Arthur and his trusty servant Patsy "ride" along through the woods. Suddenly they come apon a stream crossing where two knights are battling in a heated duel with giant longswords. One is dressed in green and one in black. Arthur stops and watches the fight.
The two knights attempt to maul each other in many various ways and with many different tools of medieval weaponry. Finally, when the green knight is charging the black with a battle axe, the black knight throws his sword straight through the slit in the green knight's helmet. The green knight falls to the ground, bleeding profusely. The black knight steps forward and pulls his sword out of the helmet. King Arthur, impressed with the black knight's fighting, motions to Patsy and they "ride" forward.
Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight. (The black knight does not respond) Arthur: I am Arthur, king of the Britons. (no response) Arthur: I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me at my court at Camelot. (no response) Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? (no response) Arthur: You make me sad. So be it! Come, Patsy!
As Arthur and Patsy start to ride past the black knight, he suddenly speaks:
Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS. Arthur: (taken aback) What? Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS. Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge. Black Knight: THEN YOU SHALL DIE. Arthur: I *command* you, as king of the Britons, to stand aside. Black Knight: I MOVE FOR NO MAN. Arthur: So be it! (draws sword)
A short battle ensues, where Arthur, relatively unencumbered by armor, easily dodges the slow and heavy strikes by the black knight. Finally, Arthur dodges a strike, steps aside, and cuts the black knight's left arm off with his sword. Blood spurts from the knight's open shoulder.
Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch. Arthur: A SCRATCH? Your arm's off! Black Knight: No it isn't! Arthur: Well what's that then? (pointing to the arm lying on the ground) Black Knight: I've had worse. Arthur: You LIAR! Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!
There follows an even shorter foray, at the end of which Arthur easily cuts off the black knight's right arm, causing it and the black knight's sword to drop to the ground. Blood spatters freely from the stump.
Arthur: Victory is mine! (kneeling, praying) We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy--
He is kicked onto his side by the black knight.
Black Knight: Come on, then! (kicks Arthur again) Arthur: (on the ground) What?!? Black Knight: (kicking him again) Have at you! Arthur: (getting up) You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine! Black Knight: Ohhh, had enough, eh? Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left! Black Knight: Yes I have! Arthur: LOOK!!! Black Knight: Just a flesh wound! (kicking Arthur again) Arthur: Look, STOP that! Black Knight: Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!! Arthur: Look, I'll have your leg! (The Black Knight continues his kicking) Arthur: RIGHT! (He chops off the black knight's leg with his sword) Black Knight: (hopping) Right! I'll do you for that! Arthur: You'll *WHAT*? Black Knight: Come 'ere! Arthur: (tiring of this) What're you going to do, bleed on me? Black Knight: I'm *INVINCIBLE*!!! Arthur: You're a looney.... Black Knight: The Black Knight ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! Have at you!! (hopping around, trying to kick Arthur with his one remaining leg)
Arthur shrugs his shoulders and, with a mighty swing, removes the Black Knight's last limb. The Knight falls to the ground. He looks about, realizing he can't move.
Black Knight: Okay, we'll call it a draw. Arthur: Come, Pasty! (they "ride" away)
Black Knight: (calling after them) Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow bastards!! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
Quote:
Goals:
1. Put God's Will First. Trust God. Focus on each day as it comes and Take Joy! from each day. 2. Live proactively as opposed to living as a reactionary to life. "As I think, so I will become in my actions." I need to plant the seeds for tomorrow. I want a tomorrow that is calm, cool and collected...Intensive application involves planning and thinking ahead. Leaving room each day for spontaneity which is a natural part of who I am. 3. Take care of my health (mental and physical). 4. Give my kids the things and time they deserve without DOING for them things they should DO for THEMSELVES. 5. Enjoy the contentment with my life that comes from working on the first four goals: travel, fun, friends, family...TAKE JOY!
Specific Sub-Goals: Create and follow a reasonable spending plan. Track my expenses daily. Earn at least $60,000 per year by December, 2015...or sooner.
I really thought maybe he was waking up. And, at the very least, this D could get easier. Just this part could be easier.
Herein lies the problem: you allowed yourself to get a little hopeful, and then, when he didn't say "Heather, I realize how wrong I was and I want you all back!" you lashed out and unloaded on him.
I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve it, but it came out of an irrational abandoned child place of yours and was a disproportionate response. As a divorce strategy, it was kinda stupid.
This negotiation is about BUSINESS at this time, stop dragging the personal into it.
Legitimate points: - the tools were bought with OUR money during the marriage and were joint property. - you had ample notice to retrieve your things - you were not contributing adequately to the household expenses and the sale was necessary to provide food for your children.
YOU don't need to make those legitimate points - your LAWYER does. Give that breakdown to the lawyer so he can make the appropriate arguments. You weren't a vengeful wife selling off hubbie's toys for pennies for revenge - you sold some abandoned joint property for necessary food money.
H's attorney will try to put a value on the tools and subtract it from any money H owes you; you counter with the value of anything H took that should have been 1/2 yours. This is just the dollars and cents negotiation stuff and you need to leave your emotions out of it. That's why you let your attorney deal with most of this. In fact, you letting H know how eager you are to be done gives him leverage - he'll feel like you're more willing to take a crappy offer just to be done.
What the heck did I miss???? OMG! I thought you were done after our texts this morning. Geesh... I didn't realize it was continuing.
Heather, I am, by far, no expert... but please don't give him what he wants. He is looking for this engagement. Don't give it to him. I vowed to not give in. Well... I initiated a little bit, but I tried hard not to bite. It makes you feel so much more powerful not to bite. Don't babe!
It is so weird that both of us are experiences some of the same things right now. The pet questions, the kindness and inquiries about life...
Ugh.. it can be exhausting to our already overwhelming lives. So... please, try not to engage. Give it time before you respond, if you have to. And when you do, make it unemotional. BECAUSE, he will make it about you.. I know you have these emotions to address. I SO get it. Don't do it when he is trying to bait you. It gives him the upper hand. You don't want that! You have worked to hard, come to far to even give him an ounce of what you've accomplished.
I understand the emotion of it, truly, I do. I hope to see you soon. We have so much to catch up on. We are in such similar positions now. And, we are embracing this early winter weather, right?! Let's go, Buffalo!!
I never heard about the micro question from last thread I asked??
I cracked under the pressure. I caved in and unloaded. It was desperation on my part to put one thing to rest. The thing that is the most senseless of it all and a grown man crying about his tools.
It wasn't the hope that he would say, "I'm sorry, I'm coming home."
It was the hope that one thing in my life would ease up and I could stop receiving discovery letters in the mail that require time and energy for me to fill out.
It was the anger and frustration that we are both spending all this money on a divorce when it could just easily be ended now with the same financial result for both sides.
It was anger that I had to pay another $1000 and I was at Walmart with our kids. D12 was asking for things for Christmas. Let alone our bills. Finally, had to call about heat.
It was the pressure that I have to put out another newspaper and, with each one, so far, there has been some miserable surprise waiting at the end of all the hard work.
