THIS is where the MAGIC happens.

[Shining]

Thank you Ss and daring:).

I'm clearly in need of more restful sleep.



Mad. Mad mad mad mad mad.

You all said I would probably feel this. I said, "oh? I don't feel mad. I'm hardly ever mad."

That is true. Not now.

To qualify..... This isn't rage. This is: How. Fn. Dare you.


I haven't heard from H today. Yesterday, he sent a text reminding me to take steps to get my car refinanced and in my name.

My payments could be lower. That would be good.

I'm just mad.

Warning: déjà Vu. I'm pretty sure I've complained about this before.

His actions forever changed the holidays.
His actions created financial difficulties and placed big burdens on me that I wouldn't have otherwise.
He broke my heart, and it keeps breaking over and over. And he doesn't want me. And I'm suffering. And it's Christmas time. And my kids are gone. And I'm mad.

I can do many things to take control of how this feels.

And I will.

Soon........



Just not today.

[Ggrass]

Yeah shinning we do get the whole déjà vu thing, it's the whole hamster wheel.

I feel on the wheel at times but with a dead hamster. Nothing's turning. Then I see things like dr phill the other day and see a sobbing woman on there and I see me 12 months ago her words her thoughts and I realise how far far far I have come.

I might not sound like it in the threads but I saw it then held up in my face I had that big uh huh moment. Inch by inch it changes.

[uRworthy]

Hey my friend. I am so sorry you are suffering. Really and truly.

Yea, that anger creeps up on you. I found when it did for me...it was right before I was ready to take a leap.

You know how when you were a kid and there was this big puddle you wanted to jump over? You had to back up to get a running start.

This anger is kinda like that.

It has a purpose. You just dont see it fully yet. And also, it succks what you have and are dealing with. It just does. You have had so many changes in so short a time, of course you are angry.

So, you gotta feel it before you can let it go. Get good and mad. Punch something. Throw something. Scream. Get it out.

Then use it, sweetie, to propel you forward.

I know you will...I also know that you will when you are ready and not a moment before. .

One day you will look back on this time and be amazed at how much you grew.

I got your back. Always. Hope you know that. If you need it, I have someone with a BMW you could use as a punching bag cuz Im generous that way. Hee hee.

[Shining]

Gg, that is so true. We have come a long way, haven't we?? Inch by inch is right. We don't see the changes daily, but over time it finally shows.

uR, I'm not sure what is happening, but it feels like there is some bubbling under the surface....anger brewing or something. It's dark.

Here's the internal dialog: (old and familiar)

I deserve so much better than this.
How could he?
What the f is wrong with him?
And how can he do this to the kids?
We left everyone and everything we knew in another state. Now my kids are deeply rooted here, and he just changed his mind about M? Leaving me out here away from all I knew, and now with no family or old friends nearby.


I'm mad because we had everything.
I'm mad I can't just walk away without feeling bad for him.
I'm mad because he promised to care for my heart and love me forever.

Most of all.....

I'm mad because I believed him.



The BMW punching bag.... Just give me the license plate.... I'm so there.

[kml]

I deserve so much better than this.
Yes you do. Don't settle for less.

How could he?
He's not right, obviously - healthy people don't attempt suicide.

What the f is wrong with him?
See above.

And how can he do this to the kids?
See above

We left everyone and everything we knew in another state. Now my kids are deeply rooted here, and he just changed his mind about M? Leaving me out here away from all I knew, and now with no family or old friends nearby.
You made that choice. Maybe once the kids are grown you can move back to where YOU want to live - but for now, work on building new friendships and ties yourself.


I'm mad because we had everything.
And you will have everything again, on your own, with a new guy, or with him. Get out of your scarcity mindset.

I'm mad I can't just walk away without feeling bad for him.
Yup - unconditional love can be a biatch. It's ok to feel bad for him, but not okay to take responsibility for his life when he has booted you out of it. I still feel bad for my ex, who I do think suffers from some degree of brain problems - but he made his choices, I did my best to prevent it, and now he has the life he has made - I hope it works for him, but it's definitely not my responsibility anymore.

I'm mad because he promised to care for my heart and love me forever.
He meant it when he promised it - he just wasn't capable of keeping that promise. Oddly, now that I've come out the other end of this - I no longer fear that happening again. Maybe because I no longer feel like I HAVE to have that. If my current boyfriend Mr. Keeper is able to do that - great. If not - well, I've learned that single life has its good points also!

Most of all.....

I'm mad because I believed him.
Because you needed the validation and the safety after your trainwreck of a first marriage. But now you're stronger and able to stand on your own two feet. Relish that.

[uRworthy]

Thats the hardest part..isnt it? The believing him part.

It's like someone changed all the rules you knew by heart and that isnt fair, right?

You know, when you think about all that you wrote...it kind of solidifies that MLC is real, ya know?

Because you werent wrong for believing him. You did because of who he was. He really was that person.

Then he broke. He broke because of all his stuff. He had no idea that was going to happen.

So when he was that man and you believed in him...he believed in it, too.

Doesnt mean you still cant be mad about the situation because you can.

But I found that after I realized that being angry was not going to change it, and that my xh didnt care if I was angry and that it was changing me....I was able to let it go.

I know you know that its a process. You are exactly where you are supposed to be in this.

This is another layer, S. Another thing you have to think through.

But you cant rush it....or it derails your path.

So, whatcha gonna do with it?

[123Gwen]

Shining,

So sorry today has been rough. you have been incredibly strong but I imagine that is not much comfort when you just want to get off the rollercoaster.

Hugs headed your way.

[Shining]

kml, holy bullseye. Yep. All of that is right. Especially the way I wanted the validation and safety after the train wreck of M#1. You and your "keeper" give me hope.... There is more ahead. H door is still open. Although, I'm becoming more open to the idea that H may never come out of this.

I still want him. Old him. However, I will not allow myself to waste away, waiting for pigs to fly. I have one life. I'm going to live it.

I do need to expand my network of friends. I haven't felt ready. Until now.

uR, I'm going to use this anger to get myself to that next level. I found some groups that aren't dating oriented, but they do all kinds of interesting things. I may look into that.

When S18 leaves in (gulp) two days... It will be the three of us. We will be able to get into a routine. That new routine is going to include GAL. For me.



My focus is shifting more onto me.

If I don't put focus there, no one else is ever going to.

[Shining]

Thank you, Gwen.

This anger thing is something I haven't felt much of yet. When I think of the word anger...I think of people yelling and fighting. This is not that... This is a quiet anger.

It's keeping me from wanting to check my phone. It's keeping me from wanting to think about H. It's making me consider what else I can do with my one life right now.

Gwen, you words are quite comforting. It helps or me, to hear someone say I'm incredibly strong. Because I don't always feel it myself.

[BrightFuture]

Shining, everything you wrote about your internal dialog, I can so relate to. I’ve been going through the stages of acceptance, then anger, then indifference, than anger again… for 2 ½ years. And I came from another country, not the state... with my son... hoping that I could provide a good, stable family for him. And now H is gone from my son’s life. So is his biological father. So, I understand very well what you feel.

To kml’s point about the brain problems… This is what my BIL (my sister’s H) thinks about my H, that he is not in MLC, but having some kind of brain problem.

Shining, let me know what GAL activities you come up with. I need some inspiration too .