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phx172 Offline OP
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I know about this forum because two of my friends who have used it gratefully to help them struggle with what will apparently be my grief. I never thought that I would need to use this service. But for the last six months, my wife has become very erratic in her dealings with me and our children. She has started keeping strange hours, texts at all times, and is paranoid about leaving her phone out.
As far as I knew up to now there had been no major problems in our marriage. We have a full family life with our daughters 17 and 15. Surprisingly in light of this news we have a great sex life. We do argue, but it’s sporadic and mostly about how we can do more for our kids and of course, money matters.
Obviously, there was something going on in her life. She refused to discuss these changes, only saying that the pressure of work was increasing , and she was having a hard time dealing with everything. Since communication between us was drying up, I felt I had no choice but to engage a reputable private investigation firm to look into her activities.
I am a principal in a corporate security firm and I could imagine all sorts of things that may be happening. But I love my wife very much and I was also afraid that she was putting herself at serious risk.
The investigation took about two weeks. Sadly, the investigator’s report was no surprise. It seems that the OM and my WAS had leased an apartment together, and she regularly spent time there in the afternoons and evenings. On two occasions, “out of town trips” were spent in this apartment.
I made several attempts to have lunch with her (our offices are two blocks apart), and finally succeeded yesterday. The investigator joined us in my conference room and presented his report. My WAS vehemently stated that the report was misleading and nothing was going on.
When she realized the foolishness of her position, she broke down and admitted to the A, saying that ILYBINILWY. She claimed that she didn’t want to hurt me and the girls, but the OM was really her soul mate. She would like both of us in her life, but her decision was to make her life with the OM.
Our pre nup calls for mediation in the event of an A. She agreed that this would be the best course. She also said that counseling would do nothing to change her mind and we shouldn’t waste the time or the money. I’m in total agreement, since with my type of business, I can’t share my life with someone that can’t be absolutely trusted.
We will start the mediation process in two weeks. It seems it takes some time to get all the players in the same room at the same time.
My questions to the forum are these. First, she hinted that she would like me to relinquish the house until the girls leave for college (the house was mine before marriage). Next, she felt that the OM should be involved in the parenting of our daughters (since they are soul mates the OM would be able to help her be a better parent}.
I am totally opposed to both suggestions. Can anyone help me deal with these requests in a logical way? I can’t work through the anger at her attitude about this.


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Very sorry that you had to resort to this forum, but I hope you'll find here the support that you need.

Could you clarify what you mean by "OM getting involved in parenting"? What kind of actions would it involve? Anything that might interfere in your co-parenting decisions with your wife?


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OK, I'm no AZ divorce lawyer.

First, I'm going to assume you didn't have a "covenant M". If you didn't, then A is meaningless and you're looking at no-fault D.
It appears that AZ divides property 50-50. So you say the house was yours before M. Meaning you owned it outright, no mortgage? If so, it's yours. If not, you would own any pre-marital equity you had (you'd have to establish what equity you had at time of M), and you would own half the equity built up during the M. This doesn't stop W from asking for the house for 2 years so the kids aren't disrupted, tying up your equity. See a L.

On the OM being involved in parenting. Post-D you would have no say. Pre-D, you probably have no say. That is, an A doesn't impact property division or alimony consideration, so your W doesn't have to hide it. So, in the extreme, W could invite OM to live in the guest room tomorrow, involve him in kids lives, and it wouldn't impact the settlement, and I don't know that there is much you could do about it.

Not what you want to hear, I know, but A's and D's just aren't fair.

You need to go consult a L right away to know what your rights are. Don't walk into the mediation uninformed.

Again, I'm no L, just going by what I've seen.

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phx172 Offline OP
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Mozza, thanks for reading my very long initial post. I couldn't figure out a way to shorten it.

You hit the nail on the head re: parenting. I can't figure out exactly what she means. My Ds are on a path toward the college of their choice and my D17 has every chance of getting into the college of her choice next year.

