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Joined: Aug 2014
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devotee Offline OP
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Exhausting beyond any measure. I wouldn't wish this torture on anyone in the world.
Here is another thing that I'm not sure about...
One of his reasons for falling out of love with me was that (in his mind) I showed no affection or interest in him. So over the past 5 months I've done a 180 and showered him with affection and interest. It seemed to help a lot. He mentioned it to me as well as to our therapist. That he really enjoys and respects the new me. Now after this sudden downturn, and his explanation at therapy yesterday that he thinks we need to separate... Should I do another 180 and stop the attention and affection? It came natural to me to give him the affection when I thought we were rebuilding our marriage. Now I feel I need to distance to detach and let go and stop getting my hopes up.
Everyone says do what's best for me, and I felt the showing affection was... And I worry pulling away will reenforce in him that I'm back to my old ways. I feel I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
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devotee Offline OP
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Posts: 67
I've been following Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy. Both seemed to be helping. I'm still trying to 180 and GAL. I came home from DJing tonight and walked the dog, washed my face and said goodnight. He's on the couch by his own choice. Barely said more than 10 words to him today since I worked all day and night. I work all day tomorrow and finally have a night off Djing. I might go to the club anyway to actually get to dance and get away from him. If I stay home I'll just wallow.
I'm scared to try Last Resort but this waffling and cake eating on his part is killing me. I feel lucky sometimes that he and I get along so well but then I see how much it's prolonging his process and I hate it. I wish we were NC and he'd finally figure out what he'd be missing and be giving up.


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
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devotee Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
So H is on a drinking binge again.
Like I said, he slept on the couch again last night. I woke up this morning and sat up abruptly and heard a pop and severe pain in my upper right chest. I think it's from my fall last week. I think I popped a rib out of or back into place. It didn't hurt all week but this abrupt move jacked it up. Can't breathe very well and quite a bit of pain if I bend over or move quickly. Called into work since I don't think I'll be much help there. Can't get to doctor since H is drunk and I don't drive, plus we don't have insurance. I called a friend of mine who works at the hospital and treats broken ribs and lung problems. She told me I should be ok with rest but if I feel worse or really short of breath she'll come get me. So just resting right now. H showed no deep concern, just advised me to rotate right arm and shoulder and see if that popped the rib back into place. Then he went into the bedroom and passed out. But I'm not going to concern myself with him... Right??? smile
So guess I'll sit on the couch today and read. Can't afford to miss work but I need to take care of myself first. Yes, I will focus on me!!

Last edited by devotee; 11/15/14 06:01 PM.

H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
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devotee Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
I think there would be more constant extreme pain if I had punctured anything. But I am going to try and see a doctor tomorrow. Just so she can listen to my lungs and feel around. Don't think I can afford an X-ray though. I don't know if any Walgreens or Walmart clinics around me, same with King soopers... They're all just the basic stores. My doctor charges $70 for an office visit. I can't afford it but at least she will know more than me.

Starting a new day today... Resting on the couch and feeling like a bum. I will DJ tonight but I'll make sure to stand pretty still and not get crazy. H slept on couch again last night and then came into the bedroom in the morning. Asked if he could sleep in the bed because the cat was keeping him awake in the living room. I said yes, we slept on our separate sides. Cat kept howling and H was tossing and turning keeping me up. He offered to go back out to the couch but I said no since I should probably get up and feed the animals anyway. He hadn't gotten much sleep whereas I at least got 5 hours. So he's sleeping in bed and I'm out here. So that was calm and amicable, another good step.


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
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devotee Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67

H and I are being friendly. Just talking and watching TV no affection, intimacy or R talk. He sleeps on couch, I sleep on bed.
Not sure if we're going to MC this week. It seems pointless if he doesn't want to work on marriage.
I'm not giving up, but I am distancing and detaching. I can only handle so much pain and heartbreak. I'm going to focus on me. If he wants there to be an "us" again, he will have to initiate and pursue. I can't change him or force him and I felt pitiful trying anyway.
Time for distractions and deep breathing. I can do this. smile


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
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devotee Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
No new updates really. H has given up on IC after only one session. He also is blaming our MC therapist for how our last session went. He said she handled it terribly so doesn't want to go back to MC either. So guess we're back at square one.
I'm still going to my IC, it helps quite a bit.


