Wife having emotional affair part 4

[3kids]

Real quick. I don't understand something. Last night I took the kids to the community center to go swimming. I used her membership for them and paid for myself. While we where there. She sent a text asking what we where up to. I told her and said I would pay her instead of paying the center for the kids. And added that we were doing something special today. She said that's fine and I told her that I would text her later. I text her later and she asked what the special thing was and I asked jokingly are you interested. She said I work a double. She said fine don't tell me. I told her don't get mad it's ice skating. She said well it's suppose to be nice out have fun. I told her it's inside at a rink. And she said even better. Told her she's welcome to join and she said I work a double. I said well if you can get off let me know. She said ok thanks. Goodnight and tell the kids I love them.

Is what your talking about her pursuing me but why is she getting mad if I invite her. Or is not mad about that and she is just mad about me doing new and fun things with the kids. I just don't want to push her away at this time. I mean she asked what we where doing so I'm not going to lie to her. Or do I not invite her. Confused! On what course of action.

[sandi2]

I think she is more angry at her situation she finds herself to be in now. If I were you, I would back off inviting her to everything. Give it a rest, and if something really special comes along, you might try again. If she still rejects it, then you need to stop asking, period.

[3kids]

Hi friends,

Well I have had a interesting couple of days. The weekend turned out to be a bomb, every thing I tried to do with the kids blew up and didn't happen. Sad weekend to say the least. But we still had some fun. On Sunday night the youngest needed a book bag that he left in his moms car. So I asked if she could drop it off after she got off work. When she stopped she asked if she could run up and kiss the kids while they where a sleep. And I said of course. After that we started talking about Christmas and house plans. We where talking about how fast the house is going to sell now that the price has dropped. I asked what her living ideas where when the house sells. She said well I haven't decided yet. She then went into a discussion. She doesn't know what to do she is thinking about marriage counseling for us but is still unsure. She said if we tried to make it work at least we could say we tried instead of just gave up. But was unsure on how it would affect the kids if we tried. ( this is when I thought of Sandi). She started to go into how she can't afford even living at the old house and making just utilities payments, she started to look at apartments nearby but doesn't know how she could afford them. ( I didn't jump in yet). Then we started talking about Christmas and we need to split up the decorations and orniments. She looked very sad and said that this is all very hard and doesn't like doing that. I asked well what would you like to do, I told her that I loved the real tree last year so that's what I'm going to do and she can put up the fake tree if she wanted to. She brought up what about Christmas morning. I told her that it was her day so if I could get the kids that afternoon it would be great, if not they can just do presents at my house when they come back(because I get them Christmas Eve), and open Santa's presents then. She said so Santa's coming to both houses, and I said yep. She complained how she didn't have a lot of money for Christmas and I said neither do I, but we will make it the best we can for our kids. She asked well what if we have Christmas here, we could have all the presents here, I could bring mine over or what ever(I think she wants to combine gifts mom and dad). And this is when I jumped in. I said what do you want wife. I said me and the kids would love for you to come live here with us but only if you want to not because you need to. She said that is what I'm confused about right now, I just don't know. I said well maybe some time you and I should just go out and sit down have a cup of coffee and talk. We need to talk about Christmas stuff anyways. She said well maybe. We finished with some other stuff and she left.

Then came last night. She sends a text saying can I come over and bring your mail and give the kids a hug. I said sure I have to go get the oldest from basketball and the other two will be here. When I got back she was looking some stuff up on her computer that she brought over with them(odd if you where just coming to give them hugs). She stayed for a while and chit chated. Then the kids started to be really disrespectful of me testing my anger. I handed it very well where I normally would have screamed my lungs out. She didn't really say anything at all when they did this. But when the oldest jumped in on how I was disacplining the youngest and we started arguing a little(teenage boy knows it all). That's when she got up and started to leave. I asked if I could have the kids for an hour or so on Friday to get my tree since I have to work this weekend. And she said sure but she wanted to take them tubing and that night the kids where going to spend the night at her moms for the traditional BIL birthday brunch the next morning with all the grand kids. It sounded like an opening so I asked. Since you don't have the kids would you like to do something with me. She didn't answer but inadvertently changed the subject. So I took it as a no and said good night.

