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So so busy yesterday and today so more to come.

Yesterday the wife asked me to come over and watch the football game and then go up north and pick up the oldest. I went over and watched the football game but declined going up north because I had some more hunting to do( last night of deer season). Which was good I think. Showed I'm not going to drop everything for her. She was sad that we couldn't spend more time together. But we did spend some time together. Good enough for now.

To answer Sandi, yes she used those words. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I think this is all very good for right now. Yes she doesn't want to jump back with me but I don't want to jump back with her either. She's got some sole searching to do and with OM out of the picture maybe she can figure out some things. She did say me and the kids do make her happy. Sandi she also said she ended it with him. He apparently is not very happy about it either. While I was there ( maybe 2 hours) he called 5 times and probably another 7-10 text I'm guessing. She even said he is getting very annoying(he just bought her a new laptop,ouch).

Sorry to cut it short more later, time to go track down the deer I wounded last night(first deer every,heck yah). So happy!


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
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awesome news. now SLOW down! this could be just a tease. go into with your eyes wide open. optimistically happy for you. prayers. now send all the rest of us some of your mojo!


M40 XW35
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Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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So had some time finally. Don't think I totally understood the wife. Got the kids back and if she told the kids that her and OM broke up they aren't acting like it. They would be pretty happy if that's what she told them and would have said something to me. So I don't know what she talked about with them. Maybe it was more about there happiness. During our convo on Sunday morning she did say she was not happy with him. That he had a ton of red flags. She mentioned that she always was doing things to make other people happy and not herself(OM and his life). I don't know what's going on with her right know. Maybe she is just trying to sort out some stuff with herself. The convo kind of reminded me of some convoes that I had with her mom and sister. She even mentioned how her family was very important with her life and her kids. How if the divorce is what she wanted she needed to figure it out with out other distractions in her life that would not go anywhere. She just wanted to focus on work, school and the kids and nothing else for a while. Clear her head.

When I got to the house on Sunday, we got talking about the selling of the house. How things would start to move faster now, price would start to go lower and lower. She mentioned she just wishes she could not live there and we could just set it up for walk throughs and never have to clean it. (She knows she has to move soon and with out OM she has no place to go). We started talking about health insurance and how now we can start looking for it. Minny just reopened up its health care system. And some things we can do since she is a college student and family size. I had to let the cat out of the bag about my recent raise and she was very happy for me. I made a comment about how it's going to screw me over in taxes or something to that affect. And she said no it won't because we are still going to file married because you have to be divorce by the end of the year for it to matter(so she has no intention of filing before the end of the year). Talked about time on thanksgiving, how to split up the day(kinda).

So confused about what's up with her but happy she's finally trying to figure out her problems. Because in one sentence on Sunday it sounds like she has plans of wanting to make it work and moving in. Then in the next it's two separate christmas plans. She wants to hang out together then doesn't call me. O well I just hope it keeps going in the right direction. That's all I can hope right now. And trust me I am not jumping all over her showing I want her back more than anything. Just doing my thing and keeping the road paved smooth.


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So she didn't talk to the kids in front of you. Did she actually say she told them she had ended things with OM, or do you think you heard what you wanted to hear?

I'm sorry, b/c it must be terribly disappointing for you. If she will stay away from contacting him, maybe she will begin to turn back. It sounds as if he's not going to give up easily. if she's tired of him, he may hang himself with her. I just hope she doesn't find OM2.


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Way to end your post on a happy note Sandi. Thanks a lot. Ha ha ha

I think I just misunderstood during our convo what she was talking to the kids about. OM has hung himself already I think. O well just keep living my life.


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In my situation I found that until my wife actually went to absolutely no contact with the OM that our situation really didn't change. Good days and bad days occurred but no actual progress.

If she truly ends it...encourage her to end it for good. Saying she needs to figure things out without interference while still talking to OM as friends IS interference.

I also heard the "red flags" speech. How if she were single she wouldn't have even dated the OM. He's not her type. He's kind of boring. He's not really friendly. blah, blah, blah. It was all cake eating while she continued having me and OM battle it out for her time and attention.

Then you'll get the "I don't need or want any men" argument. Which you can volunteer to leave her absolutely alone to "figure things out" only if she promises to go VERIFIABLY no contact with OM. It's "space" from OM she truly needs to figure out what's truly important to her (da!!!!, her family).

Dawgs.


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When I started coming out of the fog, I begin to see slip ups the cool OM was making. (There is no telling how many women he was dangling at once.) The timing was about perfect for me to able to stop the contact. However, if I had not had the information from the board about the PEAs and how the addiction works....it would have been harder, I believe, when I was going through the withdrawal stage.

I faced the reality that I wanted the ego BS he gave me b/c it made me feel special. I had to face the reality of some other things, too. Man, did I feel like the ultimate fool.


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I don't know what's up with her right now. Since Sunday there hasn't been any real contact( her to me). She sent one text about my deer and that's it. Then last night some questions about Thanksgiving. She wanted to know if I could take the kids Wednesday night so she could work in the morning and make double pay. I said sure and she can pick up the kids after work. I asked what her family was doing for Thanksgiving and she said nothing(no surprise we where the ones that always put it together). I asked if she wanted to come with us to my families and she declined. Saying yah right last time I seen your sister she barely said two words to me. I said well that was the only time she has seen you since all this has started. I said your more than welcome to come with or we could have dinner here(a little to pursuing I think, maybe). She said well I get a turkey dinner at work and I think I'm going to take the kids to a movie that night but thanks anyway. I said ok it's out there if you want to. She asked if it was possible for me to take the kids to the school Thanksgiving dance if need be because she didn't know if she would be back in time from her school. And I said sure since I'll have them that night anyways. She asked if she could steal the kids for our nephews birthday party in a couple of weeks for a couple of hours. I agreed(hurts because that's my favorite nephew on her side). Funny no talk about Christmas yet because birthday party is the weekend before.

I don't know where she's at in life choices right now. But something is in the brew I think. I just talked with the realtor and he said it's going to go pretty fast now that he's going to lower the price major this time. Expects it to go with in two months. And he informed her of all this as well. She has really no place to go now that she ended it with OM(maybe). Even though that was just last weekend. Part of me wonders what's going on but I have got to stay in the phase of not caring. I catch my self mind reading and that's not good. She gives that little spot of pursuing me and it's got me kind of messed up. Wanting to do stuff with me and then no contact again. ODD! All I know is she plans on no divorce before the end of the year. And she didn't say no it would confuse the kids to the Thanksgiving plans. Like she would have said in the past. So there is still a little hope.

Anybody got any great Gluten free Thanksgiving side dishes they would like to share?


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I have a tip. Whenever you make that first invitation and she turns it down, do not try to get her to accept another invitation. It is fine to ask her to join that first time, but don't just keep pushing and don't throw in a different invitation.

FWIW, she probably would feel uncomfortable around your family the first time.

I think she gave a clear signal she didn't want to be with you Thanksgiving if she is choosing to go to the movies with the kids (this far in advance). So, pull back some.


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Real quick. I don't understand something. Last night I took the kids to the community center to go swimming. I used her membership for them and paid for myself. While we where there. She sent a text asking what we where up to. I told her and said I would pay her instead of paying the center for the kids. And added that we were doing something special today. She said that's fine and I told her that I would text her later. I text her later and she asked what the special thing was and I asked jokingly are you interested. She said I work a double. She said fine don't tell me. I told her don't get mad it's ice skating. She said well it's suppose to be nice out have fun. I told her it's inside at a rink. And she said even better. Told her she's welcome to join and she said I work a double. I said well if you can get off let me know. She said ok thanks. Goodnight and tell the kids I love them.

Is what your talking about her pursuing me but why is she getting mad if I invite her. Or is not mad about that and she is just mad about me doing new and fun things with the kids. I just don't want to push her away at this time. I mean she asked what we where doing so I'm not going to lie to her. Or do I not invite her. Confused!


M36/W30
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Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
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Real quick. I don't understand something. Last night I took the kids to the community center to go swimming. I used her membership for them and paid for myself. While we where there. She sent a text asking what we where up to. I told her and said I would pay her instead of paying the center for the kids. And added that we were doing something special today. She said that's fine and I told her that I would text her later. I text her later and she asked what the special thing was and I asked jokingly are you interested. She said I work a double. She said fine don't tell me. I told her don't get mad it's ice skating. She said well it's suppose to be nice out have fun. I told her it's inside at a rink. And she said even better. Told her she's welcome to join and she said I work a double. I said well if you can get off let me know. She said ok thanks. Goodnight and tell the kids I love them.

Is what your talking about her pursuing me but why is she getting mad if I invite her. Or is not mad about that and she is just mad about me doing new and fun things with the kids. I just don't want to push her away at this time. I mean she asked what we where doing so I'm not going to lie to her. Or do I not invite her. Confused! On what course of action.

Last edited by 3kids; 11/22/14 02:19 PM.

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I think she is more angry at her situation she finds herself to be in now. If I were you, I would back off inviting her to everything. Give it a rest, and if something really special comes along, you might try again. If she still rejects it, then you need to stop asking, period.


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Hi friends,

Well I have had a interesting couple of days. The weekend turned out to be a bomb, every thing I tried to do with the kids blew up and didn't happen. Sad weekend to say the least. But we still had some fun. On Sunday night the youngest needed a book bag that he left in his moms car. So I asked if she could drop it off after she got off work. When she stopped she asked if she could run up and kiss the kids while they where a sleep. And I said of course. After that we started talking about Christmas and house plans. We where talking about how fast the house is going to sell now that the price has dropped. I asked what her living ideas where when the house sells. She said well I haven't decided yet. She then went into a discussion. She doesn't know what to do she is thinking about marriage counseling for us but is still unsure. She said if we tried to make it work at least we could say we tried instead of just gave up. But was unsure on how it would affect the kids if we tried. ( this is when I thought of Sandi). She started to go into how she can't afford even living at the old house and making just utilities payments, she started to look at apartments nearby but doesn't know how she could afford them. ( I didn't jump in yet). Then we started talking about Christmas and we need to split up the decorations and orniments. She looked very sad and said that this is all very hard and doesn't like doing that. I asked well what would you like to do, I told her that I loved the real tree last year so that's what I'm going to do and she can put up the fake tree if she wanted to. She brought up what about Christmas morning. I told her that it was her day so if I could get the kids that afternoon it would be great, if not they can just do presents at my house when they come back(because I get them Christmas Eve), and open Santa's presents then. She said so Santa's coming to both houses, and I said yep. She complained how she didn't have a lot of money for Christmas and I said neither do I, but we will make it the best we can for our kids. She asked well what if we have Christmas here, we could have all the presents here, I could bring mine over or what ever(I think she wants to combine gifts mom and dad). And this is when I jumped in. I said what do you want wife. I said me and the kids would love for you to come live here with us but only if you want to not because you need to. She said that is what I'm confused about right now, I just don't know. I said well maybe some time you and I should just go out and sit down have a cup of coffee and talk. We need to talk about Christmas stuff anyways. She said well maybe. We finished with some other stuff and she left.

Then came last night. She sends a text saying can I come over and bring your mail and give the kids a hug. I said sure I have to go get the oldest from basketball and the other two will be here. When I got back she was looking some stuff up on her computer that she brought over with them(odd if you where just coming to give them hugs). She stayed for a while and chit chated. Then the kids started to be really disrespectful of me testing my anger. I handed it very well where I normally would have screamed my lungs out. She didn't really say anything at all when they did this. But when the oldest jumped in on how I was disacplining the youngest and we started arguing a little(teenage boy knows it all). That's when she got up and started to leave. I asked if I could have the kids for an hour or so on Friday to get my tree since I have to work this weekend. And she said sure but she wanted to take them tubing and that night the kids where going to spend the night at her moms for the traditional BIL birthday brunch the next morning with all the grand kids. It sounded like an opening so I asked. Since you don't have the kids would you like to do something with me. She didn't answer but inadvertently changed the subject. So I took it as a no and said good night.

So it still leaves me at no clue what's going on. She brought up MC and didn't finish. Brought up Christmas and didn't finish. I know one thing I'm done asking her to do stuff. That much is clear. I also think I'm going to send a text saying I'll take the kids some other day to get the tree since she has so much stuff going on with them. She is sending mixed signals right know of wanting our family but when I ask to do stuff I get shot down. So let her be in control and shut up and do my thing.

Today's hard enough it's been one year today since my dad died and I miss him so much!

Thank you all!


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
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Hello 3kids. I'm sorry you're in this and that your weekend with your kids didn;t workout as you hoped.

