Wife Still in MLC but has now left #7

[TSquared2]

Matt,

Google and call these people up: Legal Aid of NorthWest Texas and/or also Volunteer Legal Services of Central Texas. It's somewhere to start since you don't have reliable income yet and such.

Please do so buddy.

[Matt165]

Thanks T2,
I'll call them them tomorrow. I am so tired of the stress I have in my life! I now realize just how LITTLE stress I had in the past. Between the trying to get a sale at my job now, trying to find a new one, trying to keep the water and electric on, driving for Uber on weekends, now studying for exams, having to find a time to get together with the person I'm going to be working with, getting my D14 to and from school, helping her with school projects (had to go out and spend the little money I have for gas on a scrapbook and paper for a school project just tonight) and now my lawyer bugging out on me, I can't believe I'm not falling apart mentally and physically! It's crazy! When my W complains about how stressed she is I just shake my head and think what she would do if she were in my shoes. I think she'd just shut down totally! One good thing, if I get through this, I can't imagine anything that could happen that I won't be able to get through! If I can so completely lose so many of the most important parts of my life, not make any money and handle the end of a 21 year M all at the same time, a normal life will be a piece of cake!

Of course it helps that I have all my friends here on the forum for help! Thank you all!

[Matt165]

Well, hello everyone!
First, T2 you will be glad to know that I tried the places you suggested. Unfortunately, I live in the wrong county for them to help me. I did look up some other places that might help and found a group called CAAP. They are for people who are having trouble getting their lawyers to be responsive, in my case it was my lawyer who said I wasn't being responsive. They told me to write a letter to take with me to court spelling out the ways that I can be reached when they need me other than my cell. Show it to the judge and them. Ask questions like, since I paid for my D as a flat fee, will I be getting a refund? So, I was ready for my court date.

Funny thing that I noticed right away was that the paperwork listed my lawyer as a woman that works for him. As far as I knew she was a legal asst. She was the one that showed up in court. The judge asked her why they were dropping me and she said that it was impossible to "communicate" with me. He asked what that meant. She said since 11/14 they haven't been able to reach me (a lie as I spoke to them on 11/14). I told the judge that the only way they tried to reach me was by cell, which wasn't working and that my last talk they said that the meeting they wanted to have wouldn't be until at least the first week in December so I wasn't expecting a call. The judge asked about how I paid and when I told him that I paid a flat fee of $2500 he asked her if I would get a refund! She stuttered and said she would have to "ask my boss". In the end the judge chastised both me and her saying I need to respond better and that he is worried that they are just going to find another way to drop me since they don't like working with me. Her for not trying more than my cell. He said he wasn't going to dismiss the petition but would live it open saying that they need to work with me and for me to try and be more available.

After I spoke with the woman who is supposed to be my lawyer and I told her that I HAD to concentrate on getting a new job as I had NO money and was struggling. I told her I had found a new job but that I needed to pass an examine before I could start and that was more important and that I was still trying to make money at my present job. She told me that a big reason that her boss was upset was because my W's firm has been calling and bugging them 2 times a day! Seems that W is in a big hurry to get this done and over with and in turn they have been on them. Last that I heard, W's lawyer wanted us to go to mediation or appear before a judge and let him decide sans lawyers. To me this is them looking for a way to avoid court and a "real" trial. Seems FIL is wanting to save his money. Of course, my lawyer, having no way to make MORE money, also doesn't want to go to trial! I should have known that my W was behind all this in some way as she as asked me two times about my lawyer since she told me that her lawyer told her my lawyer was dropping me. She should be hoping that I don't lose my lawyer as that would make it more likely that it takes longer!

