What an awesome ending that one had.... Smack talkin' vets . Heehee!
I saw my doctor today. The same one H saw three weeks ago, before the vasectomy.... Interesting convo.
I filled doc in on a few of the strange little oddities that have occurred.... He is thoroughly confused. He said he has dealt with many in crisis before, but none have done and said the things my H has, and yet, he has not filed for D. Doc said that's a first in his experience..... Again, winner-winner-chicken-dinner.
He believes H has not felt the loss of me yet. (DOH!!! .....ouch. I know. Where have I heard that before?). And when he does? Well, who knows. He also believes I may likely move on before H can get his chit together.
Nothing I haven't heard TWENTY MILLION TIMES here..... But, still good to have doc validate it all. He is definitely intrigued.
I'm good. I'm sooooo good. I'm feeling more like I'll be ok, no matter what. I have said this before. I have felt this before.
It's this never-ending peeling of layers.....every time I feel like, "oh, I got it now." Then there is another layer, and I'm like, " oh....NOW I got it. I thought I did before, but now I really do." Then, another layer happens. "Ahh. See, when I thought I got it before, I kinda did, but not like THIS!"
Here's the thing. They are all "got it's". They are perfect for whatever level I'm ready to handle. And when I can handle more, another layer peels away.
It's that whole process thing. I believe it's called, "Life."
Wow ... yeah .. I am completely peeling onions too ... I have mastered detachment atleast 100 times .. pffft-not. I totally get it though and you are right, you understand these things in layers and stages, no way can you understand stage 8 till you go through 1-7 ... it sounds insane but even that makes sense with this MLC 101 class we all were forced to take.
Like yours .. mine has not filed for D either, and I have long stopped scratching my head on that one... like you she has not felt the fear of losing me either ... that whole paved smooth to home thing .. I buffed that puppy to a polish, she could ice skate home if she wanted..lol
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
What is up with you??????? Where are you???? Working and enjoying life or something? Word up. I heard "The Best of You" this morning by Foo Fighters. One of my faves. Last year, that song was like totally kicking my @ss. I told xh, the wkend before he left that I promised he'd get the best of me. That song... ugh...
Anyway, I heard it this morning and thought of YOU not xh. Go Dave Grohl. (You wouldn't believe the name reference...)
I'm here....feeling a bit introspective, although I'm not "down." Not in the least.
So. My new job. I have an office thingy, right? Yeah. And it's this newly constructed building, and everyone's offices are new. They're all excited, and have their spaces decorated and such.
My office has been naked for weeks. I mean......buck freaking naked. My desk, my chair, my computer, my printer. Naked white walls. OH! And bad lighting. Ladies, we KNOW how important that is.
What seemed, at first, like a superficial "project", actually became more telling of my current state than I would have guessed.
I felt a little ashamed. None of my personality was in my space. Why was that?
I thought I was ok with it....but not really. I lied to myself to not worry about it. People came by and commented. "When are you going to bring in pictures? We can't wait to see how you decorate your office!"
SO...remember the movie, Devil's Advocate, when Charlize Theron's character keeps painting different colors in their condo? Pressured by the other wives?? Eww. I started feeling like THAT.
Ok, yes. It was peer pressure. It was their issue with my space, not mine. They were uncomfortable with my naked walls, not me.
Or was I? Because I love decorating. I didn't love my barren office.
So which is it? Am I rebelling to prove they're not the boss of me? Or was it something else?
*****sigh*****
Fear. Dang it. Fear fear fear fn fear.
I put some kind of ridiculous self inflicted pressure on this project. So, as silly as this may sound.... I HAD TO DIG TO FIGURE OUT WHY I WAS DOING THIS TO MYSELF.
Here's what I came up with.:
1. (Dangerous word ahead) COMPARING my space to others, I felt protective of my personal life. I didn't want to display pics without a H. Nor would I display any with H. So.....I opted out.
2. The things people displayed in their offices were things they're proud of from their lives or their talents or their past. Military stuff, artwork they created, plants and flowers, zen garden-looking spaces.... My life and talent and history and background are not visually fitting, or appropriate to display. No....I was not a stripper or anything. The "display able" stuff would just not work. Not here. It would come off as show-offy. It was a reminder of old head-trash..."I don't fit in."
3. I was afraid of opening up and showing parts of me. It felt too intimate. Too vulnerable. I didn't want to be judged.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ IT'S A FREAKING OFFICE, SHINING. NOT A R. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Ok, then I got over myself. Because reality.
That ain't who I want to be. It's not who I was. Time to figure this out and be me. Because I deserve it. I'm worthy of an office that welcomes me each day. It's mine. No rules. I could do whatever I want. Change the perspective, Shining! You GET TO make this your own!!! Whoop whoop!!!! Own it!!!
So, once I identified my hesitation, what was holding me back, I had to leap. And I took one he!! of a leap!!!!
If you must know.....Craigslist has long been a designer in my home.
I enlisted his help again, and found some really fun, nice looking stuff I could afford. Pinterest helped a lil, too. Then, I went shopping in my storage garage. Found treasures. Who knew? I went crazy. Well, as crazy as one can go on a budget of around $14. (Or something close to that). It looks awesome.
Not only that......it FEELS awesome. It's mine. It makes me happy to walk in everyday.
The girls in the office were saying some really nice things about it, too! AND SO DID MY BOSS, LOL!!! I loved it regardless of their opinions.....but, yeah....I'll take the validation. Gladly.
So I smile when I come in. Not only because I love my job, and I love the people there.....but because my office is a reminder of my power to be me. It's a reminder that I still have head-trash to overcome, and that will be a life-long process. And a reminder that I CAN DO IT.
It was also a HUGE reminder, that when I take brave leaps, I tend to end up happier than I would have thought. And THEN I wonder why I waited so long.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Ok....quick update on Wacko Von Cracko.....H has been sending many many texts this week. I respond minimally, because I'm ok with status quo and not seeing him.
Today, I received a picture of his feet on his bathroom scale....he was pointing out his weightloss, as if to say, "Look, mom!"
Oh man, my friend, am I smiling big over here. That was just freakin awesome. Good on you for working through that. I had not one doubt you could do it. Not one.
And yea...that head noise..each leap you take, makes it smaller and smaller.
I am so honored to be able to watch your journey, S. And especially honored to be able to call you friend.
T....yeppers!!! I wanted a lamp on my desk, for when the fluorescent lights bug me... My lamp is younger Shining. It's even shiny. Girly. Classy-girly, tho...not middle-school locker decorating girly. And my happy lights in the corner. My happy lights are branch looking things with lights on them. I keep them in my home, year round. They are so pretty, and they remind me to feel happy. And, because no one can tell me no.
I let younger Shining do my cute accent chair. And my jar of Hershey's kisses. I work with an oil and gas company, so I displayed my pink hardhat from a previous job. On one of my shelves...heeeheee .
Pics of my kiddos are on the walls, along with other great-finds.
I love it, Shining. That's so good you did it your way. What you said... great expression. I totally feel it. I love it when someone can capture these crazy thoughts/emotions that some of us can have. We can relate on different levels.
Good for you. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by things like that I'm just not sure what direction to take (like my house reno's). People push and say what I should do about them.. I'm like, Really??!! OK, well, I will do what I want, when I want (oh geeze, maybe s17 is rubbing off on me).
I feel you, Shining. It is like hard to do something like that when you are trying to establish so much more. You did it! and on a $14 budget (my kind of girl!) and I am so sure it looks totally amazing!
Hey Shining, you're in oil and gas as well? Sounds like a great place. Oh, by the way, I am looking for a new job, they don't need one of the world's best oil and NG sales experts in the known universe would they? (lol). I think it's great that you found a group that you fit in with so well. It's so important. I'm hoping to find the same in wherever I find myself. I also understand the office decorating thing. I never did make my last office my own because of my uncertainty about my M!
You are sounding stronger every day! Keep moving forward. Who knows, maybe I'll run into my old friend that knows Dave G. again and I'll be sure to tell him about Shining!
Matt, if I hear anything.... I'll be sure and let you know!
I need to get this out. I don't want to. I need to. Spinning again, but I'm ok.
I spoke with xh for 7 hours and 16 minutes on the phone yesterday.
For anyone who hasn't followed my whole sitch... xh is the father of my kids. We were M for 15 years.
My current H is the MLCer.
Xh recently had his own "awakening" as it turns out. Over the past 5-7 years or so, while the kids and I lived in a different state, he has done some major self work.
Our first discussion, when our S18 shipped out, was a 3 hour talk in my car. This was when he admitted to everything he had done to us. There are 5 types of abuse. He committed 4 of them.