I read about your asking your W to do things with you. I do have some advice that works for me. Make a specific and definite plan to do something on your own or with some friends... like going out to lunch or going out for coffee. Then, you say to W... "Hey, I'm going out for (dinner/lunch/coffee/drinks) (now/at 7pm/at noon) (with bob/mom/kids if someone else is coming with you). Care to join (me/us)?

Then, if she says no, warmly (with no disappointment in your face) say "OK" and then... most importantly... go anyway.

If she does go... only have light conversation. Do not under any circumstances talk about your M or R.

Then, make the time together short and end the time together yourself. Plan something specific and real to do next so you can excuse yourself. "Hey I'd love to stay longer, but I have to (meet/do/go) (somewhere/someone) at (time). I'll see you later."

That way... she starts enjoying no-pressure time with you. You are providing fun and happy memories of you for her.

Have no expectation when you ask. Have no expectations when she goes with you. Have no expectations during the time you spent together. And, most important, have no expectations for (hugs/kisses/next meeting) when you leave. Her her lead on all those things.

This works.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
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Now this is just a thought. Although negative it's just a thought. Today I had to deposit money into her account because she paid bills and over drafted. She needed gas so she had to stay at school until I got off work to deposit money into her account(child support check that she is now going to rip up). We talked about her bad day at school and work. We talked about how her work is messing with on her work schedule. On working doubles and such. How she is seriously thinking about choosing one or the other. Because doing both is to hard. How she can't afford Christmas presents and every thing. How school changed a test time on her and now she can't work which hurts her. How now her work is not going to give her double time work on Thanksgiving. And we already told the kids that they where going to spend the night at my house until Thanksgiving after noon. Now she gets to sit home alone on Thanksgiving and not have Thanksgiving dinner with any of her family. Then she started crying really hard and said she had to go and thanks for listening.

My point being this how can one person be so sad and miserable. And not see her happiness right in front of her. Is life with me really that bad to not even want to TRY. Wow do I suck or did I really hurt her that bad. Are my changes not that good enough. Just don't understand.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
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Separated 3/14
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I may have just set my own fate!

She just called and said we are go for Thanksgiving. Her work found her hours to work. I told her great. She was driving to school to take a test and I told her to drive careful. The roads are bad here in Minny. I asked if was still ok if I take the kids in Friday to cut down our tree. She said fine, because she was going to take them tubing but it's to much money. So she's not going to do it. It's a really cool tree place that has Santa flying in on a helicopter and wagon rides and every thing. So I said if your not doing anything your welcome to join. This is when she said that it's all very hard. And I said would you like me to stop asking you to come with us on stuff because if it's to hard and you just don't want to say no, I can stop. She said that's just it. But there's more if you where my friend I could talk to you about it but your not your my husband. And I said what does that mean. She said well it has to do with OM. He is not somebody I want to spend the rest of my life with, I know that but there's more. I said, I thought you ended it with him. She said I did but there more to it(like it's not over). I said I'm sorry I thought you ended it. In that case I will just stop asking. She said don't get mad. I said I'm not mad, trust me I'm not mad. I will just stop asking to do stuff with you. Good luck on your test today, I will see you when we exchange kids tonight. Have a good day.

So she hasn't ended it totally or at all. Only person I can control is me. And if she is still choosing to have OM in her life, that is her choice. So I will just stop asking her to be part of my life. I might have just hung myself but at least she knows where I stand. Even if it's by myself and with my kids. This totally explains the last couple of weeks. I am sad and angry right now and hurt. I wish her the best of luck in life. Time to make the best christmas I can for me and the kids! First enjoy Thanksgiving!


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Hey 3kids. I know this hurts. Try to focus on the good things she said...

"your my husband"
"He is not somebody I want to spend the rest of my life with."
" I said, I thought you ended it with him. She said I did.."

So it's may not be what you think. She could want to tell you how conflicted she is. It's all just mind reading and you just don't have mental energy for that.

The fact is, it means nothing has changed... Your W is still conflicted... still trying to make a good choice... and she still wants to connect with you just doesn't trust if she should. So, keep being the better choice. DO NOT keep brining up the OM. Just be bigger than him... dismiss him from your mind. When you really start feeling this way, your W may see this... you as the more solid and secure choice. I make the same mistake constantly. We both have to stop... jealously and anger is not attractive to our Ws.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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When things go bad they go bad.

The wife had the kids tonight and asked if I would come over to go through the Christmas stuff to split up. So it was a hard night splitting up ornaments. It was going really good she was showing closeness and flirting with me. Then I got a text from BIL asking to stop over and have a beer for his birthday. Then it when it horribly bad from there. It's clear she is undesided about everything.

Then I think I shoved a big old foot in my mouth. She asked why her brother was texting me and not her. And I said well I could take the kids home and we could both go and she said she had to work other wise she would. Me and the kids got ready to go and she asked if I was going to still go over there and I said yes because he invited me. She said with the kids? I said sure why not. Then she got really mad and said that is her family not mine and stay away from them. Get your own family. And I said you can't stop me from being friends with your brother, he is my friend and always will be my friend and family. That's when she said I knew you couldn't change about being close minded. Only your way and never change. Going to do what you want and never care about anything else or any one else. She made a big deal how it was her family and she wouldn't talk about why it was so important that I stay away from her family. Especially with the kids. I told the we never talk about her and they where just my friends. She made a fit about she didn't need anyone. It ended bad where she wouldn't talk anymore and ways crying really hard. I left by saying that I think both our emotions are running high because of splitting up Christmas stuff and maybe we should talk later when we calm down.

I don't feel good about this.


M36/W30
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That really s*cks that happened. It must have been very hard considering things were gong kinda well. Good that you know you put your foot in mouth. With her first "why did bro call you" question... What if you had said "you're probably right about that." I can see how it would bother you." In my house. I get invites to fight too. This is something I'm better at... Diffusing them by validating without agreeing. She'll be back to flirting with you soon enough. Maybe don't bring this up to her. Maybe validate her feeling if she does and move on. Good luck

Last edited by HPoirot; 11/27/14 12:37 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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Thank you so much I needed that.

I'm going to right some stuff to focus on instead of the bad.

She said she ended it with him.
Called me her husband.
Has talked about MC.
Has said she misses me.
Has said she misses our family.
Told me that all the invites that I offered where just with the kids and not just her.
Told me that if we where to work we need to figure it out with out the kids involved.
Has flirted with me and says she misses my very kissable lips.
Has tried to spend time with me.
Has asked me to do stuff.
Has said she really really wanted to do every thing with me that I've asked but just doesn't want to confuse the kids or hurt them.
Has said that she is not going to move in with OM. Which means she has two choices life with me or an apartment she can't afford.
Has asked about spending Christmas with me.
Has said that OM is not who she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
These are all very positive things and way different from when it was a month ago.

Like Sandi said she is going to go through some stages of getting over OM. I just can't push to hard. I know they are going to meet again when he comes back in town. And I think that is why she is holding back from us. Like I have read before they always want one last good bye to OM. To put an end to it for closure. She knows where her heart truly lies. Other wise she would not be doing or saying all the things lately. So focus on the good things!!!!


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Great list. Yes focus on the good. Just don't push her at all. Not even a little bit. Don't bring up OM and you don't think about him. You have better things to do. And don't expect she knows where her heart truly lies. That is mind reading and does not serve you b/c when she acts differently than you think she should (b/c you think she knows where her heart truly lies) then you will be disappointed and you are likely then to get angry, sad, or otherwise fall off track. Stay out of her head and stay in your "sandbox." Don't assume anything like you did here...

Originally Posted By: 3kids
I know they are going to meet again when he comes back in town. And I think that is why she is holding back from us. Like I have read before they always want one last good bye to OM. To put an end to it for closure. She knows where her heart truly lies. Other wise she would not be doing or saying all the things lately.


That's a lot of assumptions. I know b/c I do this too everyday and I cause myself unneeded pain when I do. (I'm telling you this to enforce my not doing the same.) So, when you're typing here... note when you say "I think" or when you assume what's in your W's mind or are negative writing about your sitch. Then rewrite the sentence to a fact (something your W did) or something positive. It helps me do better when I remember to do that.

Good luck.

Last edited by HPoirot; 11/27/14 03:03 PM.

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Well I either put an end to my marriage or put an end to some cake eating.

So she keeps telling me she has ended it with him kind of sorta. Then came yesterday.

I picked up the kids to go cut our tree and have an awesome day. On the way they tell me that they went to a movie with OM and mom. So that's how done they are. Well there went my thinking, so as the day went on and I calmed down. Thought how I would approach her and the convo would go. Had a blast with the kids, Santa and the whole thing, awesome awesome day! Went to drop off the kids and asked her if we could discuss Christmas plans. She said well we could do it tomorrow night and I said no it will only take a couple of minutes. Kids chimed in and said you guys could do it tonight, we are going to grandmas. I said no your moms probably busy tonight, right. She gave a smirk and said yes( this is why she declined me one week ago to do anything last night with out the kids, OM in town). When we got alone I told her how we should do Christmas, I get the kids Christmas Eve with my family and she could have them Christmas morning and if she wanted she could let me have them for a couple of hours Christmas Day or my presents could wait until I get them back on Sunday. Angerly she said that's fine. (She wanted Christmas morning to be us both together and kind of split the presents). I stated if kind of done with OM is still going out with him and my kids. Then we should continue on our same path of divorce and not confuse the kids any with Christmas. (I was not angry or upset just stating a fact). She said I don't need to be told what to do or questioned. I said I am not at all doing either of those. I can only control myself and you control your self. She said he is not anybody that I want to have a life with or move in with or live with. She said there is a right choice I have to make and a wrong choice. There is a way I want to go in life and a wrong way to go in life. I said ok I think I understand then he is the way you want to go and I am the right choice for life. She said that's not what I said. I said I'm sorry I don't understand. She said when I choose to be with you, I won't be able to have a relationship with his mom whom I am very very close to. I said I can't stop you from doing anything. She said but every time I would go to see her you would think I am going to see him. I said that's where trust would come in. She said I don't want to think about this stuff right now. I have two weeks left of school (semester) that are very important to me. After that I have to focus on Christmas, living place, and life(he is back for two weeks). I said that's fine, my intent was not to discuss all of this, just Christmas. Just so you know I will not wait forever for you and I'm going to go back living my life like I should. My intent is not to hurt you my intent is only not hurt my self or my kids. She said I'm not trying to hurt you. What about gifts, we should talk about what each person is getting them. I said they have two house so it's ok if they get the same gifts(sad look on her face). If you choose to actually end it with him then maybe give me a call and we could talk. But until then back to normal for us. Goodnight.

This was not to control her but stop the cake eating. She can't have all the family fun of Christmas and coming over lately and stuff. And still be able to have OM. She is making the choice that if she knows her relationship with him is not going to go anywhere to continue it. She is also making the choice not to be part of my life then. I even told her that it's not to control her and I can only control myself. So the drug got back into her system and she knows it's wrong and won't work but can't give him up. Funny she even talks about dreaming of me lately. Man I hate this roller coaster. I think I'm getting closer and closer to being really and I mean really OK either way she chooses to go. Starting to look forward to my bright future with or without her.


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very nicely done. I'm sorry that's how things are right now. but that was beautiful.


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She believed she could, so she did.
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Thank you very much. I thought maybe I sounded a little weak and a little to dangerous at this phase of our relationship.


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Good job. I want to comment on what you told her, and please understand I am not criticizing, but hopefully give you a little warning.

Now that you have made the speech about not controlling her, only yourself, and all the other DB statements you have gotten off this board, please don't make the mistake of repeating any of it again.

Do you know how many men have posted about using this same little talk on their WAW's,......and almost word for word. It is fine, if you just use it one time. Otherwise, it does sound more like you are repeating something you have read. I'm not saying you did anything wrong (wish you had done this in the beginning), just giving you a tip not to repeat the same statements b/c it sounds too rehearsed and written by a different author. Okay? You know how you feel when watching someone pantomime someone's song? Make sure it is your voice and your words she hears, and not someone here on the board or out of a book.

It's like when newcomer LBH'S read about boundaries. Then suddenly they are like a parrot repeating stuff about their boundaries until it loses it's authenticity. A WAW may be wayward and in a fog, but there is one thing she knows very, very well.......and that is her H. She knows if that is really you talking.

I am sorry your family is having to deal with this stuff during the holidays. (I have experienced some bad Christmas's in the past.) We do survive. It can cause us to get better perspective on the true reason for celebration of the season. I pray for you and the children. I believe you will do your best for them, and what more is there.....but your best.

