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Quote:
I also gave a good deal of thought about who I was younger ... I was much more care-free to be honest ...


Remember that that younger self is still within you, not lost, still there, always has been...

You just have to let him be heard, by YOU... wink


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: TSquared2
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so I listen to them struggle on the phone for about 10 minutes ... I was upset I was not there, like not allowed to be there ... this whole thing I did not ask for and all that.


Watch those thoughts buddy ^^^^....they do affect us and how we interact...

Quote:
I just replied with "Glad he is better, Goodnight" .... she replied "Fine" .. I TM "You handled him very well" and received a "No you don't care. Forget it"


Maybe a suggestion here...me being Mr. Spock and all, I can be terse texting, which doesn't work for my stbxw, at all. And since we are in the D process, I want to make sure she doesn't get triggered and change her mind about keeping it amicable...So I started using " :)" at the end of TM's.

That silly smiley thingy has helped HER not make assumptions about what I might be thinking, feeling, etc. It has made a nice difference.


As soon as I hit send I thought ... wow that kind of looks cold. But ... fighting this fixer thing I have an issue with I thought ... I can not control how she takes it. I was frustrated with her, like I had to listen to my S in pain and struggle over the phone, what was I really going to do except talk him down and calm him .. which I assume is why she called. But .... this MLC thing, its a new ride every day ... if anything its helping my footwork .. dodge n move Rocky .. Dodge n Move.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Quote:
As soon as I hit send I thought ... wow that kind of looks cold. But ... fighting this fixer thing I have an issue with I thought ... I can not control how she takes it.


But you CAN control your side of it...and if it looked cold, was that a reflection of what you were really thinking/feeling?

Texting can be dangerous in highly charged emotional situations...lord knows I am a texting disaster waiting for an opportunity... smile

So you probably could have guessed that W could possibly be kinda fired up, right?

Was your REAL intention to communicate this, passively...?:

Quote:
I was frustrated with her, like I had to listen to my S in pain and struggle over the phone, what was I really going to do except talk him down and calm him ..

Last edited by TSquared2; 11/20/14 04:59 PM.

In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: TSquared2
Quote:
As soon as I hit send I thought ... wow that kind of looks cold. But ... fighting this fixer thing I have an issue with I thought ... I can not control how she takes it.


But you CAN control your side of it...and if it looked cold, was that a reflection of what you were really thinking/feeling?

Texting can be dangerous in highly charged emotional situations...lord knows I am a texting disaster waiting for an opportunity... smile

So you probably could have guessed that W could possibly be kinda fired up, right?

Was your REAL intention to communicate this, passively...?:

Quote:
I was frustrated with her, like I had to listen to my S in pain and struggle over the phone, what was I really going to do except talk him down and calm him ..


She may have been fired up yes. Once I knew S was ok ... I was kind of indifferent. I did not want to be cold, but also am very sensitive about being sucked in... and the past couple times she has used S as a way to do this. So yeah .. I guess in a way it was me ending the conversation once I knew S was ok. I could have handled it better ... but I also think I very easily could have fired back and made things much worse.

And I agree on the TM ... its a dangerous place .. hence why I have really pulled back here .. especially if I know one of us is "fired up" ... no good seems to ever come out of the TM as it can be taken completely out of context

Last edited by CaliGuy; 11/20/14 05:09 PM.

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Quote:
I did not want to be cold, but also am very sensitive about being sucked in... and the past couple times she has used S as a way to do this.


Tactical maneuvering?

I get that...

Who did/does Cali WANT to be? Regardless of the danger of being "Hoovered" back in...?

Be him, always...

wink


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: TSquared2
Quote:
I did not want to be cold, but also am very sensitive about being sucked in... and the past couple times she has used S as a way to do this.


Tactical maneuvering?

I get that...

Who did/does Cali WANT to be? Regardless of the danger of being "Hoovered" back in...?

Be him, always...

wink

Guilty .... right or wrong ... but yeah there is some dancing going on there


That's the guy I am trying to be, building that guy slowly, making the changes stick .... and you are right. With her I am still all to self-aware and that takes away from who I WANT to be and makes me into who I THINK I WANT to be ... and I realize there is a difference.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 11/20/14 05:49 PM.

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Get your roadmap together, Cal. Mine looked like this: Act with dignity and honor. Do nothing to interfere with my son's relationahip with his dad. Keep my side of the street clean. No matter what he says or does, I will be true to who I was becoming.

Because of my roadmap, I always knew how I was going to react. Didnt matter what he threw at me, and trust me, he threw some stuff, I tried to remain on my road.

It's funny that you wrote about how you used to be young at heart. I was going to write a post to you to tell you that I feel like you have that inside you, but, it was trapped.

When I was going through all of this, I remember that it felt like this huge weight on my chest. I was carrying around all this stuff that wasn’t mine. I started to imagine it as this big red ball.

After awhile, it got heavy. It wasnt even my ball. It was his.
So, why the heck was I carrying it? I threw it back to him.

