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Devaste Offline OP
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Appreciate all the kind words everyone. Toots, thanks for your positive words, and Wonka, thanks as always for your insight.

It's a challenging time to say the least. She really seems to be reaching out for contact. It's different. She said she misses me and she still loves me, but she is still involved in her affair. Sad in many ways that she can't see through the blinders, she admitted that she was never one to consider long term consequences......

Going to keep on keeping and keep my head up. Not sure what the future holds except for what I need for me. That's half the battle. I haven't mentioned the future in any way, and don't plan on it anytime soon.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the tragedy that is two people in a union willing to work on their problems together, only at different times and not at the same time for either of them. So much damage has been done....all good lessons for me going forward.

Cheers

Dev


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

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Devaste Offline OP
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Been a very long time, which is good and bad!

The short story is there is no R with my W in the near future. We are going to be attending Mediation to try and work out an agreement, as legal fees are extremely high. This may prove very difficult. Her BPDS makes her irrational and difficult to reason with. My W is struggling a lot. Both to make things work and I'm guessing to come to terms with the fact we are indeed S heading towards D. She continues to feel our only option is to D. I haven't suggested alternatives, as I feel she needs to do her own work to come to this realization. Clearly there are alternatives, but I would be returning to the exact same situation if she doesn't start some IC and begin the process for treating her BPDS. Even my kids have done some IC now as a group, which has been great for them.

So now for the details and the parts that have tried to pull me off my course....

My W has stated she likes me now more than in the last few years. She has tried to come on to me, approached me once when she was dropping the kids of and I was in the shower, and she has stated a few times that she regrets what happened and is traumatized by the current situation.

But of course, actions speak louder than words, and she is still in a R with OM. At the last child exchange, OM was there, I walked over to meet him as much as I despise OM, and he turned and walked away from me. I know it shouldn't make me feel good, but I was proud that I faced that situation. I want to meet anyone that wil be spending time with our kids.

My W has said that she doesn't want to be with anyone, but she has no one and that is why she is still with OM, she volunteered this, I did not ask or respond. Definitely not a recipe for a successful R

Enough about my XW........I am doing pretty well. Still do IC monthly, and am working out a lot, doing some GAL and planning a trip. I have set some goals for the next year in both my business and personal fitness goals. Intrinsic motivation has always worked well for me. Mostly I plan on continuing to focus on myself and the kids. I'm worried about the financial implications of a D, but I prefer to have a healthy M rather than straight financial security.

That's all for now, cheers and thanks for reading,

Dev


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

Keeping the dream alive
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Walking over to meet OM?

Dev, my man, you're a bada$s.

smile


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Feb 2014
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Devaste Offline OP
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Haha Thanks Train,

It felt a bit surreal, my kids running across the field to see me and him turning to flee. Like a scene in a movie. Not going to lie, I was giving the I don't give a f#%^ , but on the inside, I was nervous, mad, and had some caged anger.....but no way was I going to hide from the OM. I'm not the one who should be ashamed. Just cemented my character assessment of him. I told my STBXW that I would meet him but I think he's a d#%$ and I would never like him, and she agreed! What a surprise......

Nice to hear from you, hope all is well with your family?

Cheers

Dev


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

Keeping the dream alive
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 323
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Devaste Offline OP
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There is also a part of me that really wants to tell the OM what I think of him, his character, and they type of person who does what he has done. It would feel good for a min, but would produce nada long term

My rational side realizes I had a role in the demise of my M as well. Unfortunately, the prescence of the OM really prevented anything from occurring in my stich. There was little chance once it got to that point.

Maybe we should do a poll.......tell him off or not wink

Sarcastically,

Dev

Last edited by Devaste; 04/22/15 08:20 PM.

Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

Keeping the dream alive
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My Darlin' Tarzan,

So sorry that your W is truly lost. Let. Her.Go.

As for the OM, you might want to take a page out of my book: not a peep from me about Ms. Wonka's OW. I did tell her that while I do acknowledge the OW, but I will never ever respect her. Ms. Wonka got all hot and bothered--told me to keep my opinions to myself. Ha!

You really need to take care of yourself and put the focus where it belongs: you and the kids. You deserve so much more than what W is capable of or even offering.

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The best revenge is moving on successfully and happily. Smile at that sunuvabitch. It'll be more fun to watch him squirm. I bet if you said "boo" he'd have to change his Batman underoos. shocked


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Feb 2014
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Good to hear from you, Dev.

I'll just say that I can both sympathize and empathize.

Everything I've heard and read about BPDS says you should run hard and never look back, but I truly understand the dilemma. Being a caring, upstanding man can be a very, very difficult task. You are fortunate in that she isn't fighting you over the kids. That's the only important stuff left to sort out.

As for OM, you know he's a worm not worthy of your wisdom. Even your wife recognizes it. Look at it this way: if your wife doesn't turn herself around, what does he have? His future is your present, if only he were smart enough to see it. And if she doesn't turn herself around, you've only lost what isn't there anymore. Makes it easy at this point once the D starts - it truly is entirely up to her, and none of the pressure is from you. She just may not have the tools to do the task.

You sound good, as I knew you would. Do keep checking in.

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Devaste Offline OP
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Wonka, Train, and Zew,

Nice to hear from you all again. Sage advice for the OM situation.
A few laughs to myself there Train.....underroos love it. Zew, I'd love an update when you get a chance. Seems like it's been awhile, although searching your name doesn't work for some reason, so it might have slipped by.....

As you all summed up so wisely, the OM is simply not worth the time and energy.

Been getting ready for taxes and the nightmare that is to calculate. What a disaster this whole impeding D will be. C'est la vie.

I'll post after mediation, that should be exciting......

Till then,

Devaste


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

Keeping the dream alive
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 323
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Devaste Offline OP
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Well Hello there,

It's been a long while. I've been lurking and checking in, but it's been a crazy busy time for me. I've missed everyone here.

I have big news, in that I have an official agreement now, and I feel really great about it. My W ended her A the day she signed the agreement, which is somewhat ironic. And then she asked to come on vacation with the kids and I. Crazy I know.

I came to realize my W was truly not interested in a R with me. It's very sad for my kids, who have been asking a lot of questions. Hard ones to answer. I will never tell them what happened as it's irrelevant, but I will not lie either. They just don't need to know anything right now.

The kids are doing okay, but my oldest still struggles a lot. I worry very much about him. We are doing counselling together.

Getting ready to have the dust settle and move on. I feel great that it's done. Sadness of course, but the deep pain is over. For now. I'm ready to carry on. With my life. There's a single mom I've been noticing at the pool, we've been chatting a lot. Probably going to get together casually.......that should be interesting. Hope everyone is well, and I will be back much more often now.

Cheers,

Dev


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

Keeping the dream alive
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