I noticed the positive note at the end of your post. I think it shows you have grown through the pain.


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Thank you so much Sandi. To hear you say good job means I handled it pretty good. You have been so accurate on a lot of stuff, it truly means something to me. I think she is so close to coming to her senses and the silver tongue fox drags her back in. It's so frustrating!


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I was wondering Sandi if you have anymore advice or what is coming next?

The reason I ask is I still remember something you said. You said something to the affect that they won't come out of the fog until she feels some sort of loss or reality of the situation hits her. With Christmas coming up, I have to think this might be the most real thing that will ever hit her. You have to understand how important this holiday is to her. She looks forward to this holiday all year long. She loves every part of it. Most of all the kids and there presents. You really have no idea. I think in the next couple of weeks is going to be really important. So I was wondering if there is anything I should do or shouldn't do or she's going to do?


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Well, I am a firm believer in the wayward W getting a good taste of her new reality. Many men will not sacrifice (as they see it) one Christmas for the sake of having many more happy ones in the future. Based on what you told your W, you are prepared to have the kids Christmas Eve and she will have them the next day. I think that is good. She wants you there the next morning b/c she wants it to feel like a "normal" Christmas morning. But it is not a normal Christmas, is it?

There could possibly be other family functions throughout the holiday season that may prompt her to give you an invitation, but IDK. My advice would be to decline b/c you have made other plans. Now some people suggest going and really shining to show her the new you. Since OM is still strong in the picture, I would not do it. I think she would notice you more by not being there. When she knows you will be there, she goes with her walls up and her attitude stuck out.

The "loss" will probably be something private. You may never know about it. I don't think the H should try to cause her loss to hit her in the face. To me, his part is to not enable her, and let life take it from there.

Most people assume the loss of home and family life, or having the kids full time would be a natural loss. Not necessarily so, but like I said, you may never know.

For me, my world came crashing down when my daughter told me she knew everything. Then she told my son, and I don't really know if anyone else in the family knew or not. I was afraid to find out. My loss was knowing that everything I ever stood for, every class in church I ever taught, (not to mention instilling values in my own children), my good reputation, EVERYTHING I had devoted my life to was suddenly shot down. And I provided the bullet. I was mortified and felt my life was ruined forever. At that moment, I had no words. I could not blame my H or things in the past. It was mine to bear alone. That is when my fantasy world started blowing away like ashes in the wind.

So you see, my H had nothing to do with it, yet my loss came. And I want to point out that the timing was just right. I had began to see some little slip ups in OM. I had began looking for someone to talk to me (thus finding this board). So I had read about the PEAs, and had been given excellent advice from some fantastic people on the board. So everything was coming together for that fateful day when my D confronted me. What she said was with so much love. No judgement showed on her face or in her words. When she was through I did say one thing about my H. "Do you think he still loves me?"


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Thank you so much Sandi reading your post lifted my spirtes so much you have no clue. Yesterday I worked a fifteen hour day so I was exhausted when I got home. Crawled into bed and just layed there thinking. Not a good thing. I was thinking about every thing. Did I do the right thing, did I just push her into his arms. Did I wreck any chance I have. Stupid thinking when this happens I wish my brain would shut off. My question is, I know I'm not suppose to believe some stuff. But when she talks like that, she knows what is right and wants to be with me. Asks questions about how it would work if we tried to work it out. Tells me that it will never work with OM and she now has no plans of ever living with him or buying a place together with him. Calls and tells me that she is done with him(at that point she was but the drug kicked back in). Should I believe her? Should this give me some more hope?

This is what comes to my mind. She knows it won't work with him for some reason(his family,her family,kids,housing,money who knows). She still has feelings for me. This drug is not going to go away easy. She wants to cut it off with him but can't. Has told me I'm the missing part in her life. Even when it's with him and the kids or just her with the kids or just her, I'm missing. But when it's just her and him she is some what happy but thinks why couldn't husband do this. Do I believe all this or not? That is the huge question! How long do I hold on to hope?


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Well this is my emotions talking but I have to get it out. They spent the whole weekend together. The family finally got to meet OM at the brunch and every thing. She went to her work with him and the kids and did a bingo thing with all the old people. The oldest friend got to meet him. A lot of firsts with OM. It's been 10 months and it all finally happened. I wouldn't be to surprised if


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I wouldn't be to surprised if he doesn't come to the oldest holiday concert tomorrow night. If he does I know what I have to do. It time for the divorce papers. I won't be able to take it. That's just to much pain. I guess the last couple of weeks just where all talk. And meant nothing. I'm very very sad tonight. At least if I get the divorce going I could get my child support correct and I could stop paying on her insurance. I have tried so hard. But at least I tried. I'm very very scared for the next chapter in my life but she's making the choice for me. I guess that's why she said in the last convo that if she ends up alone that's what happens. She has a plan and I'm not in it. The pain is just to much anymore and I know divorce is not the answer but at least it will give me some direction to my new life. Man feel like garbage! God please help me!


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I wanted to thank you all for the past six months!

I fought a good fight. But the end is here. I thought long and hard last night. Had a talk with the kids. Told them that I'm very sorry for ever making them feel bad when they talked about Chris the OM. Turns out they kind of like him. They where just putting up a front for dad to not try to hurt my feelings. He is a nice guy but with some very strange behaviors. I can't stand in the way of my wife's happiness. This guy makes her happy. And he is nice to my kids. So I'm not going to hold hope anymore and let them be happy. She is obviously hurting because I still hold on. And that's not fair to her.

So the plan is I'm going to fill out all the divorce paperwork and give it to her after the holidays. I would do it sooner but I don't want to wreck Christmas for her. I can't thank you all enough for always being there for me. In January it marks one year of this all. I hope you all the best through your holidays! Good luck to you all!


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I feel for you. This is a hard step. One that I don't know if I will ever be able to make. I am not sure if it is the right thing to do but who ever knows. Hopefully other people that have gone through this may be able to chip in any advice.


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Why do these women not listen?

I talked to a close friend today about my Christmas plans and he liked them. Except he said maybe I should reconsider the Santa idea. He said yes there should be two Santa's but he said maybe me and her should talk about what each is getting for them from Santa. That way Santa doesn't buy the same gifts for two houses, no kid is going to want that. Parents that fine for the same gift but Santa is special. I had to agree, these kids are already going through so much.

So tonight at the concert I told the wife you are partially right(I was surprised no OM at concert). We should at least talk about what each person is getting them from Santa. And SHE asks me are we doing more than one Santa. I wanted to just shake her, are you serious I know I have said this about three times now. But I didn't. It's like she just doesn't listen to me when I talk.


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What progress have you made on YOU since January?

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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PM if your talking about my negative comment. I was just saying she just isn't getting it that Christmas is going to be separate and two Santa's. It's like she doesn't want to believe it.

As far as me, I think I've come a long way. I don't get as angry as I use to, getting very good at controlling it. I am doing very good at handling all the things a husband should handle. Like insurance, housing, finances. I have made huge strides on relationship qualities. People are coming to me for advise. Father wise I was always a great dad. But I've really tried to be even better. By giving each kid personal time and finding each ones love language. There is two things I still struggle with close minded, like it's my way or no way. Also getting out and meeting new people and friends. I do do a ton of new stuff but connecting on a friend base is hard. I call all my friends all the time but it just seems like no one every calls me to do anything. Frustrating.


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I just wanted to say one more thing that frustrates me. Me and the wife had the discussion about Christmas and times. She had them all weekend and I know that it was on the kids mind because they had been asking me about Christmas times every day before that. They know we where going away from them to discuss Christmas on Friday. But yet she still did not talk with them about it. That was one of the first things they discussed with me on Sunday night. Who's going where and what times. Why is she avoiding it? These little people matter, they don't need to be left out in the cold about it. This is a very important time for them. That's fine if she wants me to talk to them but don't tell them that you don't know. How frustrating.


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You're right about that, she should have told them. Deduce 5 points from her account and here's your medal of Father of the Year. Now what?

Be a good dad, don't judge or try to control her. No, the kids are not going to be scarred for life because they waited a couple of days to hear the Christmas plans a month in advance. Be wary of your own tendency to say or think "It's for the good of the kids!" It looks to me like you're looking for reasons to blame her. She'll be a different parent and, heck, you want her to be at home and be a mom to your kid, so she can't be that bad. My W does a few things I don't approve of with the kids, but nothing that really puts them in danger. And I certainly do things she wouldn't approve -- I myself think I could often do better. The S does not give you the right to set the standard higher than ever. Be kind and understanding: she's going through a hard time and the reason she didn't share the Christmas plans with your kids should be fairly obvious to you: it's painful. You've explained to us how important is Christmas to her. Accept, with love, that she's going through a hard time herself and is probably avoiding the difficult parts. She doesn't have your (our) motivation to do things right.

Try to have more empathy for her. It's something you'll need in a M anyway, so this is a good time to practice.


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Thanks Mozza!

I totally am not thinking of her and her hard times. I guess I'm still hurt that she thought about us trying to work it out and then jumped right back to OM. Your right I need to take her situation into consideration. I'm sure she is conflicted and hurt by all this. And this is not easy for her. I need to have more empathy for her right know. I lost that in the last few days. This women is still battling depression and anxiety. Along with the holidays and the situation. And I do really still care about her. Be the better person.


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Originally Posted By: 3kids
As far as me, I think I've come a long way. I don't get as angry as I use to, getting very good at controlling it. I am doing very good at handling all the things a husband should handle. Like insurance, housing, finances. I have made huge strides on relationship qualities. People are coming to me for advise. Father wise I was always a great dad. But I've really tried to be even better. By giving each kid personal time and finding each ones love language. There is two things I still struggle with close minded, like it's my way or no way. Also getting out and meeting new people and friends. I do do a ton of new stuff but connecting on a friend base is hard. I call all my friends all the time but it just seems like no one every calls me to do anything. Frustrating.

It really sounds like you are making progress on becoming the man you want and need to be. I applaud you for putting forth the effort in a difficult season of your life, but most importantly your recognition and willingness to look introspectively and respond.

Originally Posted By: 3kids
PM if your talking about my negative comment. I was just saying she just isn't getting it that Christmas is going to be separate and two Santa's. It's like she doesn't want to believe it.

If I may be candid, what prompted my question was reading through your posts from November and comparing them to your posts back in July (when you started giving details of your sitch). In short, I don't see much of a difference with regards to how you emotionally react to your W. It seems you are very much still on her roller-coaster, and there is no better advice - still, as it was in July - to work to DETACH from her and get off of that roller-coaster.

I don't mean to rub your nose in that and hope you can take it as me trying to alert you to what I see based on what you post. Instead of me posting direct examples (I can if you would like), try reading back through your posts just from the month of November and do two things:

1) Compare them to your posts starting back in July and see if you can tell a difference in how you interact with W. You still seem to hang on her every word, her daily mood, her actions in general and specifically towards you.

You need to do the right things, be an honorable man, be a man only a fool would leave. What she does, how she is feeling, how she treats you DOES NOT MATTER IN HOW YOU CONDUCT YOURSELF. You are going to do what you need to do. You are going to lead your family forward, and she is welcome to join you if she likes.

On the contrary, what I read is that if you reach out and she rejects your invitation, then you are going to stop reaching out. But that only lasts until (I presume) she warms up to you; you then keep reaching out and going against what you have been advised to do and seem to intellectually accept as the "best" approach (based on your replies to said advice here in your thread).

Subsequently, she mistreats you in some way, whether that is further rejection or, now, the reemergence of the OM, and you are angry and "done" (and I understand you feeling that way).

The problem with this is that your actions are extremely dependent upon her actions. That is an emotionally weak posture to have in your relationship and a sign of emotional immaturity/insecurity/codependency. This should not be the case. The answer? DETACH! DETACH! DETACH!

Which brings me to my second question for you:

2) How many of sandi's 37 rules are you still not adhering to? Yes, you have made significant progress on some, but it appears you are still breaking many of them, yet you are flummoxed as to why your W is acting a certain way and you are still seemingly living day to day, moment to moment.

-----
I hope that if you are able to see this it may prompt you to further look introspectively at this particular relationship in your life and act accordingly. You are making good progress in some areas. Continue to put the work in and you will yield the results.

Lastly, I hope you don't see me as attacking you by throwing stones. I am being honest with you based on what I see in hopes it may shake you up to realize that you seem to be neglecting an extremely important aspect of recovering from this life event, healing in a healthy way, and moving forward in life as the man you want to be. I see your timeline. I have been in your shoes. Don't make the same mistakes I made. The longer you put off confronting your issues, the longer the healing process takes and the less of a chance you have to save or restore your M.

