Hi I am a new member here. My DH and I have been married almost 20 years. We have one child in heaven (stillborn) and another DD that is 13. We had a pretty big issue 2 1/2 yr ago when I had a brief affair with an ex. We came back together but the last 6 months have been strained, communication or lack of about money, little to no physical connection, built up bitterness because there was not communication. I know where our problems are. I have a pretty good idea of what to do... Communicate. But he has decided just like overnight that he hasn't been happy and he wants time and space. I dint have the book, I see this idea is to give them their time and space. HTH does this work, 1 it is killing me 2 all I am doing is thinking about the last 6 months and how much he has hurt me and how many times and ways he didn't respond! Help me understand what to do and how . Our DD is staying with him, always a daddy's girl, we have our share of problems. She is blaming me and pushing me away same as he is.
Help!!!
Married 6/1/96 Separated 11/10/14 at his request One 13yr old daughter One child in heaven
I ordered the books I cannot wait. I just don't get this concept of time and space. For me it is just giving me more time to remember how he hurt, how he didn't respond when I did suggest and reach out to him.
His birthday is this weekend, should I, could I get him a card? A gift?
Married 6/1/96 Separated 11/10/14 at his request One 13yr old daughter One child in heaven
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. You can also get feedback regarding how to handle the upcoming birthday. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
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I don't have the money for coaching. I have basically no money and staying in an extra room at my father ....... With his mom (my 90 yr old grandmother) his 60+ brother his 20+ son.
There is still stuff of mine in the aptSrtmrnt which I have given over the key so he didn't have to change the locks, Does he really get to decide what I get and don't get? Why does he get to make all the decisions? Am I really supposed to have no contact? I just don't know what to do
Married 6/1/96 Separated 11/10/14 at his request One 13yr old daughter One child in heaven
No affair. Just a lack of communication, about money about anything. Well for 6 months he has been unhappy, when I suugested things to bond as family, nothing, when I suugested a marriage seminar nothing.
On day of separation - started in morning. He has been recently diagnosed as diabetic so he was trying and I was trying to help him do his blood sugar he was frustrated and yelling at me ( or so felt) I said I have to go, go to get away for a moment. He said you are not taking MY truck. My car was at my dads, he said I have stuff to do today, I said like what. He did stuff , no explanation. When I came back hex was talking to his mother and giving her details of exactly what his plans were.
Frustrated that he can tell his mom his detailed plans for the day, but not me, typical of our communication I find out more by hearing a concersation he has with someone else than what he actually says to me, I sucked my teeth and shook my head. He started yelling, I dint know what your problem is but you better get straight. I told him I would tell him when he got off the phone. When he did I let out you wanna know what it means when I suck my teeth and shake my head and till my eyes, it means why cant why is it you can tell your mom your plans and not not even talk to me, for months I found out more about what we were doing as a family from my DD yea dad says we are going here, really? Then hit the money problems, then he says I am done it's over. Whatcarecyou done with? Us the marriage it's over. Then he said something so hurtful that all if the past 6 months if my own frustration and hurt busted loose and I slapped him. I slapped him and walked away, as stunned as he was, he said I am calling police and pressing charges! He called said his little thing I wax still in shock I called my sister, he was getting dressed and walked out to as he did meet the police, I sat waiting for the knock in the door, 39 minutes nothing I looked out the window hisctruck was gone, I looked on fb he was in in nearby town, I knew he went his moms, he didnt call police but he let me believe it.
So much more but all I can right now
Married 6/1/96 Separated 11/10/14 at his request One 13yr old daughter One child in heaven
I don't how ti do this no contact thing. That is basically what he is asking for. Time and space ti work on him, and I am supposed to do the same.
I just don't where to begin. Well I do know some things just having a hard time getting all of these questions out of my mind.
How long will this last?
Our DD is with him and basically doing same thing. Time and space , leave her alone.
Why all the anger directed at me? They say they are not angry except when they feel I am not giving them their time and space.
They say all I am thinking is about me. I think it's opposite I am thinking about us, they are thinking about themselves and don't care about my hurt.
I feel invisible here.
I went to church with my dad and I couldn't even get through Sunday school.
I am tired of everyone saying it will all work out. Please tell me how, how do you know that when I don't? How will it work out when the problems are just being avoided?
I really dint know how I am getting through the holidays. I keep saying and everyone says you will be ok or just I am sorry your going through this, I will pray for you, no one can tell me how do I take the next step,what is the next step.
And god help me what are the rules if this no contact, time and space thing!
