Very little contact today as she was at work. She texted me a few times to ask about house stuff. I don't respond right away, and when I do I keep it short. She asked if I had plans tonight. I didn't, but I said yes and then made some. Also got about 100 pages into DR.
And she's gone again. I only stayed out until about 9:30 because I have to work in the morning. It took about 3 minutes for her to make plans once she saw I was back. She hasn't been in a good mood since getting home. Wanting to start talking about money and division of assets as I'm leaving. Told her I would talk about it another time because i have somewhere to be.
And she's gone again. I only stayed out until about 9:30 because I have to work in the morning. It took about 3 minutes for her to make plans once she saw I was back. She hasn't been in a good mood since getting home. Wanting to start talking about money and division of assets as I'm leaving. Told her I would talk about it another time because i have somewhere to be.
Hi Eleven,
What a tough situation you are facing. You are doing well when many people would have lost it by now.
You did a good job in putting off a talk about division of money and assets tonight. Don't you think it is horrible to bring up this discussion on Thanksgiving? And when you said that you didn't want to discuss it that was good. I'm not sure why you added the part of you having somewhere else to be. I thought you were home for the night, right? Instead, it is probably stronger for you to say that "I'm not going to discuss it right now. Let's schedule a proper time that we can go over this." That way she can't ambush you with an unexpected discussion. You have my best wishes.
Hi Eleven, I'm sorry for my mis-understanding. Were you ready for a talk with your W about the division of money and assets? How goes your reading of DR?
Found out yesterday that's it's going to be tough to get a mortgage on my own due to our joint debt. She seemed genuinely upset and apologized for the situation. I told her I would be fine and i would figure it out.
Later that evening she was at work and texted me to see if I was ok. I said iwas doing good and left it at that. A few hours later I saw that she called, but I didn't hear my phone.
I've been in LRT mode for a few weeks now. Maybe this is asign of progress, maybe not, but it hasn't gotten worse, so I'm going to keep it up. I feel better lately myself because of my change in attitude and worrying about myself and my son, so if that's the only benefit then I'm still ahead of where I was amonth ago.
Signs of progress do not usually come wrapped the way the LBH thinks it will. It is still early, so I would not have expectations. You can have hope, but don't pin expectations of reconciling on one day of her particular mood/actions.
I can give you a few things to expect. Some may consider this as negative talk, but I see it as preparing you for the reality that will hit. these are just a few random thoughts that come to mind. No particular order, and there are many other things that could be added, but this will start you out.
- She will blame you for all of her unhappiness. -She will make you out to be the bad guy by rewriting history or whatever she has to do to make herself look justified in having an A and ending the M. -She will use you for whatever suits her need at that moment. -She will play on your sympathy, and expect you to feel sorry for her. -She has a bag of tricks, and will not hesitate in using them in order to accomplish what she wants. Guilt is one of her favorites. -She will cling to old resentments from the past. - She will have wide mood swings that are worse than any PMS you've ever witnessed. -She will do something or say something a little nicer, that will completely throw you off balance. -She will be deceptive, even when she doesn't have to be. -She will not be logical. You cannot reason with her. -She is not the girl you M. -She does have her head in fantasy clouds. She has a fantasy about OM and their future together. -She will not hear, nor does she want to listen to anything about working on the M. -She will not trust your changes to be genuine or to last. -She may kiss, hug, cuddle, or even have sex with you (depending on the woman), but it does not mean she has had a change of heart, or that it is a good sign of anything. -She will want to continue some family activities and maintain her position (in name only) as the woman of the family. She does not want to be "replaced", although, she doesn't want you. -She wants to do things with the family in her time frame and on her conditions, not yours. -She does not have the best interest of you or her kids at the core of her decisions. -She will show disrespect for you. -She is addicted to the thrill of the A. -She is capable of feeling some guilt, but not in the way you may think she should. She does not feel remorseful for her actions. -She will probably get worse before getting better. -She has to experience some kind of loss in order to get out of the fog. -She cannot be rescued. -She seems to be insensitive to your pain or the children hurting. -She must face reality of what she's done. -She can turn around, but it takes a long time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't have any expectations from her being in a better mood for a little while. Maybe it's just me being in a better place that makes it seem that way. Thank you for taking the time to type out that list. You couldn't be more spot on if you were sitting here watching this happen. You obviously have a great deal of experience in the matter, and I thank you for taking the time to share it.
I don't see it as negative at all. In fact, it's comforting to know how common and predictable it is, as sad as that is.