My humble $0.02.

-PM

P.S. Some notes I carried around in my wallet based upon information I gathered on this forum:

- Do not pursue
- Give her SPACE
- Do not talk about R unless she brings up and let her drive the conversation
- Act "as if"
- Be cheerful, strong, confident, outgoing and attractive at all times!
- She is in the castle, you are on the picnic blanket
- NEVER lose your cool
- Do not respond emotionally to anything
- Do not argue with her feelings
- Look her in the eyes and LISTEN
- Just be yourself
- NEVER give up
- Stay grounded - her happiness may not be a good sign for R
- Be there for her no matter what
- Patient Endurance
- Be an honorable man
- A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits.
- Being needy is not attractive
- Welcome her openness; be guarded with yours
- ALWAYS have HOPE; NEVER have EXPECTATIONS
- You can only control YOUR actions
- The more she dislikes you, the easier her decision to leave is
- Do not temperature check the R
- Be a man only a fool would leave
- Regain her respect
- Build attraction
- Fulfill her emotional needs (when given the opportunity)
- Detaching is not withdrawing
- Tears may come from guilt and not true love
- Do not fuel her fire
- Dealt some lousy cards? Play them well!
- Keep the road paved home smooth
- Validate her feelings
- Happiness comes from within
- Anger is your enemy
- Made a mistake? Move on
- Show that your interested in her, but don't need her

Last edited by PatientMan; 12/03/14 06:28 PM.

M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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Quote:
This is what comes to my mind. She knows it won't work with him for some reason(his family,her family,kids,housing,money who knows). She still has feelings for me. This drug is not going to go away easy. She wants to cut it off with him but can't. Has told me I'm the missing part in her life. Even when it's with him and the kids or just her with the kids or just her, I'm missing. But when it's just her and him she is some what happy but thinks why couldn't husband do this. Do I believe all this or not? That is the huge question! How long do I hold on to hope?


The addiction is powerful. How long this will go on is anyone's guess. How long you hold on to hope is entirely up to you. If the two of you get D and she should decide to M the OM, then I hope you won't keep hanging on, b/c that would seem like such a terrible way to live out your life. Till then, we don't know what may happen. Does she still have feelings for you and miss you like she says? Probably to some degree, however, the addiction to the A has a stronger pull on her right now. Who knows what may happen through this month to change her direction.

BTW, you sounded as if you were making your goodbyes earlier. I hope you will continue to stick around a while longer.

So sorry you are going through this pain.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I wanted to reply to PM and Sandi and I will. But first just to let you know I talked to two close friends last night and today. One telling me time to move on it's almost been a year and nothing has changed. Time to find someone that makes you happy again. The other telling me to give it some more time. Heck she just two weeks ago was talking about MC. So what if other man jumped back in. He will jump right back out if you let him mess up again. Just give it some more time maybe till the house sells and she is forced to either start her life with him or come to her senses. Let her be the person to end it, your not that type of person anyways.

I think I'm going to listen to the friend and my self that says keep hope alive. For one happiness comes from with in. Also I checked with my lawyer and I can't file since she has already started the process. Ha ha ha

Last edited by 3kids; 12/03/14 10:39 PM.

M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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PM thank you!

1- I only persued when she showed signs of maybe working it out. My mistake.
2- I don't call or text unless about kids. I did yesterday because I wanted to see if she wanted both support checks at once for Christmas. I was thinking of the kids. I slipped and said that Christmas was defentaly going to be different and she agreed.
3- I don't
4- I don't she comes to me.
5- I failed the month of November because she showed signs of maybe working on us.
6- never do
7- a little last month but other wise never
8- I don't
9- I did when she asked me and I should have let her come to me. I did in the couple of months prior and it showed in her actions.
10- I don't
11- I never have since the start
12- I was for August, September, and October. November was terrible. I have to get back to that.
13- I am again. November when OM came back in I didn't.
14- I am busy and I do. But have bad days.
15- she always starts now.
16- I never ask about her. She always asks me.
17- I did until November. Back on track now.
18- I control my emotions around her pretty well.
19- slipped twice on this when OM came back in the picture.
20- she leads all talk on this.
21- she did once in November when we where splitting Christmas stuff. Very emotional night. Sucked for both of us. Wish that on no one with kids. We both said sorry.
22- I don't
23- I did in one sentence in November. She was talking how OM is not who she wanted to be with and stuff and I said then why would you continue with him. And she said you don't understand.
24- I try, I don't make contact until she does.
25- I validate the best I can. She has even made comments on this how thank you for careing and listening even thought I don't have to.
26- when around her I do on this forum I don't.
27- I try
28- I do
29- consistant on most
30- I did when she showed signs. My mistake.
31- I don't
32- I try not to
33- I try not to
34- I don't
35- I haven't
36- I do
37- again November was terrible

The tuff part about my detaching is that there is two hard spots for me. For one I was the one who had it his way or the high way. So if I really act like that it's not changing me. The second is that I was not there for her emotionally. I didn't listen I didn't talk. I was more of just do it this way and get over it. So it's hard for me to draw the line sometimes. You are right about reaching out, I messed up there. She sucked me back in with showing some signs of working out. And I feel hook line and sinker. I got to pushy about asking to do stuff and messed up. It was just the first time she had said anything about MC since she paused the divorce back in July. When she shows signs of maybe working, I get all excited and forget everything. I just see one thing, the thing I wanted this hole time. Just a shot at our marriage. Control and every thing else go right out the window. I showed to much and it probably hurt me.

Thank you for your replys if there's more I can work on let me know please!


M36/W30
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Bomb 1/14
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Thank you Sandi!

I was saying my goodbyes. I was just so hurt and wanted it all to stop. Keeping hope is a painful thing. I'm a very emotional guy. I can field dress a pheasant, and rip a part a house or car. Or even cut the tip of my finger off and not bother me. But I see pain in some one or on a movie or my heart hurts and I cry. Just how I am. I thought at that moment if I could just start the divorce, I could start to move on emotionally. But I'm just that person that holds on to sad emotions for a very long time. The other hard part is that I just can't picture us divorced yet. We where to close gone through to much. Getting to that point is very hard. I know the only thing that will ever get me that is if I meet OM. We even talked about that one night a couple of weeks ago. She was saying a can't believe you have never seen him. And I said nope and never want to meet him. She asked just curious why not. I said if I meet him it will be the end. And she agreed and said I never want you to meet him either. So if I really wanted to end it emotionally for me I know what I have to do. So after divorce I won't keep hanging on.

Thank you so much Sandi!


M36/W30
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Bomb 1/14
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Oh I forgot to mention one thing that I wanted to say. On Thanskgiving her mom sent me a text(I haven't seen her or talked to her in a couple of months so it was out of the ordinary). Remember this is when the wife still kind of wanted to work it out. He text said happy Thanskgiving I love you. I sent back happy Thanskgiving miss and love you very much. Her reply fueled me some in my hopes. "Way to make a girl cry on Thanskgiving. I pray daily that one day soon our family will be back together again. I miss you and love you very much." So this kind of fueled my expectations and emotions.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Originally Posted By: 3kids
I think I'm going to listen to the friend and my self that says keep hope alive.

I think that's very admirable. I also think that if you aren't sure, then err on the side of not giving up. All may not agree with that, but giving up is something you can't take back and may regret. I don't come across too many people sticking it out because they thought it was the right thing to do and regretting that decision.

'Hope' and 'Expectations' quite naturally come welded together in your mind. The key to success for a hopeful stander is the ability to wield your mental acetylene torch and separate the two, having hope without expectations.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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PM thank you so much for making me go back through my posts. I just noticed some things very interesting. Every time before OM comes back into town, one or two days, she try's to start a fight with me. Sometimes successful and some times not. If she does succeed there is no contact the whole time he is here. If she doesn't she tried to make contact. The week before he comes back every time she gets very emotional and upset. Whether it's missing the kids or life or whatever. During this time if I go no contact she gets very angry, if I answer some she becomes more curious. Just a pattern I've noticed with her and it's like clock work. With me it's the same, my pattern is if I do get sucked into the fight I start thinking more about her. If I don't, I start feeling better and moving forward. Just some thoughts I wanted to put down before I forgot.


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How are you doing, 3Kids?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi all been awhile so I thought I'd jot some stuff down.

Had a great weekend with the kids. Friday went shopping. Got new basketball shoes for the oldest and some other stuff. Watched some movies. Saturday we woke up made the popcorn and cranberry garland. Went and got some pictures with Santa and ballon animals. Then went to the oldest basketball tournament. As PM would say still think about her actions to much but this stuff bothers me. So I just write it down. Saturday morning the oldest tries to get a hold of his mom to get his basketball jersey for two hours(on his phone). When she finally calls, she calls me and I hand off the phone to the oldest to answer. His comment why the heck is she calling you. So we get the jersey and she tells me she can only make it to one of his games. So sad she use to never miss this stuff for them. Well they did very well against some very big schools. They took second place. Very proud of him. So she sends ME a text after the tournament asking how they did and I tell her. She sends back "I'm so proud of him and awesome job". I didn't reply and I told the oldest. His response was priceless "whatever". Why she can't call him kills me.

On Sunday the kids went with her to the nephews party. I dropped them off and didn't go in. Said my good byes in the car. Went and did my things. Kids came back and said what a horrible grouch mom was. Not just to them but everyone there. Apperantly OM didn't want to go with. And somebody was very upset about it. She dropped the kids off and left. No convo. I thought I seen OM in car and made a comment out loud and the oldest heard me. Sucked back in my anger and apologized to the oldest for my rude comment. The kids tell me about the party and every thing. Then they tell me about how they already know about some of there presents from mom. When I dropped them off she had them laying out still and they seen them. She knew they where coming but didn't bother. I don't know what she's going to do now because some off the presents where going to be from Santa and she will reck it if she still gives them those presents. Her problem not mine. Had to also buy Elf on The Shelf at my house because she is wrecking that for the youngest two also. Not doing anything with the doll and her and OM are being rude and mocking the doll infront of the kids. So I've been really having fun with it at my house. Kids are loving it!

Have been really feeling second best with her so that's been fueling me for the last week. Have been very nice but not a doormat. Every time I do except a call or text or see her, I say to my self I'm not second best to nobody.

Last night got a call from her asking why the furnace was not working. Told her to check a few things. Finally figured out that she ran out of propane again. She made a comment that she would call and get some but if they didn't come tonight she would just come and stay at my place for the night(her family lives a couple of miles away). Inadvertently I threw her comment that she always uses in our convos "I think that would confuse the kids to much". She didn't respond and we said goodbye. I thought it was a great comeback after I hung up. I laughted to myself for awhile. She called this morning to say that they wanted to charge her an extra 200 because she let it go dry twice in a row. And she was not going to pay it. And asked if I could still call because it's still my property as well. I told yes but you live there but I could see what I could do. She said it was very cold last night and a very cold shower this morning. I couldn't help my self but say I think someone probably kept you warm last night anyways. She said just please call and see what you can do other wise I'll have to just take me and the kids, when I get them back, and go live with my mom or stay at your place. I hung up and have been trying to see what I could do. So she calls me again and asks well did you find out anything. I can't afford it so just let me know or I'll let the pipes freeze and move out. Because I can't afford that and Christmas. I said well because of Christmas I can't help either so we will see what we can do. She said AGAIN well if nothing else I'll come live at your place. I said you know you can't because you are with OM. And I'm not going to live like that. She said you have said that a couple of times now. I know this and I wouldn't be with him. I said I'm not going to discuss this any further. I will see what I could do with the propane company and let you know. I know the propane company isn't going to budge, so I don't know what she is going to do. I'm not letting her stay at my house while being with OM. Not going to happen. And we all know she won't just drop him. So we will see what happens.

Me and they kids are having a fish fry tonight supper happy!


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
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Couple of things I see here:

This mess is of her own making and now she's asking you to bail her out. That ain't fair, especially with OM in the picture and her making these choices.

I'm not vet but I'd say THE KIDS could stay with you and she's free to figure out what she's going to do on her own.

Failing that, she's right. If your name is still on the property, and the pipes break and ruin the house, the headache is partially yours; whether or not the responsibility to pay for the propane to keep the heat on is yours or not (and I don't think it should be).


