How to start rebuilding? - 2

[Hoju]

Nitty, I can appreciate that DBing is a personal thing and needs to be done for each person and not simply as a way to manipulate a spose into returning. I've made many honest changes for me personally to be a better person. I believe in M, and I truely believe my W and I can get past this and have a very wonderful life together.

DBing is also about doing what works and I can tell you if I stay on this path I will end up divorced for sure. There must be something that can be done to increase contact with W without seeming needy.

[Hoju]

We met with the lawyer today to finalize the sale details of house. I walked in calm, cool and collected, looking and smelling great. Things were going well, sign here, sign there. Then the lawyer left us alone for about 5 minutes. W was very pleasent, she asked how my trip to jersey was (i went with some friends last weekend) i just told her it was amazing and left it at that. I asked about her family and made a joke about the snow and her cousins who live in buffalo, she asked how I was doing with everything and I just told her I was doing good, I then asked how she was doing with everything she just shurgged and looked sad like things weren't great, I'm sure she just did that to spare my feelings so I wont read into it. I also asked about the cats she said they were good and that I never answered her text (the one about her keeping both) I just said I know and changed the subject, I'm not ready to give up the cat so I'm postponing it.

The lawyer came back and asked for my forwarding address, for some reason at this point I lost my nerve. I will be staying at my mothers until the new year and didn't want to admit that I was moving back home in front of W. I started to choke on my words and tried to get out that I would just let him know. When we left I was so rattled I was shaking like a 14 year old at his first high school dance. W told me to drive safe home (it's snowing heavily) i said you too and essential ran off.

I'm not sure why I get so nervous around W. She has been nothing but nice and is just trying to get on with her life. I feel I may have squandered one of my last chances by losing my nerve, which is not something that happens ever to me.

[Hoju]

Got a text from W this morning saying she wouldn't be able to come get the swing on Monday like she had planned and asked if i would be home wednesday. I told her I would be and asked if she needed any help. She then asked if I still played hockey on tuesday nights, so I replied "if you don't want me there just say so.", she replies with "i just don't want to be in your way". I just said "you wouldn't be, just let me know when and if i should disappear for an hour, what ever is easier for you"

I know it's mind reading but she doesn't want me there because it's OM who is helping her. I'm just curious as to why she doesn't just ask if I could make myself scarce for an hour.

[Nitty]

Nitty, I can appreciate that DBing is a personal thing and needs to be done for each person and not simply as a way to manipulate a spose into returning. I've made many honest changes for me personally to be a better person. I believe in M, and I truely believe my W and I can get past this and have a very wonderful life together.

DBing is also about doing what works and I can tell you if I stay on this path I will end up divorced for sure. There must be something that can be done to increase contact with W without seeming needy.

That's true, Hoju, I can see you've been working hard. You are in an awful situation and I know the feeling. But try to look at it as an opportunity. This is your opportunity!

As you become a better Hoju by DBing (PMA, GAL, No Expectations, DETACHING), you automatically become more like the man she fell in love with. Better yet, it becomes obvious that while you never wanted this, you are respecting her wishes (not pushing or pursuing her) and are ready to MOVE ON. If there is a any chance in her hard little heart, this will loosen it up a bit.

Anything that focuses on her won't work long term. It might work short term, but then you'll be living a facade that will break down eventually.

I've read countless books... They all basically boil down to the same thing, which DR and DB sum up nicely: Change yourself first. Everything else will fall into place... whether it's what you expected or not (and remember... no expectations! Just focus on yourself, live your life, be the best Hoju you can be.

I'm not telling you, "Ooo la la it's so easy you must be doing it wrong." I'm telling you, "Sh!t! This stuff is hard! I mess up all the time, then I get up off my a$$ and keep on moving forward."

My H & I are trying to reconcile, it's very, very hard. We still live apart. I mess up all the time. I find myself losing detachment then I have to do my mental exercises to get me back in the right place. No one event will destroy it all, no one event will save it all.

Don't focus on increasing contact with your W. You are focusing on the wrong target. Focus on making your life fun and fulfilling. You can't push her into contact, but by being the Real, True, Honestly Hoju, you become the world's biggest magnet if your W is meant to be with you, she will be drawn to you.

