I second that list of things. It's so close to what I'm seeing with my W. I'm just praying that 'loss' will come soon...
Eleven,
You seem to be doing really good. I need to follow your lead. I thought I was able to check out emotionally, but the Holidays are starting to get to me.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Sandi asked a few questions, maybe go back and see if you can answer those?
I have one--why are you already selling the house and going through finances and all that? How did that come about and is it what YOU want?
As for the W going out, supposedly to see OM, one of the first things you can do is make sure YOU are going out and let her wonder about where you are and what you're doing.
Maybe when she gets home, you're not there.
As for her asking "If you mind if she goes out". Do you KNOW that she's going to see OM? Did she used to go out a lot in the past? Is she getting home in the middle of the night/morning?
Is this a new thing since OM came on the scene?
I think it was Starsky who had some serious boundaries with that. Something like: He locked the doors and turned off all the lights after a certain hour.
You don't have to give your "okay". IS that in accordance with your personal values?
When she asks, you can simply say: "You are an adult. You don't need my permission to make your choices."
And then shut it down and walk away.
Be sound asleep or out when she gets home. Be happy in the morning and make yourself a great breakfast. Be upbeat, as if you had a party at your house in her absence and you're thinking about how much fun you had all the next day.
Once you can start changing your attitude, she will notice. Don't expect anything to be different, except for her to wonder what's up with you and why you aren't acting like she expects you to.
Hang in there, eleven. It takes work to do this DBing. And lots of practice.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Selling the house was probably a mistake on my part, but it all happened right after I found out and wasn't making the best choices. I'll have to live with that, it's just a house.
I have been going out as well. She always asks where I'm going. I never ask her. I don't know anything for sure, but she doesn't really hide where she is going. I think she just assumes I know. Some nights she doesn't even come home. This is all new behavior since the OM came on the scene.
I'm going to use the line about being an adult and making your own decisions, Even though it feels like she's acting like a teenager.
Again, thanks for all the input. The support means a lot.
Sold sign went up today. Kind of down about that. Haven't really seen her in a few days because of work and the fact that she's always gone. I purposely haven't wanted any info on who the OM is, because it doesn't matter, and it will just make me think about it more. But, someone told me who is girlfriend is and it turns out I went to high school with her. I don't really know her, but I've been tempted to talk to her to get her side of the story. I'm not going to, I know that doesn't help. It just hard not to think about. Plus I'm worried if it ends up being worse than what I think. Just venting, not one of my better days.
I know how you're feeling. When I found out my WAS was "sleeping with" someone -- meaning he wouldn't admit to an R but I'm not an idiot and I suspect he had a PA with her before we split, too --, it turns out I know her husband. An acquaintance only, but still. They're D-ing and things are pretty bitter on his (the husband's) end.
I was SO tempted to reach out to him but decided to keep to my own sandbox and see what plays out.
Instead, I'll settle for praying for their marriage and asking God to reconcile their commitment to each other.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Thanks, that's what I'm thinking. Keep my head down and keep moving forward. There is very little, if anything, that could make me feel any better by reaching out to her. And probably a whole lot that can make me feel worse.
She's in a better mood the last couple days. I'm sure it is because she's relieved the house is sold. Definitely makes it easier to be upbeat, but I wonder if it's more effective to show that I'm happy when she's being less than co-operative. Either way, ijust keep smiling and doing my own thing.
Last night I told her I have plans Friday for a friend's birthday. Her response was that'll be fun maybe you'll get laid you should take some condoms. She was joking around and laughing like she actually wants that to happen. It was pretty upsetting. I got pretty quiet and had to bite my tongue. She could se that I was upset and apologized. I just told her that it was disprepectful to treat it like no big deal and I didn't appreciate it. I wanted to blow up, but didn't.