We have both contributed to their college fund, which is in an restricted trust. I'm taking zew's advice and seeing an L on Monday. I was misinformed that I couldn't use a lawyer during mediation.

I will definitely seek an answer from the L if the OM can impact my Ds choices for education and other things. More importantly, I want to know if I can step in if he forces bad choices on them.


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Zew, thanks for the tough advice, especially about using an L during mediation. I fortunately got an appointment on Monday with a firm that specializes in representing H in divorce.

I do own the house outright with no mortgage. It was my parents' and I grew up in it. With personal funds I expanded it prior to marriage. Of course, community funds have been used to maintain it over the years. So, this will be question 1 with the L.

My partnership shares are already handled in the pre nup, and I'm sure the L will advise me the best way to get them valued. The pre nup gives me 10 years to pay out her share of the increase in value.

But the real concern that you touch on is that I can't keep the OM out of anything post D. My biggest concern is that if they occupy the house for 2-3 years, will that give them some type of squatters rights? Hopefully, the L can tell me how to make sure that doesn't happen.

Thanks for the tough words. I need to hear the difficult things now rather than have regrets later.


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phx,

Do.NOT.give.away.your.house. EVER.

You're getting good advice from Zew.

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Don't give her the house or move out. She has made her decision. Tell her she is welcome to move out to the apartment she shares with other man. Don't leave the bedroom, don't accommodate her in any way. Don't allow other man to move in. She has made her decision. Don't put yourself in any position where she can call the police and accuse you of anything. I would talk to your lawyer about making sure the kids live with you the majority of the time. You should be able to get this so the kids lives are disrupted as little as possible due to the issues between you and your wife. You can have shared custody while having the kids stay most of the time with you in the house. Hopefully you have not put your wife on the deed to the house as it could complicate things. Money spent to maintain the house won't matter in court.


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Also- Phx, Given your daughters ages, they might well have some say about where they stay and who they spend time with. Again, each state is different, but in my state the court is supposed to take the kids wishes into consideration once they reach a certain age.


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Saw the L today. Very glad I made the appointment. His instructions were as follows: (1) Do not leave the marital residence under any circumstances; (2)Do not discuss any agreements outside of the mediation process; (3) By signing a lease with the OM for an apartment, she has effectively left the residence; (4) In AZ, the child's preference is taken into account, and with mediation, my Ds can be interviewed privately.

After this, I am very hopeful. The L also pointed me to the 180 blog and told me that I should follow it starting immediately.

Thanks to all for commenting and helping. I feel less like I'm totally out of control of my life.


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Very good. Being informed and knowing what you're up against can take a lot of anxiety out of the situation.

Now I know you're committed to the D, but are you ready to start working through other issues?

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Zew,I have to admit my greatest fear is controlling my anger. My commitment to the D is really based on my anger at being tricked, or at least stupidly unaware of what was really going on in my life. Fortunately, I had seen the 180 rules from a friend of mine going through the same issues last year, so I haven't (so far) expressed my anger in front of the family.

One thing the L also mentioned was to limit my business travel and spend as much time in town as possible, perhaps offering to volunteer at the Ds school (which I do as a security consultant). He said that was an excellent way to stay active and visible in their lives.

At this point, managing my anger and being more supportive to my Ds are the biggest projects in my life right now.

Any other thoughts would be really appreciated


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Hi,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. There is much that can be done!


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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I am in my house with my kids. STBXW chose to leave. I will owe her some amount when this is final. The kids are in stable place where they hsve always lived. They visit or stay over with their mom as they choose. But this is home. See if you can craft a similar situation for yourself. Yes, when they are older like yours they have more of a say in where they stay...mine have chosen to be home most of this past year.

At some points STBXW has tried to insist that they stay with her at some times. They have a right to say no if they wish. Our job is to be supportive of the kids and not influence them to make time in one place or another. They tend to stay where they have their friends and activities. Both my STBXW and i are now involved with someone else. Those people have no say in the lives of my kids.