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
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devotee Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
So I'm looking for some insight on what next steps to take.
I know my main focus right now should be "me", but I'm also wondering how do I handle my H who now wants to be just friends. We live together so we're around each other constantly. He's unemployed right now and I only work 2 days and 3 nights a week. That's a lot of time we'll be together in the house. Plus I'm kinda couch bound for the most part while my ribs are healing. So... We hang out next to each other in the living room and watch a lot of TV. I still sleep in the bedroom and he's on the couch. There's no affection or intimacy. He hasn't pushed the separation or move drastically, mainly because he's not working and is too depressed to be motivated. I don't want to encourage him because I'm hoping the more time that goes by, there may be more chance of him working through his crap and changing his mind again to come back to working on the relationship. Do we just hang out in limbo land as long as we can? Is it a waste of time? Should I push for us to get a move on so I'm not sitting here suffering? I don't feel like we're making a decision towards either direction... Is that ok to be stagnant and just let it be?


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
D
devotee Offline OP
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OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
I think I'm talking to myself here but it helps to write things down. smile
I know I need to relax and heal up, I'm just worried about what's next.
I do feel I'm dragging my feet on going through my belongings and weeding stuff out and packing. Partly because of the emotions but also because there is soooooo much. It's overwhelming. Even doing a little at a time is hard. H hasn't made any effort to continue packing either. Maybe it's giving me false hope that he's stalling?
I'm angry at him right now which makes it a little easier to detach. I do find myself wishing he'd just look over at me, meet my eyes and come over and embrace me. I get these moments where I do physically feel his energy while he's on the other couch next to me that he wants to do just that. You know that awkward energy you could just cut with a knife it's so thick?
I don't know if I should banish him to the bedroom during the day. We spend the day together and it's friendly. Maybe I'm enabling him and he's cake eating to an extent? I want to put myself and my needs first, but I also don't want to sabotage any opportunities of reconciliation... Even if they're slim.
I'm trying not to pay attention to what he's doing. Trying not to obsess. He's been going back to aikido classes. I trust that's what he's doing but I have no real proof. In the back of my head im trying to prepare myself in case it's an OW.
I am trying to read books and have two outings with friends scheduled this weekend. It's a start at least.


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Don't try to banish him anywhere, but do work on detaching.

That isn't hating him or maintaining anger so much as always paying attention to the fact that he's him and you're you. That his feelings are as valid to him as yours are to you.

Forget you ever heard the term "cake-eating." If there's an OW then MAYBE you can think of it. But if there isn't, then it's probably better to think of this all as the remnants of your connection that can possibly be very gently massaged back into life and maybe you don't have to hit all the way to rock bottom.

I'm sorry you haven't gotten a ton of traffic on your thread. I'll try to keep an eye out for you. Visit other people's threads to offer support and see what you can learn and you'll start seeing a bit more traffic here.

Hope your ribs heal quickly, ouch!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 67
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devotee Offline OP
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Posts: 67
Thank you Maybell. That's exactly the kind of feedback I need.
I keep telling myself over and over to focus on myself. I know it's an excuse... But it's hard when we're around each other so much.
I just have to keep focusing on myself. That is my ultimate challenge.
I've tried to read other threads and I feel my insight isn't very helpful. But I will offer support for sure!!
Thanks again!!


H: 43
W: 39
Married: 11 years
Together: 18 years
1st BD: 05/2014 asks for separation
2nd BD: 06/16/2014 asks for divorce
No kids
EA: 2 months, not mutual (she didn't return the feelings) over
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