Maybell XXI

[bravo61]

i understand totally!

[Mozza]

I feel like I want to say to my H, "Can we start over from scratch?" And get to know one another fresh again. I just really miss him. We both screwed up so badly. But I really love him. He matters so much to me. Is there some way to say that?

I'll share my crazy idea, even though it's not yet been put in practice. It's an option for when my W gets out of the fog. Let's see what it's worth.

Years ago, my W and I were at a party and she came to me and gamely introduced herself pretending not to know me. I went along and introduced myself as "[Mozza] of [native city]." We usually interact in our native language, but that time we spoke English. We flirted all evening and had great fun. We went home and had memorable sex. The character stayed in our relationship and was brought up a few times, to spice things up.

My plan is that, if and when my W becomes available and shows some interest, I'll reintroduce the character and invite her for lunch, dinner or else. This character is a new person and the act gives me an opportunity to marvel at all the things I actually already know about her. It worked wonders in the past, but I'm not sure if and how it would work during R. Again, I expect that there should be some signs of interest on her part, otherwise it will just be pathetic pursuing ("That old trick?! Come on!").

I thought of this when I realized that OP have the advantage of discovering our S. They can be surprised, enthusiastic, horrified... at things that we've known for years and take for granted. It's a rush to impress someone, to see yourself in the eyes of a new person.

I don't know how it applies to your sitch, but could role playing be an option? Or just asking him questions about things that are impressive about him and react like a new person? "Try something different", says DR.

By the way, not to give false hopes or anything, but I agree that there's some positive movement in your sitch lately.

[Jefe]

try to break down the day into smaller increments. such as my goal is to not cry 1 time in the next 30 min. when you accomplish that goal, celebrate it. maybe the achievements, small as they may be, will start to snowball and the resulting confidence will do you wonders.

Wow, I had not even thought of a tactic like this.^^^ Wonderful.

I certainly *feel* every thing my wife does, for sure.

Maybell, I totally feel your pain right now.

[Maybell]

I'm centered again. I know, GB, I'm a funhouse ride all by myself. All I can say is that my hills and valleys are pushing closer and closer together. I have remembered that he is on a journey of his own and because I want him to be whole almost as much as he wants to be (for him, for me, for the kids) I have to let him go on that journey wherever it leads.

Mozza, at this point we've been so far apart for such a very long time that I really would be meeting him new if we started reconnecting. There wouldn't be any play acting involved. But that is a fun idea. Especially when you have a second language to play with.

[Jefe]

Maybell, I'm closing on 4 months and I feel so helpless sometimes. I can't even imagine the struggle you've endured.

[Maybell]

The last two months for me have been HUGE. I'm not even close to the same person I was a year ago. I have regrets and sadness but I'm ok. There was no short-cutting this process.

It does make me wonder what I'll be like a year from now.

[Jefe]

"There was no short-cutting this process."

I know.



I just wish I could spare the kids any of this.

[Maybell]

My kids have suffered and I feel sad for them, but they also have gained from this. H used to just give in to D11 on everything. She has a forceful personality and he had a peace-at-all costs policy. Now that I defer and inform rather than dictate, he's seeing a lot more of what I saw and he's parenting more actively. He sees the boys as individuals more now than he did (interesting, because he hated being treated as "the boys" growing up) and is making much more of an effort. He may or may not be interested in me, but he is doing better with them.

I'm also a much better mother. The 180s I've been practicing directly improve their lives. They're having to be more responsible for themselves but they've become more capable. They've had to adapt to a lot and although they'd rather H and I were together, they also wish we could move back west and I know that would be bad for me. So they will have to learn to live through disappointment, which can make them more resilient.

In the very long run, this may end up being good for our family. Even better if H and I can happily find our way back to one another.

[Jefe]

Your husband would be a very lucky man if he woke up one day.

[devotee]

I agree with Bravo. We can't tell them these things. I also want to tell my H this everyday, especially during the last few months that we were making such positive progress. But I think it scares them off. Honestly I think that's why my H just did a total 180 and abandoned therapy and all our progress. He got scared we were doing well and moving forward and he wasn't ready for it.
I'm not giving up on him. You shouldn't either. Give him his space and time. Focus on You and making yourself even better. It's rewarding Jo matter what happens with you and H.

PS: when I want to tell my husband I love him, I just say it in my head. That way I feel I'm allowing and accepting my feelings, just not saying them out loud. It's not the same as telling him of course, but at least it's not pressuring him or pushing him away.