So, the last chapter lasted the longest ever, not sure if that is good or bad. Anyone who wants to read all my story, can follow the links below: I've also made a post below of the last post I made, as I think the thread will be locked soon.
Thanks for checking in. It's been a really busy time with a lot going on. My W introduced the kids to her A partner on the weekend. It upset me the way she handled it, and made me sad a bit, but not too bad actually. I just thought it was a bit inappropriate to have him sleep over at the cabin she rented. Te kids were confused. I asked my D6 what the favorite part of her weekend was, and she said the beach, and then I asked what the worst part was, and she said "mommy's friend". My W was pretty concerned about me reinforcing it's ok for her to have male friends. She then went so far as to text me and ask if she could call the kids that night. I think she's pretty concerned about their reactions. Besides making sure my children know I love them and my love is unconditional, I don't really think it's my place to tell the kids mom's OM is ok. What am I teaching them?
The week flew along and then last night we had to speak on the phone regarding some tax information. I know she saw her L on Tuesday as did I. She is scared about the impending D, and worried financially. One of her friends that speaks to both of us told me that. When my W complained to her she said "What did you think would happen?" It was nice to hear that someone vocalized that to her.
During our phone conversation, she told me she was planning on committing suicide on Veterans Day. That way people would remember her. She said she had it all planned out. It's disturbing and sad, and I struggle with setting up help for her. I've asked her to see her Dr and tell her Dr. what is going on. I will be following up on that. It's almost like she reaches out for help to me because she knows I still care, or because she trusts me so much. But really she despises me. It can be confusing.
Big weekend coming up with the kids, I can't wait. I'll post more this weekend.
Hi Dev. You definitely should not say it's ok for mommy to have male friends (without you present). After my first wife kicked me out she actually had the OM sleeping on her couch and telling my kids he just needed a place to stay and was helping around the house. My kids were confused but eventually figured it out. Now 10 years later my sons have a conflicted relationship with their mother. But hey, that's water under the bridge.
As for the suicide threat, that definitely seems to be a cry for help. Seems to be a consistent thread with her. However, I would not sweep it under the rug. I perhaps would have called the police on Veterans Day to check up on her. You don't want to be perceived as running when she calls, but her threats should be taken seriously. If she mentions it again, I would just ask her why she would want to hurt her own children by doing that.
I can see she's conflicted with her life. Too bad she doesn't see reconciliation as a viable option.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Your W is a very stuck person. Many, many years ago I dated this emotionally disturbed woman in my early college years and she's given to suicide attempts. I came to rescue her a few times until one day she told me she would do it. At that very moment, I had an awakening and flat out told her, "Go ahead and do it."
That was the beginning of the end of our R. I visited her in the psych ward once. Then afterward, I ended her R by gathering up our roommates and we told this XGF that she had a choice: move out or we all will move out. She chose to move out. That was that.
BTW, I had already called her mother about those incidents.
The moral of the story is: I was done giving in to her emotional blackmail attempts.
Thanks for your input. I agree it's sad Peter. She doesn't see reconciliation as an option at all. I also agree it's not ok what she's doing now, and I'm not going to purport to my kids that it is.
Wonka, it's emotional blackmail at it's worst I would have to agree. I too have passed on my concerns to her doctor, the police, and her family.
Quick update from me, I've been doing really well and keeping very busy. Feel good about myself, been getting lots of GAL in, and have really been enjoying my kids. My W also fails 3/4 of the time in her activities with the kids. I'm seeing them often when it's not my time, as I coach them in their activities.
My W again told me she did not want to live and was going to kill herself. I told her family and called the police and mental health unit. She has an appointment with her doctor and will hopefully be referred to a psychiatrist. I'm tired of her family not believing me. I hope she gets the help she required to function with the kids. If not, I'm going to need to seek increased custody if she is not safe. I absolutely despise letting her fail when my kids are at risk. It doesn't feel right. When they call me or ask for things when they are with her, I feel I need to respond. I've moved ahead with counselling for the kids, who have witnessed mom threaten suicide a few times now, and that seems to be going well.