During that talk, he apologized over and over. He said the best thing was for us to move away and heal. He said he was proud of me and he kids for how great we are doing. He also told me I could not have become the wife he thought I needed to be, because it was not humanly possible. And he apologized for controlling and suffocating us out of his fear of abandonment.
So....
Yesterday, we started by talking about travel arrangements for he kids, holiday schedule, etc. Then I caught him up on the kids, and what they're doing. Then it turned to R talk.
More came out about the past. I don't really know how to sort this out. So I'm laying it out here. Where my friends are:).
He went into more detail about his mindset at the time, and how he can't believe he did what he did. He was very sincere, and matter-of-fact.
He said he acted on emotions, but he now knows it was not based on fact. He had to learn to recognize what is truth and what is his imagination/assumption.
When we were together, we lived in an absolutely gorgeous, big, old house that was renovated. It was on a large wooded lot. I loved that house.
During our S, initially, I was cut off from our bank account. He refused to move out. I would not leave the kids, but I couldn't afford a place for myself and the 4 kids, since our judge refused to issue temporary orders for child support.
We had an in-house S. He would not leave the master bedroom. I was essentially banished to the basement. I lived there for 1 1/2 to 2 years, I think... A lot of this is a blur of memories I never wanted to revisit.
Back then, my attorney told me not to move out. That I would probably be awarded the house if I stayed.
But, I didn't want the house. I told my xh yesterday, why I couldn't stay, and why I didn't want it.
During that time, xh was psychologically vicious. For a few examples, my belongings were taken, randomly, while I was at work, and locked away in a closet in his room. He took whatever things he could, so I would have to buy them again, like contact lenses....so I would run out of what little money I had. Keeping me dependent on him, and keeping me in the house.
He hid recorders and cameras in the basement. He cut off the phone and internet connections to the house. He closed the vents to the basement, so it would be freezing cold down there when I returned from work. He removed newly replaced, working light bulbs from the recessed fixtures, and replaced them with burnt out ones. So I would have to buy more.
He rummaged through my things daily. I caught him lurking behind me watching me through the window.
He buried things in the yard. My wedding ring disappeared.
He even called the police on me, telling them a I made threats toward him. He looked at me, squarely in my eyes as he made this call. He calmly described to the dispatcher, an entire story that never happened. The police came out. He knew he officers personally. It was a living nightmare.
Needless to say, I was a paranoid mess.
I suffered from extreme anxiety. My hair was falling out, I temporarily lost the hearing in my left ear, and more physical stuff.
Here's what I told xh yesterday:
After trial ended, I knew the judge had 90 days to decide. I could go into debt for 90 days. I secured a townhouse in the school district, and in one day, my mother and I emptied the house of the furniture the kids and I would need. I picked the kids up after school, and surprised them. (H came home to a pretty empty house.)
I told him, that it must have been a shock to come home to that. Especially with his abandonment issues.
I felt I needed to explain, that I didn't do that as an act of spite. I truly did it to survive. I told him that I didn't think he would be agreeable to letting me take furniture or anything I may need. And I felt I had to do it this way or I wouldn't have anything.
Xh told me I was right. He said he would have fought me tooth and nail, and there would be lawyers, and orders, and yep. He said he never would have agreed to that, no matter what I asked. He said he was not capable of a mature, rational conversation, even if it meant it was best for the kids. Nope.
He thanked me for explaining that to him. He thought it was out of spite for years. He said it makes sense now. He apologized for putting me through that. He empathized. He couldn't imagine how difficult it was for me and my mother to move everything.
I told him I knew I would get the house if I wanted, but I didn't want it. I told him I was fearful that he would always consider that "his" property, and that he would stalk us there.
He again said, yep. I was right. He said he was so driven by his misperceptions, that he would have done all those things I feared. He said he would have gone into the house if it was mine. He would have continued to stalk us. He said if we had lived in his state, he would have been watching my every move.
He then told me he spent over 70k on attorney fees. And ended up with exactly what I was asking in the beginning.
He also told me after it was all over, and we moved on, he hit his rock bottom. He woke up everyday for a good 6 months wanting to end his life. He would wake up each day saying to himself, "if it hurts this bad tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow." And bought himself time.
I told him I had feared for years, (deep breath..... this was difficult) that he would never let us out. That we would never be free from him. That he would possibly snap and take our lives ....and his own.
He said, "I know, Shining. I know." He admitted he had thought about it.
He apologized after every topic. He said he absolutely killed our M and our family. He said he will regret what he did forever, but he has to forgive himself, and find his own way to be happy.
He said he didn't believe me when I told him that if he let us go, and heal, that the kids will come back to him. He said, "you told me this in the beginning. And they did." And he was crying.
He said I was the love of his life. That he had the most beautiful W, who was, smart and gregarious, and fun-loving. And he wanted that only for himself, and no one else. So he would berate me in public for having fun, smiling, and laughing. So I would learn to behave and be quiet.
He said he was afraid if anyone else saw what he had, that they might take it away from him. He was so afraid of losing me. He said it sounds crazy, he knows. But that's how he felt. And that's how he acted.
Oh wow, Shining. I don't know what or if there is anything to say. Glad you had the conversation with your xh as it sounds like one that needed to happen.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thank you, GB. It's like re-braking a misaligned bone so it can heal properly.
It hurts like he!! To revisit those years, but I feel like it is needed if it's going to heal.
The R with him and the kids is not perfect. They are still guarded. Although, they were not imagining a R with him at all 5 years ago.
It's one of those bigger-picture things. The stuff we can't see, years down the road. When these horrible thing happen to us. And we can't imagine what good can come of this. I was the WAW. All sitches are different, but Xh now sees the best thing happened, even though it meant he lost us. Because the kids are thriving now. They were failing miserably in school and their self esteem was non-existent. Now they're straight A, funny, loving, outgoing, have lots of friends....happy kiddos. Even in current sitch. They're making it.
For him to acknowledge, that the best thing happened by leaving him? That takes cojones.
Wow, Shining, Those years must have been a living he!! Almost sounds like a Lifetime movie event. You really had to be strong, I don't see you as a WAW, to me you HAD to get away from that sitch, just to survive! It must have been so hard for him to admit to all he did. Talk about insecure, he must have had a really hard childhood.
The things you learned back then will serve you well in your current sitch, for sure. Doesn't seem fair that you have had to go through a MLC S now after all you survived back then. I hope your EX can have a good life now. Seems like he grew up over the years. Maybe now he can begin to be a father to his kids. They can learn much from him about recognizing your demons and becoming a better person...it's never too late until your no longer around!
Thank you so much, Matt! You're exactly right. It's never too late.
I don't talk about those years to anyone. I hadn't shared much here until xh kinda did his wake-up announcement.
I never wanted to "live" there. I didn't feel like a victim, and talking about it would make me feel that, I thought. I also thought I moved past it and got strong, and confident.
I was confident when I met H. It surprised me how quickly I fell back into old patterns.... Clearly I have more work to do!
It truly is the best thing for the kids. They saw how bad it was. I can use this example in our current sitch with h.... One never knows what can happen over time. Things can and do change. Not always like this..... But never give up hope.
7 + hours on the phone. Wow. Shining, it must feel so different, IDK. My first xh never apologized for his behavior, so I don’t know how it feels. I actually don’t even want his apologies. I’m was past that. I know he never was a good father to my son, and he never will be. He just has this narcissistic personality.
But, what a story and all this you went thought! And what a change in your xh!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
That's quite a long mea culpa! So glad that you are hearing this from him and even though I know it sometimes stirs things up for you- processing through it can only help your healing in the long run.
I loved the office decorating story! Wish we could post pics on here- I'd love to see it.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Reading what you went through made my heart break, but my first thought was, yes, no wonder she is so strong and amazing.
I know you were before, as your xh is now acknowledging it, but I think it has made you even better. It is terrible for you to have to endure this, especially with everything else, but you are truly amazing.
Seriously. I have endless amounts of respect for you.
Times like this, after reading something like what you have been through in the past ... and now what you are going through currently I often think to myself.... Why must good people be put through such things? What is the point, why the lesson, I just do not understand it but what I do realize is it seems the people who go through these things are taught how much stronger they really are, more than they ever would have imagined. Look back at your story Shinning ... you survived THAT, what you are dealing with now you too will overcome and be stronger for it. Maybe thats the whole point of this ... to strengthen us for the future
Thank you for the support. I sure needed it. Uffda.
This week has been weird. I feel a shift. I don't know what it is. Things are different. Not bad, just different. I'm being still.
I cried a bunch.
Laughed with my kids.
Went to my first "real" wine tasting with a new friend and had a terrific time.
Scheduled a brunch for Sunday with another great friend.
Another S18 moves out of state in one week.
S16 got his first gf.
D13 is learning how to DB away from the drama of her middle school friends.