Married 6/1/96 Separated 11/10/14 at his request One 13yr old daughter One child in heaven
I don't how ti do this no contact thing. That is basically what he is asking for. Time and space ti work on him, and I am supposed to do the same.
I just don't where to begin. Well I do know some things just having a hard time getting all of these questions out of my mind.
How long will this last?
Our DD is with him and basically doing same thing. Time and space , leave her alone.
Why all the anger directed at me? They say they are not angry except when they feel I am not giving them their time and space.
They say all I am thinking is about me. I think it's opposite I am thinking about us, they are thinking about themselves and don't care about my hurt.
I feel invisible here.
I went to church with my dad and I couldn't even get through Sunday school.
I am tired of everyone saying it will all work out. Please tell me how, how do you know that when I don't? How will it work out when the problems are just being avoided?
I really dint know how I am getting through the holidays. I keep saying and everyone says you will be ok or just I am sorry your going through this, I will pray for you, no one can tell me how do I take the next step,what is the next step.
And god help me what are the rules if this no contact, time and space thing!
Married 6/1/96 Separated 11/10/14 at his request One 13yr old daughter One child in heaven
The no contact thing is about you not initiating calls, emails, texts, etc. Wait for him to make that move every time. Yes, you can do it. You may not want to, but you can. If he doesn't contact you, it means he doesn't want to be with you, nor hear from you. He needs space from you. He needs to feel like he can breathe without you smothering him, nagging, or being another mother.
Btw, I relate to what you said about him not telling you anything, but always he tells MIL everything. My H would go see his mother immediately after he left work every day before he came home to me and the kids.
And don't use your child as your excuse to talk to him. Btw, why does she not want to be with you?
Why did you have an A with your EX?
We need more information about the issues that led to this breakdown in the M.
DBing begins with you. You have to change. May not be what you want to hear, but that is a very big part of it. You can't point fingers and blame him, or focus on what he does. Focus on yourself and how to improve in all ways.
Don't FB stalk him. Don't talk about him on FB. Don't try to sway others to be on your side.
I hope you will not just read DR, but digest it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok yes 2 1/2 years ago, I was depressed. An opportunity arose to reconnect to an old ex. Like years before this marriage. Not in love with him just wanted to escape my life and my depression. Problems in our marriage then are prretty much same as they have been last several months.
He had his time and space then. He forgave and came back. In fact he never brought it up again. Actually, I carried the guilt I couldn't believe he forgave me when I couldn't forgive myself. I almost really believed he didn't come back for me but to avoid the hurt of going through with split. But I couldn't bring myself to ask.
Ok next in the last year I have had a tough time with employment. I left a job of 2 plus years a job with basically no benefit time not 40 hrs a week to a job that was 40 hrs a week with paid holidays and vacations. However, there was a quota of work completed and although my quality was excellent and I was improving in quantity I was let go. I took a seasonal position with Lifetouch to do school photography, at end of season I was unemployed again. I have never had a problem getting hired but now I was not even getting called for interview. On jan 1 my enempoyment ran out - actually I was on extended and congress never passed bill to continue it. I had no money coming in jan February March and April. In February. My cc called for payment, he was there with me as I explained situation and they said I could get caught up with a certain amount for payment- no response from him. He said tell them you cannot do it right now.
All I can say is that was a moment for me. We have separate accts I had always given him most if not all of my check and he paid bills, gave some for gas etc. so when I started working in May I didn't give over my paycheck I asked several times that we sit down and go over the bills, never happened. I was only part time at a local campground, I paid for my gas, some groceries and other household things as needed. Still no discussion of bills. Actually recently we had been talking about moving he said well I don't know if we can do that amount, I said again we just need to sit down and go over things, no response, never happened.
A computer was purchased this past summer, we went to Kentucky in July for. A national pageant for my daughter, a lot of money went into that.
He has know through all this time I wasn't working that I wanted a good camera to start doing my own photography business. I became a little resentfull of what was being purchased and spent for their passions and mine was nothing. So there was bitterness in my attitude at times yes and sometimes I tried to change my attitude and approach but I was met with bitterness from him. So the cycle kept going.
Faith. She is 13 typical teen. Daddy's girl. She blames me I am not for all of what yet as really she is not telling me anything, he keeps saying give her time and space too. Not use her as an excuse to talk to him? We have to communicate about stuff about her or she will play us against each other. So we need to communicate about her.
I am trying to do the space thing but I just don't get it, because he beat me to the punch and said I am not happy get out and give me space he gets to decide how this is done ?
Married 6/1/96 Separated 11/10/14 at his request One 13yr old daughter One child in heaven