A few things, I think my W is a bit bipolar, has a bit of borderline personality disorder, and is depressed. Much of this stems from her inability to function with the kids, her social anxiety, and her mental state. I'm sad for her and the kids. I can't understand going through life everyday wanting to die or thinking my kids will be better off without me. That's what she tells me all the time. Incredibly sad, and I feel fortunate that relatively speaking, I'm pretty stable
All is good in the house of Dev. Changes are a coming. I'm controlling my life, my interactions, and being consistent and true to myself. I couldn't be happier right now.
Hi Dev. Yeah I know it's hard when you have a spouse with mental health issues. My W has been suffering from PTSD Complex for the past 5 years and I'm sure that played a part in her walking away, as much as my lack of meeting her needs or speaking her LL. She still says she's depressed and not stable. But now that she's moved home she's starting to feel better. She also claimed to have ideations of suicide a year ago so I know your concerns. A good therapist helps.
Great to hear that you're doing well and looking after your kids well. Read that book: Hold On To Your NUTs.
Keep up the great PMA.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
I'm great!! Doing well, kids are doing well when they are with me.
Had a minor storm when I deposited my cheque into my own account and put some money in the joint account to cover expenses. I think she thought I would just keep bankrolling two homes and her lifestyle. Unfortunately not feasible.
Anyways, lots more to write but I'm tired!!! Speaking to my L tomorrow, so I will update more after that.
Just wanted to shout out to all those on here who are experiencing their first Christmas with new family circumstances. Personally this is the first Christmas that I will not see my kids in the AM right away. I'm thankful though that I will see them in the afternoon, and I'm also thankful for the silver lining of the support network that exists on this website. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone. May the new year bring great things to all of you.
I know it has to be hard not to have the kids in the morning.
We're still playing "happy family" while the D slowly proceeds and the kids "don't know", and that feels pretty empty too, but we're making the best of it.
I have decided that the new year will be better - the year of Zew. Happy Holidays to you, too.
So time flies along, and while I have news, there is still little change in my overall situation, meaning my W is still with the OM, and we continue to progress towards a D. Currently having financials etc worked out. This is a surprise to my W, but I was prepared for this some time ago. She is finding the whole process very difficult, which is unfortunate.
Some positives, I have truly been able to detach myself. There are days that I don't think about her at all, and I am doing very well. I still do my own IC and continue to keep myself healthy, social, and mentally strong. Still have moments when the "what the he$$ happened in the last year??" hits me, but overall those happen less.
There have been some very good interactions with my W, but perhaps the most serious ones have revolved around her mental health. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She begins counselling for this tomorrow. It's an arduous process, which I wish her the best of luck in. My kids truly need her to be healthy and in a better place. My children remain very confused and frustrated. They are also doing IC. The BPD diagnosis isn't a scapegoat for me, but it helps me to understand. Unfortunately looking back I wish we had managed her mental health much better.
She keeps sending me articles about BPD, but sometimes I feel like the diagnosis is not an excuse for an affair. She truly feels she hasn't even had an affair, and still blames me for the destruction of our marriage. However, she did send me a screencap of a conversation she had with a friend, where she talked about feeling bad for blaming me for everything and making me out to be a horrible person, and that she was finally ready to mourn the loss of her marriage. This surprised me, like she didn't realize what her actions would lead to. I was confused by this incredibly. The up and down and back and forth are part of the push pull cycle with BPD I am learning.
I am just continuing on the pathway to self enlightenment. Staying busy with my kids and friends. I am ready to move forward with or without her. I'm doing as much as I can to work on me. Who knows what the future holds, except for what I would like it to hold
Thanks for the update on your sitch. You've done a great deal of self-work and you should be rightly proud of yourself. Taking the high road can be a very lonely activity at times.
Originally Posted By: Devaste
She keeps sending me articles about BPD, but sometimes I feel like the diagnosis is not an excuse for an affair.
Damn straight! You've got this right. Short of psychopath, people generally DO know that having an A is plain wrong and hurtful.
You are doing great with your children and they'll be very close to you in their adulthood. Ya know...changes from teens to young adults then to mature adults. I grew closer to my late father around age 25 when I've burned through pretty much every youthful indiscretions imaginable (except drugs).
Thanks for checking in! Appreciate all the feedback that I get. Just took a little hiatus for awhile.