She may not be ready. You don't want her back until she's ready, anyway. And what if she never changes? The Real, Honest, Authentic Hoju doesn't want a W who's been acting the way she has. He wants a W who realizes she messed up, big time, and that she needs to work to regain your trust, to make things right.

You deserve much, much better than what she has to offer right now.

[Hoju]

Thanks Nitty, I try to focus on me and on GAL, PMA and detaching. I've done so much for myself, counseling (both solo MC and IC), I quit wasting time on computer games, I've been working out, learning a new language, reading, started more vigorously managing my own stock portfolio, eating better and trying to make sure I get to bed at a decent hour every night. I've also reconnected with plenty of friends and have been on several trips with them, I'm hardly ever home my life is so busy. I've always been a very positive person and have managed to avoid letting the world get me down so keeping a PMA has been easy... at least to the outside world. However, I still feel a great void and emptiness, I'm lonely and without purpose. I know GAL and detach is to help with this feeling but I just can't get rid of it, everything reminds me of her.

I met with a friend for some rock climbing this weekend. Over a couple of beers he told me that he had been at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony with W and that she was there with OM. Now it is official that they are dating and the fears I always knew to be true but hoped they weren't are breaking my heart all over again.

W is still very pleasant with me and we've texted quite a bit these last few days as we get the final things finished for the home sale. I asked if she would like a couple of wedding artwork pieces that we had, I just told her to leave them if she just planned to throw them out and I would keep them. I came home tonight to find they were still here, it hurts to think she really didn't want them at all and would just toss them (I know lose the expectations, and honestly I didn't expect OM to carry out a picture of every ones best wishes on our wedding day). W has also blocked her friends from tagging her in photos, I assume this is to prevent her family from seeing that she is already with someone else, however I don't really mind so much as she's left all of her pictures up which are primarily of me, good times we've had and our wedding, I'm sure it will hurt again when she takes those down but for now it's nice to see them.

Sorry for the long winded post, it's been awhile and a very emotional week for me with the house and learning the truth about OM.

[Hoju]

I need some advice.

For those who haven't been following me here's a quick background. Me and W have 2 cats, when we split we agreed to each take one cat. She has had both since I stayed in the house to sell it. After the house sold I asked W if I could get the cat back, she sent a very kind email asking if there was any way I would consider letting her keep both. I just ignored the text as I wasn't sure if I was willing to give her both. I've tossed and turned about it as I really don't want to hurt my W, but I've decided I would like my cat. I will send her an email tonight asking for the cat and wanted some feed back as to how this sounds before I push send

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply to you regarding Ellie, it's been a very difficult decision to make. I am very sorry but I would like Ellie I hope this is still ok with you. I am staying with my mother until january when I get my new place, if you would like to keep her until then that would be ok.

Does this sound ok? Anything I should add/remove?

[raliced]

Hi Hoju,
I think your email is fine, but I have different feedback for you. Didn't you say you had had these cats since they were kittens together? Are they bonded together? If so it might be unkind to separate them.

[Hoju]

They are brother and sister and have never spent a day apart in their lives. When we got them W only wanted 1 and I said lets get 2 so they would have company when we weren't there. We were given these 2 because of how close they were as kittens when the family had originally intended to keep the male. They are as bonded as cats can get, it kills me to break them up but this isn't my choice. Why should I be the one who keeps suffering? Any guilt from breaking them up should fall on W not me.

[raliced]

Well, we will have to agree to disagree about your having a choice. It seems you do have the choice to not break them up. I sympathize as I certainly know the pain of being split from a beloved pet. I'm sure you know there are tons if cats and kittens who need the home you could provide. It probably doesn't feel like one could replace Ellie, but you might be surprised. Good luck with your decision.

[Hoju]

Well another shot to the heart today. Got an email from W the other day about how I would like to recieve the revised separation agreement, she could mail or have her sister delivery it at our weekly soccer game. I just said what ever was easier for her.

Today I get the painful response that she will mail it because she is out of town and wants to make sure I get it soon. Of course this sends me into a nose dive, why is she out of town? How long is she out of town that she has to send mail?! I assume she is with OM (probably visiting his family for christmas), someone would have told me or I would have seen on facebook if she was just taking a vacation. I know it's mind reading and I can't change it so I'm posting, that's what these boards are for right?