It was my mother calling me after she had obviously been crying again.
It was the family that's all angry with me and judging me and requires another truck load of energy to deal with.
It was D20 who is planning to go back to school next semester. Which is actually the least of my worries.
He caught me at a weak moment
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather. DO NOT RESPOND TO ANY MORE TEXTS FROM YOUR H! I knew he was up to something when he started become the chatty cathy of the world. They are very seldom nice w/o some unlying reason for that behavior.
Now, I want you to go back and re-read what kml told you. This is a business deal gone bad and you need to put your business hat on and leave the personal stuff at the door. The emotions have to stay out of it and you need to be as clear and concise on the paperwork. Yes, it's a lot of paperwork, but it's some that has to be done w/every divorce and no, it's not the MO of his attorney. I had to do them and my xh should have, but he didn't. It's called discovery for a reason, i.e., to find out what your expenses, assets, debts, etc. are in order to lay the ground work for the divorce.
As for your h, he's hung up on tools and he'll be that way for a very long time. Yes, he had ample time to come get them, but that's history now. Sit down, write up everything that you've had to pay for that he should have provided for. You need to understand that this isn't just about his tools, he's passively angry that you and the girls left and left him w/a house that required cleaning and repairs. Don't be surprised if he doesn't come after you for some of the major repair work on the house. People in crisis don't look at things the way we do. They don't look for fairness and trust me, it's all about money and what they feel they are entitled to. As for the tools, heck he could have bought a whole new set of tools with the money he spent over the last couple of years. Didn't he also take out a large sum of money from his retirement and spend it? If he did, put that down as that could have been viewed as partially yours in the divorce settlement.
Please, please, no more texting w/him. Leave them alone. Do you still have my number? Call me if you need to talk.
Again, please listen to what we are telling you. We are trying to help you get through this and no matter what you think, he's not being nice because he's waking up. He's far from it and right now, he's very toxic and out for blood because in his mind, you took away everything he valued. Yep, he's not to be trusted.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One last thing, do not share any more info about what you are doing w/your life, especially your career. Do not provide him w/the names of the papers, etc. Also, do not share w/him any extracurricular activities that you are hoping to get D12 into or what your D20 is doing. Why? Because he's going to use that info against you and state that you have this fantastic job that pays extremely well and will want to lower child support and any other monies he owes you.
I know you want to share w/him because of your long history together, but you can't, at least not right now. I know you want to show him that you've survived and are doing well, but this is not the time to share. You have to face the fact that he's jealous of what you are doing w/your life and he's not happy right now because he was left with what I call "responsibilities" that he needs to finally take care of.
He is not your friend. He is out to get what he can and he will do whatever it takes to do it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job & Ellie are spot on. Don't engage with nuttiness. It's not a smart business decision.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
From my own experience and many thousands of dollars wasted, the best thing you can do is minimize you your costs in the divorce. How I would handle this is to tell your lawyer upfront that you have minimal money and no way to get more. Instruct him that you want him to minimize his time as much as possible. That you will not pay for things that you do not authorize. I would minimize contact with H as much as possible. He will grab onto everything right now.
Are you in the discovery phase of the divorce? If not then I would ask your lawyer if you have to even respond till a proposed divorce agreement has been presented. If you filed for the divorce, then get going drafting a divorce agreement with your lawyer. If her filed, then sit back and do nothing till his lawyer forwards one to your lawyer. It is the responsibility of the person who filed to craft it unless you both can work together.
Is his attorney sending things to you directly? If he is then inform your attorney and ask him to inform H's lawyer to not contact you directly.
Do this to separate yourself from his madness. Let him incur as much expense on himself as he wants. Don't let him drive up your bill.
Come here and ask questions as you go along. I am sure there are plenty of us who have paid dearly for this experience.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Heather, As Lifes Twists pointed out, you want to advise your lawyer that you want him to minimize his time as much as possible as you don't have funds to continue this back and forth for another six months. He needs to understand that you are the client/boss here and only you can authorize additional work when necessary.
There are plenty of us who have gone before you in the divorce arena who can provide advice and hopefully try to help you save some money. It's not easy, but you've got to separate your emotions from the business deal at hand.
As for items that your h has identified, well, that's on him. He should have removed them when he first left, or at least removed them once he was settled in his new place. He's had ample time to come and get them. This is a moot point as you have mentioned them to him several times and he didn't make a move to come get them. Once this is addressed (again) w/your lawyer, it should not be brought up again and I would advise him of this. It's like my xh constantly talking about missing mail when he had 5 mailing addresses. I nipped it in the bud and advised the lawyers that he should put in a change of address and that I wasn't going to address the issue again. You have to take this bull by the horns and nip this tool and other property situation in the bud. If you don't, it will continue on and on. It's the only things he has to keep niggling at you with and it's adding up $$$ wise.
I do hope you are feeling better today. I know it seems like the world is tumbling down, but it's not. We are here for you.
Smokey: Heather, I understand the pain that this situation has caused and I'm feeling it too. Just wanted you to know. Also, I paid the insurance premium for this month including all three vehicles. Hope you guys are buried in snow and still have power.
Haven't responded. But, that's the man I remember. Won't respond.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
This is his pattern. I completely get where you guys are coming from...but, for 30 years...this is his pattern. M screws up big time. M defiantly uses his drugs and continues on his path of self-destruction until M realizes he is losing his family. Then, M begins to get honest.
I will protect myself and stay on guard. But, dammit. This is a glimmer and I can't help but feel some hope.
Still, I understand this is business.
He is, obviously, not taking responsibility, as of yet. I get that. I won't respond.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
What you need to do is put a stop to this madness. Swat the tennis ball back in his court and then walk away from the arena.
I suggest that you send a short text: Thank you for the insurance premium. Please be advised that this will be the last text from me. Going forward starting today, please direct all your communications to my attorney. Take care.
THEN DO NOT ENGAGE OR TALK WITH SMOKEY IN WHATEVER SHAPE, FASHION OR MANNER.
If he blows up your phone, ignore it. Then document them for evidence. Be smart about this!
Look, I don't think you have to get crazy about the "don't contact me!" stuff - it just lets on that you are still bothered by him, which means he is still getting a reaction.
Just be short and succinct in your responses. Leave out the personal. Be polite. Don't answer questions you don;t want to answer - deflect.
If he brings up divorce stuff, tell him to address those questions to your attorney.
Could he be coming out of the tunnel? Maybe. Should you get your hopes up? No. Should you put the divorce on hold if he comes running back? He!! no! Get your finances squared away, get him committed to support, get your share of his pension etc. THEN, once you're divorced, if he wanted to get clean and straightened out and try to woo you back - sure, you could let him IF you wanted. But get the financial divorce business done first. You cannot trust this guy with your financial well-being.
Maybe he'll wake up enough to be a better father, and that's a good thing. So remember the dog training advice - reward the good behaviors, ignore the bad ones.
Just don't let yourself get sucked back into some kind of fantasy that he's going to change into a different person and come back to save you. Stay focused on your own progress.
