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#2507842 11/16/14 10:12 PM
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Hi all...

I messed up in the worst way, and I'm having a hard time holding on to hope. Any hope is welcome.

Been together 9 years, married for 5. No kids. Only a dog and a house and a ton of history (friends for 18 years). Marriage started to sour (increased complaints/criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, sex decline, affection decline) about 3 years ago and we entered marriage therapy. The therapist focused pretty much only on communication, which helped somewhat, but our "sour" problems persisted.

This past year was particularly stressful for both of us (bought a house, had house problems immediately, mother-in-law nearly died while we were all away overseas), and we had some awful fights leading to my loneliness getting kicked up in a bad way. I went to a therapy workshop, and my old family of origin stuff got kicked up. Put it all together along with sleep deprivation, alcohol, and being around two nurturing women who showered me in their ministrations: two emotional affairs started.

For two months, I was under the delusion that my marriage was dying and that "greener pastures" awaited me, but foolishly asked for a separation after one month. My wife inadvertently 180'd me (she didn't know of the OW) by telling me to leave and that she was going to move on with her life, and after the second month my delusion was shook. I realized what a terrible mistake I had made. I came back to reconcile, but she was highly ambivalent about me coming back and kept me out.

My anxiety peaked about what felt like a rejection. While we on a silent period a few weeks later, a stupid stupid one night stand PA happened with another woman after I mixed a prescription drug and alcohol (not knowing it would cause me to get black out drunk) and probably acted out on my loneliness (I don't remember... truly). I'm not blaming the alcohol entirely... I know I'm responsible for my actions no matter what else was involved, but I know for a fact I wouldn't have done that if I had been sober.

I ended all affairs with no contact letters and blocked these people's phone numbers and email addresses. I confessed all when she asked, but in my ignorance about how reconciliation works, I lied to her about who knew about the affairs thinking it would keep her from getting unnecessarily hurt, only to tell her a month later at her inquiry and basically reset the clock, leaving her feeling more betrayed. Such a stupid thing for me to do. It's all out there now... no more trickle truths.

I've isolated myself from all situations where another affair could develop (no bars, no contact with opposite sex friends, no talking with opposite sex co-workers beyond what my work duties require). I've stopped drinking and started attending support groups for sobriety. We are in with a new marriage counselor now. I'm continuing my own therapy. I'm so deeply regretful for what I've done to her and us, and I show it and say it. I don't beg her to take me back. I acknowledge that she has every right to be as hurt and sad and anxious and angry and traumatized as she is. I am atoning the best I can, and attuning the best I can. Still separated, but I'd come home if she'd have me.

I know I messed up (I know that is an understatement), and I am willing to do as much atonement as is needed. I am committed to transparency, honesty, and openness. I do not want to hurt her further or lose our marriage. But I fear I'm too late at times.

She no longer says "I love you," her anger and pain is hot to the touch but coldly distant, and has openly said she is contemplating divorce. At the same time she allows me to see her, called me for a medical emergency this past week, lets me kiss her and touch her, and says she believes I am remorseful and sincere. She's in marriage counseling with me. She hasn't thrown in the towel yet, but she doesn't trust me... I know that's reasonable.

I just keep getting to this point of feeling so low and hopeless, like what I've done has just been too much to stomach and she's going to decide that we're not worth the trouble of reconciliation at this point. I don't know that she'll divorce me, but I know it's a real possibility.

I so want to save this and have a better, happier, healthier marriage. I am willing to change SO much of what I do as a husband/partner to make a difference. I just don't know if there's something else I should do other than keep my current actions consistent and be patient.

Thanks for reading my rambling.

Joined: Nov 2009
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Oct 2014
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Thanks, Cadet.


Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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