I needed to pick up my own ball. And I chose a pretty lavender one with flowers on it. smile I filled it with all the things I wanted to do, all the changes I wanted to make. It was a bit heavy, too, because it was also filled with all the stuff I needed to sort through.

But each time I did, it became lighter. Every day that I got through, it became lighter. So that all that was left was all the good stuff.

Dont make that big red ball any heavier than it already is. Throw it back to her.

Pick up yours. smile

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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Pick up my own balls .. got it ... lol

It makes sense .... as I was reading it I realized .. I actually have been trying to carry both. you are right ... my own big ball is ( My goodness the visuals here...lol) enough .. its plenty. And yeah I have some things I need to eliminate, because I have been adding so much this year, things I do not intend on losing .. I worked to hard and still have so much more work to do. But I now have the old stuff crammed in there I need to lighten the load.

Funny you mentioned the statement about keeping on my side of the street ... a good friend who knows my sitch, (He had gone through the same, but very family oriented and does not judge .... just tells me I need to make me happy and do what I feel is right) ... anyways he quoted a Bible verse that said just that ... making sure your side of the street was clean and not worrying about anyone else's .... a message I sometimes have to remind myself about.

W TM me this morning about S ... I swear its things that do not have to happen at the moment ... I feel like she is just temp checking me and this feels so much like a game. I replied back, was cordial .. but just discussed S's report card, said I was proud of him and left it at that.

I go through my Right of Acceptance Ceremony in 10 days, this is a big moment in my life spiritually (One of the things that I am adding to that ball) ..... I would like for W and S to be there, but not sure .. its early, they will be out of town earlier that week. I atleast want S there ... I will casually mention it tonight when I see W during the Parent Teacher Conf. we have later today.... just letting her know I have that going on .. tell her that she and S are welcome to be a part of it. No expectations as at the moment I have in my head I will be doing this alone.


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You know, I realized after I posted that you would probably go there. Being a boy and all. LOL!

Yea, I hated the idea that it felt like a game. It isnt one, but, it often gets played as one. Til you let go and then you are just living your life..Notice what I did there? wink

Keep going, Cal.

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So ... not to much to add today but I figured I would journal a bit.

Interactions with W ... Last night had parent teachers conference .. I arrived about 10 min early, stopped off and prayed at the little chapel, then went into the room, W car was there but did not see her. Made small talk with the teacher, something I have been improving with this year, PMA with others, actually be more social and friendly, letting my personality show to those I do not know .. its been a personal improvement I am happy with.
So W comes in ... The Teacher lets us know our son is a joy to have, he had very high marks and as I was taking in his work and just thinking .. wow.. this kid seems to actually be doing VERY well with having his world turned upside down, I was very proud ... W was more obsessed with pushing for more, having him do more work outside of class .... like getting in to Harvard was going to be the next stop ... forget 3rd grade. I smiled and realized I wish my parents pushed a bit harder, but I also worry that she might take it to far ... which spun me into another thought, we actually did balance each other pretty well in areas like this. After the meeting W was consumed with asking me if she was being to pushy, looked like she expected to much ... I validated her and told her she was fine, that I was very happy with where S was .... she thanked me for the comment I made in class about how she was the one to give credit to for S's love of reading ... it was true.
So S and I walked her to her car and mentioned my Right of Acceptance event, I told her I realized that she and S would be at BIL's for Thanksgiving (she told me she was not sure what was going on ... not uncommon for the plans to be in the air with her family) So I told her I realized it was early but they were both welcome to be a part of it ... she said she would cancel (I am not sure why she would do this and decided no mind-reading here) ... I told her I did not want that, if they were there great, if not that is fine too ... I just wanted to extend the invitation. I opened her door for her as I typically do and told her to drive safe. She TM later telling me she picked out his Christmas outfit .. very upbeat and happy ... I replied but did not really try to get any conversation going. Seems she likes to use S as a way to engage me in conversation ... mind-reading ... but I am really cautious about getting sucked in.

Things that are in my mind ... She has mentioned the A with OM feels like an addiction to her, then a day or so later she said she is confused and does not know what she wants. I know she has to work this stuff out, she has to finish her journey and I can not be a part of that. But there is that hurt little boy I am trying to silence that realizes she does not want the M, does not want the family .. .and does not want me ... and its hard to not take that personal. That little boy wants to lash out, but the man I want to be will not allow this, he will walk tall and hold his head up high, he will be dignified about this ... regardless if that hurt little boy wants to dish out some pain of his own .. this will not happen, I am better than this. Sure I deserve better, as does my son .. and the way I can get this is by treating myself better and not allow anyone to have power over my moods/thoughts/actions.

Observations: The past week or so, she seems to be doing things differently ... alot of Facetime with S on the phone, if she is running late due to traffic she sends a picture of the traffic. I have not brought up the fact I trust her as far as I could throw a semi truck. Not reading into this stuff, just simple observations.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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