I can see your point. From my perspective, I think is critically important that Heather insulate herself from Smokey. As for the kids, that is something that Heather struggles too as Smokey likes to fish for information using the kids.
That is a fine tightrope to walk on, Ellie. Where can she draw the line without getting sucked into it time and time? I am not saying that Heather is incapable of it. Just basing this on their track record.
This is not to say that Smokey cannot communicate with the girls. Just that he cannot be trusted at all as evidenced by his fishing expeditions. When he DOES contact the girls, it is for ulterior reasons.
Heather - everything Job and everyone else has said to you is spot on. They are nice when it suits them/when they want something etc. We then fill in the dots, remember the old person, and tend to mistakenly think they are waking up, because we want them to.
Quote:
We have to maintain communication because of our children.
While that is undoubtedly true as a principle, it has hardly been the case for the last ?how many years? Where has he been for your children in the last few years?
They say this stuff, hard to argue with the truth of the statements but they haven't been walking the walk.
Smokey: We have to maintain communication because of our children. you take care also.
After taking a closer look at this text, I went "whoa!!!" The realization hit me that Smokey knew exactly what he was doing with that text: hitting your soft spot...the girls.
Funny, you don't have to "maintain" communication because of the children since he hasn't for A LONG TIME. This is all on HIS OWN terms. Jerk!
Here's what I think...especially while I'm stressed with all that's going on...I see both points.
He can contact the kids directly.
Ok. Maybe the NC isn't bad for now.
I think it's best for me to remain NC. I do better when he is at a distance and other people, like the atty, have to handle him. Even if this is legit...he is still toxic and bad for me...
And, He!!, I did pay $3,350 so far to protect myself from his crazeee. If he is waking up, then, it's the move and my move toward independence from him that's helped it along.
NC is the way to go. He needs to sit in his shid.
I may respond, though, that he can contact kids without me. In the event of an emergency? Contact me email? Do I give my email? Or just tell him to text if there's an emerg.
Maybe...
Me: Both our girls are capable of communicating to you if they choose. You haven't shown much interest in the past 6 mos. to a year. It's up to them. If there's an emergency, contact my atty or send a text.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Me: Both our girls are capable of communicating to you if they choose. You haven't shown much interest in the past 6 mos. to a year. It's up to them. If there's an emergency, contact my atty or send a text.
I don't think so. The text engages, and it accuses him. Neither are helpful. If he gets it, he gets it, and if not, no point saying it.
There is always an agenda with these people, always. You will know if and when he has changed or wishes to change.
Heather, Just thank him for paying the premium and let it go. You have to know when to keep your mouth shut and not go off on a tangent. One of the things that you continue to do is rub his face in what he's done. Yeah, we all get it, but you've got to stop doing that because it makes you look like a bitter, vindictive woman. Sure you hurt and have been abandoned, but you've got to let it go and stop putting stuff out there in print.
Yes, you still will need to communicate w/him in some fashion about your girls, but that doesn't mean you have to be chatty w/him at this point in time.
What I am sensing from the postings from him is: 1) he may realize that the divorce is actually going to happen; 2) you've gotten stronger and more independent and it shocked the h@ll out of him because you moved; 3) you aren't where you he thought you would always be; and 4) he no longer has power over you. Manipulate you? Yes, I see a bit of that and even if he's talking like he's got sense right now, it doesn't mean that he wants to come back and try again. My sense is that he's trying to be nice because he knows that if he plays nice, you'll open up and be chatty. He's your enemy right now and you don't want to tell him everything, especially when it comes to putting stuff down in black and white.
Quiet frankly, I think the man is having some clarity, but not enough to say he's baked. I think he's relieved that the house is going on the market and that is one less headache to contend with. I also think he's happy and relieved that you got a real job. This is one more financial burden he won't have to deal with because he can now claim you have a good paying job and who knows, this may an angle he's toying with, i.e., no spousal support.
My advice still stands...stfu when it comes to telling him stuff, both personal and financial at this point in time. This is a very crucial time in fact gathering and none of us want to see you blindsided w/info that you may have told him in a fit of anger or when he's being nice.
For now...just thank him and let it go. I honestly do not trust him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There are a number of people that go no contact w/children. Your children are old enough to be in contact w/their father directly. If they don't want to be bothered w/him, you certainly can't control how they feel or force them to respond to his messages. I, personally, wouldn't worry about it at this point. Why? Because I know you well enough to know that you'll be responding back to his texts again very soon. You'll back paddle and try to explain your stance to him and you don't need to do that. he should already know that if something where to happen to the girls, you would contact him.
If he texts back, let it go. You've said enough and if he's got a problem with no contact, he can talk to his lawyer and explain why you are doing it. Quite frankly, I think he's trying to soften you up to hit you were it hurts, i.e., the wallet.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, he may be hurting too, but he had choices and he made the wrong ones. He could have returned at any time and tried to fix things between you, but he choose not to. Right now, the only thing I see hurting him is the fact that his wallet is squeezing from having to put money out to fix the home and pay his lawyer and yes, eventually settling up w/you as his former spouse. He actually thought you would be right where he left you until he had enough of the ow and his fantasy life. Shame on him. He is now facing the consequences of his actions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think you are spot on. He may be hurting, but it's only because of the pain HE is feeling as opposed to the pain he caused. I still see him lost in his world of victimization.
Ok. I will STFU. It's not going to make things worse.
It's so hard. It's like seeing a glimpse of someone you thought was dead.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
The glimmers of clarity tend to pull you back in. It's normal because it happens to all of us until you detach more. We all hungered for the changes and hopefully those changes mean waking up from a deep sleep like Rip Van Winkle. However, when it comes to divorce and settling up the debts/assets, you've got to put the emotions aside. If you don't, the emotions can truly wreck the negotiations, especially if he's being nice because you begin to second guess ask yourself the what ifs.
If he's waking up, time will tell, but I don't think he is. Yes, moments of clarity are there, but not enough to change the course he's taking. The divorce decree is just a piece of paper that is separating everything out and stating what each of you will receive. It relieves you of any responsibility for anything he does out in the cruel world and vice versa. Divorce doesn't mean that a couple can't get back together again at a later time and I've seen this happen frequently.
So, continue to duct tape your lips and be patient. I know it's tough and divorce isn't easy and you can't get it over and done with by waving the magic wand. It's a lot of paperwork and searching for documentation. Once it's done, you'll feel a huge relief and the burden on your shoulders will lighten up. Why? Because you no longer have to deal w/the lawyers or him, except on child issues. Trust me...you'll be fine, but you've got to get through the paperwork and the proceedings.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The NC comment was a mixed message as I read it. Contact me through my attorney or by text. Not really a NC comment. You left an opening for him to continue to contact you.
I find when I am angry or upset I say to many things. I think it is best to write down what you think you want to say in the heat of the moment and set it aside for later. When you review it you will probably change it a lot. I feel you can say more in a few words than you will say in a novel length letter.