So it still leaves me at no clue what's going on. She brought up MC and didn't finish. Brought up Christmas and didn't finish. I know one thing I'm done asking her to do stuff. That much is clear. I also think I'm going to send a text saying I'll take the kids some other day to get the tree since she has so much stuff going on with them. She is sending mixed signals right know of wanting our family but when I ask to do stuff I get shot down. So let her be in control and shut up and do my thing.

Today's hard enough it's been one year today since my dad died and I miss him so much!

Thank you all!

[HPoirot]

Hello 3kids. I'm sorry you're in this and that your weekend with your kids didn;t workout as you hoped.

I read about your asking your W to do things with you. I do have some advice that works for me. Make a specific and definite plan to do something on your own or with some friends... like going out to lunch or going out for coffee. Then, you say to W... "Hey, I'm going out for (dinner/lunch/coffee/drinks) (now/at 7pm/at noon) (with bob/mom/kids if someone else is coming with you). Care to join (me/us)?

Then, if she says no, warmly (with no disappointment in your face) say "OK" and then... most importantly... go anyway.

If she does go... only have light conversation. Do not under any circumstances talk about your M or R.

Then, make the time together short and end the time together yourself. Plan something specific and real to do next so you can excuse yourself. "Hey I'd love to stay longer, but I have to (meet/do/go) (somewhere/someone) at (time). I'll see you later."

That way... she starts enjoying no-pressure time with you. You are providing fun and happy memories of you for her.

Have no expectation when you ask. Have no expectations when she goes with you. Have no expectations during the time you spent together. And, most important, have no expectations for (hugs/kisses/next meeting) when you leave. Her her lead on all those things.

This works.

[3kids]

Now this is just a thought. Although negative it's just a thought. Today I had to deposit money into her account because she paid bills and over drafted. She needed gas so she had to stay at school until I got off work to deposit money into her account(child support check that she is now going to rip up). We talked about her bad day at school and work. We talked about how her work is messing with on her work schedule. On working doubles and such. How she is seriously thinking about choosing one or the other. Because doing both is to hard. How she can't afford Christmas presents and every thing. How school changed a test time on her and now she can't work which hurts her. How now her work is not going to give her double time work on Thanksgiving. And we already told the kids that they where going to spend the night at my house until Thanksgiving after noon. Now she gets to sit home alone on Thanksgiving and not have Thanksgiving dinner with any of her family. Then she started crying really hard and said she had to go and thanks for listening.

My point being this how can one person be so sad and miserable. And not see her happiness right in front of her. Is life with me really that bad to not even want to TRY. Wow do I suck or did I really hurt her that bad. Are my changes not that good enough. Just don't understand.

[3kids]

I may have just set my own fate!

She just called and said we are go for Thanksgiving. Her work found her hours to work. I told her great. She was driving to school to take a test and I told her to drive careful. The roads are bad here in Minny. I asked if was still ok if I take the kids in Friday to cut down our tree. She said fine, because she was going to take them tubing but it's to much money. So she's not going to do it. It's a really cool tree place that has Santa flying in on a helicopter and wagon rides and every thing. So I said if your not doing anything your welcome to join. This is when she said that it's all very hard. And I said would you like me to stop asking you to come with us on stuff because if it's to hard and you just don't want to say no, I can stop. She said that's just it. But there's more if you where my friend I could talk to you about it but your not your my husband. And I said what does that mean. She said well it has to do with OM. He is not somebody I want to spend the rest of my life with, I know that but there's more. I said, I thought you ended it with him. She said I did but there more to it(like it's not over). I said I'm sorry I thought you ended it. In that case I will just stop asking. She said don't get mad. I said I'm not mad, trust me I'm not mad. I will just stop asking to do stuff with you. Good luck on your test today, I will see you when we exchange kids tonight. Have a good day.

