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So last night I didn't end up bowling on league. But I still went up there and seen all the guys. Ended up staying up there and bowled one game for money and won. Extra cash sweet! Got a call from her but I didn't answer because I was having fun. She actually left a message to give her a call. I got home to late to call, so this morning I sent a text message asking what's up. She called me and told me that the youngest and the daughter where going to stay home again. Said they where up all night puking and coughing. I let her know what I had been doing that was working with them. She said she was calling last night to see if my mom could watch them today so she could go to work. But she just decided that she is going to stay home with them. She commented on how it was nice they came up and snuggled in her bed with her and joked that she is going to get sick now. She complained about the oldest being rude and disrespectful to her(typical teenage boy). We joked about it being his stage and can't get through it fast enough. She asked if I could help her out. She has a cookie exchange with her grandma on Saturday at the same time as the oldest basketball practice. She asked if I could pick him up and she would just grab him when her and the other two are done. (My daughter loves this every year). So I said sure not a problem. It doesn't interfear with my plans. She said thank you and we said goodbye.

The questions I have and probably have asked these a couple of times. Should I decline on this stuff. Let her figure it out. Should I try to stop this carrousel. When OM is in town she doesn't contact me as much. But when he is gone she calls and text more. I don't want to be mean or go dark. It this how the situations work or the process of them wanting what's right. I know the db process is to work on me. And I'm still working on that. But what is the best coarse of action in my phase of situation. Do I keep being less available except with the kids. Keeping convo light hearted and friendly. Answering some calls and texts. Not letting her cake eat.

Thanks as always!
P.s I do have a great weekend planned. Kind of excited.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Sorry Sandi just seen your post. I totally understand what you are saying. I questioned that myself. I thought by those comments I was keeping the road paved smooth. Not putting up road blocks. By letting her see that she is welcome to join her family as long as OM is out of the picture. Right now I think that is what she thinking of having all the benefits at my home and no attraction with me. I'm confused on this part. Please explain more. Do I just not mention it and brush it off every time she brings it up.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,126
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Forgive me if I am incorrect, but the impression I get from the way you tell your story is that when she brings up reconciliation, you are inclined to remind her of your terms that she is welcome back as long as there is no OM.

If you have told her this, she knows. You don't need to keep repeating it.

Unless she is asking you directly, you don't need to keep repeating it, and even if she DID ask you directly, you don't have to answer candidly. I'm not saying to lie to her, but a little wink and a "I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" may not hurt.

But you asked sandi, so we'll both wait and see what she says.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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I do not see keeping the road paved smooth as you do. That is making it slick. You don't want her sliding in. You want her to work. B/c truthfully, it is going to take a lot more than just ending her A. Otherwise, she will move on to OM2.

Putting up road barriers would be like getting involved with another woman, going to prison, losing your job/income, causing her a lot of problems out of revenge, punishing or shaming her, and things like that. You are not placing barriers across the road. By contrast, you are putting a neon flashing arrow above your home and having a billboard sign that says you are still available and waiting. But it doesn't make her feel drawn to what you are wanting her to do. It does not work this way, to attract a WAW in an A. However, you have been told all of that in the past.

So, I suppose you will continue doing it the way your emotions dictate, until you get enough and finally decide to do what works. frown


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Just an updat.

Have been really trying to work on my GAL. It's going so so. Have been really busy with the kids and Christmas lately. And insurance!!!! So feed up with it. Finally got to where I'm just waiting on the states answers back to me. This is a huge 180 for me. The wife always handeled this and I just went along with it. Getting my hands in it makes me feel good. Especially since I'm doing all the work. Makes me feel good that I'm taking care of my family.

The wife in the past week has tried to call and text. And sometimes I answer, other times I'm to busy so I don't or don't get back to her for a while. Last week she called to discuss a present that she was getting for the oldest and I politely just said what ever you think is best and changed the subject to insurance questions. Then she tried to go back and tell me that she had to get ideas for the kids presents from her best friend. Because she didn't even know that I had taken them to sit on Santa lap and request stuff. We had another tournament for basketball and I kept our convo short and sweet. And after it was over gave the kids hugs and left in a hurry(like I had some place to be). She was calling and texting every day. In the beginning of this week I had to contact her on some income questions and she asked if I just wanted her to come help me and we could do it all together. I declined and said no I will take care of thank you.