Thanks for the positive words of encouragement. I know I'm going to be ok too. It's my little ones that I worry about. My D6 told me today it feels like I love them more than their Mom. That's a horrible thought process for a young one to be going through. I reassured her that we both love them all so much, but it broke my heart...
Sandi, they do stay with her on a split schedule. Trying to work with a mediator to allow her to have them one on one until she is healthy, as three children is too much for her to handle. She acknowledges this, saying she is sorry she doesn't have the skills to be a mom. However the financial implications seem to prevent her from agreeing, although I have suggested we could avoid those. She has also cried to me that she is not my problem anymore, that she feels horrible for abandoning the kids like she was as a child, and that no one understands her. Of course then she will be ranting about how I've caused all of this. Anyways it's a topsy turvy world out there for me with her interactions right now.
I'll keep up semi regular updates, and I'm always lurking around here.
Hi Dev; Good to hear you're keeping yourself healthy.
You could tell your D6 that mommy is ill and is trying to get better. Mental illness is not something to sweep under the rug or hide from children. True, it still holds a stigma in many folk's opinion, but it think giving your kids an assessment of her health would make them feel that it's not their fault that they're not getting the love they need from their mom. It's just that their mom is going through some issues and is having trouble expressing her love as they need to receive it.
Keep up the PMA Cheers
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Update time a bit. Of course things appear to be heading towards divorce. I see no real change in course of action at this time. My interactions have been ok for the most part interspersed with some crazy dialogue. I have had several strange interactions as well that have made me curious.
My gut is it appears that my W is coming full circle to an understanding of her mental health. She is starting to realize that I'm not 100 percent to blame. She has told me things like she hates me but she loves me, and she wishes we had managed everything with respect to her mental health better. I have done lots of reading with respect to BPD and it's associated mental illnesses, which has been very helpful.
Interestingly, we have had some deep conversations about is as people, not so much R discussions at all. She has acknowledged that she tries to hurt me so I can feel the same pain she does, and she admitted her affair was the way she thought she would be able to get rid of me forever. Obviously with the BPD, the realization that with kids we would be involved in some capacity forever never quite tweaked.
Sadly, she remains in her A, I think vacillating a bit. But not enough. She sounds remorseful and sad lately, and she has articulated this, but nothing has changed. All things considered, she is done with the M. I don't discuss it or bring it up in our infrequent conversations. I am also extremely wary of our conversations. I have been yelled at in the park, my W calling me horrible names and telling our friends and neighbours horrible lies about me. Typically I don't respond except to urge her to consider the children, as they are often there when this has occurred.
The next day an apology inevitably follows, and she describes feeling like another person has taken her over, and she doesn't remember what she said.
It's sad for me to watch this from the outside and live the reality. So many things have changed for me this last year and a half, it's crazy. She commends me for being the dad she always thought I would be now, which upsets me sometimes.
For the most part, I have no expectations, and I'm progressing on my own. My journey will probably be a solo one, although the rocket is a two seater....
Thanks for stopping by and giving us an update of your sitch.
I am sorry to read that your W is still lost. You have done the hard work of improving yourself and being the best dad you can be to the kids. That is what matters truly...in the grand scheme of things.
You deserve a partner who will be loving, supportive, creative, nurturing, and nourishing to you as a healthy person. Time will come when you are ready to enter a new partnership.
Dev, FWIW, I think you sound lovely - and I would be very surprised if an equally lovely lady doesn't come along in the near future, hoping to claim that second seat in your rocket.
In the meantime, it sounds as though you are doing just fine....:-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Dev, FWIW, I think you sound lovely - and I would be very surprised if an equally lovely lady doesn't come along in the near future, hoping to claim that second seat in your rocket.
In the meantime, it sounds as though you are doing just fine....:-)
Appreciate all the kind words everyone. Toots, thanks for your positive words, and Wonka, thanks as always for your insight.
It's a challenging time to say the least. She really seems to be reaching out for contact. It's different. She said she misses me and she still loves me, but she is still involved in her affair. Sad in many ways that she can't see through the blinders, she admitted that she was never one to consider long term consequences......