Work on holding yourself back from responding right away. Maybe make yourself a four hour rule or such. The four hour rule is no response for four hours unless it is life or death. this way you can review your response and make sure it is clear and not a mixed message.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
There it is Heather. That is what I was saying. It's hard because you want the old Smokey to come back. What I read from what he has sent so far is it's STILL all about HIS pain. "I'm hurting, too" is NOT "I know I caused you and the kids so much pain". So what exactly is it that "hurts" him? The loss of his tools? The dead cat? Not once did he elude to the fact that it was HIS choices that caused everyones pain in the first place. Nor did he say not seeing his kids or having a R with them was painful. To me he isn't hurting for any of the reasons you are and think he is. I would be interested in hearing just what part of the sitch is it that hurts for him. I know in the past when I knew my W was hurting, I thought it was because of the same reasons I was or assumed it was because of the things that cause me so much pain but it really wasn't. She was in pain for her own reasons that had nothing to do with the things that hurt me. We want to think that they hurt because they miss their old life. They miss their family or the R they had with us. I don't think any of those things are what is hurting for him.
Stop and take a deep breathe. The NC text is sent so it's done. Stop questioning what you have already done and just consider what you will do going ahead. You're still one of my hero's Heather. You got this......
Yes, his responses were still ALL about him. I know. He's still not able to own what he has done. I must have sensed that because I attacked with those points in mind...I was going to bludgeon him with the truth, just like the old days.
Let's go full tilt with this 180.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I saw the words "eye candy" and wanted to know more:-). Gulp.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
HOWEVER, D20 went on Tender and has about 15 Ft. Drum soldiers blowing up her computer. I may need to hit that. In a safe, mature way. GB, I think you'd find exactly what you're looking for around here...wink..wink.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Ok. Having some coffee. Grabbed my head and I'm screwing her back on. Yesterday was a bit of a whirlwind in terms of emotions.
D12 has really been struggling and is glued to me. I gave her what I had yesterday. Today, I'm giving some to me. At four, we are going to a different church that has more teens than the first church we tried. More homeschoolers and more teens.
The news back home about my friend with breast cancer has really thrown me. Selfishly, I know she will be ok. This lady is one of the toughest, most faithful people I know. And, I'm not really worried about me...it's more about D12. I'm it. It scared me because...with all this stress, I worry...what if something happens to me?
I'm sure, part of it, is the grief and depression and pressure that goes with all that's going on.
That little girl musta really thought Smokey would rise to the occasion before we reached this point. I'm snuggling her today. She needs lots of love right now.
He is very controlling and manipulative isn't he? I haven't texted.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Alright, I got too much built up here to get this damn paper done.
Gotta let some out.
Felt it yesterday. I snapped at D12 a few times. And, I went out to buy some snow boots...got some great, much-needed snow boots...but also bought some other stuff from a place of overwhelm. Not good.
D12. She is in a bad place and I keep blaming myself. There's just not enough of ME to go around. She needs some friends. She has thrown herself, THROWN HERSELF, into her Asperger's obsession with these two boy bands. It's become her life.
Honestly, I don't think it will take much to right her capsized ship, but it means me taking care of some business. Church today is a MUST. And, dance lessons could start this week...only $9 per 30-minute-session. I inquired about private lessons to begin with. I think it would be a good confidence builder for her to start with a one-on-one lesson and move up to a group lesson. She hasn't had ballet since she was 5.
I need to make an appointment with the psychotherapist. D12 is refusing to go. I could go first. Of course, this means paying for a psychotherapist. I'm more afraid, however, of not having her in counseling and being unprotected on that front with the courts. I know a counselor would give me back-up if Smokey made trouble about homeschooling or month-long visits to Ohio. I'd rather be in debt and protected than put her through that.
I also need to send my homeschool letter of intent this week. I've had several area homeschool families reach out to me via email and offer me guidance.
NY has stricter homeschool regs than Ohio. It makes me a bit nervous. But, it needs done. This week.
Making a new list of ToDo's...ONE PAGE is for D12.
Last edited by LoisB; 11/23/1401:48 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, Do you have a will? If not, you need to get one in place to protect your assets and your children if something were to happen to you.
Dance lessons will be a good avenue for your d12 to make new friends. Does the church have activities that she could participate in?
Is it possible for you and your d12 to go to the psychotherapist together the first time? Then you could make an excuse to get up and leave after a bit and allow your d12 to see that the person isn't going to harm her.
I do hope that you and your girls can have a nice, quiet Sunday to try to relax and decompress. You've had one heck of a week on the coaster.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That's the thing. Who would she go to? Smokey? My mom? My sister? Or worse, my in-laws?
It really scares me.
I feel one extra pressure...stay healthy so she is protected.
My friend walked daily.
Sometimes I feel like life is like my newspaper...I work my a$$ off and it's the one thing I miss that bites me when I think I'm home-free.
Had a one-on-one meeting with the perfectionist editor. This week was better. He wasn't full of compliments and seems to miss the hard work I invest. He actually said, "This week, I saw an effort."
Ok.
Some of the red marks were ridiculous and nit-picky...a few, however, made me cringe.
I see what happens though.
I have the front page in place and looking nice...It gets proofed and I have to shift things around. If the front page is last to go through...and it usually is, because it's the page I want crystal clear...if changes need to be made at the last minute, I'm exhausted and I screw something up when I'm trying to accommodate editorial changes initiated by the other editor. This week. Page One needs to be the only thing left for Tuesday.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
As to where your d12 would go if something happened to you, this is something that you will need to discuss with a lawyer at some point. Given your h's history of addiction, the lawyer may very advise you that she could live w/someone else as a "guardian" to oversee her education, etc. Again, this is something that will need to be looked into sometime in the future.
I'm sorry to read about your friend. Cancer is not choosy when it comes to knock at one's door. I've seen a lot of people who were healthy and did everything right and still they were diagnosed with cancer. I do hope your friend can beat it and go on to live a healthy life.
Well, at least the editor made mention that he saw some effort. Accept the acknowledgement and continue to focus on what you need to do to hone your skills on getting this paper out each week. Heather, it's not interested how much hard work you put in the paper...but the final product. The final product is what brings in the cash. I know, it's a harsh reality, but the bottom line is the final product and the $$$ coming in from interested readers.
Now that you have a better understanding of what he's looking for and what you need to do about Page One, I think you can figure out how to work this situation out and I do know that eventually you will get the hang of things and you won't stress like you are doing these days. You are still learning and yes, it's stressful when you've got someone breathing down your back like your perfectionist, but take his comments and suggestions and use them to your advantage to make a great paper.
Tackle one thing at a time and your list won't be so overwhelming.
BTW, how is D20? Is she behaving herself not taking everything out on you?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
D20 is, well, D20. Always a mixed bag of fun and angst. ;-)
Last week, we were driving home from, as you all know, a particularly rough week. Somehow, my dad came up in the conversation. D20 made some flippant remark about him and seeing him and so forth. I think it was about the holidays and going to Ohio.
