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I kept trying to think of a catchy new thread title. Then I saw my last thread had 99 posts and it just came to me. I've been in the anger, hurt, crazy phase these last few months and I need to stop focusing on H. He ain't my problem right now!!!

Here's the links to thread 1, 2 and 3

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2445162#Post2445162

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2489637&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2490178&page=1


Brief synopsis of my sitch:

Me 41, H 40, 4 kids: s19, s16, d13, s8

High school sweethearts, married 20 years
Since about 2010 knew " something wasn't right" with H. Became moody and very different personality. Started buying lots of motorized toys, having an EA with our friend/neighbor. In late 2012 told me he wasn't sure our marriage was going to work- said he was " deprioritized" and I wasn't meeting his needs. I do have a very demanding job and was building a new practice during all this so I tried to change as much as I could and work on things that I knew were issues ( including a somewhat SSM for years). Nothing I did seemed to be enough. Then in Sept 2013 he told me he was seeking out a divorce. I was shocked. Despite all our issues- I didn't expect him to do that. Found DB/DR 3 days later and realized this is MLC.
He moved out Oct 1 and filed Oct 10. Hasn't done anything more with it but who knows. Said recently he thinks we will be divorced before end of year.
Moved back in Jan 17 because he was suicidal. Got on AD, going to IC but still not sure about relationship. Moved back out early May saying he just felt he needed to move forward with the divorce in order to get through everything he needs to deal with.

I have been dim since Oct, needed to for my own sanity as I'm hitting a different phase in my journey that can only best be described as volatile. It's weird- in the beginning I hit the books and started working on me and was calm and compassionate and forgiving with H. Since his last announcement that he needs to D ( late Sept) I am angry and emotional and sometimes crazy in my thinking! I don't show that to him basically because I keep my distance. But it makes me feel like I'm going backwards sometimes. I continue to work on myself, and I'm digging into some pretty deep and longstanding wounds so maybe that's it. I'm just ready for some peace that lasts more than a few hours or days.

Last edited by daring; 11/20/14 06:38 PM.

Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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Love the title ... Hit me !! Lol

I think this journey the MLC is on ... creates a journey for us LBS that is necessary, granted .. not wanted .. hence our reluctance at first. Like you said .. at first we are all compassionate and forgiving, labeling them with MLC does alot to take away the responsibility for them IMHO, eliminating us from demonizing them to much. And being compassionate and forgiving is a TON easier than looking at ourselves in the mirror and admitting .. "Well crap .. looks like I have some serious chit to work on myself ... I thought I was the one with it all together" .... the cycles of all the emotions, its normal, and healthy ... keeps us working, what we have to watch is being stuck on one emotion for to long .... stagnation is the enemy.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Nobody has it "all together" but I consider MLC more of an explanation for their extreme response to this time in life rather than an excuse. Most of the population deals with this transition in ways that are not as destructive. The reality of watching somebody "flip that switch" is jarring and the LBS needs to have some sort of narrative to deal with all of this. DBing is a coping mechanism but even Michelle says MLC behavior is fairly extreme.

Aren't we all on a journey all the time anyway? No disrespect Cali but that word is bandied about like the word dysfunctional. yes we can get stuck but even being stuck is still a journey.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Quick update- been off the board for a few days- busy with work and been at a scrapbooking weekend away with my daughter. It's one of my favorite hobbies but don't get to do it too often.

Had a couple of good interactions with H last week. He seems less " foggy", I'm just trying to get over the anger stage and stay positive in front of him. He even offered for me to borrow his truck for the trip since it has more room to carry all our stuff.

So had great PMA most of weekend but woke up this morning feeling a little sad. Had vivid dreams last night and some emotions from those lingered.
So I prayed for a Bible passage to read.
What I received floored me- Hosea 3. I have to admit I've never read that book. But the passage is specifically about God's instructions to Hosea to reconcile with his wife. Ummmm ok wow. I'm not taking this as a sign that H is going to do that any time soon, he still has lots of work to do. But I am seeing it as God's message to me to just keep hanging in there. And so I will.

I'll catch up on everyone's sitch later today. Hope everyone's doing well!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
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I totally believe that we receive lots of signs that help validate something or warn us.

Have a great week.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Hi daring!

I'm leery of "signs". Here's why:

We can see anything as a sign, based on what we are looking for.

W often told me (early on) about "signs from the universe" that told her she was right to bolt from the M.

Anything can be a sign, of whatever we want, if we want it to be.

Better to use long term reason and logic to guide your course, not fleeting "signs".

Bust On, girl!

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 11/24/14 08:51 PM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Early in my sitch my WAW took to astrology. She thought her astrologist was wonderful because "almost half of what she predicted came true." W scrambled to read her horoscope in the newspaper each morning. She would comb the internet for compatibility of her sign with OM's sign. I used to read my W's horoscope too and was just amazed at how contradictory they were from day to day. I felt that if our M was being left to astrology, we were truly doomed.

My W has now dug herself into a deep hole. A D is in progress. She will lose her family, house and financial security. I am now indifferent at best; she has taught me that I cannot rescue her.

My W was surrounded by signs. She saw the ones she liked, and was blind to many, many more.

I'm with FY on this one -- seeing signs is highly selective. Stick to consistent observations.

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I will just agree to disagree with above. I mean I get it ... sure we can see what ever we would like to see, but there are some things .. like reading the Book for instance that you just know to your core it was meant for you to read. If this gives you the strength, patience, faith and hope to continue doing what you know in your heart is the right thing to do ... regardless of how hard ... then let that fuel you for a bit. I think we all need a nudge here and there letting us know that we are not crazy, even though it may be easier to just drop it and walk ..... I have had a good number of signs in my sitch .... I do feel if my M was meant to be destroyed it would have been by now, yet ... here I am .. still here .. still standing.
Keep at it daring ... you have this.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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I just had to post on this thread as I'm a huge believer in being able to "see" signs. I respect everyone's opinion and this is simply my own.

I do believe very much we are given signs. Sometimes we choose not to see them or we have *too much interference " that prevents us from being able to process or really see something. Sometimes, it's a matter of not liking what we see. However, the interesting thing about signs is that what we see may make us uncomfortable. My xh who believed in no such thing allegedly, told me after BD, that "signs" kept telling him to leave. Did I agree? No, and it didn't matter. That was what he *saw* and felt, and honestly, it's not my place to judge or determine whether he is right or wrong. His choice. My choice on how to respond and live my life. And for the record, I operate almost entirely on logic.

I shared before that on my way to work one day I asked G-d or the universe to please give me a sign that I would be okay. At that moment, a construction vehicle carrying an actual sign passed me. It made me smile. Signs can be literal or figurative. However, their actual message is subject to interpretation by the recipient. And the reality is that is something that cannot be controlled.

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 11/24/14 10:31 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Goodnes I got a lot of traffic on that one! smile
I'm not being frivolous and looking for signs or something to confirm my thoughts. But sometimes I get tired and sad and just wonder whether I should throw in the towel and move on.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
If this gives you the strength, patience, faith and hope to continue doing what you know in your heart is the right thing to do ... regardless of how hard ... then let that fuel you for a bit.


^^^^^ This captures the essence of what I felt when I read that passage.
But I certainly don't discount logic and direct observations either.

Feeling a little nervous about Thanksgiving as we are having it together at my house ( H's request). I've been quite dim and only interacted with him for 20-30 min at a time when exchanging kids. Have to keep up my PMA and confidence for several hours this time.
I've got this- even have a cute outfit ready!!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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