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T 17 years
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Paul, thanks for sharing your situation. I know I need to calm down and work toward what is the best situation for the kids. I hope I can get to what you have achieved. Especially the part where you have reached an agreement that others have no say in the life of your kids.

My business partners have reworked our schedule so that I have no travel. They also have stressed that I need to start working with a counselor to work on reducing my stress. I plan to start that ASAP.


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Phx thanks for the response. Gou.mnetion stress. Tske some time each day cor yourself. Excersise if you can. Get your blood pumping. It helps. It belped me get through the first few months. Keep posting and keep working on you. I know that sounds hard to do...but right. Ow thsts really all you can and should do. Focus on being a great dad. find the part of you you lost or gave away during this time.


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Yesterday evening, my wife told me that she was moving into the apartment with the OM. I wasn't surprised since we both received the questionnaires from the mediation firm. She also told me that she couldn't (or wouldn't) transfer funds next month to our joint household account.

She claims she is bearing the cost of their apartment and can't fund both households. This transfer would include our agreed joint payment for our Ds college fund. She wouldn't comment as to whether or not she will make any more contributions.

I remained calm and didn't argue about that. She also said she wouldn't be joining us at my sisters for Thanksgiving. Apparently, she is going to spend it with the OM. I wonder about his family. Two families hurt for the holidays?


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Well, Thanksgiving went better than expected. My wife called both Ds to wish them Happy Thanksgiving. She texted the same to me. I just sent back "thanks, you too."

On the holidays I went hiking with friends, and took the girls to a display of winter lights at our local zoo. We had a great time.

Received an email from Michelle outlining the "Last Resort Technique." Great thoughts and similar to the 180 approach. I also read "The 5 Love Languages."

Learned that my love languages were affirmation and acts of service. It's obvious that my wife's are not those. We have been together 24 years and we obviously never connected really closely. It's too late to do anything about it since we are starting mediation on Wednesday.

I can only take away the knowledge and move on, but I'm really disappointed that I totally missed what was going on in our relationship all those years.


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I wanted to close this thread by thanking everyone who responded with timely and very helpful advice. I also want to thank the facilitators of this website/blog. The quick help and insight I got was invaluable to me.

We have been through three days of mediation with meetings in two hour sessions. I can't beleive how much was accomplished. We both used lawyers as advisers not as proponents of an adversarial court battle. I would like to recommend mediation as a solution to anyone who really wants to separate rather than battle it out in court.

A final comment on mediation. These mediators are attorneys with psychology backgrounds. I think this combination of education and experience was very helpful in our process.

To try to pay back the help I have been given here, my next post will summarize our results. This may be of use to someone considering alternatives to their situation. Thank you all.


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Here is a quick summary of our mediation results:

1. STBXW realized that the process would not be adversial and relaxed during the first meeting. At the second meeting (after we both met separately with mediators and stated our concerns), she backed off from having me move of the home which is our separate property.

2. I then gave her a pass on making further contributions to our Ds educational trust.

3. She then stated that she would reduce her request for spousal support by that amount.

4. We both wanted joint parental participation. She agreed to let me be named the custodial parent with our Ds freedom to arrange their own visitation schedule (subject to our approval, of course).

5. She agreed to accept the business valuation report (to come) and to accept payout over ten years. I agreed to pay two years of that up front to help give her some reserve cash.

6. In the last session we both apologized to each other for wrong assumptions and bad decisions on both of our parts. In the end there was no "bad guy" here. After all, we still have to be parents to two beautiful and talented daughters.

7. The mediators are drawing up the settlement documents, which will be finalized after the final business valuation report. Then we just have to wait for the statutory waiting period, and all is complete.

8. Yes, I still have some hurt and anger over what happened. But at least we will be apart without a prolonged and hurtful legal battle and can get on with our separate lives.


M 21 T 24
D 17 D 15
Bomb: 11/5/14
Wife moved out 11/25/14
Started D by mediation 11/25/14
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