a young marriage in trouble

[lnlyshp]

Staying positive today. She is still out of town with my boy, so I'm finding new activities to do and trying to stay active. I woke up and played some disc golf today (very fun) and went for a hike with some friends.

I even began to think that I might be better off without her. I mean, I knew we fought a lot and that I was not a perfect husband by any means, but I loved her. I was a good father to our son. I did so much that was in the best interests of my family to the best of my ability. If she wants to leave and try the single life - okay. That stinks. But while she's gone I'm going to get healthy and I'm going to be a better person. Who knows what'll happen? I'm still young. I have a loving family and friends who care about me. I can still be a great dad.

If she wants a divorce, that's her decision. But if she thinks I'm just going to wait around like a sick puppy, she's got another thing coming. I'm sorry that it took so long to get through to me, but now that she has, she will one day have to see someone else reap the benefits of the positive changes I'm making to my life because of it.

I know I'm just speaking from a place of anger and rejection right now. But I need to start looking at the realities of the situation. Maybe she isn't coming back. Doesn't mean I'm gonna be sitting on the sidelines just in case.

- lonelyship

[lnlyshp]

Hello again. Got my son back this morning. Very happy to see him. When W showed up to drop him off, I was actually getting back from a run (completely unplanned). I think that surprised her, seeing me active. For the most part things were nice and friendly. I invited her in so that we could discuss the schedule for our son for the week. I told her that since she had him for Thanksgiving, I want him for Christmas. I offered to spend Christmas together (me going over to her mom's or her coming here), should have known that was a mistake. She looked upset the second I suggested it. Am I so horrible for wanting to spend Christmas with my son and trying to give her the opportunity to do so as well? She said it would be too awkward. I apologized later via text and tried to explain myself, to which she responded that she just didn't want to talk about it. I said I understood. Conversation has left me very discouraged.

I just can't stand the way she looks at me. When I brought up the Christmas thing, she looked almost disgusted. I know not to give up hope and that she hasn't had enough time yet, but it is so tough when I keep getting the cold shoulder. I want to imagine a time where she will one day love me again, very hard to picture though after that. She is so closed off to me.

Any words of encouragement/advice would be greatly appreciated.

[lnlyshp]

Huge slip up tonight. Need help.

She called and skyped my son. Afterwards, I called her out of weakness and basically proceeded to put my foot in my mouth and break several rules. Asked her if she thought she had made up her mind. She said that she thinks so. Tried to plead with her to not shut the door. She said that she was still thinking, but I could tell what she wanted to say. She said that she was much happier living without me. She said that she does not want to give things another try. That it was too painful to live with the anxiety and negativity. Told her that I will not quit until it's completely over, that she is the love of my life and that I am going to make her see that things can be different. That I am going to make her see that there is something worth fighting for. She acknowledged what I said, said she would think on things, I don't think it made a difference though. She is so shut off from me, the wall around her heart has barbed wire fences and an alligator-infested moat protecting it.

I know you are not supposed to believe what they say, but I just do not see any light at the end of this tunnel. I shouldn't have called. I shouldn't have broken the rules. I'm so dumb and weak.

Should I let her go? I do want her to be happy. Maybe the most loving thing I could do for her is to just let her go and be happy without me. Maybe we did get married too young. When she took me back, I told her I'd never take her for granted and I did. Maybe I just don't deserve her.

Please help, fellow DBers. I need some guidance.

[lnlyshp]

Bumping because I'm still looking for advice/guidance.

[Calibri]

Inlyshp,

I'm new here -- so I'm not a seasoned vet, so take what I say with the understanding that I'm still trying to figure all of this out.

I think you are still so fresh in your stitch that you need to take a step back and breathe. How long has your W been out of the house? A few weeks? I know it seems like eternity. I know you want her to come back. But the best advice I can give you is to breath and give her some space. Let both parties calm down and think. You said you want to make her see that things can be different. But what's different in the time that she's been gone? Are the changes that you're making permanent? Things you would want to do regardless of if your W left? Things that you would want to do regardless if you knew she wasn't coming home?