Going to keep on keeping and keep my head up. Not sure what the future holds except for what I need for me. That's half the battle. I haven't mentioned the future in any way, and don't plan on it anytime soon.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the tragedy that is two people in a union willing to work on their problems together, only at different times and not at the same time for either of them. So much damage has been done....all good lessons for me going forward.
The short story is there is no R with my W in the near future. We are going to be attending Mediation to try and work out an agreement, as legal fees are extremely high. This may prove very difficult. Her BPDS makes her irrational and difficult to reason with. My W is struggling a lot. Both to make things work and I'm guessing to come to terms with the fact we are indeed S heading towards D. She continues to feel our only option is to D. I haven't suggested alternatives, as I feel she needs to do her own work to come to this realization. Clearly there are alternatives, but I would be returning to the exact same situation if she doesn't start some IC and begin the process for treating her BPDS. Even my kids have done some IC now as a group, which has been great for them.
So now for the details and the parts that have tried to pull me off my course....
My W has stated she likes me now more than in the last few years. She has tried to come on to me, approached me once when she was dropping the kids of and I was in the shower, and she has stated a few times that she regrets what happened and is traumatized by the current situation.
But of course, actions speak louder than words, and she is still in a R with OM. At the last child exchange, OM was there, I walked over to meet him as much as I despise OM, and he turned and walked away from me. I know it shouldn't make me feel good, but I was proud that I faced that situation. I want to meet anyone that wil be spending time with our kids.
My W has said that she doesn't want to be with anyone, but she has no one and that is why she is still with OM, she volunteered this, I did not ask or respond. Definitely not a recipe for a successful R
Enough about my XW........I am doing pretty well. Still do IC monthly, and am working out a lot, doing some GAL and planning a trip. I have set some goals for the next year in both my business and personal fitness goals. Intrinsic motivation has always worked well for me. Mostly I plan on continuing to focus on myself and the kids. I'm worried about the financial implications of a D, but I prefer to have a healthy M rather than straight financial security.
That's all for now, cheers and thanks for reading,
It felt a bit surreal, my kids running across the field to see me and him turning to flee. Like a scene in a movie. Not going to lie, I was giving the I don't give a f#%^ , but on the inside, I was nervous, mad, and had some caged anger.....but no way was I going to hide from the OM. I'm not the one who should be ashamed. Just cemented my character assessment of him. I told my STBXW that I would meet him but I think he's a d#%$ and I would never like him, and she agreed! What a surprise......
Nice to hear from you, hope all is well with your family?
There is also a part of me that really wants to tell the OM what I think of him, his character, and they type of person who does what he has done. It would feel good for a min, but would produce nada long term
My rational side realizes I had a role in the demise of my M as well. Unfortunately, the prescence of the OM really prevented anything from occurring in my stich. There was little chance once it got to that point.
Maybe we should do a poll.......tell him off or not
As for the OM, you might want to take a page out of my book: not a peep from me about Ms. Wonka's OW. I did tell her that while I do acknowledge the OW, but I will never ever respect her. Ms. Wonka got all hot and bothered--told me to keep my opinions to myself. Ha!
You really need to take care of yourself and put the focus where it belongs: you and the kids. You deserve so much more than what W is capable of or even offering.
The best revenge is moving on successfully and happily. Smile at that sunuvabitch. It'll be more fun to watch him squirm. I bet if you said "boo" he'd have to change his Batman underoos.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I'll just say that I can both sympathize and empathize.
Everything I've heard and read about BPDS says you should run hard and never look back, but I truly understand the dilemma. Being a caring, upstanding man can be a very, very difficult task. You are fortunate in that she isn't fighting you over the kids. That's the only important stuff left to sort out.
As for OM, you know he's a worm not worthy of your wisdom. Even your wife recognizes it. Look at it this way: if your wife doesn't turn herself around, what does he have? His future is your present, if only he were smart enough to see it. And if she doesn't turn herself around, you've only lost what isn't there anymore. Makes it easy at this point once the D starts - it truly is entirely up to her, and none of the pressure is from you. She just may not have the tools to do the task.
You sound good, as I knew you would. Do keep checking in.
Nice to hear from you all again. Sage advice for the OM situation. A few laughs to myself there Train.....underroos love it. Zew, I'd love an update when you get a chance. Seems like it's been awhile, although searching your name doesn't work for some reason, so it might have slipped by.....