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
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Don't worry she got propane. She called and said I'm a single mom and need propane and they dropped the fee.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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At least she figured out how to fend for herself. Sheesh.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
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Well I spent my last night with the kids for five days at the old house. She got the propane filled by the county for free. But the furnace wouldn't turn on. Since my kids live there, I went over and fixed for them last night. After 3 hours I finally got it fixed. Didn't talk to her to much. A few convos. She apreantly got one of those awesome count down calendars for Christmas, that I've always wanted. There was no heat in the house so she had on twenty layers of clothes, all North Face. I made a comment which I just don't care anymore. "Must be nice to have all those North Face coats and sweatshirts". As I pay for everything for the kids and could barley afford a winter jacket for myself. Frustrating OM buys all this stuff for her yet she complains about money and stuff. I tell the kids time to go as it was way past there bed times. And she gives me a sad face. I say it way past there bed times. And she says yah I thought about that I could of brought them home and put them to bed for you. I said yah it will be fun tonight getting them to bed there all jacked up like they just had a ton of pop. She said sorry. And I said don't worry I've put them to bed for 9 to 10 months by myself and I'm sure I'll put them to bed for the rest of my life like that. She said well that was mean. I said sorry I didn't want it to sound mean. I was just stating a fact. Me and the kids said goodbye and left. She sent a text this morning saying " I really appreciate you helping me last night, thank you!!! I hope you have a good day! :)". I sent back "no problem, your welcome. You also :)". I know what's going on OM is out of town and now she is lonely. So kids will be important and she will call and text me more.

I can't tell a lie I checked my Facebook messages and her sister is coming into town from Texas. She wants to meet up and let me see the kids. Which is great! Then for some stupid reason I looked at the wife's page nothing new on it. EXCEPT she finally changed her status to separated. I can't lie this hurts so bad. Why did I check that? Why do I even put any effort into this if I know I'm going to get hurt by it all. I put to much thought on her when she says stuff about moving in with us and every thing. When she says well I could just move in with you and I say you can't when your with other man. And she says I know and I wouldn't be. No matter what it gets my hopes up that she is still thinking about our family. When reality hits she thinks about us but when OM is around we are nothing. Like the oldest said to me on the way home "when is she going to come out of this dad. She didn't even know I had a basketball tournament this next weekend until I told her tonight. I miss mom." That stuff hurts.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
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Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
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Your daughter misses her real mom. That's just her mother's body possessed by another personality.


Quote:
I made a comment which I just don't care anymore. "Must be nice to have all those North Face coats and sweatshirts". As I pay for everything for the kids and could barley afford a winter jacket for myself. Frustrating OM buys all this stuff for her yet she complains about money and stuff. I tell the kids time to go as it was way past there bed times. And she gives me a sad face. I say it way past there bed times. And she says yah I thought about that I could of brought them home and put them to bed for you. I said yah it will be fun tonight getting them to bed there all jacked up like they just had a ton of pop. She said sorry. And I said don't worry I've put them to bed for 9 to 10 months by myself and I'm sure I'll put them to bed for the rest of my life like that.



Okay, so why oh why did you say this stuff? Are you saying you don't care anymore is why you said it? B/c a blind person could see how it all gets to you. Nobody could really blame you for not liking the situation, but it makes you look kind of pathetic when you make comments like this. You are a better man than to stoop to this level. You talk to her like YOU are the looser. STFU!

You really opened the door if she had wanted to make some hurtful replies to you. You need to start talking and acting like you are a winner in life (not Charlie Sheen kind) but for real. She is the one who is loosing. Can you not see it? She is ADDICTED.

You could have chosen to use this time as an opportunity to shine. But you chose not to......is that what you mean by not caring anymore? If you choose to give up on her and R the M, that's one thing......but don't allow it to leave you talking like a bitter man, b/c you will turn into a bitter OLD man. Who wants memories of a dad who was bitter? Who wants to be friends with anyone like this? Who wants to live his life like that? Not you. You want better.

((3kids)) I know it still hurts. Please do not tell yourself you don't care anymore......and then settle into this slump. Rise above this type of attitude and be the man you are meant to be.

How is the GAL coming?


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Sandi I did really make a good show of it except for those two little comments. All I said in the first comment must be nice to have all those north face cloths. The rest I kept to myself. The second she took as is being hurtful like, we will both be putting the kids to bed alone for the rest of there lives( not together). After this morning thank you from her I did send of an apology for saying the mean comment. I think I was more frustrated that it was my last night with them and I had to fix her furnace(yes I know it ours but OM is there half the time). It was weak but it's a marathon not a sprint. Suck it up that I FU and move on. I am a better man. And I know it! Other wise I wouldn't still be in the picture. My GAL is terrible right now. I am so broke it [censored]. Fighting with insurance(double billing) and Christmas. Barely money to by toilet paper, let alone gas to go anywhere. This week I scrounged up 20 bucks to go bowling and just got invited to a Christmas Eve Eve party with some new friends. I just messed up last night.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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So I get a text at 3:30am from the wife saying "the little one has a fever of 102.7. Poor little guy is so sick. Tomorrow is my last day of regular class so I guess I'm stuck. :(". Now I didn't respond at that time because I thought she is a good mom he is ok, and it's time for her to deal with real life situations. But I did call when I got to work to see how he was doing. And told her to give my mom a call to see if she could watch him for her. She declined. After a bit I remembered the promise I gave her a long time ago to help her out with the kids for college. So I sent a text saying if you need you can drop him off at my work with me. My work is pretty flexible so it's not a problem. And we could leave as soon as I got help in to cover. She replied thanks, I'll let you know.

Do I offer this stuff? Yes I made the promise but she should have to deal with life by herself also.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Not only are you better than stooping to that level to make those kinds of comments, but those comments are is definitely NOT examples of:

1) leaving the road paved home smooth, and
2) you don't have to be a fool to leave someone who makes those types of comments.

Don't fuel her fire with that stuff! Even more importantly, what's done is done. Learn from it and move forward (don't beat yourself up). When you are in a moment like that, consciously realize what is happening to your mind and refuse to allow yourself to go there. In the beginning that may even mean leaving the room or the area altogether to stop yourself. In time, as you gain control of your awareness and emotions, it will become easier to control.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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Well I did end up watching the youngest today. Great day to get out of work and snuggle with the youngest. The wife came over and picked him up. She then sat around for an hour and half. We had a great convo about her school and finals next week. Totally validated and worked on her love language. Nailed it. Found out her next school semester schedule. She made comments on how we should have bought the neighbors house or the other neighbors house. Then she talked about how she could see all our furniture here. And she would do this and that to the place. But then comes back with a comment on how it would be weird to live in a place that I got by myself and we didn't get together. Know I really focused at this point because that is where my close mindedness would have come back. And I think I made the correct comment "that's the great part if we did work something out, I don't have a contract with the landlord so we could always choose a different place." After that part the convo would go good comment to bad comment. She made comments on I assume to much with her and OM. There was even parts where I was holding the youngest and she would rest her hands on my leg or I was hugging him and she come in and almost go for a family hug and pull back and try to tickle him and rest her hands on my arms and hands. Talked about insurance and how my boss was dropping of the stuff today for me to look over. She asked if I wanted to smoke before she left and I did. Of course she asked if I had bowling tonight and I said yes. This part I don't get. She asked about couples bowling and if they have it. I said yes they do why you interested. She didn't say anything smiled and laughed a little. She thanked me for helping her out and we said good bye and she left.

After that convo I feel like I did a month a ago, confused. I'm going to have to go back a month ago on my sich and see if it the same stuff.

Thanks PM I totally see what you are talking about. I was not controlling myself the best I could. And it totally showed. Remember to control myself but forget that bad part happened.


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It was just like a month and a half ago. Except two things she was more depressed and now instead of moving in with OM she is thinking about apartment instead. Both are still living with me and the kids. Except this time she was really looking at the house and where every thing would go and what she would buy to go where. Time to go bowling and make new friends. I wish it was like when I was younger. You would go out make new friends and with in a day or so they would call you and do stuff. Now every one has families.


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You have to stop jumping on every little word, thinking she is implying there is a future together. Why are you so quick to assure her of your willingness? She needs to wonder if you would take her back. She has been a bad girl, but you keep letting her know that it is okay and she can always come home to you whenever she wants.

You put yourself out there in the "always available" lane, and it will turn off a WAW who is/has been in an A. Even if your W and OM broke up, she may not be interested in coming back to "you", as much as she would be interested in what is provided to her. You know, the benefits without the commitment and/or the attraction.

She takes it for granted you would have no problem if she decides to come back.


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So last night I didn't end up bowling on league. But I still went up there and seen all the guys. Ended up staying up there and bowled one game for money and won. Extra cash sweet! Got a call from her but I didn't answer because I was having fun. She actually left a message to give her a call. I got home to late to call, so this morning I sent a text message asking what's up. She called me and told me that the youngest and the daughter where going to stay home again. Said they where up all night puking and coughing. I let her know what I had been doing that was working with them. She said she was calling last night to see if my mom could watch them today so she could go to work. But she just decided that she is going to stay home with them. She commented on how it was nice they came up and snuggled in her bed with her and joked that she is going to get sick now. She complained about the oldest being rude and disrespectful to her(typical teenage boy). We joked about it being his stage and can't get through it fast enough. She asked if I could help her out. She has a cookie exchange with her grandma on Saturday at the same time as the oldest basketball practice. She asked if I could pick him up and she would just grab him when her and the other two are done. (My daughter loves this every year). So I said sure not a problem. It doesn't interfear with my plans. She said thank you and we said goodbye.

The questions I have and probably have asked these a couple of times. Should I decline on this stuff. Let her figure it out. Should I try to stop this carrousel. When OM is in town she doesn't contact me as much. But when he is gone she calls and text more. I don't want to be mean or go dark. It this how the situations work or the process of them wanting what's right. I know the db process is to work on me. And I'm still working on that. But what is the best coarse of action in my phase of situation. Do I keep being less available except with the kids. Keeping convo light hearted and friendly. Answering some calls and texts. Not letting her cake eat.

Thanks as always!
P.s I do have a great weekend planned. Kind of excited.


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Sorry Sandi just seen your post. I totally understand what you are saying. I questioned that myself. I thought by those comments I was keeping the road paved smooth. Not putting up road blocks. By letting her see that she is welcome to join her family as long as OM is out of the picture. Right now I think that is what she thinking of having all the benefits at my home and no attraction with me. I'm confused on this part. Please explain more. Do I just not mention it and brush it off every time she brings it up.


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Forgive me if I am incorrect, but the impression I get from the way you tell your story is that when she brings up reconciliation, you are inclined to remind her of your terms that she is welcome back as long as there is no OM.

If you have told her this, she knows. You don't need to keep repeating it.

Unless she is asking you directly, you don't need to keep repeating it, and even if she DID ask you directly, you don't have to answer candidly. I'm not saying to lie to her, but a little wink and a "I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" may not hurt.

But you asked sandi, so we'll both wait and see what she says.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

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I do not see keeping the road paved smooth as you do. That is making it slick. You don't want her sliding in. You want her to work. B/c truthfully, it is going to take a lot more than just ending her A. Otherwise, she will move on to OM2.

Putting up road barriers would be like getting involved with another woman, going to prison, losing your job/income, causing her a lot of problems out of revenge, punishing or shaming her, and things like that. You are not placing barriers across the road. By contrast, you are putting a neon flashing arrow above your home and having a billboard sign that says you are still available and waiting. But it doesn't make her feel drawn to what you are wanting her to do. It does not work this way, to attract a WAW in an A. However, you have been told all of that in the past.

So, I suppose you will continue doing it the way your emotions dictate, until you get enough and finally decide to do what works. frown


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Just an updat.

Have been really trying to work on my GAL. It's going so so. Have been really busy with the kids and Christmas lately. And insurance!!!! So feed up with it. Finally got to where I'm just waiting on the states answers back to me. This is a huge 180 for me. The wife always handeled this and I just went along with it. Getting my hands in it makes me feel good. Especially since I'm doing all the work. Makes me feel good that I'm taking care of my family.

The wife in the past week has tried to call and text. And sometimes I answer, other times I'm to busy so I don't or don't get back to her for a while. Last week she called to discuss a present that she was getting for the oldest and I politely just said what ever you think is best and changed the subject to insurance questions. Then she tried to go back and tell me that she had to get ideas for the kids presents from her best friend. Because she didn't even know that I had taken them to sit on Santa lap and request stuff. We had another tournament for basketball and I kept our convo short and sweet. And after it was over gave the kids hugs and left in a hurry(like I had some place to be). She was calling and texting every day. In the beginning of this week I had to contact her on some income questions and she asked if I just wanted her to come help me and we could do it all together. I declined and said no I will take care of thank you.