Anyway, I, honestly, said, I'm not sure my dad and I will weather this last storm. I have worked this out in my mind, 1 million different ways, and I think this lie I told...well, it's been a good illumination into our relationship and how it works...I'm taking responsibility, but looking at the WHY's of the thing too.
So, I made this remark about the reality that my relationship with my dad may not weather this storm.
D20 said, "I'm so sorry mom."
"Is it because of me?"
I said, "You played a part."
I let it go and went on from there. I'm getting better at stating my truth and letting it go without taking on the responsibility of someone else's feelings.
Well, D20 went from perky and fun to sullen and mopey. She moped her way through Walmart and gave me the silent treatment.
D12, who had had a particularly hard day...we had met the counselor I want her to see and confronted her on some risks I want her to take...Well, I asked D12 what "fun" thing she wanted to do?
She said tubing.
At Walmart, I spent $30 on innertubes.
D12 and I blew them up at home.
D20 was still moping.
I dropped by her room and said, "Are you upset because of the comment I made about Grandpa?"
She said, "Yes."
"I said, well, I'm still angry and I won't pretend that I'm not. But, D12 and I are going tubing. It would be great if you could set aside your anger toward me and come with."
She did. She let it go.
Probably called my mother and sister and the President of the U.S...but she came.
We trudged for a mile in 3-4-foot deep snow to get to the (closed) tubing hill in the dark. We brought our choc lab with us. It was so worth it! This tubing hill is awesome and the lab loved, loved, loved it!!
I think she is still planning to head back to school next semester and work. I am certain she hasn't thought this through completely. I reiterated last week that she needs to go to counseling and/or meetings if she intends to remain with us. She assured me that she would be leaving soon...Okay.
I did tell her that I expected her to pay and cook for our Thanksgiving meal. I have no idea how to pay for it right now. I really needed some winter clothing/boots. Bills to pay, etc...
She had offered to cook, but wasn't too thrilled with the food bill.
Last week, she stayed home three days because of the snow. I think she could've made it to work for two of those days.
I kept my mouth shut.
She is driving D12 crazeeeee. She is nit-picking D12 and making sarcastic comments on every little thing D12 is doing...and, because d12 is hiding her grief and fear over this transition in her boy band obsession...she gives D20 plenty to poke fun of. D12 is so sensitive and D20 is so much like her father and loves to instigate...Maybe D20 going to PA isn't such a bad thing???
I'm not convinced it will happen though. I think she has a lot of variables she hasn't thought through very carefully.
The phone hasn't shut off, yet, that I know of. Probably today. That will be fun. I haven't the money to pay it.
I really have no reason to. I could add a landline to the house to keep D12 safe when alone for like 20 bucks, less. D12 doesn't use her phone anyway, because she hates it and hates when her dad texts her. She ignores it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I'm glad you didn't sugar coat how you felt w/D20. She had a hand in what transpired between your father and you and she needs to own her part in it. I don't understand why she was mopey and angry when she knows exactly what she did. But, time will tell what she does next when she's angry.
Have you figured out how you are going to move forward with the conversation w/your father? Please do not put it off because you don't know what the future may hold and you may need his support again.
On the other hand, I'm happy that you and the girls went tubing. It was something fun and unexpected and all of you needed this to lighten up a bit.
I do hope that things will settle down so that you can enjoy Thanksgiving. I hope this week will be a better one for you. Keep climbing that mountain because soon you'll reach the top!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, yesterday, I get to work and my editor calls me when I'm still in the parking lot with some "bad news." Man did my imagination get to me!
He tells me that I was left off the email list and my newspaper is going to print Monday...mean THAT DAY. Yesterday.
Long story short. I was there until 9 p.m. But, this week's issue is DONE!!!
I was left alone to finish this one and I noticed that there were far fewer mistakes.
Nothing much else is new. Oh! The D20's phone is shutting off.
I'm not sure how to handle this one? D12 still has a phone on this plan.
I have to have a phone for D12. Or, at least a landline. IDK.
I'm sick of money today. Money, money, money...
No news from Smokey. Interestingly, he sent a text to D12 about five minutes after I texted the NC text. He asked her to take a pic of D12 and D20 and our dog in all the snow. He said that she didn't have to text back, just send a pic. He said he was thinking about the two of them a lot and sent his love.
I'm not sure she even read it.
Our first hearing is over the car insurance. What an effin waste of time. I'm thinking of just switching the car insurance over to my own personal insurance. Will need to anyway. That means I need to take care of my NY plates and license though. If I do that, will we even need the insurance hearing?
I got really, really, really REALLY angry yesterday. I think I've been depressed again because I've been stuffing the anger. I'm angry that this dickweed makes everything in my life so GD hard. Even the easy stuff, he makes hard. I express forgiveness and love and he makes it hard.
What a waste of time, energy and money. I hate wasting time, energy and money. HATE IT. Life is too short.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Yep, you sure did allow your imagination to get the better of you. I'm so glad the paper is printed and out the door for the week. You put in a very long day, but look at it this way, far fewer mistakes because you were able to concentrate w/o interruptions and/or distractions.
Why not go to Walmart, Target or Best Buy or any store and purchase one of those cell phones that you pay as you go? If she doesn't use it all of the time, this might be worth looking into and you can always put more money on the phone for her. It's something to think about.
You might want to also consider having a landline installed because if the electric goes out, at least the landline works if you have a regular phone.
Of course, you are going to get angry. Every time you turn around, he's got something bug up his @ss and is bugging you about it. I think you would be wise to get your car tags and insurance yourself and get everything off his policy. I think that if you get all of this taken care of, you won't need to have a hearing about it. It would be one more time to cut and he'd have no excuse to contact you about it. He may be thinking of trying to get you to pay half the premium if you stay on it or even if your D20 remains on the policy.
There's always an angle when it comes to crisis people. The angle is not to spend any more of their money than necessary, but they have no problem coming up w/ideas or how to spend yours. Don't be surprised if he doesn't come up with other things now that you have a full time job and getting paid.
All of a sudden he wants your D12 to take a photo of her, D20 and the dog playing in the snow? I just shook my head that after all of this time he's now admitting to thinking about them and missing them. I guess it's true...absence does make the heart grow fonder...but I would still keep on my toes w/this man.
Heather, get all of this frustration out now so that you can enjoy the holiday. Do check into the phones that are on the market and their plans. I do think that you can find something that is doable and cheaper for you and your D12. Also, think about getting your own insurance. One less thing for him to have control over when it comes to you and D20. Time to start cutting the ties w/this man and this would be a step in the right direction.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm thinking that, for me, a landline is the most inexpensive solution to this problem. It would make a temp solution for D12 being alone. I can call her and she call me in an emergency. She also has her tablet for texting.
But, D20 has been cranking.
This morning, she called Verizon because she wanted "us" to handle this. The bill is now $450 or something outrageous because we are getting charged for two suspended phones.
At lunch, she asked if I would just use her card to put $120 down and I could pay the rest.
Then, I sensed her stand-offishness when I picked her up from work.
We get home and she comes into my room...full of condescension and arrogance..."Mom, how did this become MY problem?"