As you all summed up so wisely, the OM is simply not worth the time and energy.
Been getting ready for taxes and the nightmare that is to calculate. What a disaster this whole impeding D will be. C'est la vie.
I'll post after mediation, that should be exciting......
It's been a long while. I've been lurking and checking in, but it's been a crazy busy time for me. I've missed everyone here.
I have big news, in that I have an official agreement now, and I feel really great about it. My W ended her A the day she signed the agreement, which is somewhat ironic. And then she asked to come on vacation with the kids and I. Crazy I know.
I came to realize my W was truly not interested in a R with me. It's very sad for my kids, who have been asking a lot of questions. Hard ones to answer. I will never tell them what happened as it's irrelevant, but I will not lie either. They just don't need to know anything right now.
The kids are doing okay, but my oldest still struggles a lot. I worry very much about him. We are doing counselling together.
Getting ready to have the dust settle and move on. I feel great that it's done. Sadness of course, but the deep pain is over. For now. I'm ready to carry on. With my life. There's a single mom I've been noticing at the pool, we've been chatting a lot. Probably going to get together casually.......that should be interesting. Hope everyone is well, and I will be back much more often now.
And thanks for all your help. Still remember my first post and your advice. Wonka, Starsky, Zew, Train, Peter, Twinmom, and everyone else, your words and help we're always appreciated.
Hi Dev, it's good to hear that you are doing well, and that you are glad to have things settled now. Strange as you say that your W ended her A just as you guys made the agreement - go figure! Is it a formal S you agreed, or is it actually a D?
Glad that you are making new female friends - I always said a queue would form!!
I'm still posting, but I've moved over the the MLC part of the board now. Sadly my H just filed for D...
Take care Dev. I hope you keep posting. I'm sure many others will learn much from your journey too. xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
How's it going here? I haven't stopped by for awhile. I've been thinking about this place though. Now that my process is pretty much complete, I have been reflecting on a lot of things, and also had some very interesting talks with my EW, that I think could provide some great insight for people who find themselves in similar situations as me. It's been a journey that never ends, I have learned so much, and will continue to do so.
I'm going to take a poke around and get a bit caught up and then do a post.
Dev, good to hear from you! Hope to see you posting again....all new insight is welcome. Many of our 'cohort' are still around - some have moved to the surviving the big D part of the forum, a couple in Newcomers still and a couple in MLC.
Good to hear you sounding so positive & take care. :)x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
How are you buddy!?!! So happy to see you drop in even for a brief time. You sound much happier and stronger in your post. Yeah, please do give us the run down on what has happened to you since the last post in August. Especially whatever insights gleaned from chatting with EXW.
Well Dev, if YOU update, then I might have to break radio silence and update as well...
Yes please!!!
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
How are you buddy!?!! So happy to see you drop in even for a brief time. You sound much happier and stronger in your post. Yeah, please do give us the run down on what has happened to you since the last post in August. Especially whatever insights gleaned from chatting with EXW.
Don't be a stranger, dear friend.
^^^^^^ This
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I figure it's time, I just pulled this up here to help someone in my family, and realized what a long time it's been since my last visit here, and just how much has happened. Two years wow, time flies
I actually will update in depth but I do need to get caught up and see what's happened in and around here. In a quick scan I did notice some familiar names and I want to see what is happening.
In a snapshot, I'm not a success story in terms of busting my divorce, but in terms of my personal growth as a person, I have grown in leaps and bounds. I have no anger, and I have full forgiveness, as well as accepting responsibility for my part in my marriage falling apart. Myself and my EW co-parent well and get along relatively well, and I am very happy. Life is great.
I have also met an amazing woman who is my GF. She's an amazing supportive and strong partner, and I couldn't feel more fortunate to have her in my life. She and my EW actually get along as well, within boundaries, and there have been some very incredible interactions between everyone, which is great for my children. These include dinners and sporting events where everyone has attended. All in all I cannot complain. My children being in a good place with parents that are healthy and in a good place is really important to me.
I often think to my darkest times and just re-reading the thread I realized how much I have changed throughout the whole process. Completely amazing and as always I'm so thankful for all the support I have received here from all the veterans, chat soon!