You're all over the place with your posts. On the 28th you said that you weren't going to wait around like a puppy. That you're still young. Now you're wanting to do anything but then you end your post with the thought..that maybe you guys got married too young and that you don't deserve her. You need this time to reflect and get to a place that is less angry and rejected. (I'm three months into my situation and I'm still having trouble with this).

You've been given a great gift (and I know it doesn't seem like it....TRUST ME, I know), the gift of time. You have time to really evaluate who you are, who you want to be. How things got to be the way they are with your W. You have time to really change yourself and to get healthy both mentally and physically. Use this time to reflect and to become the man you want to be. The father you want to be.

Read the rules. Read them often. Stop asking for reassurances. Stop telling your wife how you're going to change and actually work on it.

Good luck!

[Mozza]

If it can help you stick with the rules, think of your W as a new girl you're trying to impress. You still think of her as your W, but the rules have changed. They flipped. With your W, in a normal R, you say "I love you, you're the greatest, I'd swim to the end of the word for you" and she's head over heels. Now try saying that to a new girl? She'll think you're a creep. That's where your W is now. She's detached and rejecting you, so she's repulsed by your professions of love even though they feel great to you. Imagine that a random girl at the grocery store tells you those things. Not cool.

You need to re-create the attraction with your W. That's how she might come back. You're starting from afar, but you're only making things worse by pursuing. Give her some distance first. Then give her someone she can be attracted to. You've done it before.

[paul 47]

hit the gym mate lift some weights get your self in the best shape of your life, its amazing what you can achieve in 6 months and the ladies seem to like it, and just as the fog is clearing bang here is the new you

[mahhhty]

lnlyshp,

I think you are definitely educating yourself, and starting to measure your success. Keep doing that. Something I did (or am doing) is that instead of reaching out to her or saying something to her in the heat of the moment, I held it back and wrote it down in a journal. It is a great release and helps with understanding yourself even better. I think you got some great information from paul 47 and mozza.

You can't control her or her actions. You can control yourself. Do things you love, or you have always wanted to do. This is an opportunity for you to become a better Father, Friend, Son and Husband. It is not over until you want it to be over. Keep your head up and do your 180's and follow the LRT.

Good luck!

[lnlyshp]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice.

Calibri, I think you're right about me being all over the place. It really is a roller coaster ride. I go from depressed to angry to lonely to rejected and even optimistic in the course of a day usually. You're also correct about focusing on the changes in my life and letting time do it's thing. I need more time to reflect on the reasons my marriage failed. I need time to make the changes I told myself I would. Thank you for the kind words.

Mozza, I am starting to see my own position in her heart. It is just so hard not to be discouraged when she says she is happier without me. But you're right, I have to stick to the plan and give her space. Like Calibri points out, it hasn't even been that long for me, especially compared to some of the vets here. I will definitely take your advice and start looking at my relationship from that perspective, hopefully that will give me strength in regards to following the rules and sticking with the plan. Thank you for the advice.

Paul, I have been trying to get in shape. My problem has always been I'm a chubby skinnyfat kid that has no idea where to start and no clue as to my way around a gym. I've been starting to eat healthier though and walking most every day. I just need to start hitting the weights!

Thanks again for the advice everyone. I needed that perspective.

[Vanilla]

Ins

This is all very new to you and by seeking advice you are showing enormous maturity. Improving yourself is ultimately the most important thing you can do for yourself and your child.

There is plenty of time and space, more than you think. Allow this to yourself and your son. Self improvement is a lifelong objective and not just about physicality but spirit too. Age has no bearing on this as I wish that I had discovered this early.

W will notice your changes, but do this for you.

The generous members of this board invest in themselves and offer advice and support to each other. They will spend time investing in you (not W).
DB will be for life.

Happy days
Vanilla