Xh fiancé (very insecure, poor thing) thinks xh wants to get back together with me. They are now fighting almost daily. She says she is threatened by the bond we have of the kids. I don't know what xh has said to her. If she only knew my head and my heart. She would not worry.
MLC H is still reaching out to me quite often. I sense he is merely testing the waters, and wondering whether I have moved on. Nothing of any real value. He has been more positive and complimentary lately. Then it's sometimes followed with a resentment kind of thing. Like, "hmmm.... You never did that when we were together." That.
He told me his Thanksgiving plans. His dad and SM will be at her kids' on Thanksgiving, so their side of the family dinner will be Sunday. He asked what the kids and I are doing Thursday. He wanted to know if I had plans in the evening, and would I like to "stop by" sometime, maybe after the football game. I said I would see how our day goes, and yes, I would like to.
I will probably have many of you here telling me I should have said no. I know. I don't want to say no. I want to go. I want to see him.
Here's the thing: I truly don't expect my M to reconcile. I don't expect H to wake up anytime soon. I fully accept that this mess will most likely end in D.
However, I'm in a good place with myself, my job, my kids, my life. Every interaction H and I have had recently has been short, and positive.
I would like to keep things in limbo for now. I need to buy time, financially. If he D me, I will struggle with health benefits and other stuff I would rather not...at least until I establish myself in my new job, and hopefully increase my salary. Since I don't depend on H for child support, I am financially better off waiting it out for now. I hope that doesn't sound cold.... I am better able to care for myself and my kids this way. I am doing what I feel I need to do.
In other news.....I'm being pursued and somewhat stalked on fb messenger by an old HS acquaintance ... It will go nowhere. I mean, who does that???? I'm not interested. And he knows this. He does not live in my state, anyway. That didn't stop him from promising me a huge house designed by him, new car, boat, and the moon.....it doesn't make any sense. Desperate? Delusional? Newly D is all I know....
For the record, I would live in a tent, or a refrigerator box, if it were with a loving, fully integrated man that I love.
Oh! And....I'm pretty sure this character is in his own MLC right now!! Wtf? Gross.
Take the new car!!! I'm kidding. You sound great, Shining. You ultimately have to do what you think is best and the chips fall where they may.
I just did the roger rabbit AND a moonwalk in your honor. :-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Haha, GB. Take the car??? ..I KNOW, RIGHT?? It's crazy. I feel cursed. I've become an MLC magnet.
Soooo..... I just got home from what turned out to be a short coffee date with H.
Same-ol same-ol.
Although, this time, nothing was terribly crazy. I was nervous because our meetings typically involve money or mail exchange. I was sure there was a selfish reason H wanted to meet with me. Yeah. Of course.
At first, he said wanted to spend the evening with me. Well, as the time came closer....you probably guessed.... He became less interested in seeing me, and he kept coming up with reasons it had to be kept short. It went from all day (which I couldn't do) to evening, to a late dinner, then just coffee. AND he had to leave early because he was "taking care of someone's dogs". Yeah.... I offered him an "out" and said I'm fine rescheduling. Surprisingly, didn't take that offer.
Mindreading Alert:
Best guess? A few days ago, H thought about the evening and was not wanting to be alone on TG. And then after setting things up with me, he got a better offer. Well, not better, but you know....to his crazy a$$.
The visit was rather uneventful for the most part. Odd...
He is having a lot of medical issues. He seems scared. I say this because he is frustrated with docs,mtreatments, ailments...the communication is bad, they're having him do unnecessary tests, extra visits "just so they get that copay"... Yada yada...
He just can't seem to find relief. His skin, his vision, his muscles, his back. This medication, that ointment, those drops...You would think he was an old man.
He told me about a conversation with one of the nurses who "didn't call him back with his test results". He said he was frustrated that he had to call them because he is suffering. He feels worse than he ever has. I wanted to fix...because that's who I am. But I didn't. I can't. All I could do was listen.
He hasn't made any progress, still deep in the tunnel. I didn't expect anything different.
I am different this time. I was prepared for crazy. I talked myself into accepting the situation, as it is. Accepting this visit, this moment, for exactly as it presents tonight. Accepting H for who he is today. Zero expectations.
That worked well.
I feel more detached tonight. I'm a little numb, with everything going on with holidays and oldest sons being out of the nest. My emotions are just floating.
I have been thinking a lot about moving on. I'm not ready. I'm no where near date-able. I could see myself getting there, though, if I choose.
I'm going to fight the store-madness tomorrow morning, just to get out. I made plans with D13 and friends and their moms Saturday night, girl party. Sunday I have brunch with a good friend. And my SIL wants to catch up, too. Keeping busy.
I'm just so tired. And I miss being M. I miss having a partner to snuggle and talk to.
And I miss the friggin trust. A$$hat.
I still want that partner thing again someday. One day at a time. Focus is still on me.
Things are chill........ Status quo isn't always a bad thing.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE ON THIS WONDERFUL BOARD!!! I'm so thankful for you all.
Hey, I say if you want to go to football, do t let anything stop ya! You do you. And don't feel badly about it. Nobody here is walking in your shoes and knows everything about your sitch. But everyone here wants the best for shining. So if shining wants to go and feels confident and comfortable. Then we support it. Uh, well, I guess I shouldn't type for others . I do, but everyone e wants you to be happy. That's it! Because you deserve it. You deserve the best. And a car on the side.
Wow Shining .. handled as well as one could in my opinion. Reading and thinking aloud .. the "fix-it" issue ... it just hit me, I wonder if we do this more for us than it ever was for them ya know? I realized today I could have so easily helped her ... and I caught myself and it felt so strange, like an out of body experience .. almost laughed and THAT would have been the worst emotion to show at such an awkward time ... waling to the car I chuckled to myself that the MLC crazy could be contagious at times .. me laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. The MLCrs all distraught they are alone .. conveniently forgetting it was their choice.
Anyways, you are so strong, you have this ... happy to see you grow.
Thank you, Cali and Mighty. I'm trying very hard to move forward. Tough chit, this is.
I came across this snippet about letting go the other day. It didn't list the author, however.
Letting Go
To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't winning, and it isn't losing. It's not about pride, and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It's having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It's learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will have soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It's realizing that sometimes the heart can be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and to set you free.
I'm having many internal "chats" with myself. Remembering that during this holiday season, all the changes in my household with my sons growing up and moving out.... That it's all ok. It is all, truly, ok.
I'm trying to let go of the life I wanted and expected, and embrace the life I have today. It is all any of us really have.
I was talking to the kids today. My oldest was talking about his father (xh) and the changes and realizations in him. The fact that he said the best thing we could do was move out of state. Xh also gave a ton of credit to H for being a great dad to them.
So my son said it's possible that H was only put into our lives for the years we had, to get where we all are today.
I agreed. Very possible.
Then D13 asked if I had known that everything would happen the way it did, would I have still done everything the same way?
Ayep. Without a doubt.
^^^^^^^ That's how they taught me, and reminded me what I am grateful for today.
Shining, what incredible kids you have. Im not surprised..look at their mom.
I hope you know what a gift it is for you to be able to say you hwould do it all the same.
So, my friend, I thought that I would let the holiday pass before I started to remind you about you wanting to get yourself a plan...yea, I know, darn UR, doesnt forget a thing. LOL!
S, I always tell you that you dont have to decide anything today. I know that you are missing being married a lot and missing all that goes with that. It's hard.
I tried not to get too far ahead of myself. Not that I didnt wonder about the future from time to time, because I did. But, I worked at not worrying about when or if I was not going to stand or when I was going to date if I stopped.
I just tried to live each day and do the work. I kind of let it all unfold the way it was meant to. I found that when I started to worry about it all, it set me back some.
You have a lot of stuff coming up. Your boy coming home, your other son leaving, the first holidays apart from your h.
Im thinking you dont need to think too far passed all that for now, ya know?
I hope your Thanksgiving was a good one.
I wanted to tell you that I am so thankful to be able to call you friend.
Shining wow- what amazing kids you have! And as UR says- of course- look at their mom. Sounds like you did great handling H. I find that when they are acting like a$&hats it sometimes makes it easier to detach.
By the way- I did not realize you lived in the lone star state! I somehow missed that and saw it on Mighty's thread. So....... Me too. Maybe we can get together sometime- though I'm not sure how we contact each other if we can't put our email on here???
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Bright, and Gwen, I agree! I need that "letting go" reminder everyday.
I am learning to put less pressure on myself to "get there". I'm learning that letting go, detaching, and obviously grieving, are all processes. They are not necessarily going to ever become completed, as a task would. They simply evolve over time, in layers.
I've noticed that when I consciously try to accept where I am today, even the emotional stuff, it tends to bring me some feeling of peace. It's as if I have permission from myself. And I forgive myself for not being where I want to be yet. It's a much kinder way to talk to me.
