Blindsided and on my own (9)

[labug]

It's not about the duck.

Labug, how can it not be about the duck? Why else would he destroy his R with his own daughter? Had he simply left, she wouldn't feel this way.

In MC, he told me that he never would have done the BD, never would have left, had it not been for the duck. I believe him.

I understand that you are saying he was unhappy before he decided to cheat. I get that. But once he made that decision to actually scr#w the duck, and to leave us all to pursue something with her, then it became about her.

It's about him and his inability to be happy, his need to blame his unhappiness on you, his need to berate you to feel better about himself, his need to have another woman bolster his lagging self esteem, his inability to say no when temptation came his way.

While I get the "what kind of a woman would..." I also have to ask, "what kind of a married man with children would...and why"

I understand your D not wanting to go there about her Father, I can't imagine how that must feel for her.

You don't know this about me unless you read my very early posts. I had a hot and heavy EA very early in my M. (Yes, in 37 years we have covered almost every marital issue you could possibly have.) He was married and had 4 children and a history of infidelity. He was handsome, had money, took me nice places, bought me things. The only reason it didn't become a PA was because I got scared, turning physical meant to me I was REALLY cheating. See how our minds can make things OK. Up until that I was just "playing" at cheating.

I could hem and haw and blame my H for things he wasn't doing but the truth is, I was in that EA because of the way it made me feel. It wasn't a deficiency in my H, it was a deficiency in me. There was a hole in my soul that it took me years to figure out and heal.

I think it was on your thread a while back that I said I wouldn't be in a R with someone I had to keep tabs on, part of that is because I know how easy it is to get away with things and if someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat. If fidelity isn't a part of a person's character, it just isn't. It can become a part of their character but an affair is like a drug. You want that hit no matter the consequence, in fact the illicit nature of the A makes it more exciting.

Make no mistake tho, I made a choice every time I had contact with him, knowing what I was risking.

So in conclusion, the A blew up in a dramatic fashion, both spouses found out, we went back to our respective spouses but did keep in contact for a while.

I have not strayed into that territory again because I realized what kind of man I was married to and that I had hurt him very deeply. I made fidelity a value I lived. We were able to recover from that but it did take time. Have I been tested along the way? Yes.

So that's a long way around to explain why I say, it's not about the duck.

[Little]

^^^^ GREAT post, Labug. Thanks for your input because it helps more than the person you're addressing it to.

[raliced]

My D16 has always been older than her years. I've always said that would serve her well someday, perhaps that day has come. But my heart breaks for her that her daddy rock and protector has let her down so dreadfully. Another thing she said to him was that he was not the man she always thought he was. That's sad that a little girl believes that about her dad.

rpp-

I just wanted to say that this might have a silver lining. Realizing that our heroes aren't perfect and that all human beings have faults and foibles is a healthy thing, I think.

That being said, I certainly sympathize. I watch D6 and wonder what is going through her mind right now....

[SunnyB]

an affair is like a drug. You want that hit no matter the consequence, in fact the illicit nature of the A makes it more exciting.

I understand the addiction aspect, but how could you possibly let it interfere with your R with your children? I'm imagining that I had an A, moved out and then had that exchange with my D. Once she told me she felt abandoned, I'd come running home tail between my legs and spend the next five years sucking up to her and repairing what I'd ruined. I swear I would.

[HPoirot]

Yes it's hard to imagine any man getting that text from his D and not crawling home on his knees.

[Mozza]

an affair is like a drug. You want that hit no matter the consequence, in fact the illicit nature of the A makes it more exciting.

I understand the addiction aspect, but how could you possibly let it interfere with your R with your children? I'm imagining that I had an A, moved out and then had that exchange with my D. Once she told me she felt abandoned, I'd come running home tail between my legs and spend the next five years sucking up to her and repairing what I'd ruined. I swear I would.

Are you sure that you understand the addiction aspect? To me, this point about drugs is hugely important to understand the WAS. They are no more in control of themselves than a junkie is. Imagine the A like a source of air. They HAVE to run to it or they suffocate. I could see it on my W. Her face would turn to stone when I would interfere (I was not aware of the A then) and I couldn't understand why. Junkies neglect their children, obviously. People in an A will justify it anyway they want, regardless of reasons or consequences, because they're addicted. It's their source of pleasure, of dopamine. Don't think that they'll have a sense of duty to their children stronger than their addiction. It can only wear off over time. Any drug wears off. Then we'll see where the chips may fall.

[Dawn70]

It certainly sounds like your daughter has a strong mind and is able to stand up for what she believes in. Kudos to you for that!

[labug]

an affair is like a drug. You want that hit no matter the consequence, in fact the illicit nature of the A makes it more exciting.

I understand the addiction aspect, but how could you possibly let it interfere with your R with your children? I'm imagining that I had an A, moved out and then had that exchange with my D. Once she told me she felt abandoned, I'd come running home tail between my legs and spend the next five years sucking up to her and repairing what I'd ruined. I swear I would.

You're trying to understand using a rational brain, there is no answer that will be understandable. I had no children at the time, I was 25 and thought I was teflon. I had a lot of growing up to do before I had kids.

It's not a physical addiction so I use that description loosely but an A lights up centers in your brain. I think the deluded thought process is "It'll all work out. Yes, it may be ugly for awhile but it will all work out."

Have you ever you been close to an addict. If they have children, family, they love them but the pull of the drug is so strong they make very bad decisions, decisions that have negative consequences for all involved.

[SunnyB]

Have you ever you been close to an addict. If they have children, family, they love them but the pull of the drug is so strong they make very bad decisions, decisions that have negative consequences for all involved.

Yes, I have. My former boss is a recovering alcoholic and we worked very closely together. I was his right-hand man for years, he depended totally on me. Until the day that his alcohol became a problem and I sent him to rehab. It wasn't his family that sent him, it was me. His sons were adults at the time, not living at home. I do know that much later he told me that rehab saved his relationship with one of his children in particular. So I'll have to think about that.

[labug]

And to clarify, addicts NEED the hit or they get physically ill.

Your H and the duck just WANT it.