Had my birthday on Wendsday. She let me pick up the kids on her day from school and take them out to dinner. Told me happy birthday and she wished she could enjoy the dinner with us. I didn't offer for her to come with. Mine and kids time. When I dropped off the kids the little one didn't want to stay, wanted to come with daddy. But we got him calmed down. She asked about the insurance and I told her that I got us good insurance but hopefully by January we will have outstanding insurance. I'm still working at it. She started complaining about money and she doesn't have any for bills(she didn't work one day last time OM was home so it's hurting her). I asked about the money we got for selling the playground set(that I built) and if she split it up yet. She did and handed me the money. I asked about the money for the furnace parts that we where going to split up and she got mad and told me that I need to pay for them because I broke them and it's my house. I didn't argue, just said don't worry it's not that big of a deal. She wanted to know how fast I was going to sell a shed that I have on the property because she needed the money. I said I can't this week because I'm really busy but maybe I can get to it this weekend. She was not happy with that answer. But I didn't validate any of her money issues. Not my place anymore. She handed me my mail and a picture. I asked what the picture was for(a drawing of my favorite football team, that has been hanging in the house for a couple of months). She said the daughter wanted you to have it(her and the daughter made it). Maybe an attempt at a birthday present from her, I don't know. I said thank you very much and gave my hugs and left in a hurry. Since the last exchange I haven't gotten one text or phone call from her. Interesting!

I get the kids until Christmas Eve, but I think we are just going to wing the weekend. Daddy is kind of broke, and we have some more shopping to do. So maybe some movies and outdoor stuff. Who knows.

Very very excited I was able to handle the insurance stuff. Big part of taking care of my family and knowing I could handle it. And not being scared of the wrong or right choice I was making for my family. That's always a big fear in my life. Nothing big other than that. I still have half of her important Christmas stuff at my place that she has not even asked for yet, including the kids stockings that she requested(made real fantasy). So we will see where it all comes to.

Thanks every one for making me see what I was doing wrong, and all the great advise and comments. And most of all for caring for a complete stranger! Thank you!


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HAPPY BIRTHDAY! smile


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10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
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Good for you! I think one of my new year's resolutions will be TCB (taking care of business). Hey, if it was good enough for Elvis.....

Quote:
Had my birthday on Wendsday. She let me pick up the kids on her day from school and take them out to dinner. Told me happy birthday and she wished she could enjoy the dinner with us. I didn't offer for her to come with. Mine and kids time.


Happy belated birthday. Good job in not jumping at inviting her to join you for dinner.

Quote:
I asked about the money for the furnace parts that we where going to split up and she got mad and told me that I need to pay for them because I broke them and it's my house.


Well, shame on you for "breaking" the furnace. crazy
She just couldn't bear to part with exactly half of every thing!

Quote:
But I didn't validate any of her money issues. Not my place anymore.


Another good job. You are getting stronger and better.


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I have been really trying to avoid drama with her. So I have to get this off my chest before I explode on some one or to her. Just picked up the kids from school and they seen the presents under the tree from me and are very excited. I said why are you so excited, mom should all ready have presents under the tree. They said no her and grandma where doing ording and making a list last night. I'm thinking to myself there is no way in heck they are getting presents off line in time. I hope these kids have presents! Then I get a text from the wife asking if she can borrow money from me and she will pay me back next week. I said no, I'm sorry I don't have that kind of extra cash right now. It was a lot of money. And she said okay. Not only is she waiting till last minute but she doesn't even have the money. I even gave her all her child support early so she would have enough. She will have to do the one thing she hates and ask family for money. Just so frustrated with her! She better not mess up Christmas for these kids.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I feel better now. Back to my kids and fun.


M36/W30
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You're good. Let her make mistakes and face the consequences of them. You saving the day sets a dangerous precedent.

Your kids will be okay, and you will be okay as long as you don't allow any attempts by her to blame YOU for HER money problems to get through your defensive shield. If she does lash out, it is just in anger that she doesn't know how to handle and direct in an emotionally healthy manner. Be above that.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

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Thanks all of you! I'm not going to try and save the day or anything. I just got off the phone with the wife trying figure out holiday break schedule. And tried to get some more info out of her. Just sad, sounds like she is going to drop out of school so she can work full time. To be able to afford an apartment with the kids. She is going to give up on her dream because of all this. And work a mediocre job that doesn't pay as well. Just really saddens me that she doesn't see what this is all costing her. And what she is giving up for OM. I also can't believe her family is going to let her do that. But maybe they have given up on her as well. I wish I could just smack her in the face and say look what this is all costing you, wake up. But it's her life and I can't. Negative comment but, if this doesn't wake her up from her addiction I don't know what will. Really sad for her right know. To think this person could have it all and is choosing not to. Time to get my mind off her and enjoy my kids again. She said she did want to talk again but me and the kids are to busy today. So we will see.

Thanks every body. And I'm really trying to keep my emotions in check.


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Hi all, just posting because I'm bored at work. Haven't heard from the wife in three days. No texts no calls, not even to the kids. Kids said OM doesn't come into town till after Christmas. So don't know what's up with her. I hope she is really thinking over her choice maybe to quite school, that would be a real shame. To through away that much time and money. I can't lie I'm kinda really worried about her. She is one of those people to fly by the seat of her pants. And to not hear from her or for the kids kinda worries me, on her depression and anxiety. I'm sure her family would call me if there is something wrong with her.

I have been having a great time with the kids. Right now I wish I could talk better with my 12 year old. He is really angry and every word that comes out of my mouth we argue about or he yells about. So I have tried to stop, once an argument starts, I stop talking and he gets mad and goes up to his room. Last night he came out for dinner. The other two kids and I where making cookies and he came out decorated four and went back up to his room. I think this Christmas is really bothering him but he is never one to open up about anything. Wish I could figure out how to talk to him better.

The daughter let out some feelings last night at bed time, which she hasn't done in a long time. She wants to wake up with both of us. But she knows it isn't going to happen as long as mom has OM(her words). Makes her sad.

Even the little guy is acting a little out of sorts. Every night he cries about sleeping with me. I get him to bed and sometime during the night he comes crawling into bed with me. Even he is a little sad. And he is my happy camper always. Maybe it's just the Christmas stuff, it is our first Christmas apart as a family.

Have some honorable man questions for everyone. I paid for all the kids to buy presents for mom and dad like we always did. It's something they like to do and it's pretty cheap. But doesn't this go against buying the wife presents or gifts. Second question is, so I think I have the health insurance all figured out for the family. But if she isn't going to be in school anymore should I just let her figure out her own insurance. That's was one of the main reasons I got her insurance, so she could stay in school. And the third question is this if and when she moves out of the old house and into an apartment. Do I help move her? She is basically living with OM as it is right now. He comes home 11 days out of the month and spends probably most of the time with them at my old house. So I don't want to but unsure how to set that boundary(heck no let your boyfriend move you, when he's home, ha ha joking). She says her next place is just going to be her own and he is not helping. She wants to live on her own with out anybody. But yet he is still there when he is home. That's why she is considering quitting school. Because she can't afford a place on her own with out working full time.

So any help would be great. Thanks for reading!


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I will tell you what I would do, but what do you think you should do and why?

-PM


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Thanks PM, I did decide to pay for all the kids to get presents for there mom. It's more about the kids so it for the best. Made there Christmas better. As far as the insurance I think as for now I'll keep her on the insurance. It doesn't cost me any more to have her on it. If the divorce ever happens then I'll ask her to find her own. As far as her moving that I think I'm pretty set in stone on not helping her. Time for her to put her big girl stuff on. Plus I'm to busy with my new life, right!?!

As far as Christmas went me and the kids had a great time. I don't think I have ever been that lonely like Christmas morning with out the kids. I did like everything else make it through it. The wife doesn't call or text. And I'm kind of getting use to it. Only talks to me in person. She wished she didn't miss any of the family get togethers that we always have. There was a miss communication on time she was supposed to pick up the kids on Christmas Day. So the kids where kind of mad at me because they where supposed to have this big dinner with her before OM came back into town. They where really looking forward to it, as I found out. She did end up doing pretty good with them for Christmas. I was very happy with all the stuff she got for them. She even planned a outing with each of them individual. The oldest and her get to go to a season final football game. Way to go mom! Sounds like she is really starting to put an effort to her and the kids. Like working full time while she is on Christmas break from school. Even though OM is home. Proud of her.

Wish I could figure out my happiness. I really have been struggling to figure it out. Yes my kids make me over happy. But on a personal level I struggle a lot. I also have been struggling to figure out how to deal with my oldest. He has so much anger right now. Yes I know he is a teenager but a lot more is directed at me.

Thanks


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This might be a long post but need to get some stuff out.

Let's start out by saying on Friday, it was not a good day. I didn't have my kids and the day off. I got the house all cleaned and oil changed in the truck. Cleaned the truck, did laundry. Went for a walk. All by noon. I sat down and watched a movie, made myself a drink. And that's when it went bad. I wasn't in the right place to have a drink and they continued. Called my mom crying on how my life [censored] right now. Man I feel like such a weak man after doing that. Ignored a text from the oldest and a call from his mom. Asking some questions about the up coming week. I don't know what they where thinking because she has tickets for today's NFL game with the oldest. And he wanted to go up north fishing for the weekend with his grandpa. Which he couldn't have done with out not going to the football game. I feel like such a heel for not answering the boy. But I just couldn't.

I thought if I could just put some space between the wife and I. I could detach more. Like not answering some phone calls and text. And replying to some at a later time or taking some phone calls. But it's worked the opposite way. She doesn't text or call as much now. And I actually miss hearing from her. I find myself wondering what she or they are doing. And I haven't ever done that. She is really quiet now and doesn't talk much. Except the basics about the kids. Maybe I miss the friendship part, I don't know. Last time she picked up the kids she was wondering about birthday parties for the kids. And I said well you can do your side and I'll have mine. Just like we should do. Like we are going to do for the rest of there parties. Maybe that was wrong I don't know. But we are not a happy family together anymore. And I just got the feeling that's what she was trying to do. She didn't respond, so who knows.

In the books it says try something for awhile and if you don't feel like it's is working stop doing it. Is this working? Not for me because I'm not feeling more detached. Just more empty. I don't know maybe I should do the birthdays together. Just really confused right now.

Thanks 3kids


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Originally Posted By: 3kids
Thanks PM, I did decide to pay for all the kids to get presents for there mom. It's more about the kids so it for the best. Made there Christmas better. As far as the insurance I think as for now I'll keep her on the insurance. It doesn't cost me any more to have her on it. If the divorce ever happens then I'll ask her to find her own. As far as her moving that I think I'm pretty set in stone on not helping her. Time for her to put her big girl stuff on. Plus I'm to busy with my new life, right!?!

That's pretty much exactly what I was thinking regarding your questions:

1) The presents are more about the kids than they are about your W. Let the kids decide and then forget about it completely. End of story.

2) I - as in me, personally - would keep her on insurance as long as we were married, but I wouldn't mention anything to her about the subject. Don't point it out that she's still on, that she has to find her own if she goes through with D, just leave her on and forget about. To me, that seems like the honorable thing to do. She's a grown woman - she knows her actions have consequences and doesn't need warnings from you about it (think about whether the warnings are for her or for you wink ).

3) I would not help her move at all, and would be insulted (or ACT insulted if you don't feel it, because you should) if she asked me to move. Don't have any expectations for her to ask you (as in: don't walk around with a chip on your shoulder), but you've made it clear you don't agree with her decisions (although you must accept and respect them) and you are under no obligation to facilitate them.

Originally Posted By: 3kids
Wish I could figure out my happiness. I really have been struggling to figure it out. Yes my kids make me over happy. But on a personal level I struggle a lot. I also have been struggling to figure out how to deal with my oldest. He has so much anger right now. Yes I know he is a teenager but a lot more is directed at me.

Thanks

Happiness comes from within, not without. Cultivate where it counts.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

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I hope the new year will bring everyone great happiness!

Last night I think I had an epiphoni. God showed me signs and I listened. I learnt a lot about me and my situation and the wife.

First let's start out by saying I haven't been in a good place lately. Been hitting the bottle more than I should have. Had an argument with the wife yesterday afternoon and it got pretty heated. It all started with my oldest going up fishing with his grandpa. I was going to pick him up Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. He called and asked if he could stay up till the afternoon. I said sure not thinking anything of it. But it was exchange time with wife and she got very angry because it totally screwed up her plans of New Years. During the heated discussion I said some mean things to her. Towards her morals and not thinking about the kids. Even let her know that I was hurting. Because of Christmas and New Year's Eve. But that's ok because I was hurting. It was my first Christmas with out waking up with them on that day and also my first New Years with out celebrating with them. But I also let her know next year she will have the same thing. My emotions where high and I did not catch my self and brought up the divorce. How come she hasn't done anything on it yet.