Some hot little bat-swinging, Brooklyn ball of wisdom taught me that....because APPARENTLY I wasn't so gentle with myself, especially in the beginning.
uR, I agree about my kids. I have been saying, that if during my lifetime, I get only one thing right in this world....I look at the way my kids are turning out. I got the most important one right.
I do want to make a plan for the holidays. Thanksgiving was a dry-run kind of scary reminder that I am headed for some painful days if I have no plans in place. I've been tossing ideas around in my head.... And now my head hurts.
I currently have exactly zero great ideas of things to do for myself on the 24th and 25th. And hey....It's up from the negative number it once was.
I know uR, you see me often getting ahead of myself. I am trying not to and wow is it a challenge! I'm noticing how easily I fall into that habit. And then there are times I don't notice....at least not until I trip on it later.
With my sitch, I naturally imagine different outcomes, and I'm trying to be open to whatever my life brings me. I can be completely full of hot air when I lie to myself and even entertain the idea a future with someone else. Who am I even kidding? I know it isn't in my near future. It's not where my heart is. I can fool myself for, oh..... 5 minutes or so. Long enough to post the stories I tell myself, and not be able to edit them out after I return to my senses.
I sometimes have to "try it on", sort of... See how my conscience responds. Yeah, no. That was easy. Or.....not easy. Idk. It just is.
I still love my H. I miss that man. I don't know if he will ever be that guy again. I can't control it either way. I never have to stop loving him.
There is a part of me that often smiles....just knowing he is still alive. Because last February, he may not have been. But he is. And because of this, I know there is still hope.
And this may seem weird to some, that I recently find myself smiling, knowing he is on his own journey.
And regardless of me, it is a rather beautiful thing to watch.
I'm sure that sounds strange. I see him. I see his heart trying to get where he wants to be. His way is not my way. And it doesn't have to be.
I can love him for exactly who he is. That doesn't have to pertain to our M. I love him for being a man who gave me and my kids everything he had, until he simply could not.
Idk if that even makes sense to anyone because as I go back and read this, I'm not sure why it even makes sense to me.
More shout-outs:
Thank you, daring! You and uR gave me the biggest compliment about being my kids' mom.
Yep, I'm here in the land of Chuck Norris . And....Barney, as it turns out...heeeheee.
I haven't shared my location much here...I didn't know how the privacy thing worked, and I wanted to have the confidence that no one close to me is reading.
Now I care a lot less what people know. I am who I am. What happened, happened. Eh. If someone wants to know badly enough, what is going on in my life, that says a lot about them!! Sadly.
I'm in north suburbs of big D. Where are you? I'd love to get together!!
Sharing personal info on the boards is frowned upon, from what I have read. Meeting can still be done, though:).
Time to play some tunes, dance around my apartment like a weirdo, and (sniff sniff....ew). Wash my dog.
My friend, I love the way you write. I love what you have to say. What a generous heart you have to feel as you do about your h.
As much as my xh has done to me, I still wish happiness for him. When I see him and I look at his face, I still see sadness and discontent. I wish so much that he finds peace. Everyone deserves that. I understand completely how you feel about your h.
I so wish you lived closer so we could hang on the 24th and the 25th. My sister comes to my house on Christmas eve and my son is with us. He goes to see his dad on the Christmas day. I could go back with my sister and sleep over. But as her kids are young, I think its important that they spend the day together...just them.
So, I will probably be by myself on Christmas day. I was last year. I woke up late and took a hot bath. I rented a movie and made a special meal. I volunteered at a soup kitchen. It was actually pretty peaceful and nice.
I know its hard for you right now...I so wish it wasnt.
Shining, your post is beautiful. I totally understand your love for your H. I also still love the man I married. In fact, all of this has made me realize that my love for him is much deeper and profound than I imagined. And UR I also understand your wish for peace for your H. It is sad to think all of this destruction in their quest only to think they never achieve that peace in their lives.
It is hard for people to understand who haven't dealt with this extreme behavior. Society just wants everyone to move on and be happy on your own. It just doesn't work that way.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Shining too funny! Nice of you to help out God and all
I know how you feel about not wanting people to know. That shame hits hard in the beginning. But the more I begin to love myself and realize this is not my doing I'm like you- says more about others who are stalking us than anyone else!
I'm just north of Austin- meeting up could definitely be accomplished over a weekend! between the two cities there's plenty to do!
I'm beginning to feel more compassion for my H as well. The anger and crazies are less often. Hopefully that means our journey is progressing.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
You all said I would probably feel this. I said, "oh? I don't feel mad. I'm hardly ever mad."
That is true. Not now.
To qualify..... This isn't rage. This is: How. Fn. Dare you.
I haven't heard from H today. Yesterday, he sent a text reminding me to take steps to get my car refinanced and in my name.
My payments could be lower. That would be good.
I'm just mad.
Warning: déjà Vu. I'm pretty sure I've complained about this before.
His actions forever changed the holidays. His actions created financial difficulties and placed big burdens on me that I wouldn't have otherwise. He broke my heart, and it keeps breaking over and over. And he doesn't want me. And I'm suffering. And it's Christmas time. And my kids are gone. And I'm mad.
I can do many things to take control of how this feels.
Yeah shinning we do get the whole déjà vu thing, it's the whole hamster wheel.
I feel on the wheel at times but with a dead hamster. Nothing's turning. Then I see things like dr phill the other day and see a sobbing woman on there and I see me 12 months ago her words her thoughts and I realise how far far far I have come.
I might not sound like it in the threads but I saw it then held up in my face I had that big uh huh moment. Inch by inch it changes.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Hey my friend. I am so sorry you are suffering. Really and truly.
Yea, that anger creeps up on you. I found when it did for me...it was right before I was ready to take a leap.
You know how when you were a kid and there was this big puddle you wanted to jump over? You had to back up to get a running start.
This anger is kinda like that.
It has a purpose. You just dont see it fully yet. And also, it succks what you have and are dealing with. It just does. You have had so many changes in so short a time, of course you are angry.
So, you gotta feel it before you can let it go. Get good and mad. Punch something. Throw something. Scream. Get it out.
Then use it, sweetie, to propel you forward.
I know you will...I also know that you will when you are ready and not a moment before. .
One day you will look back on this time and be amazed at how much you grew.
I got your back. Always. Hope you know that. If you need it, I have someone with a BMW you could use as a punching bag cuz Im generous that way. Hee hee.
Gg, that is so true. We have come a long way, haven't we?? Inch by inch is right. We don't see the changes daily, but over time it finally shows.
uR, I'm not sure what is happening, but it feels like there is some bubbling under the surface....anger brewing or something. It's dark.
Here's the internal dialog: (old and familiar)
I deserve so much better than this. How could he? What the f is wrong with him? And how can he do this to the kids? We left everyone and everything we knew in another state. Now my kids are deeply rooted here, and he just changed his mind about M? Leaving me out here away from all I knew, and now with no family or old friends nearby.
I'm mad because we had everything. I'm mad I can't just walk away without feeling bad for him. I'm mad because he promised to care for my heart and love me forever.
Most of all.....
I'm mad because I believed him.
The BMW punching bag.... Just give me the license plate.... I'm so there.
I deserve so much better than this. Yes you do. Don't settle for less.
How could he? He's not right, obviously - healthy people don't attempt suicide.
What the f is wrong with him? See above.
And how can he do this to the kids? See above
We left everyone and everything we knew in another state. Now my kids are deeply rooted here, and he just changed his mind about M? Leaving me out here away from all I knew, and now with no family or old friends nearby. You made that choice. Maybe once the kids are grown you can move back to where YOU want to live - but for now, work on building new friendships and ties yourself.
I'm mad because we had everything. And you will have everything again, on your own, with a new guy, or with him. Get out of your scarcity mindset.
I'm mad I can't just walk away without feeling bad for him. Yup - unconditional love can be a biatch. It's ok to feel bad for him, but not okay to take responsibility for his life when he has booted you out of it. I still feel bad for my ex, who I do think suffers from some degree of brain problems - but he made his choices, I did my best to prevent it, and now he has the life he has made - I hope it works for him, but it's definitely not my responsibility anymore.
I'm mad because he promised to care for my heart and love me forever. He meant it when he promised it - he just wasn't capable of keeping that promise. Oddly, now that I've come out the other end of this - I no longer fear that happening again. Maybe because I no longer feel like I HAVE to have that. If my current boyfriend Mr. Keeper is able to do that - great. If not - well, I've learned that single life has its good points also!
Most of all.....
I'm mad because I believed him. Because you needed the validation and the safety after your trainwreck of a first marriage. But now you're stronger and able to stand on your own two feet. Relish that.
Thats the hardest part..isnt it? The believing him part.