Had my birthday on Wendsday. She let me pick up the kids on her day from school and take them out to dinner. Told me happy birthday and she wished she could enjoy the dinner with us. I didn't offer for her to come with. Mine and kids time. When I dropped off the kids the little one didn't want to stay, wanted to come with daddy. But we got him calmed down. She asked about the insurance and I told her that I got us good insurance but hopefully by January we will have outstanding insurance. I'm still working at it. She started complaining about money and she doesn't have any for bills(she didn't work one day last time OM was home so it's hurting her). I asked about the money we got for selling the playground set(that I built) and if she split it up yet. She did and handed me the money. I asked about the money for the furnace parts that we where going to split up and she got mad and told me that I need to pay for them because I broke them and it's my house. I didn't argue, just said don't worry it's not that big of a deal. She wanted to know how fast I was going to sell a shed that I have on the property because she needed the money. I said I can't this week because I'm really busy but maybe I can get to it this weekend. She was not happy with that answer. But I didn't validate any of her money issues. Not my place anymore. She handed me my mail and a picture. I asked what the picture was for(a drawing of my favorite football team, that has been hanging in the house for a couple of months). She said the daughter wanted you to have it(her and the daughter made it). Maybe an attempt at a birthday present from her, I don't know. I said thank you very much and gave my hugs and left in a hurry. Since the last exchange I haven't gotten one text or phone call from her. Interesting!

I get the kids until Christmas Eve, but I think we are just going to wing the weekend. Daddy is kind of broke, and we have some more shopping to do. So maybe some movies and outdoor stuff. Who knows.

Very very excited I was able to handle the insurance stuff. Big part of taking care of my family and knowing I could handle it. And not being scared of the wrong or right choice I was making for my family. That's always a big fear in my life. Nothing big other than that. I still have half of her important Christmas stuff at my place that she has not even asked for yet, including the kids stockings that she requested(made real fantasy). So we will see where it all comes to.

Thanks every one for making me see what I was doing wrong, and all the great advise and comments. And most of all for caring for a complete stranger! Thank you!


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY! smile


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
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Good for you! I think one of my new year's resolutions will be TCB (taking care of business). Hey, if it was good enough for Elvis.....

Quote:
Had my birthday on Wendsday. She let me pick up the kids on her day from school and take them out to dinner. Told me happy birthday and she wished she could enjoy the dinner with us. I didn't offer for her to come with. Mine and kids time.


Happy belated birthday. Good job in not jumping at inviting her to join you for dinner.

Quote:
I asked about the money for the furnace parts that we where going to split up and she got mad and told me that I need to pay for them because I broke them and it's my house.


Well, shame on you for "breaking" the furnace. crazy
She just couldn't bear to part with exactly half of every thing!

Quote:
But I didn't validate any of her money issues. Not my place anymore.


Another good job. You are getting stronger and better.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I have been really trying to avoid drama with her. So I have to get this off my chest before I explode on some one or to her. Just picked up the kids from school and they seen the presents under the tree from me and are very excited. I said why are you so excited, mom should all ready have presents under the tree. They said no her and grandma where doing ording and making a list last night. I'm thinking to myself there is no way in heck they are getting presents off line in time. I hope these kids have presents! Then I get a text from the wife asking if she can borrow money from me and she will pay me back next week. I said no, I'm sorry I don't have that kind of extra cash right now. It was a lot of money. And she said okay. Not only is she waiting till last minute but she doesn't even have the money. I even gave her all her child support early so she would have enough. She will have to do the one thing she hates and ask family for money. Just so frustrated with her! She better not mess up Christmas for these kids.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I feel better now. Back to my kids and fun.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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You're good. Let her make mistakes and face the consequences of them. You saving the day sets a dangerous precedent.

Your kids will be okay, and you will be okay as long as you don't allow any attempts by her to blame YOU for HER money problems to get through your defensive shield. If she does lash out, it is just in anger that she doesn't know how to handle and direct in an emotionally healthy manner. Be above that.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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Thanks all of you! I'm not going to try and save the day or anything. I just got off the phone with the wife trying figure out holiday break schedule. And tried to get some more info out of her. Just sad, sounds like she is going to drop out of school so she can work full time. To be able to afford an apartment with the kids. She is going to give up on her dream because of all this. And work a mediocre job that doesn't pay as well. Just really saddens me that she doesn't see what this is all costing her. And what she is giving up for OM. I also can't believe her family is going to let her do that. But maybe they have given up on her as well. I wish I could just smack her in the face and say look what this is all costing you, wake up. But it's her life and I can't. Negative comment but, if this doesn't wake her up from her addiction I don't know what will. Really sad for her right know. To think this person could have it all and is choosing not to. Time to get my mind off her and enjoy my kids again. She said she did want to talk again but me and the kids are to busy today. So we will see.

Thanks every body. And I'm really trying to keep my emotions in check.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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