I replied, "Excuse me?"
"This phone bill, how did it become my problem?"
Me: "Well, you haven't contributed anything for two months now. That's partly how it became your problem."
I tried to explain that I just don't have it help right now. My first priority is getting D12 something in the case of an emergency, but I certainly don't have $400 to give to Verizon.
I told her that I did look into phone card from Walmart and they seem like a reasonable temp solution she could afford with ther $120. I told her she could get unlimited phone and texting.
D20: "But, what about data?"
Me: "What about data?"
D20: "Well, that's what I use the most."
Me: "Well, use your laptop."
Then, she threw out how she has paid for her car repair and been budgeting and paid off her school debt (with the money Grandpa sent) and how she is paying for Thanksgiving dinner.
I said, "That's great, but you still haven't contributed to the expenses HERE. Our rent is $1250. I have a car payment. I've been paying for food. I need to take care of the car insurance."
Then, she asked...ARE YOU BUDGETING?
Then, I lost my temper and told her ...well, go ahead and call Grandpa, Grandma, Auntie and let them know.
But, wait, she can't.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
We knew her phone was going to shut down soon. I can just imagine what she said and did. I can understand you paying D12's portion of the phone bill, but I do think a landline would be best for her at this time. That's just my two cents and she has a computer and iPad at her disposal.
Doesn't D20 realize that you can only stretch money so far, especially when you are the only one bringing in the money to pay things? I don't blame you, things that aren't necessary at this time need to be curbed until you get back on your feet.
As for data, use the computer. I don't know what kind of plan you had, but texting can become very expensive. If your D20 wants a phone, she'll figure out how to get one. Whenever she's stuck, she figures out a way to get what she wants.
I had to chuckle about her paying for the car repair...she's the one driving the jeep these days isn't she? As for her school debt, she didn't cough up the money for it...her grandfather did, so how did she pay for it out of her pocket? As for Thanksgiving dinner, she's got to eat too, doesn't she? It's not that expensive and you are the one paying the rent, electric water and garbage bills, as well as the other things that they need. Sure she's starting to pay something, but it sure doesn't cover as much as your paycheck has too. It's called being account and learning monetary responsibility.
I though it was priceless when she asked if you are budgeting! OMG! She sounds like your mother and not your daughter. I think she needs to learn to be accountable for her own actions and allow you to worry about yours.
Oh, don't worry, she'll contact someone about her current situation. She always does.
I really do hope you have a nice Thanksgiving. May you have a calm and peaceful day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The nest time your D20 gets snarky about money issues, just simply tell her, "That is how grown-ups do it in the real world. Money doesn't grow on trees. If you can't handle this, then it would be good for you to consider moving out on your own so you can experience it for yourself without people coming to your rescue every single time."
Wonka, I like what you suggested that Heather say to her D20.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I do hope today will be a nice, calm day for you. Today is all about being w/family and friends and sharing the love for each other. It's a time to be thankful for all that we have, not only material things, but the people in our lives. I am keeping you and your daughters in my thoughts today and I hope that you and your D20 can set aside whatever issues that are festering to just enjoy the day.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My atty received a letter asking where D12 is enrolled.
There was another letter asking about the car insurance.
I'm feeling a bit sick. I was steadying myself this morning and listing all I have to do. I know I will right myself again, but dammit, I'm tired of his antics. Just when I get calm again, I'm hit with something else.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
You don't need to respond to anything before Monday. Take your time.
Right now, in this moment, everything is fine. As Job said, focus on enjoying your girls. Be grateful for how much you have accomplished. It's not over yet, but you keep facing each challenge as it comes and overcoming it. Look at how far you've come. Imagine yourself as the superhero and know that you'll keep moving forward. Value the process and keep taking good care of yourself along the way.
I'm awesome in a crunch, however, and my brain is already thinking of things to put into place to protect D12.
I met one homeschooling mom who is a special ed teacher. I could, even if I go into debt more, I could hire her for a month or two just to get us on stable ground. I will email her today.
Can I do this? How much can I handle?
Yesterday, I began to learn how the next paper I'm supposed to edit is off and running in terms of preparations. I need to be on my best game in every arena of my life. Holy shid.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I'm very sorry that this no info came to light w/the holiday in full swing. I thought he might be up to something when he asked several times about D12 and school. He comes across as kind and caring, but what he's doing is digging, digging for info and that's why I continue to caution you about how much and what you tell him. He's not the man you use to know and love, he's the enemy right now and you've got to be at the top of your game.
As for responding, do it Sunday evening or even Monday, but it's the holiday and no one, especially lawyers, are looking at their text messages today. Also, please hold off texting the mother you met until tomorrow. It's the holiday and she's busy sharing it w/her family. Tomorrow is soon enough to text her.
What else has your h inquired about? We now know he's asked about d12 and school, car insurance, and the condition of the house. What else has he mentioned?
For now, make your lists, but do not email/text anyone today about the situation. Keep the focus on what today means and be w/your daughters. Okay? Tomorrow is soon enough to get back into the trenches and work out your divorce situation.
As for the newspaper, it never stops, not even for a holiday, and yes, you've got to be on your best game for this because it's your bread and butter.
Focus on today and enjoy the time w/your daughters.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He drags it out. He makes sure the spouse doesn't get any financial support for awhile...it's like smoking someone out of their house. He makes it unbearable and stressful and you, finally, blow.
Ain't gonna happen.
A-holes.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
He knows I've kept track of the amount of time he didn't contact the girls. I made a point of that. Stupid. I'm sure he is coming up with ways to defend this lack of parenting and I'm sure it will be my fault.
D12 Counseling Homeschool letter of intent Call local school and set up time with guidance to see if it's possible to get her enrolled and what that would mean... Contact homeschooling mom/teacher Church...join a church? Landline so he can't say she is unable to contact him or vice versa-shid, do I just pay the bill?
My rent and car payment are both going to be late because of the car insurance and other expenses here.
Question: Why hasn't my effin atty sent letters about temp support. Why are we on the defensive? I don't like how reactionary my atty has been so far. I'd rather be the one sending the letters than receiving them. Dumb$$
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now Heather, I know it is so very tough. I'm confident that you will work through it, and be able to look back at this time and be proud of how you handled it. Of that I have no doubt.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Breathe! Express your anger here today so that it's not so evident around your daughters.
There's nothing you can do today or tomorrow about calling the local school. They reopen on Monday. Have your list ready w/questions for them.
Contact the homeschooling mom tomorrow.
If you are already attending a church, I think you are okay on that one.
Counseling? I think you've already started this process.
Call or go on line and schedule a landline order be put in place. They reopen tomorrow. Can't he contact her thru email on a laptop or computer? If he can do that, then I wouldn't be so worried about the phone issue.
Also, you did tell him that you would be moving. So, he was very much aware of the move, the job and that you were going to be going very soon.
The tools, dig out your email where you advised him and your lawyer what you did w/them. You'll probably need to address this issue again. The one thing in your favor is that he's had ample time to come get them before you gave them away. He knew that you were going to move and should have come to get them, in fact, he should have gotten them when he moved to his new place. But, that's water under the bridge now.