It's like someone changed all the rules you knew by heart and that isnt fair, right?
You know, when you think about all that you wrote...it kind of solidifies that MLC is real, ya know?
Because you werent wrong for believing him. You did because of who he was. He really was that person.
Then he broke. He broke because of all his stuff. He had no idea that was going to happen.
So when he was that man and you believed in him...he believed in it, too.
Doesnt mean you still cant be mad about the situation because you can.
But I found that after I realized that being angry was not going to change it, and that my xh didnt care if I was angry and that it was changing me....I was able to let it go.
I know you know that its a process. You are exactly where you are supposed to be in this.
This is another layer, S. Another thing you have to think through.
kml, holy bullseye. Yep. All of that is right. Especially the way I wanted the validation and safety after the train wreck of M#1. You and your "keeper" give me hope.... There is more ahead. H door is still open. Although, I'm becoming more open to the idea that H may never come out of this.
I still want him. Old him. However, I will not allow myself to waste away, waiting for pigs to fly. I have one life. I'm going to live it.
I do need to expand my network of friends. I haven't felt ready. Until now.
uR, I'm going to use this anger to get myself to that next level. I found some groups that aren't dating oriented, but they do all kinds of interesting things. I may look into that.
When S18 leaves in (gulp) two days... It will be the three of us. We will be able to get into a routine. That new routine is going to include GAL. For me.
My focus is shifting more onto me.
If I don't put focus there, no one else is ever going to.
This anger thing is something I haven't felt much of yet. When I think of the word anger...I think of people yelling and fighting. This is not that... This is a quiet anger.
It's keeping me from wanting to check my phone. It's keeping me from wanting to think about H. It's making me consider what else I can do with my one life right now.
Gwen, you words are quite comforting. It helps or me, to hear someone say I'm incredibly strong. Because I don't always feel it myself.
Shining, everything you wrote about your internal dialog, I can so relate to. I’ve been going through the stages of acceptance, then anger, then indifference, than anger again… for 2 ½ years. And I came from another country, not the state... with my son... hoping that I could provide a good, stable family for him. And now H is gone from my son’s life. So is his biological father. So, I understand very well what you feel.
To kml’s point about the brain problems… This is what my BIL (my sister’s H) thinks about my H, that he is not in MLC, but having some kind of brain problem.
Shining, let me know what GAL activities you come up with. I need some inspiration too .
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
S, I know you sometimes dont see how strong you are.
You survived an abusive marriage. You got you and your kids out of it safely. In order to do that, you moved across the country and started over. Leaving behind all you knew...your home, your family and friends.
You took the chance to love again in spite of what you went through. What courage that took.
Your h goes through a crisis. He tries to committ suicide. You again get your kids to safety. Once again losing your home. You lost your job. Your son has joined the service. You got another job.
You have had to deal with all that goes with the crisis..other women, financial hardship, etc.
You do it all on your own. Your kids somehow excel in school and manage to be ok. All your doing.
That, my friend, took incredible, undeniable strength.
Dont sell yourself short. Dont allow this to define your life. You are going to have an amazing one someday. I know this because of who you are and what you are made of.
So, this is a ripple...this undercurrent. It is pushing you along. Ride with it, Shining. See where it takes you.
You can use it to sit in a place of being the victim, sitting around pissed off at the world, at your plot in life, at your H, at your XH....
Or
You can use it to help push you forward. By forward...I mean living your life on your terms with an emphasis on veing happy.
Believe it or not....you can be happy and live a fullfilled life and STAND for your M.
You know you deserve better... I get that...
What though does better look like to YOU?
What does better look like to YOU right now?
When/if you answer... it should be based on things you can control.
So...Shinning.... whatcha gonna do with this anger?
I'll close with a story....a quick one...
There was an man....he worked a lot. Actually all he did was work. One day he slowed down at work...so he decided to start spending more time trying to fix things around the house. He fixed the stairs, he fixed the roof. One day while he was fixing the roof a young lady who had a crush on him asked him what he wanted to do in his life. The man came down from the roof...he responded...
I want to go to Paris
I want to feed the homeless for a week.
I would like to plant the largest tree you've ever seen.
I would like to drive a corvette across the country.
I would like to go th gracy mansion
I would like to meet Michele Weiner
I would like to own a great dane
I would like to learn how to paint
The man went on for over an hour with all the things he wanted to do.
The women asked him why he has not started to do some of the things he mentioned. He responded...I will once I complete this project at work.
3 days later the women walked by rhe house again....the man was not around. Neighbors told her that he had died yesterday of a massive heart attack.
The women was sad..
The moral of the story....
Never put off on some till tomorrow or nexy week or next month...that you could do today.
Peace Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Shining ... you do realize you have survived worse already right? Look at you ... its like a tornado wen by and you are standing all above the ruble with amazing hair and a kick-ass perspective.
You have this .. and its healthy to be angry, in fact I think sometimes we all get so into the sitch we forget to just say F this for a minute and work on ourselves. Its easy to put all that energy into our family, marriage and then realize we need to find some more to put into ourselves .. as uR and Eric stated .. use this anger filled energy and move forward ... know its healthy .. own it!
Shining I was where you are until very recently and I understand so well. I was frustrated about the anger- because I couldn't control it, and it made me feel out of control, and like I was failing at this detachment and healing process. But I couldn't get rid of it, I had to stay in it and do the best I could to take care of myself. It did help me though now that I look back- it helped me detach a little more ( though I still have a ways to go) and most of all it put me in a place where I felt I was worth more than what I am getting from H now or even earlier in our marriage. I'm able to stand right now with more patience and compassion since I went through that quiet "WTF who the h$ll does he think he is and how did I get here believing his BS" anger stage.
I'm sure I'm not done with cycling through that,'and I HATED that stage when I was there- but I see the benefit.
You are amazingly strong- you will get through this and it's not a sign of weakness that you are angry! It's a sign that your heart and soul recognizes it was wronged and you are worth more than youve been giving yourself credit for!
So rock on with yo bad a$$ self!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Thank you, Bright, uR, Eric, Cali, Ggrass, and daring.
*****heavy sigh*****
And then there were 3.
S18 just left. I'm emotionally spent.
AND, because you can't even make this stuff up.... Xh was here to help him move. After I came home from work, we were all sitting in living room talking.
A little background: during my "in house S" with xh, one of the things that mysteriously disappeared, was my W ring. Out of my jewelry box. Nothing else.
Yeah. He stole it. (Among other things during that time). Of course, I asked him about it. He lied. He said he hadn't seen it.
So, as we were talking, Xh asked If I remembered something about the old house. There were beautiful hardwood floors throughout. The one room still had some carpet. Xh never let me pull it up.
I said yes, I remember. He then told me that he pulled the carpet up after I left. And as he was telling me, he reached into his pocket, and guess what he had????? Yeah.... My wedding ring.
He didn't specify how he found it or where it was, no story attached. In fact, now that I think of it... He never said the words "your ring was in the carpet" or anything close to that. Hmmmm.
He said he hoped it was ok that he gave it to me. He said he hoped I wasn't angry that he held onto it for all these years after the house was sold, and waited to give it to me now.
I kind of got emotional....he apologized. He said, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean for it to make you sad! I thought you might be excited to cash it in for some cha ching!"
I said, "yeah, because that's EXACTLY what I've always been about. Cha ching. Ummm, have you met me?"
He laughed, looking embarrassed.
And here I sit....with my W ring. Now I have 2 that mean absolutely nothing.
I'm still processing my anger. It's still there. I'm coming up with a plan for myself, and for a Christmas this week.
Life is too short. This is stupid. I'm going to get to gettin'!!!
Look out, world..... I don't know what that is ^^^^^^^^^. But when I find out? Yeah. It's gonna be MAGIC.
Life is indeed too short. So as you said...get's to gettin..
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Hmmmm....not to be lacking in sentimentality or anything, but my first thought was "I wonder if she could get enough for those rings to finance a nice European vacation?"
Re reading what He said when he handed you the ring about selling it might be his way of saying I know your short right now things are tough. He might not feel comfortable putting that Into words so instead he tryed a gesture?
To express some empathy for what's happening. Not a negative in your only after $.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Gotta say it took guts for him to give you that ring. Did you look around to see if Rod Serling was lurking? LOL!
Those two rings mean something, S. They mean you loved and were loved. That matters.
Originally Posted By: Shining
I'm coming up with a plan for myself, and for a Christmas this week.
Life is too short. This is stupid. I'm going to get to gettin'!!!
Look out, world..... I don't know what that is ^^^^^^^^^. But when I find out? Yeah. It's gonna be MAGIC.
I LIKEEEEE ^^^^^^. Go, Shining, goooo. Yea, my cheerleader outfit is on...its a little snug...ok, a lot snug, but, who cares cuz Shining is makin magic.