What I realized was that she just wants to play out her fantasy to see if it will work out. She gave me a lot of info that I didn't know. She does not want the divorce. She even said fine you go and get all the paper work and we will do it. This person doesn't want to divorce me. She just wants to have her fantasy and keep me as a back up when it fails. She told me you don't know me and what's in my head. That's why she's not going to move in with him because she just doesn't know yet. She feels like I'm avoiding her by not calling her back or answering her texts. She made a comment that I'm not thinking of her anymore.

What this means to me because god showed me is. After all my attempts to go out last night. I didn't because I was drinking. So I dumped all my alcohol down the drain. It kept me from enjoying the night. With her I am avoiding her. I can answer the phone and just keep it short and simple and act like I'm busy. I can tell that by the phone convo today. I knew the kids forgot there snow pants at my house. So I put the spare key back for them. She called and I answered. She asked if she can run over and grab them. I said I'm not home but the kids know where the spare key is. She said oh your at work(mostly when I answer her phone calls). I said no and the kids know where they are and nicely hung up.

I'm not focusing on me and my kids right now and I need to. I bought a book today. Codependant no more, and I'm really excited to read it. I thought of a ton of activities that I want to try for me and the kids. Got my hands on a community guide book for cheap ideas.

For the first time in a month. I feel control coming back and I like it a a lot. Yes I messed up with the angry convo with the wife but it's over. Move on!

Unsure on how I should handle the boys birthdays. Do I try to keep them seperate. Her do her thing and I do the same. Or do I show the confident man and say sure we can have a dinner with them.

It's a new year and a new 3kids! Looking forward to it!


M36/W30
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Great bounce back, wishing you a great year ahead.

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Today something happened and I just want to jot it down.

Last night the wife dropped off the kids. I was in a great PMA mode. I was reading codependency no more. And it was starting to hit home. Anyways she dropped them off and we said hello. I said thanks for bringing all there snow stuff. And ended it. She just stood there. I asked every thing ok and she said yes and left abrubtly. I started to play with the kids and my curiosity got the best of me. I sent a text asking if she was ok. She said no but hopefully she will be. Just ask the kids I'm sure THEY will tell you. I said they told me you fell and hurt your self are you ok. She said yes but I'm dealing with other issues. I said as long as your ok and have a good weekend. She said I hope I will be ok thanks you careing enough to ask means a lot.

Well I didn't ask the kids. As the night went on the kids started telling me about this terrible cabin that they stayed at with mom and OM. Nasty writing lover the walls and just a scary place. Then they said that OM blew up and they didn't get to stay the whole time and mom was crying. Apparently the youngest two were kind crying because it was cold and scary and they where not having fun anymore(old type of cabin with wood stove in the woods and run down). And he snapped at every one and said that they where leaving in a very mean way. The wife even told the kids something to the extent that at least she still had them. I didn't understand that part.

Thoughts raced through my head as I went to bed about this mans anger. If he ever touches my kids on what I would do. And what I could not do because I would be in jail then. I got my self calmed down and finally fell asleep.

Then came to day my sisters husband and son took us out ice fishing. We had a blast. Caught some fish and headed to the wife's brothers kids birthday party. This party I didn't get invited to but the kids did. When the wife dropped of the kids I asked about the presents for them. And she said I didn't buy any. I held back my anger and said no problem. I thought to my self it's still my nephews and I love them. I was just going to drop off the kids and presents at the party because it was a family party on her side. I get a phone call when we get done with fishing from her brother saying that if I wanted to stay I could because the wife is not coming. I told him we will see. I was really looking forward to it. All the family that I miss and so truly love. But when I got there I just couldn't stay. I watched the kids open the presents and left. It just felt so uncomfortable. Not just for me but it seemed like everyone there was uncomfortable with me being there. Her mom and dad could barely look at me. Let alone start a convo with me. Some of the other family where fine. I just miss the norm with them. I did keep a good PMA during the 15 minutes I was there but when I left I almost started to cry. Her family was such a big part of my life. Just really sad about that.

Get the kids back in an hour and back to having fun with them and some friends of mine tonight.


M36/W30
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I was told by my DB coach that an affair is ultimately a fantasy. I am beginning to understand this now.

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There is a great deal of " fantasy" associated with an A. However, I would caution anyone to put a timeframe on said fantasy. The A may last for 3 months, 3 years or lead to marriage and last 30 years. That's why it's do important to take the focus off your spouse and OP. The A will last as long as it lasts and it doesn't mean that there won't be another. I don't say that to be harsh- just honest.



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Hi all just a report in. The new 3kids is here. I have been doing really well. Have got all the focus on me and my kids. I am personally really looking at all my flaws. And focusing on what I want to do in life. Laughing more because it make me feel good. A coworker even commented how my attitude has changed.

Here all along I thought I needed friends to make me happy but it doesn't. The other night I asked a bunch of friends to go with me to a sportsman show and they all couldn't for some reason or another. Normally I would just not go then. Then I looked in the mirror and the old me would go no matter what. Because he wants to. So I did and had a ton of fun. Found a bunch of fun stuff to do with the kids this spring, summer and fall.

As for the wife who knows doesn't really matter she's doing her thing. We don't really talk anymore. Less available right. I answer when she calls and keep it short. But not all the time.

We have a couple of buyers on our old house. So that sounds great. One is cash so hopefully that will keep the bank happy for the short sale. The realtor told me by the beginning of March it will be sold. Awesome!

Then I talked to the wife tonight. It was like 6:30 and she asks what are you doing. I had stopped at a book store looking for anger management. But I just told her I stopped at a store real quick. Of courses she tells me she has 90 days minimum for the short sale to go through. For her to move out and figure out what she's doing. Where normally I would have jumped in and offered her our home. I just stated that's good. And she kind of got miffed that I didn't respond to the way she wanted. Then she went into how we have to finish splitting up stuff. I laugh to myself because the only things to split up are the lawn mowers. Who gets the ridder and push. Every thing else is done with. My youngest wanted to talk with me and tell me he loved me. And she's in the background telling him to give the phone back to her mid sentence of him talking to me. The reason being my oldest wanted me to take him to the batting cages tonight. I tell her to tell him it's not going to happen tonight but we will get there. SO THIS WHAT SHE TELLS HIM " your dad can't tonight he is on a date". I didn't react in an angry way but boy did I want to. I just said don't tell my son that I'm on a date when I'm not. Nock that off. I asked her to please email some house stuff and told her to have a good night. That was just plane childish. I know she's wondering what I'm doing in my life but don't tell my child that I'm on a date and thats the reason I can't take him to the batting cages. Madddddd!

Oh well let it go. Move on. That's my new life goal!


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
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3kids,

Wow, that was uncalled for by her. Talk about some insecurities. Not to mind read, but for her to say it, she must have been thinking about it. You handled it much better than I would have.

My W has been telling lies similiar to this to everyone that will listen. Fortunately, that's not too many people anymore because the ones that know me know it's all bull. It was amazing thing she's said about me even before BD.

Last edited by MCS; 01/11/15 08:32 AM.

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IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
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Mcs, that was very childish. Oh well if my kids want to talk about it, they will ask. I didn't put to much thought into it. It's was on her time and if the oldest wanted to go that bad he should have just asked his mom to take him. He knows I'm not dating anybody and would never choose a women over him.

As for her she was just temperature checking. I'm sure she wanted me to reassure her that I'm not dating. But unlike normal I didn't let her know that. She doesn't need to know anything about my personal life. And I of hers. Let her think what she thinks. I think it's maybe good that she thinks that. Maybe loosing me might be good. Who knows? It's not going to affect my PMA!

Thanks,
3kids


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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I have a question for anyone. To see if there is a better way to handle an issue. We have to right a hardship letter to the bank. In texts I asked if we could get together and write something or not. She suggested that we just do it tonight when we exchange kids at my house. Now I didn't feel comfortable doing that because I have three little ones that like to listens to everything mom and dad talk about. And they don't need to worry about anything more than what they are going to have for lunch tomorrow. Really it's the oldest, he is very good at listening at convos. So I told her that was not going to work for me. And they didn't need to worry about adult stuff. She said well I can just write it then. I said no you don't have to do that, it should be from both of us. If you can't meet with me. We can just email it back and forth. She didn't reply and we said goodbye.

Is there a better way I could have handled this? She is acting not like an adult right now.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
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3 kids, I think you handled it fine. It really is hard to talk with 3 kids in the house. Sometimes H and I meet at a coffee shop to talk about things when we don't want the kids to be around. If you can handle it without getting emotional in public, then that might be an option for you. Sometimes you can hash things out in person faster than emailing back and forth.



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How about a simple chat program? You can also record the conversation.

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Thank you so much Rppfl,

I thought it was ok. I guess I will have to talk to the oldest tonight now. He just called me asking if his snow pants where at my house and if I was home or at work. I told him I was not home and where they were. He says so your at work. Before I answered a thought rushed through my head "why is my son so concerned with where I am". I didn't want to respond. So I just said no. I don't know if it was him asking my wareabouts our his mom. But truthfully it's not either of there business. If it was him because of her "date" comment yesterday. I'll talk with him. Just upsets me either way.

Thank you again Rppfl
3kids


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Hi all, I haven't posted this much in a while. But a lot is going on right now.

I have a very delicate situation going on. And I'm looking for advise on how to handle it.

In our house we believe in spanking and time outs. Some thing happened that has only happened once before with the wife a very long time ago. She slapped one of the kids. Apparently she had a very very bad weekend with the kids(kids told me). She was very angry with them and emotionally unstable. I know this because one of the clues was that she was working out at home(which she never does, stress reliever usually). And my daughter was trying to push her to work hard as I do with them. And she exploded on her. Now my daughter is very good at pushing her moms buttons. My wife supposedly slapped my daughter twice this weekend. Of course my daughter emotions are high and does not want to ever go back to her moms and hates her and every thing. I even asked my oldest what all the truth was. And he said the daughter pushed the buttons but mom was a little out of control. I know her stress level is high with the selling of the house and life finally being forced on her.

How do I bring this up for discussion? This one is really tough for me!!!!! I don't believe she is a bad mom and I don't know if it will ever happen again.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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The first thing you do, and what you MUST do is document this. Hopefully you are keeping a divorce/custody documentation journal - if so, write it in there. (If not, start one!) You can also ask your daughter what happened and record her. Dont push her or ask her loaded questions, just "what happened".

Maybe you dont want to feel like you are digging for dirt on your wife, but trust me, what you really dont want is to be 6 months out from now wishing you had.

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Big day today.

Haven't really talked to the wife in a long while. Don't know if she is still going to school or not. Don't know her new living situations, nothing.

We are having lunch today to write the hardship letter to the bank. Which is a real good thing because the guy that wants to buy my property. Is bringing cash to the table at a really fare price. So the bank will have to except it. And maybe it will be a quick process.

As far as the wife, I have a lot to talk about with her other than the house. We have the boys upcoming birthdays at the end of the month. We have house lawyer fees. Her dad's property connected to our old house. Plus way to much more.

I feel I have recently really dropped the rope with her. I don't think about our situation anymore. It really can't be any different from this if we get divorced. But I have to say I am kind of nervous to meet with her today. It's like meeting someone for the first time nervous.

I had to laugh about her comment yesterday when we where discussing when to meet up. She said she wished we would have done this about 3 years ago and maybe things would be different. Then stated that they still can be. As if nothing ever happened. My only comment was a lot has happened now.

Have a great day everyone,
3kids


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
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Separated 3/14
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Quote:
My only comment was a lot has happened now.


Well, good for you!

Don't fall for any of that kind of talk from her when you meet. She's just temp checking you out.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you Sandi! The meeting went very well. We got a lot taken care of as far as the house goes. And dates of the kids and such.

I did mess up once at the end. And I was really proud of my self. Except for this. She started talking about the place she is going to move to and now how it's not available. Because of the short sale going so long and her expensise are cheaper at the old house. How she was going to HAVE to live with OM. I offered my place. As I was saying in my mind was like what are you doing don't offer!! But it just came out. I tried to recover the best I could. By saying it's been a year and things have changed, as I'm kicking myself. And she said you never know things change and a year is not that long.

Gosh I'm stupid why did that come out of my mouth. That's not what I feel right now. This person is wrong and shows no sign of wanting to work or be in our marriage. Why did that come out? She is still so wrapped up in her fantasy world. She didn't even know that she doesn't get to see her boys on there birthdays. Or have plans of trying to see them. She actually asked if I could take them more days for her for a while so she could attend more schooling.