I would also pull any documentation that you have on what you paid to have repairs, upkeep, etc. done on the home since he left. If he wants to squeeze every dime out of you, then you need to have your documentation too.
Get all of your documentation together because the questions are now going to start coming. Why? Because he's angry about a lot of things, the house situation, tools and yes, the holidays are upon us and he's not happy that you are doing well, and because of this, he doesn't want to pay one red cent because you are working.
You need to address the retirement savings that he cashed out, if he did so. Even though he worked a job and you were a mom, you were still entitled to half of that when it comes to divorce. Whether you can get any of that back, will be something to address when the time comes.
The questions that are being raised a normal questions that are asked when separation/divorce is taking place. It's all part of the discovery process and as long as you have your documentation and what you've done w/things, you will be in good shape. You've got to keep a level head about this stuff because if you don't, you'll mess up.
I'm sure his child support didn't cover everything that your daughters needed in the way of clothing, etc., List what he paid you for support and when and then show what you had to pay in addition to what he gave you. I'm sure it's a bit more than what his check covered.
I don't think your lawyer is reactionary. I think he's been waiting for them to show their hand, which they've begun to do. Reactionary would be sending letters back and forth consistently and he's not done that.
Bottom line, you are going to have to do some homework and get your lists together very soon. Have you gotten the discovery package yet? It should spell out exactly what you need to address and yes, it's a lot of work, but it's got to be done. Heather, when I went down this road, I made a list of everything that was given to me as a gift, the value and who gave it to me, i.e, this also applies to anything in your home and not just personal items. I also made a list of what expenses that I had incurred on the marital home, and who I paid to have the repairs done, once he walked out, since he claimed that he was still co-owner of the home.
Try to stay calm because you need to stay focused and keep a level head. I know you feel that you are on the defensive, but this is normal stuff to the lawyers. Going thru the divorce process isn't easy or fun and it's got a lot of headaches attached to it, but when it's done, you'll feel a whole lot better.
Your rent and car payment being late is not a good thing...I know you have expenses, but the late fees are going to be tacked on and you don't want to set a pattern of being late and this will appear on your credit rating. You now have a landlord and he may frown upon lateness.
No 2X4's from me...but this is why I was encouraging you to talk to your father about the money he gave you because you may need to rely on your father and mother to help you out again with finances. Heather, please do not put this conversation off any longer. You are digging your hole deeper where it comes to your finances and I'm worried about that because it's difficult to get out of the hole once you've started sliding down into it.
My father isn't going to help. That just won't happen.
As far as my father is concerned, there is absolutely NO excuse for lying to him. I was already on a tenuous line with him.
My father will never, ever understand drug addiction, MLC, depression, a sexual assault that happened at my house, etc...
Dad understands Ferraris and trips to Italy.
I love my dad and always will...but, he has worked hard to create a relationship with each of his kids where the ugly, nasty truth of life never creeps in. We all follow the rules. You don't talk about unpleasantness with dad. You just don't.
When I lied, I was following his rules. In fact, chances are slim, he would have loaned me the money for the move had I told him the truth in June. Actually, I probably would have been bludgeoned, like he is now bludgeoning D20. I would have been annhialiated for allowing myself to get into such a precarious financial position again. That's just my dad.
There's a reason I lied. Even I didn't understand it completely at the time.
You think Smokey is a hard-a$$ about money...you never met my dad. He loves to be in a position to bail people out.
And, the reason I never called him?? Because if I have to hear the sighing, disappointed sound in his voice one more time...well, I think I will vomit. I'm not that lady anymore. I'm not that victim who the family can gossip about and say, "Poor Heather" OR "What is she thinking?"
He will quickly paste me right back into that mold. No explanations will do the trick.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm sorry, I don't mean to jump on you, especially today.
I know you are trying to help.
It's taken me a long time to gain enough confidence to understand that I, often, have perfectly good reasons for the actions I take.
Talking to my dad will set me up for more abuse from him and it won't mean anymore financial help. I'm afraid that bridge is now burned. Not that I wanted to ask again anyway.
I don't want to ruin anyone's holiday. I'm sorry for all of this today.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I had a one weak moment in more than 6 months with Smokey. That's ok. I need to let it go. Compared with the volumes I used to text him...well, I lost it for a day or two and yearned for the man I used to know. It's ok. I'm trusting God on this one.
The letters from Smokey's atty arrived just yesterday. A clear effort to ruin our Thanksgiving by Smokey and his atty.
I have one A$$hole of dad...he loves me, but even his best friends don't accuse him of being a warm, fuzzy. I had stepdad who abused the shid outta me and my mom and my siblings. I had nearly 3 decades with Smokey who loved emotional, underhanded, passive-aggressive abuse. I also had the world's most evil in-laws.
This is nothing I can't handle. In fact, so far, they are behaving exactly as I anticipated and it could, actually, be worse.
Little Heather has now climbed to the edge of Niagara Falls and considering a jump. I'm talking her down. God is on my side and so is the truth.
Anyone who can handle being a grad assistant AND pregnant with my first baby AND a MIA husband who didn't want the baby AND still get straight A's...well, I'm glad I'm not Smokey or his atty. I kicked Smokey out when I was 6 months pregnant. He was smoking dope like a dope-smoking chimney at the time.
I'm tougher than I seem.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Nothing like a good hair day. Well, maybe a good jeans day. Enjoy your girls:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Heather, no need to apologize for venting here. It s@cks that you received all this info right before the holiday. Job gave you a very good advice. It is probably good that your atty is waiting for the other side to lay down all their cards. Don’t panic. Think about positive outcome.
Enjoy the dinner and the weekend. I’m sure by Monday you will have more clarity about what you need to do next.
Thinking of you today .
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
1. I had a very long drawn out divorce process. Got that over and
2. He threatened legal proceedings for more money - went on 13 months UNTIL
I went on the offensive. Basically instead of responding I said enough. Sue me or go away. Nothing for 3 months now. Still not breathing easy, but the point is, the point is . . . .
You could call his bluff. I would suspect that the last thing on this earth he really wants is custody. This is not to make your child a pawn, but ask him what custody would look like to him?
Heather, I'm sorry if I struck a nerve w/you, but I'm trying to offer up some advice and suggestions to help you get ahead of this train wreck that your h is rolling your way. I do understand where you are coming from and the road isn't easy right now, but it will be in time, i.e., you have to get through this painful fact finding mission.
You've got a lot to think about and yes, preparation work for the discovery questions that will come along, if they haven't already. I know you'll get the stuff done, but right now you are angry and I hate to say this and it's not making excuses, but many of the MLCers drop this type of stuff on us around a holiday or special event. It's to throw us off our game, ruing our holidays and yes, make us as miserable as they are. I wasn't surprised to see that you had gotten some stuff this week, but I'm sorry it had to be yesterday.
On another note, glad you are having a good hair day and your dinner is delicious. Kudos to your oldest daughter for coming through today.