Aw.... Hugs, cupcake. Would a 3rd ring from Ryan Gosling be of interest to you? Just saying:) The rings (for me) would be a challenge as well....the representation and memories.
Hang in there. Hope the weekend is awesome:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 12/06/1405:45 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Oh my gosh, shining! I've been missing you! I am just getting caught up, and am reminded why I love, love love you! OMG, seriously, it was like my heart strings were being pulled.
Your pat on the back to God.... That made me cry! I was like, omg... That's why I love her and why she is so amazing.
Your ring.... Your reaction ..... Made me cry.
Look, not a lot of things or people in my life can make me cry. I shed a lot of tears this year, but surprisingly, I would go months w/o one.
You make me cry. Because you are so genuine. You are wonderful. I feel so honored to have met you here. I never have any insight for you, because I know that whatever you do, you will rock it.
See..... And you are making me mushy. Mighty isn't known for mush. But, I dig you, shining. Go ahead with your bad self.
***oh and the anger. I get it. You may have it for a bit; it will subside. But return in waves, but not hang around as long. At least that had been my experience. But you description. Is an accurate of one of my phases.
Hey Shining I signed up with the KIK app- had to use name " daringgreatly" as daring was already taken.
Hope your anger is helping you be productive and move forward. I'm ready to rock out a GAL day with ya!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I felt I needed a break.... It was good to take the focus off of the sitch for a little bit.
Plans are coming together for the "Not-So-Pitiful-Pity-Party-of-One-Holiday-Extravaganza!" (Cue the snow, reindeer enter stage left, jingle bells in the background, flashing Christmas lights....you get the idea.)
More details to come....
I'm not going to post about MLC H, because no.
My energy needs to stay centered, on myself and my kids. Holiday seasons as an LBS succcckk. They just do. Well, guess what?
I'M NOT GOING DOWN LIKE THAT!!!!
Taking stock of the good stuff, I'm smiling bigger and bigger these days.
Some highlights....A few reasons why this has been an extraordinary week:
1. My son comes home from Boot Camp in less than 48 hours for holiday leave!!! I'm planning a fun, creative way to welcome him at the airport! I'm hoping to set a precedence with which I can continue to one-up myself, each time he returns home. I can't wait to hear everything he has done!! Unless it freaks me out... Then, no.
2. My 16 year-old son just found out he was cast as Peter Pan in the high school one-act play! This is the piece they will bring to district, regional, and statewide competitions! It is also only the second play he has ever done. He is ridiculously excited. It is a gift to be able to see him fitting in so well with a group of peers, explore some new un-tapped talents, become his own person, have his first girlfriend, overcome his struggles, and see him so happy. He is also my Asperger kid.... You'd never know it these days.
3. My 13 year old daughter and I have become increasingly close over the past 8 months. She has told me several times this week, that she truly believes she has the best mother, out of all her friends. (Music to these ears, especially to hear her articulate the reasons why). Since I started coming to the boards, she has commented on the changes in me. She's learning many of the same things I am, simply by being present. She is pretty much DBing her entire middle school. Her perspective, maturity, and overall sense of calm, in a drama-infested culture of crazies....it's inspiring. I read her text messages, and it's amazing to me, the number of friends that reach out to her for advice. Her responses are validating. Empathetic. Encouraging. Boundary-keeping. I'm in awe.
4. My other 18 year old son has been contacting me regularly. He is having the time of his life! He has gone on several ride-alongs with the fire department. He has been reconnecting with his father, and healing some old wounds. It is the result and scenario I prayed for, when I asked xh to let us go. I promised I wouldn't impede the kids' R. I told xh to let us heal, and they will come back. And they are. My son that is with him suffered the most from the trauma, and needed the most healing. He's becoming his own man. His highlight of the week, as he reported, was getting to see his first dead body. To each his own.... ew.
Life is going on, my friends. And it's wonderful!
GB- with all this awesomeness, I just executed my first ever, Arabian double front in a full layout position. You KNOW I stuck the landing.
Shining, So many wonderful things are happening for your family this year. You have to be beaming ear to ear w/the progress and accomplishments that you and your children have made.
Enjoy the holidays w/them. Make many happy memories and take plenty of photos to refer back to when you are feeling a bid down.
Happy Holidays!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes! Of course you stuck the landing. So happy for you:-)
Keep it up!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
All my chickens are still home!!! At least for one more day....
We had a GREAT time. Wow, did I miss those big boys!
Ok, FINE. "Men."
Update on things:
I've been almost NC since Thanksgiving. It has given me the space and time to sort some things out. Definitely wouldn't have been possible if I was in constant communication with him.
H is still in the tunnel. Deep. Still running. Still seeking. I believe he is now with ow#7 or 8, possibly more. Not my problem.
The few texts we have exchanged, have been strange. Although, strange is his new normal.
He is pushing harder to separate more layers of the financial onion. He said we both need closure, and he wants to "get things rolling" early January. Holidays getting to him maybe? Idk.
Here is the latest script, for those who may relate: He still blames me, but his wording has softened. He is more vague. Even though his claims of me treating his son badly have been invalidated by his own son, he clings to the excuse for "too much damage" and "scars". He says, "We had good. Lots of good. No doubt. But the bad was awful. Too much to bear. Literally." He claims I was "the one". And I can't be replaced. (And he would know, because he has tried almost everyone else....) He says he knows for a fact he will never have feelings again like he had for me. He says he has accepted that. He doesn't want "pain or badness" (?) for me. Then asked, "Can we just get this over with?"
Ok. There's that.
Here's the real change..... It doesn't matter. Not anymore. I'm done.
In my quiet-from-the-boards time, and with my kids all here and living life, remembering what is important.... I realized I need to be done, for me.
If H showed up at my door, today, apologizing, begging forgiveness, promising to go to counseling, anything and everything... I would still say no.
And that acknowledging and looking inward apology thing is not even a blip on the radar right now.
He has so far to go. So, so far.
I can lovingly tuck away my M. I can love the years we had. But I also need to love me enough to keep living.
Looking back, the switch that really did it for me, was his vasectomy. Although I see how this might have made sense to his crisis mind, the fact that he would permanently alter his body to enable more screwing of ow is just not even remotely ok.
Although I have come to an to acceptance that he felt he needed to do that, and it was another thing to "try" to feel better, I have simply decided it isn't something I want to deal with forever. I just don't. There are so many additional factors that add up and I don't feel it's worth it anymore.
I feel I would always wonder if he's really through his crisis. I would never trust him. I feel I deserve to be with someone who is capable of dealing with things in a healthy way. I just want better for myself.
The other major factor in this, is that I can see how much he has hurt my kids. Since he is not their father, it is an entirely different thing. I asked myself, if my stepdad did these things to my mother, would I want him in her life? Do I want this man badly enough to possibly push away my kids?
No one knows what the future holds. Years and decades from now. After I learned how xH came through his chit, I learned to never say never.
But I'm not planning years and decades right now. I'm on today. What do I need today? Where is my life today?
I'll tell you.
Today is day one of a new freakin' awesome year. I can feel it.
My amazing friend, you are so special. And you know I support you in whatever you choose to do.
Know this. That I have had the privledge of watching you walk this journey. I have been amazed by your williness to look inside. I have marveled at all you have been through and have survived.
This should never be at the cost of you.
I know you have been terribly hurt by what has happened with your marriage. I am sorry for that.
I wish you all good things for this coming year. I hope you will be open to all the possibilities life has to offer. Mostly, though, I wish you peace. You deserve nothing less.
Shining, I’m so happy to know that you had a great time with your kids. And I’m so impressed by your progress. I can’t wait for that moment of feeling “done” to come to my life. There is one thing resonated with me. Your H’s vasectomy. My H had that done last year, and for the same reason, to be able to screw with ows without fear of fathering a child. I know that I have some uneasy feelings about that too. Maybe one day I will realize that this one fact is a deal breaker for me too.
And the thing about hurting your kids. I’m in the same boat. H hurt my son too, by abandoning him and having no contact with him. Even though he is an adult, I know it must still hurt.
Shining, I wish you that “freakin’ awesome” year! You deserve it! You are amazing!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Happy New Year, Shining! Look at you:-). Sending you a high kick, pirouette, dl full split, liberty heel stretch, high 5 AND hug. Kitchen sink coming later.
Enjoy your kids. Xo
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I second everything Bright wrote. You are inspiring to me because you are not stuck. I mean we all have stuck moments or periods of time but you have worked so hard to keep those few and far between.
Even though I am new to all this I already see how my H has hurt our girls. I can't wait until I can say I am in that spot where H is not much of an issue in my life. I guess after 25 years it is just plain hard to let go.