My only worry now is that my lawyer is going to just want to give up everything to get it over with. He has once or twice before, after getting something from my W's lawyer seemed to think they were making sense...that is until I gave him more info (like the student loans and my cashing in my retirement). I think, as a young lawyer, he isn't as "sure" of himself and listens to what an older, seasoned, lawyer like my W's says. I don't like that but I also don't have money for another one (at least not yet). I'm going to look into what I can do if he says to take something I don't think is fair, just in case. Of course I need to find time and that isn't something I have right now. Well, Merry Christmas from MLC land, I think W wants this over with in time for the New Year and she is and FIL are pushing to get that done.

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

Your lawyer cannot accept anything with out first passing it by you for your agreement. If you wife is in a hurry to get it done, you are in the driver seat. Keep strong to what you want and don't back down. Make sure you pay attention to every form of contact and if you have any questions about something you are uncomfortable with then come here first before responding. If they push for a response then say you are reviewing it and will get shortly.

[Matt165]

Hello everyone. I need some advice, badly.
Well, my lawyer is still on my case for now. He and my W's lawyer (and W) are in a big hurry to get things over with and finalize the D. I am realizing that this is not what I want. I realize now that part of the reason this bothers me is because of the fact it is the last step. After this, my M is well and truly over. My family as it was is over. Not only that, the timing, during the X-Mass holiday's is also a problem as it will be a reminder every year of the end of 21 years of M and the pain my W has caused those that love her the most. Not only has the holiday season not slowed my W or given her any pause, it has seemed to have the opposite effect. She seems more desperate than ever to get the "cure" to all that pains her, the end of her M. She still seems to think that it will be the magic cure all for her. She left the weekend of my D19's birthday which means that every year on her birthday we will be reminded of her leaving, now she wants the holiday's (and my D14's birthday, which is this week) to be a reminder of the final nail in the coffin of our M. I'm starting to think that my W acting on the girls birthdays isn't a coincidence. It may in fact be a reminder to her that she is getting older and THAT is one of her biggest fears...that she is running out of time. Just like so many MLCers, she has been obsessed that she must do this as time is short.

I'm sure the fact that my life is not yet in control, that I haven't yet started my new job and and gotten my financial house in order from the hit I took because of my W's great timing, is also weighing on me. I would like to at least have started getting things in order before I have to deal with finalizing the D. Her journey of total selfishness is still in full swing, I see zero progress toward self awareness, no realization of her own part in how she has gotten to where she is now. I really believe she has much, much more "baking" to do before she is even close to getting through her MLC. Way too much time needed to "wait" her out. In fact, she probably needs to get the D she seems to think is the ultimate answer before she will ever make any real progress. I would just rather that it didn't happen now.

I don't have the time and energy I really want to have for this meeting right now. Going in broke, trying to study for a new job, work the job I have now, not let the people I work with now know I plan on leaving, etc. isn't how I want to be. I want to be in a better position, more stable, more in control. I just don't see a way to keep her and her lawyer at bay until I can make progress on those fronts. My own lawyer seems to want to get things over and done asap. Of course part of me doesn't want to ever need to do this. You know that tiny sliver of hope that we all have that our S will somehow "wake-up" and stop the madness. That I do understand is just a fantasy. I realize that. I just would rather go into this strong and in control!

Anyone have any thoughts on this? Am I just best off doing this now and getting it over with? Am I missing anything that I just haven't seen yet?

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

Christmas is next week. What are the odds that they can get everything ready to go to court as well as get a time in court set so you can finalize this? I don't see it happening. My guess is the best it can happen is during the first couple weeks of January. I was asked the question last week and given the idea it will be happening for me this week. Again, no movement. I suspect that a date of January 8 will be used since we already had an appearance set for that date. So, I would not get worked up over what will probably not happen.

I agree with your assessment that you wife needs to get the D out of the way to make room for her to hopefully start to get well. My wife is the same situation. Until their fixation is cleared out of the way and they learn the truth they will not make any progress.

[TSquared2]

this bothers me is because of the fact it is the last step. After this, my M is well and truly over. My family as it was is over.

