Damn! You're like a wet noodle with no backbone. C'mon!
When your W starts to talk about the OM, put up a hand and say, "I will not listen to you talk about the OM for it is very disrespectful to me as your husband." Walk away.
When W tries to mosey up and cuddle on the sofa, gently remove her hands/arms from you and then move to another chair.
You MUST draw a line in the sand to convos about the OM...OMG, even talking about sleeping with him to your face!!! Where's your backbone, Rzr.
There's a time to listen and a time to be very firm.
Seriously, I don't understand why you've postponed your bike trip to Austin for you were really looking forward to it. I am wondering if you're using work as a cop-out when in reality you're doing this for W since she's made the moves on you.
No, the work thing came from people too high up to say no to. It's happened before. One of the reasons I'm looking for a new job.
Yeah, I lost my head for a bit last night. I THOUGHT I was trying to listen and pick out what she's trying to say, (don't believe what they say and all that) but I was yet again being a doormat. I finally put a stop to it, but I had let it run on too long.
I'm figuring out how F'ed up and codependent this relationship really is. She didn't lose her respect for me because I didn't handle my parents well, she lost respect for me because I let her walk all over me from the beginning.
She'll say we're distant, and want me to be around for her, and then when I am around for her, she says stuff guaranteed to push me away...
Back on the horse, try again today.
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/21/1403:09 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Rzr ... I have been there. You feel if you are there for her emotionally its the way to get back in her "good graces" I assure you ... this will bring you months/years of pain .
The Wet Noodle/ Back bone thing is spot on. If she brings up OM, at that point you put her in her place and say "The A you are HAVING (not had) is disrespectful to me, our marriage and our family and I will not live in an open marriage" Then you promptly leave that torpedo in her head and leave as it blows up. She will kick and scream like a 2 year old ... but hopefully respects you are being a man about it and making a stand.
She does not feel passionate about you because you have allowed yourself to be a doormat, she does not see you as Lancelot ... I realize these are some harsh things to think about, but you need the 2x4 here.... I needed the same one. I have read some books aimed at just this issue (can not post them here) ... but you need to rebuild your self esteem and get your mind right. GAL, with this in mind .... do things that build you up ... I went as far to buy a Harley .. always wanted one but she said no .. and I said yes maam ... I mean WTF? That was not living .. that was serving.
Don't worry about what she is saying/doing ... she is all pins and needles on the OM, let that run its course and use your gift of time to rebuild yourself.
She's napping right now so I thought I'd journal a bit.
I know the text thing was childish, but that was for me. She'll never know I did it. I can't stop her from texting w/ him, but I don't have to make it easy.
We've actually had a decent day and she's been in a good mood. We had a productive R talk this morning. One of my things I need to work on for me is my assertiveness. Basically she just doesn't see me as assertive or take charge, and that's one of the reasons she's not attracted to me. I asked her what she considered assertive. The good news is that I've been doing a lot of those things; I had the presence of mind not to point that out to her.
She's actually kind of angry at OM right now. He hasn't texted her in 7 days (well, he did, but I don't need to tell her that). She talks about F'ing with his mind the way he's F'ed with hers. I do say I like the "take charge of herself" W better than the victimy one I've seen lately. He'll say things that get her heart racing, not overtly sexual but bold and flirty, and then disappear for days at a time. Basically she knows in her head that he's a "scoundrel" (her words, my terms for him are unprintable) but her heart and her hormones won't listen. The only thing I told her was that my issue with him is not so much that I'm worried about her physically cheating (which is a clear point of no return for me), but that until she gets him right in her head, there's not much chance of her reconnecting with me. He didn't cause our root problems, but he's a huge wedge to us working on them.
It would almost be easier, I think, if we were physically separated. I'm having a real hard time being attentive (I want to reward when she's calm) and being detached at the same time. I'm mostly good at keeping my emotions in check. Attacking the OM is a bad habit I need to kick, big time. I try not to mention him at all, but every talk we have, she mentions him. She talks over and over about he's not the root cause of our issues, but she won't stop talking about him. It would almost be easier if I lived somewhere else and could just go dark.
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/21/1408:32 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I don't know how else to word this, sufficed to say that it's kind of gross that you did that and now you're smug about it.
If you want to be with your W, she has to choose you. She has to want to be with you, willing and ready and able to work on your M.
She cannot choose that when you're "making her" think the situation is different than it is. It's dishonest.
In my opinion, it would have been a better moral move for you to say, "I've seen this; what's going on?", rather than delete it and be creepily delighted that you got rid of it and she'll never know.
You need to be a man worth being with, not someone that's tricked her into choosing you.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I try not to mention him at all, but every talk we have, she mentions him. She talks over and over about he's not the root cause of our issues, but she won't stop talking about him. It would almost be easier if I lived somewhere else and could just go dark.
Or, you know, you could always try doing what like EVERYONE ABOVE ^^^^ has suggested you do when she talks about him. You know . . . that.
I don't know how else to word this, sufficed to say that it's kind of gross that you did that and now you're smug about it.
If you want to be with your W, she has to choose you. She has to want to be with you, willing and ready and able to work on your M.
She cannot choose that when you're "making her" think the situation is different than it is. It's dishonest.
In my opinion, it would have been a better moral move for you to say, "I've seen this; what's going on?", rather than delete it and be creepily delighted that you got rid of it and she'll never know.
You need to be a man worth being with, not someone that's tricked her into choosing you.
I am the man worth being with!!! She just refuses to see it because I'm competing with a fantasy!!
I know, it wasn't the best move, relatively harmless, but not how I need to play this out. It felt good for a while, but it's not worthy of me. I know that. I guess my frustration level is really high this week.
Back to detaching.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