Thanks for posting allowing me a glimpse into the possibility of being able to move on. I need to hear it from people like you who are determined to move ahead and live each day with gratitude and peace.
Happy, happy new year! May you bask in the freakin' awesomeness of a shining new year!
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
My dear, dear Shining. You are simply amazing. Truly. I admire you so much. I have enjoyed watching your growth and been so happy for you to improve your life, stay positive, and work towards true peace and happiness. You let nothing hold you back. You are an amazing person.
I knew something was brewing with you. I wasn't sure what. Boy, was I really unsure! But more than anything, I am so impressed that you found your way through happiness. I know it is hard, but through enjoying your life, living in the moment, being happy with your kids, you found inner your strength and peace. It was dead silent in my house when I read your post. It still is now. It never is. But it was like my world stopped and I listened to my friend. I am happy for you. And I am proud to call you my friend.
Aaawwww, thank you so much uR, Bright, GB, Gwen and Mighty!! Your support means the world to me. I'm not going anywhere, at least for a while.
The board is wonderful. Standing is wonderful. ALL OF YOU make it wonderful.
Yep, Mighty, something was definitely going on. As much as I post all my thoughts in unabreviated long-form, it is when I'm quiet that the deepest thoughts are processed.
I worked through some deep stuff. I needed clarity. I needed to mentally live through what reconciling would look like from all angles. I needed to decide what I want for myself and my life. I needed to decide if I can get where I want to go, if I'm still standing for my M.
I actually couldn't even force myself to post a few times. I just didn't care enough anymore about my sitch.
Here's the thing of all this:
I don't feel like I have given up, nor do I feel I have failed. It's weird. I feel more like I'm choosing differently. Not that I can't choose him again if I want to a hundred years from today. Just not now.
I loved him so much. Omg it was insane. I still love the man I married. I will always love the man he was. He isn't that man now. I can't watch him do this to himself anymore. I can't be connected to him. It's unhealthy for me. I can't let my thoughts of him hold me back from taking care of me and my kids. I can't allow it to affect how I love MYSELF. I have to turn around and go my own way.
It's not what I wanted. It is accepting what is.
I used to be afraid he wouldn't ever want me again. Now I'm afraid he will.
I'm ready to truly and completely, leave him to his journey. And I feel good and strong about this. I have finally let him go.
It's now the alternative that gives me anxiety. <<<<<<That's my biggest "shift."
I love you guys. Thank you for being here. I'll continue to post, unless I'm voted off the island.
Since nothing has been filed, I'm afraid the fat lady hasn't even done her vocal warm-ups yet.
Thank you, uR! Lucky world?? Ok, well.....I AM kind of a catch . We'll see!!
Gwen, thanks for not voting me off!! Come to think of it....an island vaca sounds pretty fab about now.
bea, I'm so glad to see you again! Yes, the "choosing differently" resonated with me, too. It goes along with the feeling of having power in this mess. Much better way to frame it.
Welp, the financial onion continues to peel away....
Made some decisions. I'm going to give H my car. It's in his name, not mine. He passed it on when he bought his brand new truck in April. The payments are way too high. I have been giving H a check each month for the payment amount, since it comes out of his account.
I looked into refinancing to get under my name, and I decided I can get a really nice different car for a lot less, and have more $$ for my kids and GAL. That's the priority. Especially since I literally drive less than a half mile to work each day. I don't need an expensive car. At all. Silly.
I also requested h meet me at our financial advisor's office, and get the ball rolling to split those accounts.
Ball now in motion. Yay, Shining.
I think H was surprised at first that I made the effort to schedule. He was his same wackadoo. Clueless. Making casual conversation with me as though we're friends. I was annoyed.
I may or may not have been a bit rude....looked at my phone, nodded some, but really not listening.... Oh, well. My days of caring what he thinks are about done.
Then, here's where I wish sometimes I could be more of a beeatch.
Because I started crying.
I hate that I have to do this again. I absolutely hate this part. The business-y stuff. It's so sterile. He looks so different. Then there will be a glimpse of familiar. It's hard to look at. And I hate feeling so alone.
As we left, he made sure I knew he was going to do x, y, z (no those aren't his gf's names, lol...). Sorry. Man-whore humor.
What I meant was, he said he would give me specific amounts and it was important to him that "no one can say he's a bad guy who took all my money." He has said this several times in the past 9 months.
He asked me if I wanted to keep the car. I said I do, but I don't think I can afford it. He then turned the topic onto him and his truck, and possibly taking that back too, and do I have his new truck paperwork because he can't find it..... Ugh. It never ends.
But, it will. And that's ok. The hard part ended long ago. Before I even knew it. And I get it.
So, after I started getting choked up, I said to him, in that super high-pitched-I-don't-want-you-to-see-me-cry-voice, "I have to go".
I then ran to my car like a scene from a bad Rom-Com. ****sigh***.
H texted me (I kind of guessed he might). He sent me screenshots of his work retirements, with the words, "in the spirit of transparency".
I am choosing to be grateful.
Grateful that while he may be emotionally heartless as a H, he isn't financially heartless. And many of them are. So I celebrate the one positive.
Time will tell if he will do what he said. So far, he has with regards to finances. I'm hopeful.
Shining, I think you are doing great and handling things w/grace. I'm glad you set up a meeting to discuss finances and now everything is out on the table. I also think you are very wise in getting rid of the expensive car and can now look around for something more affordable.
You are the prize and he is the fool. He's going to realize that one day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Letting H have the big SUV was the best decision. I love my little car. I thought I would miss the more expensive land yacht but this little car is sporty and the gas mileage helps me save a lot of money.
I admire how you are embracing all of this by trying to frame things in their most positive light. We are human and it would be unrealistic to think you could get through all of this without some down days. The main thing is you are not letting the bad define your life.
Sending you good juju. Hang in there.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Thank you, job. I'm handling it the best I can. Do you really think he will realize he's a fool? Because I do. He had everything. He admitted he will never have what we had again. I think he will wake up. And I think it will likely be too late when he does.
Gwen, I do have down days. But I've never been a negative person. Sometimes to my own detriment. I appreciate the juju!! I'll take all I can get!
Update:
Found a new counselor for D13 tonight. She really seems to like her.
I cleaned like a mad woman the past couple of days. In serious "purge" mode. Out with the old..... Feels good.
MIL emailed and wants to meet for lunch next week to give me some Christmas cards for the kids and me. She has always been very sweet to me, and she gets it. That will be weird.... I haven't seen her in almost a year.
I'm going to wait until after S18 graduation from basic trainng before giving h the car. I'm driving there, so why not keep it until then?
Life is looking good. I have a lot to be grateful for.
Do you really think he will realize he's a fool? Because I do. He had everything. He admitted he will never have what we had again. I think he will wake up. And I think it will likely be too late when he does.
I believe most of them will. Especially when we do nothing but stick to the high road and show love. Triple especially if they admit what we had was good.
As you noted, the question is if we will still be there when that happens.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Shining, there are many who do wake up and realize what they've lost and will try to reconcile. However, there are some that feel so foolish and have that stubborn pride and will not accept what they've done, so they carry on w/their lives and never try to reconcile because it would be too much work. Some will remain stuck and then there are the lbs who have moved on w/their lives and do not wish to reconcile. Time will tell which way your h will sway. For now, continue as you have been and if he does wake up, it's up to him to figure out how to catch up w/you and earn your love and trust back.
I'm glad to read that you have located a new counselor for your D13. Part of winning the battle is that she likes her. She'll more willing to open up to someone she likes and trusts.
As for the MIL, go to lunch and have a good time. Try not to share too much of what is going on w/you and your h. I would try to stick to subjects like work and the children. I'm sure it is going feel strange to meet up w/her, but it sounds like you've got a good relationship w/her.
Yes, life is looking good for you and you've come a long way in a short amount of time. Be sure to stop and smell the roses along the way. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Shining- I'm catching up on your thread and I seriously spit out my sting laughing at your "x,y,z manwhore" comment! I love how you keep your sense of humor through all of this. I'm in a similar place as you- ready to get this all done with but still have those teary days, especially when H is interacting in the familiar ways.
We can do this! I'm a glass half full kinda girl too- if either of us get too low we can share
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
DARING!!!! You KNOW we are in the same place, in detachment and overall attitude.... I call it, DETACHITUDE.
I had to go to page 4 to find my thread....lol. Been slacking!
FY and Job, thank you for your continued support, wisdom, and insight. You both have been here long enough to see anything and everything happen. It will be interesting to add this to the stats, years down the road.
Hard to even post.
I mean… the things I would have scrambled to type before, feel so meaningless now.
This is a strange thing I have felt since early December, but starting since H announcement of the big "v". I first attributed the feeling to the holidays. Then H birthday (which I didn’t even write about).