This is scary, and sad. I felt that, still do every now and then for a few minutes. Not what we wanted, not what we pictured our lives becoming. But it is reality, which we need to accept and let go of the life we thought we wanted, and build the new life that is being given to us. <--- and that is kinda scary too, isn't it? Until it turns into the excitement of a new adventure, with you in the driver's seat...

I want to be in a better position, more stable, more in control. I just don't see a way to keep her and her lawyer at bay until I can make progress on those fronts. My own lawyer seems to want to get things over and done asap.

Can you define a date...like LT said, after the holidays? You know why they are pushing, both lawyers. Maybe see if you saying, "We can meet January 6th, not sooner" will work?

[Matt165]

Thanks guys,
So, called my lawyer. I got his message last night after work, called back at lunch today and they say "Can you come in at 2:00 today"? I can't. I have to be 52 miles away for a meeting that may allow me to (finally) make some money. She gets upset saying my lawyer is going on vacation starting tomorrow and then asks "When did I call, a couple days ago?". No, she called YESTERDAY and I got back the next day. She is trying to say I was ignoring her call! I mean a couple days ago would be Saturday, I doubt that she would have called on a weekend. She gets huffy and says she will need to talk to my lawyer and call back. This is such a pain. I feel like my lawyer is more concerned with doing what my W's lawyer wants then what I want. Maybe if they weren't so concerned with trying to drop me and had set up a meeting before his vacation instead, we wouldn't be here now. My cell is only working when it's plugged in to a power source so I can't call back right away as I have to get the message first. This seems to really bug my lawyers office. I hate that I have to deal with this, my D14's birthday is today as well. My D19 is having problems with her boyfriend and wants my help getting to work as well. Added to all the other stuff that you already know I'm dealing with and I may just explode.

This is my life now solely because of my W and her MLC. I need to get my life in order. I need to stop this madness. That has to come first because I can't live this way. 15 years of working and doing better and better each year . If my W had left before I started this new business I wouldn't be in this position. No, she waited until I needed her the way she had counted on me for so long. Until I actually thought I could trust her.

I have to get past this point. I am close IF I can get this testing done. I am starting to feel like the universe is against me, like I'm being punished for something I didn't do. What I did do was trust my W totally. I trusted that she was honest when she said we would always be together, that she would back me, that we were in this life together. It was this total trust in her that has gotten me to this point. It is a lesson. A lesson about the nature of people in general and how it is one needs to live their life. I understand now that my biggest mistake was trusting anyone as totally as I did my W. I shouldn't have allowed myself to be as exposed as I was. I should have made certain that if something happened I would be at least somewhat protected but I didn't. I will never trust anyone totally again as long as I live. If I couldn't trust the person I devoted myself to, that I raised a family with, that went through good times and bad together for over 25 years, how can I ever trust another soul?

It's still hard for me to be selfish. I still tend to think of others first, including my W. When she asks for something from me I still provide it (the latest being some things from our home that were given to us and she wanted because she was having a X-mass party for her workmates). I still go out of my way for my daughters (something I will keep doing until my dying day. I won't let my W's actions change that). I still tend to be overly loyal to those I work for and with...but I am making progress. Still, it makes me somewhat sad. Sad to think that we are all at least somewhat alone in this life. That you can't trust anyone totally no matter how long you have been together or what they have promised or what words they have said. From now on I will only trust family, real family by blood. This is the gift my W has given me. She has shown me that total trust is for the foolish. I can only hope that she learns some lessons of her own. If not just for herself but for the sake of her daughters and their futures.

[Wonka]

Matt,

I'm sorry that you're having a rough time keeping things afloat while swimming upstream on this D negotiation.

1) Are you able to get your old job back where you made very good money? Possible?
2) If you aren't happy with your own L, then can you seek out a different one?

You can only control the controllable. Focus on that, buddy.

[Georgiabelle]

Matt,

I'm sorry you are struggling now. Things will get better. Hopefully you get to spend some quality time with your D today on her birthday.

You can do this. Keep at it!