Amazing as it is, what has been helping me is this board, I keep thinking about Labug's words of wisdom and it comforts me, it makes me feel that even without the dinosaur my life will go on.
I'm with you there Pink17. This board is what has helped me most these days too.
And thank you for mentioning a support group for people hurting during the holidays. I had never heard of that and will try to find one for myself.
You helped me today just by mentioning that. Thank you Pink17.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
The support group is from my church, the group is formed by people that needs to grieve during this difficult time. It's not only for divorced ones, there are people grieving the loss of a loved one, illness w/no hope for cure, you name it. I don't know if you are religious or not, but many churches offered this kind of service at no cost and for everyone, with faith or not, member or not. Hope you can find one in your area and feel a little better about yourself during the Holydays. Good Luck!
I'm sorry to hear about the hard times your boys have had - and great that they are doing so well now. I'm not so sure now about possible MLC. My understanding is that it comes more 'out of the blue' - whereas you and your H have had some big challenges in your lives recently.
I too feel much better when I have been out doing things. It is easier to feel more optimistic when you have been busy and your mind has been off things. I meditate daily now, and am slowly reading Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat Zinn, which has helped me feel more calm and centred. It has also helped me not having contact with H recently as he has decided to continue the A relationship...although it sounds very rocky from what I hear about it.
I have eased off on work in recent months. I have been doing some, but not as much as I usually would, and not the high pressure stuff, so that has helped. One of the best things I have done has been to volunteer at a local bookstore a couple of times a week. I love the shifts I do there & it is very laid back and friendly.
Like you, I find this site very helpful, and you really pick up some things that stay with you. 'Aiming for better, not bitter' is one that struck a chord recently. Plus I think the same advice delivered again and again, it really sinks in.
I also go to an infidelity support group, which has been interesting. There is a mix of folk, most of whom have reconciled with their spouse who cheated...so that has been good.
It's still very up and down though - and our situation feels pretty bleak at the moment. It is hard to like my H just now, given recent behaviour. And it really does help keep you sane, just focusing on 'you.' I have been seeing an IC too - she is lovely, and that has helped.
You say you feel stuck, but recognise that you are dealing with one of the most difficult things you will ever come across - and you are doing really, really well. Each day is another day - some will be better, some will be worse, but you will get there...
Good for you booking a Thanksgiving trip.....enjoy yourselves! Toots :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks rd500, HPoirot and Toots for the kind words. I feel kind of anxious today, knowing that H will be back tomorrow. But I have been thinking a lot about the whole detaching aspect. I am beginning to think that this is the only way to claim my sanity. By other hand I feel this fear of letting go and find myself not loving him anymore. Since end of July we had the best R, even honeymoon wasn't so good. We could talk more openly and our love was without shame, boundaries... it was amazing. And all those beautiful moments just to split. What a H.ll does this all mean? But you are right rd500, I need to stop thinking too deep into my own imagination and take one day at a time. Toots, it looks we have somewhat the same situation. So my heart goes out to you because I know you are hurting right now. I do believe that time will be my best friend. What is really hard for me is that I have been very black and white my whole life and I like to resolve things. Right now I can't resolve anything. I can just wait. It bothers me that I never made myself financially independent and now I need him to pay for most of all we need. It feels like a giant rock inside my shoe. One thing I have decided, I will be his friend, at least for now, I need to be calm and keep my thinking straight so if it all goes to divorce, I will know how protect my boys and I financially. Toots, it's great that you have been moving forward and finding ways to piece your life together. Sometimes I even feel happy with my freedom, all the things I have been learning, my stronger faith, new friends like you guys... It has been enjoyable to find myself again. I always loved who I was, I am a strong person, I do not waste my time with people that don't like me, I let them go... Life has been hard lately, but little by little I will meet my own self again and will be able to smile, be happy for a change. The hard part is that I love my H with all my heart and found out that I love him even more then I tough. I still didn't decide what to do on sunday when he picks up the boys. What would you advise me? Since it all started I do not call, text, ask for anything, it's always him that initiate, and by the way, he did everyday. Just this week he did not contact me, it's the first time in our lives that we go a week without any communication. I am not sure that I need to hide, go so dark he can't remember I am there. Or maybe I try to be (as much as I can) friendly, respectful, light?
The Thanksgiving trip will probably bother him, but I refuse to give in and wait around for him. I am a big girl and do not need his permission to be happy, period.
Love to all of you. I will read your posts this weekend and try my best to help the way I can.
Today was a good day, worked a lot, had a very good meeting w/IC. He was glad to here some of my progress, was also glad I am getting some support from this forum, he said I am actually doing very well and should be proud of myself. I told him I am worry that I am angry and get angrier just thinking of H, I do not want to feed this kind of feeling because I will end up hurting myself down the road. I also told him that sometimes I feel like crying but it's harder and harder to drop a tear. He said to try to let go and be vulnerable, cry on my pillow and if it does not happen until next meeting in two weeks, then we will need to work on that. He doesn't want me to start walking towards depression.