The reality is? None of it matters anymore. The events. The dialog. The details of H. It just means nothing to me. I have shut him out so far, that I can’t care about that stuff if I tried. If he was dangerously ill or hurt? Of course I would care about his well-being. The difference is this: I no longer feel it’s my job to tend to it.
Updates:
H still hasn’t filed. I have gone from the beginning of this journey, feeling terrified and praying he wouldn’t file….. to hoping he wouldn’t file….. then, thinking he probably will file….then I was truly accepting that D will definitely happen and being ok with it…. And now I am finding myself impatiently wanting it now. Now-now. Yesterday now. Enough to do it myself if he doesn’t in the next month or two.
What is THAT about??
I'm ok waiting in some ways. I would like the peace of mind of being 100% in charge of my finances, should he start a new behavior of racking up a bunch of debt. In my state, it would be marital. I feel like I should quit while I'm ahead...well, I'm not ahead....just not super behind.
I met with MIL for lunch last week. I hadn’t seen her or anyone from the family for almost a year. It was since H suicide attempt at the hospital in February. Nothing in-person since. She is his step-mom. She has always been great, and I believe she gets it.
I felt like I was helping HER understand and deal with this...it was strange. We cried some, because they were a great family to my kids and me. I miss them, and they all miss us.
MIL understands that H needs help, but she is still confused by many things that don’t make sense to her (we can all relate).
She told me the only time anyone in the family has seen him since we S was Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a birthday dinner. This is unusual, as we would meet them for dinner every couple of weeks in the past.
She said he didn’t seem depressed, but he certainly was not upbeat like he had been at holiday gatherings when we were together. She said that historically, H has bad-mouthed his xw and xgfs to his family after a break-up. He did none of that about me. She found that interesting. She couldn’t believe he hasn’t filed, and if he doesn’t really want a D, why isn’t he working on it? That confused her. She used the word “Limbo.” She knows he loved me, and it’s obvious to her that he doesn’t want to lose me from his life, but he has to grow up. A lot. She hates that we had to experience this pain, but she is well aware of his issues, and isn’t surprised in the least that he is in this crisis.
4 months ago, I would have taken that info and pinned every ounce of hope on it. Today? meh.
For me? I’ve been busy. Being fabulous ☺
I have been researching and car shopping. I’m constantly reevaluating our finances.
D13 is continuing IC, and really likes her. D13 will be D14 this weekend….holy buckets! She is really doing great. Her IC will hopefully help her work through things from long ago, not-too long ago, and recent stuff. She is still traumatized by the boy from her school that had the obsessive crush on her, and wrote the manifesto naming kids and teachers he would “take-out”. He was rumored to be released and possibly returning to her school. Yeah….she’s freaking out.
S16 has a lead role in both upcoming stage productions at his HS. For a kid with Asperger’s, he is breaking the mold. I’m loving it, and finally seeing his passion! The group is accepting of him and his quirks like nothing he has ever had in his life. In fact…they celebrate those qualities. Truly incredible to watch.
S18 (twin) graduates from Basic in 2 weeks. He calls me weekly. He sounds like he is absolutely thriving, and gaining so much experience. He has been put into several leadership roles within his group, for various tasks. He feels confident, connected, motivated…. Also constantly hungry, sore, and tired. He loves that, too. He is knowingly on an adventure, and open to whatever possibility presents. Such a cool kid.
S18 (twin) started firefighter school, and continues to move forward in his semi-independent life. He recently had what he called, “the same 3 hour conversation” that I had with his father. They went to a hockey game, and had some male-bonding time. When they returned home, they sat and had a glass of whiskey, lol. His dad asked him what he remembers from his younger years. What scared him. What things made him feel small. And he addressed every single one of them. <<<THIS healing, is what I had hoped and prayed for since the decision to D. I’m so grateful. These kids deserve that.
Those things above, the kids…..that’s what gives me such peace. It’s all ok. It is all going to be ok. Life is life. And it’s moving along.
Shining, Life sounds good in your neck of the woods. The kids are thriving and you sound like you have found solid footing. I do understand where you are at and at some point, you will do whatever it is that you need to do to get to where you are financially independent. Continue to do what you are doing and keep your eyes forward on the goal of happiness and living your life to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Shining Great update and great state of mind you are in. Keep focused stay strong.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Detachitude- I am loving that term! Great updates on all your kids, I'm so happy for them and you. Lots of good things in store for you all!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Ah, my amazing friend, it does my heart good to hear you sounding so strong.
You worked so hard to get to this place.
How well your kids are doing...in light of all that's happened in their lives...speaks volumes about you. Dont ever forget that. You have been their guiding light, their touchstone, their constant source of strength.
I cant wait to see where life takes you...I want a front row seat.
Shining, it is great to hear that you and your kids doing so well. Sorry if it would be a downer, but I keep thinking about what you said how something is changed in you after you found out about H’s big “v”. Why did it make you feel like it was a breaking point? My H did the same last year, and I also have uneasy feelings about it. But so I do about his tattoo and other things he’s done. I think about it as part of the MLC.
The reason I’m asking is that I see where you are on your journey, and I think about mine. You are way ahead of me, and my BD was a lot earlier, I think. I wish I would be where you are right now. So, maybe some insight would help, if you don’t mind.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thank you, job, that is exactly my plan. Living life to the fullest. It’s scary to keep my eyes forward, yet exciting at the same time. I’m setting goals for myself, while learning to get comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling of “not knowing” what will happen. Because who of us really knows, anyway?
2B, daring, Ss, uR, thank you for your kind words. I do feel strong. It isn’t as if, “hey, I TOTALLY got this” 100% of the time. I have sad moments. I have frustrating things that happen. I have fleeting feelings of anger when I have to deal with things I don’t want to deal with. Here’s the thing: How is that different than normal life pre-BD?
It’s not. It’s life.
I sometimes think people are seeking an inner Nirvana after picking up the pieces. To me, that’s a bit unrealistic. Just because we get strong, and accept this “new normal”, doesn’t mean the emotional lows cease to hit us. It’s knowing that our core is at peace. And we’re ok.
Bright, it’s no downer at all. I am more than happy to share my process, as we all learn from each other here.
While I can’t speak for anyone else, for me, the v was when a switch went off inside that let me know how big this really was. Knowing my H, and how he has always been one who avoided any needles, doctors, pain of any kind… the fact that he would permanently, physically alter his body…choose to go through THAT much pain and effort to continue to have relations with ow that were not me….was the loudest message I could receive, that he was really gone. And I knew I had to accept that reality in order to truly heal myself.
I agree it was part of his MLC. Absolutely. He would not have done that in his former self. Could I accept it and be with him now? For me, that answer was “no.” Not right now. 5 years from now? I have no idea. Stranger things have happened. But for me, for now, it was no.
Although the timing of my inner-switch coincided with his v, the other GINORMOUS obstacle was the effect this all has had on my kids. I had to hold up that same mirror I did when I D their father…and ask myself, “what am I modeling for them?” I was modeling that I loved my H. That I was willing to give it time. That I had to know I did all I could possibly do before walking away.
MORE than that, I had to consider THEM. What would my R with my kids be like if I were to R with H? Right now? It would create insecurity in them that I cannot allow. No. Friggin’. Way. Not again. Ever. We came too far to ever let it go back. I think it was kml months ago, who reminded me to be careful of the “other shoe dropping” syndrome. My apologies if I credited the wrong person…I’m too lazy to go through all of my threads and verify ☺.
I resisted that. Big time. I didn’t even want to consider that back then. I wasn’t ready to accept it. I’m so grateful now, that those words continued to haunt me.
Strangely…it’s the words we don’t think we want to hear, that stick with us. That uncomfortable feeling is usually where we need to focus.
So, I simply wanted my own pain to stop, ----right flippin’ now. I had that all-too-common feeling of wanting something back that wasn’t serving me well, but it was familiar and dammit I just don’t want to hurt anymore so give me back that thing that was bad.
As far as the time it took me to get here being relatively short? There could be many reasons for that. Perhaps because I had been through a ton of stuff already in my first D. I knew what that detachment felt like. I knew what I was aiming for. The trip always seems a little shorter when you know where you’re going, right?
Also, it could be that we were only together for 6 years.
Or… and here’s what I believe: I truly saw “him”. I saw his struggle. I believe I can see his pain, through all he does. I get him. I can’t explain it. I just do.
I KNEW I had to get out of his head, his heart and his way, so he can do this. I love him in a way I haven’t loved anyone before. It isn’t romantic now. It isn’t friendship now. It is a full-on be free and live your life in peace love. Wanting good things for him, regardless of me. Not just lip-service of the words. I actually got there.
I resisted this because of what I wanted, and what I thought I needed. I let go of that… because it isn’t about me.
. Heehee!
