will." I meant it as "if you can't take care of him for the next few days, I have no problem doing so," but realized as soon as I said it how it would come off and how it sounded. She got upset immediately and hung up.
Called back to explain myself. She was very angry, of course. I deserve that. She angrily told me that if I think that she doesn't want to take care of her son, that she will take me to court, win full custody and I won't ever see him again. Explained that she shouldn't punish son because she was mad at me, she said that I shouldn't push her to do so. That hurt so bad. I'm very scared now. I don't want to lose my son. I tried calming her down, explaining that I was sorry for saying what I did and that it did not come off as I meant it. She was still angry. The idea that she is not a good mom has always been something she was self-conscious about, and I feel horrible for making her think that was my image of her. I've never thought she was a bad mom. I think she is a good mom. I know how much she loves our son. Told her I didn't want to fight, that I didn't know what was going to happen in the future but that I wanted to have the best relationship possible with her for the sake of our baby.
She eventually started crying and explaining that she feels selfish for wanting to spend time with her friends. I tried to calm her down, but she was still very angry at me for having said what I did. I ended the conversation by telling her I was sorry for what I said, that it was not what I meant to say and that I was sorry that I hurt her feelings. I told her I thought she was a good mom and that I know how hard she works for him and how much she loves him. She was still mad, but mostly hurt.
Shouldn't have even picked up the stupid phone and called. Shouldn't have let myself get pulled into a fight. Shouldn't have said what I did and hurt her feelings.
I messed up. Not sure I can recover from that one.
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
Yes, you can recover, we always can, but learn the lessons.
One of them is: Don't call with the intention of teaching her anything. In your case, I'd add: Don't call if it can be avoided. With my W, this kind of exchange comes down to 2 texts or emails: "Can you take D3 and D6 tomorrow?" and "Sorry I can't / Sure I will". Perhaps some logistics afterwards.
Just accepting to take care of him would have sent the signal that she needs to be more flexible. Speak with your actions.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yes, you can recover, we always can, but learn the lessons.
One of them is: Don't call with the intention of teaching her anything. In your case, I'd add: Don't call if it can be avoided. With my W, this kind of exchange comes down to 2 texts or emails: "Can you take D3 and D6 tomorrow?" and "Sorry I can't / Sure I will". Perhaps some logistics afterwards.
Just accepting to take care of him would have sent the signal that she needs to be more flexible. Speak with your actions.
I agree with Mozza. You can always rehearse what you want to text or say here on the board. I don't think you have done permanent damage here. You make this about your child Ins not about you and W.
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you both for the responses. I am still very sad today. I now have S2 for tonight, she will pick him up Saturday morning and drop him off before going to an office Christmas party. It stinks that I will not get a change to go celebrate my finals being over, but I am just going to try and make the most of the weekend I have with S.
In the future, I'm just not going to call her. I convinced myself that things were going well enough that a quick phone call to discuss this weekend schedule wouldn't hurt. I wish I would have just texted, or just gotten off the phone quickly. I thought that I was doing well with my anger towards her, but the fact that I had to say what I did (even if I didn't mean it as harshly as it came off) means that I still haven't got there yet. Any tips on dealing with anger towards a WAS? I am still in that place of rejection that Mozza talked about previously. At IC, I am working to forgive myself and to "let myself off the hook" for the failure of my marriage. After our session today (the little one will stay with my family for an hour or so), I will try and post the letter I plan to write.
Her insinuation that she would take me to court and win full custody also had me thinking last night. I don't work, I go to school. She works and makes very good money for someone her age. She probably would win full custody, although S spends most of his time with me. Not sure how that process works and have no real desire to find out. But it is something to think about. I don't think she means to follow through on what she said, although I feel it shows a bit of immaturity on her part to threaten to try and keep him from me out of anger, knowing full well that I take good care of him and love him with all my heart. My immediate instinct is to try and "win" son in court, but that is a thought out of anger towards W's words. I know that what is best for him is joint custody, and being able to see both his father and mother.
Just venting, I suppose. I am going to try stay positive about the sich, but after last night, I don't see a scenario where she wants to fix our relationship. Vanilla is right. I need to do what is best for S. Just not sure what that is most of the time.
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
Keep things to a text if possible. Keep it short and simple. Let your W escalate into phone calls, when she's ready. And then, keep it short and simple.
I understand the anger. I do. I can be fine, one minute, but when I talk to my H and he wants to do "small talk" something inside of me just snaps. But I'm starting to realize, the anger is coming from rejection, fear that we won't work out, and impatience that he's not at a point to work on our relationship. So, I'm trying to stay quiet and not talk on the phone.
As for your wife and court -- I would advise you to talk to a L. Most consults are free. When this all started with my H, I consulted a L just to see the things I should think about, do/don't do. It's a good thing I did, because unbeknownst to me my H would drop another bomb on me that day. He even suggested I move out of our House, because he needed time and space. Because I had consulted a L - I knew not to leave, and was already prepared for that situation. Go for peace of mind, but knowledge of what you could possible be against. It's better to take that time -- rather than sit and wonder what if.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Well done for putting S first. Who says you can't GAL with S?
What a wonderful way to GAL with a little one at Xmas. Find a single parents group and I will bet there are tons of activities on offer for very little $$$$. You and the little one will have a fantastic time.
You asked about anger. Anger usually comes from rejection and fear and often we are afraid of our anger. Unless you are using anger as a form of punishing yourself then it's part of the process. For me, until I decided that my anger wasn't going to help me then I couldn't let go. Letting go does not mean forgiveness or forgetting, but it helps in losing resentment. I was both afraid of being angry and afraid of not being angry. Both made me feel like I was still connected to H, I was attached. So I learned to detach and observe what made me angry.
Letting go of anger didn't feel very good, it made me worried and sick to start with as this meant my image of H had to go. I ceased to put H as the focus of my life and I felt lost.
In some ways I felt ashamed because H had rejected me. In an odd way I had given H more power in the S because he had done the BD. By taking back control I managed to leave the anger but I have neither forgiven nor forgotten. The resentment has gone and I find H and his flailing very amusing and childish instead.
So how did I work with my anger? I had IC and talked through strategies.
And then a big dose of STFU, because if I let loose I got spew and vitriol in return which cycled the anger. The odd thing is the more I STFU, the stronger I got and the less I apportioned blame. The greatest beat up was of myself. Now I say to myself about H behaviour "what an arse" and "your loss mate" and " grow up". I just grin when I think it, go away put on some music, and imagine H as a big cartoon baby. I look at the behaviour and not the person and know this is a phase. I think how awful H must feel inside to behave that way and I emphatically would not want to he him at those times.
So my strategy is STFU and using Sandi guidelines.
I do not stir the pot, pea in the soup or drop dung on my doorstep. I leave it alone and STFU.
W is pressing buttons over S to keep you in line. Ok you are a student, so what, you are a dad providing a loving home. I can't tell your time zone or location and that would be useful information for posters here who may have experience of your jurisdiction.
No letters, apologies, or chasing of W, you don't need to do that Ins. Your actions with S are enough. mozza and calibre strategy is the best one. L is important. Enjoy being with your S and go do some GAL with him.
Proud of you Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/19/1406:33 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
She is bullying you with her anger and cold shoulder. When you decide to live your life for "you" instead of living it for a WAW, you'll see how most of these type problems take care of themselves.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