P.S. You aren't ruining anyone's holiday by your postings. MLC, depression, etc., doesn't take a holiday and that's why we are here posting, i.e., to help each other get through the holiday.
He texted D12 and without saying Happy Thanksgiving, asked her, "Do you like going to work with your mom?" He then made some light comment about the snow and said he loved her. He also called her by the nickname his family insists on using with her, although, she hasn't heard from them in what? a year?
Job,
I really wasn't offended, necessarily...for me, IDK, sometimes I don't clarity on why I do the things I do until I have some adrenalin surging through my veins. I had a moment of clarity about my father and I let it out.
I'm doing ok. I managed to read two Harry Potter chapters and I brought in three buckets of Christmas decorations and helped, with D12, to put things out.
D20 cooked a really, truly fabulous dinner. It was awesome. We sat on our beanbags and watched Elf while eating way too much.
I'm now taking a two-hour break from the girls. I told them I am napping. I just need to turn it off for a bit. I'm ok except my chest sorta hurts. I feel lots of tension.
He hasn't asked for custody. And, honestly, I'm not sure he will. I panicked and that's my worst fear. Absolute worst fear. The reality of this, however, may not be based in fact.
You know how MLC-ers are struggling to find their own identity?
Well, the thing that's always scared me with Smokey is his LACK of identity. He is easily pushed, pulled and prodded along. And, combine this with some really crazy inlaws and a mean atty...I'm sure he has convinced them all that I've kept D12 away from everyone. Well, and my inlaws are more than willing to go with that story because they get a Get Outta Jail Free card too.
Mom is spending Thanksgiving with crazy stepdad. I knew she was keeping him available in case her high school sweetheart didn't work out. Ick.
Last edited by LoisB; 11/27/1408:27 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
D12 is giving me tons of resistance about counseling and dance lessons and everything else right now.
I may need to have talk with both girls and tell them we need to be brave as we move through this last phase of things with Smokey. He's obviously looking for our weakest link. I will pray on this.
I can't, however, put my career on hold for this divorce. I may need an extension to get things in order. My job HAS to come first.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I'm going to be perfectly honest w/you, the question he asked your daughter about her going to work w/you isn't innocent, he's digging for info and is trying to find out exactly what your d12 is doing. He is trying to find out if her homeschooling is structured, if you are devoting the necessary time required for her homeschooling or she's just doing whatever she wants.
I do think he truly loves is girls, but he doesn't know how to relate to them because he's not been a permanent fixture in their lives for a number of years. As for calling her by the nickname his family insists on using, it tells me that he's been talking to them about your daughter. Not to scare you or give you an additional worry, but you don't know what he and his family have come up w/in regards to D12. Don't be too sure about the custody request. You haven't gotten everything out on the table yet. I don't trust none of them at this point.
I'm glad your mother is spending Thanksgiving w/someone. I hate to see people be alone on holidays. I know you don't like your stepdad, but if he's making her happy right this minute, that's all that matters. At least she's not crossing over on to your street today and getting in your business.
Any way, take some time out and pamper yourself this afternoon. You've had a really tough week all the way around. Hopefully tomorrow will be better as it is TGIF!
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. That's what I'm thinking too.
Smokey doesn't want custody, but this fear where his parents are concerned has always scared me...even when the girls were babies. At one point, MIL actually said she wanted to take D20 from me because she wanted to parent again.
I need to balance this fear, however, with the reality that they haven't reached out to the girls in forever. And, I have the history of text messages to support my claim.
I fucckin hate this. This is every worst fear of mine coming to fruition. Did I Do THIS? Am I somehow to blame?
It will mean having a sit down with D12. Not today, mind you. But, she needs to understand, somehow, the importance of creating a life here. A balanced, activity-filled life with people around her who can support her and support that this is where she needs to be. D20 can hear the sordid details and, I may need to tell her straight out that I cannot have her budge on her loyalty to me right now.
If, on top of moving and everything else, I am going to put D12 through some more pain...That letter. What did she say in the letter? It's all my fault.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I wouldn't take it upon myself to respond to the messages he sends her. If she asks you what to say, then you can help her w/the reply, but it's up to her to decide whether or not she wants to respond to him. If you do it, it will look like you are not allowing her to do it herself.
All I am advising you to do is get your documentation together and put it all in one place for easy reference when you need to address questions. Keep your eyes and ears open and do not let your guard down from now on. He knows you entirely too well and knows how you panic, get anxious and when you feel threatened, you lash out and then you attempt to try to explain and/or justify things, which digs your hole deeper and deeper. You've got to keep a level head, stay calm and if you get angry and/or frustrated w/him, take a walk, come here or do something else, but whatever you do, don't text, email or call him when you are in that state.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather, Right now, he's on a fact finding mission. What he does with the information will be anyone's guess. He may not go for custody, you'll have to wait and see what his lawyer will propose. For all you know, he could be asking these particular questions to rattle your cage and get you anxious and uptight enough to say enough and let him off the hook. Again, we don't know what his game plan is, but it will begin to show in the weeks ahead as to exactly what he's looking for. During this time, keep your cards close to the vest as much as possible. Don't let him see you sweat!
It's important to remember, that each and every husband and wife, that have children together, go through something very similar w/respect to children, i.e., custody, visitation rights/schedules and child support when it comes down to divorce.
Breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can't. I can't breathe until I know for sure she is safe from his drug addiction and his skank and his mean parents. I need for her to be safe from any more insanity, no matter what.
And, the fact that he would even consider rattling my cage or questioning my intentions/abilities with her...well, that's the last straw for me.
You can't ask me to parent alone for so many years and, then, after I've invested so much, to even give me the shadow of a doubt that she could be forced to do anything she is not ready for...mainstream school, Ohio visitations... We have earned the right to do things in a way that works fo r That is what's unforgivable to me.
It took him 3 decades, but he has finally crossed the line. He can go to [censored] hell.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I do understand. Use that anger in a productive way, i.e., to get things done that you've been putting off or go pound a pillow. Whatever you do, don't show that side to him. You want to show him that you are calm, level headed and businesslike. That will back him up just a bit and he'll wonder what happened to the old Heather that would be quaking in her boots.
I'm very sorry this fell into your lap at Thanksgiving, but it's typical of the MLCer. I'm not making excuses because it could have waited until Friday or even Monday.
Please take care of yourself. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best and put things in order for D12. It's time to do this for her anyway. She needs a full, balanced life and she will get one whether she likes it or not!!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Definitely put your D12's affairs in order. She's going to have to accept that change comes with every step we take. I'm sure she's not going to be happy w/the changes taking place in her life, but you, as her mother, have to do what is best for her even if she's not happy or understands why you are doing them. One day she will thank you for all that you have done for her.
Now, go prop up your feet and take a load off and relax just a bit You've been on an emotional coaster today and it's now time to sit this stuff aside for a bit and enjoy what's left of Turkey Day. Tomorrow is a new day and come Monday, you'll be able to contact the local school and the homeschool teacher as well.
Enjoy your evening.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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