Enough venting. Back to normal life.

Thanks again,
3kids


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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FORGIVNESS!!!

Hard lesson just learnt. My wife just called me asking if bio dad could take my oldest to a NBA game. And accuatly it was my oldest asking because he doesn't want his dad to get mad at him.

See she called and got all defensive right away and I tried to explain why we should not be ok with this. But I stopped arguing and said it was fine for him to go.

We both calmed down and she called me back when the boy was in the shower. And I explained my discomfort with this. After how many years of him not paying child support and not doing anything with him or love. How when our family breaks up he tries to jump back into my sons life.

We talked and she had a convo with the oldest about his bio dad. See, my son knows who his dad is and it's me. He is just curious who this guy is. Where he came from, who his family is and stuff like that. If anything he may turn out to be a friend, if my son chooses to have him. But it is my sons choice not mine. I already know what kind of a man he is. Maybe that's why I don't want him to be with him. Because he will drop him like he has every thing in his life. But again it is my sons choice, not mine.

Why wouldn't my son say yes he LOVES sports. It's his life. If a complete stranger asked him to go, he would probably say yes but I have to ask my dad.

Even after the convo with the wife. My son called me and asked if it was ok. I said of course son. I want you to find out who you are and would never stand in your way. Told him I loved him and goodnight.

Then I cried. What kind of a MAN do I want to be? I want to be a man who doesn't stand in the way of his non biological son. Finding out who he is and came from. And I'm very hurt that I could ever have even put that thought into my sons eyes.

So yes forgivness. Yes I don't have to forgive this man for what he has done to my son. But I have to forgive him enough to let my son find out who he is.

Very tough lesson learnt!!! God give me strength. I am becoming the man I want to be. And giving more than I think I can possibly give. Just give me strength.


M36/W30
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Quote:
Gosh I'm stupid why did that come out of my mouth.


Don't be too hard on yourself, b/c you immediately caught it. I'm sure it is quite a change to not offer help when you hear of her struggles. Old habits, you know.

I really admire what you were able to do with son's bio-dad. I have had somewhat similar experiences and it does scare us to death. We are really scared the child will get more attached to the bio-parent than to us. Of course, we worry about they will get hurt, etc.

I noticed you told him you knew he wanted to know who he is (and I know you mean his biological roots) but the kind of dad you have been, I bet he knows who he is in all the ways that count most.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you Sandi, yes it is very hard. A little because of the bio dad trying to become dad again. But more so I don't want my son to get hurt when bio dad dumps him and stops trying to make contact again. My son was so young so he really didn't know him. But this guy hasn't changed his hole life so I'm sure he will not now.

I'm really sorry about your recent loss. I lost my dad a year ago. So I know how hard it is. Just remember the funny stuff that always brings a smile to my face when I get sad about them.

Thanks again,
3kids


M36/W30
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Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
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Originally Posted By: 3kids
Thank you Sandi! The meeting went very well. We got a lot taken care of as far as the house goes. And dates of the kids and such.

I did mess up once at the end. And I was really proud of my self. Except for this. She started talking about the place she is going to move to and now how it's not available. Because of the short sale going so long and her expensise are cheaper at the old house. How she was going to HAVE to live with OM. I offered my place. As I was saying in my mind was like what are you doing don't offer!! But it just came out. I tried to recover the best I could. By saying it's been a year and things have changed, as I'm kicking myself. And she said you never know things change and a year is not that long.

Gosh I'm stupid why did that come out of my mouth. That's not what I feel right now. This person is wrong and shows no sign of wanting to work or be in our marriage. Why did that come out? She is still so wrapped up in her fantasy world. She didn't even know that she doesn't get to see her boys on there birthdays. Or have plans of trying to see them. She actually asked if I could take them more days for her for a while so she could attend more schooling.

Enough venting. Back to normal life.

Thanks again,
3kids


Learn from your mistakes and move forward. Don't beat yourself up over them.

You're doing and feeling the right things with regards to your son. Good job.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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Got news today.

My lawyer called me. Apparently there was a six month hold off on the divorce proceedings the wife started. And my lawyer was calling to let me know that it is now over and the case is going to be dismissed. She asked if I had any objection to this or if she should contact the other lawyer to see if we should proceed.

I declined. But I really and I mean really paused when she asked me. I'm just not totally done yet. I don't see my wife as my wife as much anymore. More as a co-parent. Some days I think the love is still there for me and most I don't. It's hard to explain.

I am in a really good place since the first of the year. I GAL all the time. There are a few things I would really love to do but my funds are not adequate right now. Seems lately every time I save up enough money to do something really fun some expense comes up. And depletes my savings. I have been waiting on filling bancrupcy because of the house and if the bank comes after me for any money owed on the short sale. So just waiting for that to square away. Then I really really can start my new life plans. So excited for that chapter to finally close.

I did mention to the wife that I didn't like her slapping our daughter. And I put it as a co-parenting way. At first she felt I was attacking her and started yelling at me but I calmed her down. And I expressed my concern that it is not ok and we really need to co-parent together for the best of our kids. I suggested other ways of discipline that we could both use. And she agreed and stated how come I'm saying all this now and I would have never brought that up to her face when we where together. I simply told her we need to have to best interest of the kids in split homes. I soon found out it didn't matter me talking to her. My daughter told me a couple days later that she is done confiding with me about her mom. Because her mom got angry with her and told her she will discipline how she wants at her place. I told my daughter that that was not my intention and I just wanted it to stop. I said I was sorry to her and wiped her tears away. And asked her to still confide in me because I just care and want her to feel safe. She said she would and still loved me. I will defiantly be keeping an eye on this and if it keeps going on I will seek legal action. But at least the wife knows I know about it and do not care for it.

The kids are kind of worried right now because they don't know where their going to live. Their mom told them that they have 90 days at the old house. And she is not really looking for a place to live. I told them that they don't need to worry at all. Because if all else fails they can sleep at my house and their mom can stay with her mom until she finds a place to stay. And we would figure out every thing. They were happy with that answer.

Other than that life if getting pretty good.

Thanks,
3kids

Ps: thanks PM, he is a great young man and I am so proud of him.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
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EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
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Separated 3/14
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Sometimes it helps me to write stuff down so I can forget about it. So here goes.

Yesterday I had a basketball game for the oldest boy. There is the parents that I normally sit with. But yesterday I choose not to sit with them. I sat next to the parent of some boys that I don't know that well and started convos with them. Just to get out of the norm for me. Really nice people with great kids. There kids are not so great at sports so I gave them some pointers that I try to focus on with my son. The basics. I get a call from the wife during the first part of the game, saying she was going to be late (ok why are you calling me to tell me that). As I'm sitting with these parents talking about the game and cheering on our kids. She came and sat by me and not our normal friends (ok odd). During the whole game she keeps trying to start up convos with me. Me being in my best PMA always talking back. But keeping it short. Just weird, just had to get that off my mind.

Also I declined to go bowling last night to attend a great high school basketball game. Our team is number 2 in the state in AA and we where facing the number 1 in the state. So it was a huge stage for the kids. Our only loss of the season was to them and it was close. We ended up defeating them with a last second shot with 1.8 seconds on the clock. Wow what a game! My son was there, his mom had dropped him off. After the game we where talking about the game and I asked if he needed a ride home. He declined and said he had a ride. I got a call an hour later from him asking for a ride because he could not get a hold of his mom. I said sure be there in a couple. When I picked him up he was rather short and didn't talk to much (ok teenage boy maybe). I got close to our old house and he said dad just so you know OM is there. I said that's fine and proceeded to drop him off. As we pull up the drive way, I have a huge bay window and sure enough there is the wife and OM sitting there. My son tells me don't even look at him dad, don't even look at him. I said don't worry son. I gave him a big hug and said I love you and goodnight. He said I love you also and what a game right. I said you got that right. I had to laugh to myself the ride home because I did notice that OM didn't take his eyes off me the whole time. And I never left the truck. Now I would have loved to be in the house when my son walked in because I could just hear his comments or evil stare to his mom. Because out of all the kids he is the one who doesn't expect anything from her. He just gets her absent mindness and all she focuses on is OM. He has made several comments about this. But he still loves her very much. He just understands that they are not the priority to her. Very grown up for his age.

All in all I think I handled the situation pretty good. I could have got out of the truck and confronted both. But I didn't. I could have made rude comments to my son but I didn't. I could have sent evil text messages after but I didn't. I handled it like a man and showed that to my son. Controlling my emotions has been my down fall but I think I'm getting it. Either that or I'm starting to just not care about the situation.

One thing that I was laughing about on the ride home was, I can't believe she left me for such an ugly guy. He must have a great personality. Ha ha ha

As always thanks
3kids


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Impressive- proud of you 3kids! You handled that better than I would have!



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Thanks Tarheel.

I always try to remember in those situations. My kids are watching take the high road. Plus the WAS doesn't have it easy. They have to give up there time with the kids also. They miss big events also. Plus god and karma will take care of OM.

Thanks again
3kids


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Very good job! whistle


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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3kids, I was impressed reading that. You handled that beautifully!



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I have a question for the board.

I have been paying for basically everything for the kids. As far as school goes and sports. Never asking for money from her. Just recently I started to ask the wife to pay half of the house lawyer bills. Which is a couple hundred bucks. I think it's fare if she pays half of that. Now she asked me to pay half of the oldest school year book. Not a big amount, 40 bucks.

I have to admit I'm kind of frustrated with this. Who does she thinks pays for all that stuff and I never asked for a dime. Now that I asked for half of house lawyer fees. She gets to ask for this. Petty! If she would have said hay 3kids I don't have enough money can you get this. No problem.

So, do I try and push this off until next time with the kids and just ask for half of the future stuff. Since I didn't correctly set this stuff in stone. Or do I confront her and say I think you should cover this because I got the rest of the other stuff before.

I think I'm leaning towards the first choice. Because I didn't correctly put this in stone. But I don't want to be a dormat either.

Thanks
3kids


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
Joined: Jun 2014
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3kids, just to clarify, you owned a house together that you sold recently? And you each live in a different place now? Do you and your W make approximately the same thing, or is there a big disparity? Did you ask her for the lawyer's fees just because you jointly owned the house, or because it's actually fair financially?

In my case, if H asked me for a penny, I'd be offended, worried, and probably file immediately. But he makes 5 times what I do. I expect him to foot most of the bills, now and in the future. But I know that's not realistic for most people. So, I'm just trying to understand what your sich is.



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First off thank you so much Sandi and Rppfl. You two are amazing women. Sandi for sticking with this board for so long and helping so many people. Rppfl for being so strong with your sich. I follow yours and Hp's thread and have learnt so much from different view points.

Rppfl, we are in the process of selling our old house. She moved back into it after I moved out and stopped making payments. Because I was underwater on it and it was not cost affective for me to keep living there and supporting my kids. So she only pays for utilities. She makes half of what I do. And I pay child support on the suggestion of my lawyer. I asked for half of the lawyer fees because it was a joint house.

Thanks
3kids


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Awwww, 3kids, that's sweet. Thanks.

I think you were right to ask for half the lawyer's fees, that makes sense to me. But unfortunately, it seems to have triggered a nickel and dime p!ssing match with your W.

My personal opinion is that I'd say, sure W, I can pick up half of this book if you are tight on money right now, but going forward, I don't want to have to track who's paying what for the small stuff. I think it's been working well the way it was, why don't we just keep it that way. And see what she says. If I were her I wouldn't mess with what she's got going right now.

I'm sure there are other people out there who are actually in the thick of this sort of thing, hopefully they'll overlook my unintentional attempt to monopolize your thread and chime in here for you.



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I think what I'm going to do, since I have to meet with her in a couple of hours. I'm going to give her the money and not say a word. Because last week she asked if she could have her whole child support check and she would pay me back at the end of the month. So she could be short on cash. Plus weather I should think like this or not. She could be trying to get a rise out me. Since delivering the oldest to the house when OM was there. She has never wanted me to meet him. And that could have pushed a button on her. There is a lot going on right now with me and the kids doing stuff. That she is jealous of. I do know her better then anyone. So I think avoiding the situation all together is the best option today. Leave it for a different occasion.

Thanks again
3kids


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 300
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Sorry about this but I just realized something. I didn't look at this as a positive. She is acutely going to pay half of something. Now that's changing my thinking. She has never paid for half of anything for the kids. Done with thinking about this. I was just frustrated because it was money.

3kids


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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