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phx172 Offline OP
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I know about this forum because two of my friends who have used it gratefully to help them struggle with what will apparently be my grief. I never thought that I would need to use this service. But for the last six months, my wife has become very erratic in her dealings with me and our children. She has started keeping strange hours, texts at all times, and is paranoid about leaving her phone out.
As far as I knew up to now there had been no major problems in our marriage. We have a full family life with our daughters 17 and 15. Surprisingly in light of this news we have a great sex life. We do argue, but it’s sporadic and mostly about how we can do more for our kids and of course, money matters.
Obviously, there was something going on in her life. She refused to discuss these changes, only saying that the pressure of work was increasing , and she was having a hard time dealing with everything. Since communication between us was drying up, I felt I had no choice but to engage a reputable private investigation firm to look into her activities.
I am a principal in a corporate security firm and I could imagine all sorts of things that may be happening. But I love my wife very much and I was also afraid that she was putting herself at serious risk.
The investigation took about two weeks. Sadly, the investigator’s report was no surprise. It seems that the OM and my WAS had leased an apartment together, and she regularly spent time there in the afternoons and evenings. On two occasions, “out of town trips” were spent in this apartment.
I made several attempts to have lunch with her (our offices are two blocks apart), and finally succeeded yesterday. The investigator joined us in my conference room and presented his report. My WAS vehemently stated that the report was misleading and nothing was going on.
When she realized the foolishness of her position, she broke down and admitted to the A, saying that ILYBINILWY. She claimed that she didn’t want to hurt me and the girls, but the OM was really her soul mate. She would like both of us in her life, but her decision was to make her life with the OM.
Our pre nup calls for mediation in the event of an A. She agreed that this would be the best course. She also said that counseling would do nothing to change her mind and we shouldn’t waste the time or the money. I’m in total agreement, since with my type of business, I can’t share my life with someone that can’t be absolutely trusted.
We will start the mediation process in two weeks. It seems it takes some time to get all the players in the same room at the same time.
My questions to the forum are these. First, she hinted that she would like me to relinquish the house until the girls leave for college (the house was mine before marriage). Next, she felt that the OM should be involved in the parenting of our daughters (since they are soul mates the OM would be able to help her be a better parent}.
I am totally opposed to both suggestions. Can anyone help me deal with these requests in a logical way? I can’t work through the anger at her attitude about this.


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Very sorry that you had to resort to this forum, but I hope you'll find here the support that you need.

Could you clarify what you mean by "OM getting involved in parenting"? What kind of actions would it involve? Anything that might interfere in your co-parenting decisions with your wife?


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zew Offline
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OK, I'm no AZ divorce lawyer.

First, I'm going to assume you didn't have a "covenant M". If you didn't, then A is meaningless and you're looking at no-fault D.
It appears that AZ divides property 50-50. So you say the house was yours before M. Meaning you owned it outright, no mortgage? If so, it's yours. If not, you would own any pre-marital equity you had (you'd have to establish what equity you had at time of M), and you would own half the equity built up during the M. This doesn't stop W from asking for the house for 2 years so the kids aren't disrupted, tying up your equity. See a L.

On the OM being involved in parenting. Post-D you would have no say. Pre-D, you probably have no say. That is, an A doesn't impact property division or alimony consideration, so your W doesn't have to hide it. So, in the extreme, W could invite OM to live in the guest room tomorrow, involve him in kids lives, and it wouldn't impact the settlement, and I don't know that there is much you could do about it.

Not what you want to hear, I know, but A's and D's just aren't fair.

You need to go consult a L right away to know what your rights are. Don't walk into the mediation uninformed.

Again, I'm no L, just going by what I've seen.

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phx172 Offline OP
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Mozza, thanks for reading my very long initial post. I couldn't figure out a way to shorten it.

You hit the nail on the head re: parenting. I can't figure out exactly what she means. My Ds are on a path toward the college of their choice and my D17 has every chance of getting into the college of her choice next year.

We have both contributed to their college fund, which is in an restricted trust. I'm taking zew's advice and seeing an L on Monday. I was misinformed that I couldn't use a lawyer during mediation.

I will definitely seek an answer from the L if the OM can impact my Ds choices for education and other things. More importantly, I want to know if I can step in if he forces bad choices on them.


M 21 T 24
D 17 D 15
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Wife moved out 11/25/14
Started D by mediation 11/25/14
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phx172 Offline OP
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Zew, thanks for the tough advice, especially about using an L during mediation. I fortunately got an appointment on Monday with a firm that specializes in representing H in divorce.

I do own the house outright with no mortgage. It was my parents' and I grew up in it. With personal funds I expanded it prior to marriage. Of course, community funds have been used to maintain it over the years. So, this will be question 1 with the L.

My partnership shares are already handled in the pre nup, and I'm sure the L will advise me the best way to get them valued. The pre nup gives me 10 years to pay out her share of the increase in value.

But the real concern that you touch on is that I can't keep the OM out of anything post D. My biggest concern is that if they occupy the house for 2-3 years, will that give them some type of squatters rights? Hopefully, the L can tell me how to make sure that doesn't happen.

Thanks for the tough words. I need to hear the difficult things now rather than have regrets later.


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phx,

Do.NOT.give.away.your.house. EVER.

You're getting good advice from Zew.

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Don't give her the house or move out. She has made her decision. Tell her she is welcome to move out to the apartment she shares with other man. Don't leave the bedroom, don't accommodate her in any way. Don't allow other man to move in. She has made her decision. Don't put yourself in any position where she can call the police and accuse you of anything. I would talk to your lawyer about making sure the kids live with you the majority of the time. You should be able to get this so the kids lives are disrupted as little as possible due to the issues between you and your wife. You can have shared custody while having the kids stay most of the time with you in the house. Hopefully you have not put your wife on the deed to the house as it could complicate things. Money spent to maintain the house won't matter in court.


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Also- Phx, Given your daughters ages, they might well have some say about where they stay and who they spend time with. Again, each state is different, but in my state the court is supposed to take the kids wishes into consideration once they reach a certain age.


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phx172 Offline OP
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Saw the L today. Very glad I made the appointment. His instructions were as follows: (1) Do not leave the marital residence under any circumstances; (2)Do not discuss any agreements outside of the mediation process; (3) By signing a lease with the OM for an apartment, she has effectively left the residence; (4) In AZ, the child's preference is taken into account, and with mediation, my Ds can be interviewed privately.

After this, I am very hopeful. The L also pointed me to the 180 blog and told me that I should follow it starting immediately.

Thanks to all for commenting and helping. I feel less like I'm totally out of control of my life.


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Wife moved out 11/25/14
Started D by mediation 11/25/14
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zew Offline
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Very good. Being informed and knowing what you're up against can take a lot of anxiety out of the situation.

Now I know you're committed to the D, but are you ready to start working through other issues?

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