What your IC is saying is important. Getting the anger and the pain out is healing for you. If they remain inside, it can be more damaging in the longer turn.
Watching tearjerker movies might be helpful - or just allow yourself to wallow from time to time and have a cry if you feel like it. I find my IC appointments helpful, partly as I tend to cry quite a bit at them!
For anger, I put pillows on the bed, and I bash them with a rolled up newspaper. I pretend they are H or OW, and I swear, rant and bash away at them for 5 mins or so. I read in a book that this might be helpful. Normally afterwards, I do feel a sense of release and calm. It is a way of getting in touch with your anger without causing harm.....tho I suggest waiting until the house is empty ;-)
Your IC is absolutely right. You are doing really well. It's a horrible situation, but your head is above water, you're looking after your boys and you are moving forwards. Those are the main things right now - remember to be compassionate towards yourself and acknowledge the progress you are making.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Toots, That's one of my biggest mistakes, I am too hard on myself... my H always said that too. I will try to be more gentle w/myself and give some time. I feel my heart accelerating today, I still don't know what to do tomorrow, be around or not? I really would like to see how is him after his vacation in Paris, but I am afraid to see him all happy. Any though on that?
Well, I can easily think of what not to do - cry, ask about OW, beg him to stay, grab hold of his ankles as he's walking out of the door...I'm sure none of these will happen of course!
I suppose the books would say to aim for 'lovingly distant.' Be pretty busy when he comes over. Show him by your demeanour - hey this has happened, but I'm still standing. Come across as centred and balanced.
Talk about the boys and what they have been up to. Talk about your GAL activities. Look good and smell nice.
And try not to worry about it all too much. Maybe just focus on not doing stuff that will make anything worse. And be the person you want to be without worrying too much about him right now.
Hope this helps....and good luck :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Toots, This helps a lot, you are right saying I will not beg, cry, or hold his ankles.. nope, I have too much pride for that kind of demonstrations. I did beg and cry once, just when he gave me the speech..."H: I do love you a lot and will always love you, I am just not in love with you anymore, not the same way at least, but I will always care for you, to the rest of my life, I will always be there for you" Yeah! Crap! I will do my best, I want to be his friend, most because I need to look after my boys and my financial stability if the divorce comes. And as far as I know he is thinking to serve me papers next month, we will see. I am somewhat feeling OK, I think is because he travels a lot for work, so we are used with him being away frequently. You know, I was born and raised in Brasil and I met my H at a sales meeting in Extapa, Mexico, we use to work for the same company, he in USA. Now, the story repeats itself for him, he is involved with a coworker from France, same company. It hurts, hurts and hurts...but I believe that the wound will heal one day, it will take quite a good time, but I will get there no matter what. I will do what you said, "lovingly distant". He knows me well and I do not need words for him to know I still love him. I just need to show him I am too moving on. By the way, when this all started, I asked the kids if they would like to move somewhere in UK. They loved the idea, my S17 was in London last year, a 10 days vacation and loved it. The english I learned in Brasil was more British then american. Funny how life is, now you are helping me. Life is really awesome if you think about it... and the world is very, very big for us to suffer so much for somebody that does not love us. Thanks for your kind words, it means a lot to me. Hope you are also finding peace within yourself. Pink
H is back. Text this morning: "Good Morning! Hope that all is well. I was wondering if it would be OK to take the boys out for late lunch/early dinner this afternoon, like 3 or 4pm? If you all are busy, we can do another day, no problem. Plz let me know. Thanks! Me after 30 min.: Good Morning! All is well...thanks! Hope all is well w/you. The boys will be ready by 4pm. H: Ok. I'll see you then. Thank you. And I still don't know what to do... I am getting so positive and strong on myself, on my GAL. But I know when he show up I feel the pain again. Maybe would be easier if I am not home, maybe I will see him when he drop off the boys. I feel hopeless today... I need to be patient, patient, patient, and keep some of the vets words in my head, do what works and do "as if" and the 180s. At least we can talk to each other, but today I know that he is coming back from a vacation with the OW, this kills me and makes me jealous and I feel I just want to file for D and never see him again in my life. Utopia! We have kids together and this R will be forever, no matter what. I need to get real, but I feel like spinning. Any help from someone? By the way, my goal is to maintain some level of friendship with him, so if the D comes around as it is supposed to it won't be ugly for the kids, and it is always a way to show him my changes, my new me, at least make him think. I need to cry and I can't, I need to calm down and I can't, all what I feel today is defeat. I feel like it is all lost. Oh! God help me, I wonder if I can go through this, it's easier to just let go and move on, it's so hard to try again, to work on the R without any reassurances. How you deal with these feelings?