So she hasn't ended it totally or at all. Only person I can control is me. And if she is still choosing to have OM in her life, that is her choice. So I will just stop asking her to be part of my life. I might have just hung myself but at least she knows where I stand. Even if it's by myself and with my kids. This totally explains the last couple of weeks. I am sad and angry right now and hurt. I wish her the best of luck in life. Time to make the best christmas I can for me and the kids! First enjoy Thanksgiving!

[HPoirot]

Hey 3kids. I know this hurts. Try to focus on the good things she said...

"your my husband"
"He is not somebody I want to spend the rest of my life with."
" I said, I thought you ended it with him. She said I did.."

So it's may not be what you think. She could want to tell you how conflicted she is. It's all just mind reading and you just don't have mental energy for that.

The fact is, it means nothing has changed... Your W is still conflicted... still trying to make a good choice... and she still wants to connect with you just doesn't trust if she should. So, keep being the better choice. DO NOT keep brining up the OM. Just be bigger than him... dismiss him from your mind. When you really start feeling this way, your W may see this... you as the more solid and secure choice. I make the same mistake constantly. We both have to stop... jealously and anger is not attractive to our Ws.

[3kids]

When things go bad they go bad.

The wife had the kids tonight and asked if I would come over to go through the Christmas stuff to split up. So it was a hard night splitting up ornaments. It was going really good she was showing closeness and flirting with me. Then I got a text from BIL asking to stop over and have a beer for his birthday. Then it when it horribly bad from there. It's clear she is undesided about everything.

Then I think I shoved a big old foot in my mouth. She asked why her brother was texting me and not her. And I said well I could take the kids home and we could both go and she said she had to work other wise she would. Me and the kids got ready to go and she asked if I was going to still go over there and I said yes because he invited me. She said with the kids? I said sure why not. Then she got really mad and said that is her family not mine and stay away from them. Get your own family. And I said you can't stop me from being friends with your brother, he is my friend and always will be my friend and family. That's when she said I knew you couldn't change about being close minded. Only your way and never change. Going to do what you want and never care about anything else or any one else. She made a big deal how it was her family and she wouldn't talk about why it was so important that I stay away from her family. Especially with the kids. I told the we never talk about her and they where just my friends. She made a fit about she didn't need anyone. It ended bad where she wouldn't talk anymore and ways crying really hard. I left by saying that I think both our emotions are running high because of splitting up Christmas stuff and maybe we should talk later when we calm down.

I don't feel good about this.

[HPoirot]

That really s*cks that happened. It must have been very hard considering things were gong kinda well. Good that you know you put your foot in mouth. With her first "why did bro call you" question... What if you had said "you're probably right about that." I can see how it would bother you." In my house. I get invites to fight too. This is something I'm better at... Diffusing them by validating without agreeing. She'll be back to flirting with you soon enough. Maybe don't bring this up to her. Maybe validate her feeling if she does and move on. Good luck

[3kids]

Thank you so much I needed that.

I'm going to right some stuff to focus on instead of the bad.

She said she ended it with him.
Called me her husband.
Has talked about MC.
Has said she misses me.
Has said she misses our family.
Told me that all the invites that I offered where just with the kids and not just her.
Told me that if we where to work we need to figure it out with out the kids involved.
Has flirted with me and says she misses my very kissable lips.
Has tried to spend time with me.
Has asked me to do stuff.
Has said she really really wanted to do every thing with me that I've asked but just doesn't want to confuse the kids or hurt them.
Has said that she is not going to move in with OM. Which means she has two choices life with me or an apartment she can't afford.
Has asked about spending Christmas with me.
Has said that OM is not who she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
These are all very positive things and way different from when it was a month ago.

Like Sandi said she is going to go through some stages of getting over OM. I just can't push to hard. I know they are going to meet again when he comes back in town. And I think that is why she is holding back from us. Like I have read before they always want one last good bye to OM. To put an end to it for closure. She knows where her heart truly lies. Other wise she would not be doing or saying all the things lately. So focus on the good things!!!!