Help - I want my sparkle back

[job]

You have 4 weeks before your departure and anything can happen in those 4 weeks. For now, I wouldn't worry about contacting him, i.e., wait and see what happens and if you really feel the need to say goodbye, then do so the morning you leave.

At this time, I wouldn't tell him what your plans are to return. Has he been open w/you about his comings and goings? Your leaving most likely will not have any affect on him right now because he's in the selfish "me, me, me" mode.

Your paths will cross again and again because of your children. However, it's going to take some time for him to settle down into his little fantasy world. As for him being happy, he may appear to be happy right now because his new found freedom is light a shiny new toy and once the shine wears off and the newness of his situation becomes a routine, things will change. Many of them will appear to be happy around you and you can take this one to the bank...they won't tell you they made a mistake or they are unhappy. If you are one of the lucky ones, at the end of his journey, when he wakes up, he may share w/you about his feelings and admit that he wasn't happy...but that's a long way down the path.

For now, focus on you, your trip and your S18. Leave the man/child twirling in the wind.

[Shining]

Hi, Lou. First, I'm sorry you're here. You sound like you're doing well, all things considered.

I'll be glad to offer my .02 regarding your questions.

So my questions are :
Do I contact him before I go to say goodbye?

If telling H to say goodbye is attached to any expectation from him, sort through that first. Going in with any expectations above zero, will be a set up for disappointment.

Now, if you FEEL it should be communicated because that's what YOU want to do, regardless of how he responds, I would consider it.

Don't do anything solely for his benefit right now.

If yes, what do I say.

I have found that shorter, factual, non-emotional words are best. Just state the logistics. Anything else will possibly be seen as pursuing, or R talk.

Do I tell him I am back when I return?

IMO, see how you feel at that point. Keeping expectations set at zero. Much can happen between now and then. One step at a time.

Do you think me leaving will have an affect on him - what should I expect and how do I deal with it.

It could. If it is MLC, then expect the unexpected. The craziest things can be said. Things turn from sweet to crazy venom spew in seconds.

Lou, I see you trying to plan, prepare, figure this out, learn what to say, when to say it. It's all very normal. We all do this when we find our lives have flipped upside down.

The thing is, there is no way to know how your H will respond.

The best thing for you right now, is to keep doing what you're doing. Keep the focus on you. Not on his reactions. You'll drive yourself crazy. And I know, because I did it for a long, long time. A few of my good friends here can attest to that.

I don't want to do or say something that will cause problems or stress for me or him. I want him to feel safe coming to me when he needs it, but I also need to protect myself from more hurt. This MLC thing is a minefield !!
:o) xx

Oh, yeah. The minefield.

Here's the thing. There isn't really one single thing or comment that will be a game-changer in this entire process. You will find yourself saying some things that have a positive impact. Other things you'll decide you won't say again. It will be different for you than anyone else here.

For me, I found that validating H emotions was huge. I didn't necessarily agree with his choices. I validated how he felt.

Other stuff....Judgmental comments can often make them run. Relationship talks are not good. Have you read Sandi's 37 rules? I think it's in newcomers....

This is going to be a long road. Not an easy one.

This journey your H has to take, is also an opportunity for your own journey. You'll learn so much about yourself if you do the work. You won't regret it.

I think it's great that your going on this trip, Lou. It truly is the hardest thing to get out of their way, to allow them to walk on their own. I'm still working on that, myself.

(((((Hugs)))))

[NLW]

Hi LouR,
Just wanted to chime in with some 'advice' as requested by you - but, please, keep in mind that I am in no position to be taken seriously... I am 3-and-a-half years since BD, now D-ed, and with no sign of XH being anything other than increasingly nasty and punitive.

So, that being said!, here's the benefit of my experience:

Nothing that you do or say will have much effect on your H. Other than that if you continue to try for R talk and contact with him, he will pull away even further.

In my case, XH is a controller and so is always telling me what I should do - in relation to finances and kids - so when I don't do what he says, I can be pretty certain that some sort of retaliation will follow.

You seem to know already what you need to do:
"I know I need to stand back and allow him to work though his own journey and I need to keep moving forward on mine."

This sounds like the best plan. As others have said, do what feels right for you and your boys.

You cannot expect anything from this man. Remember: he was the one you thought you could depend on for ever. He is not that man any more and, in this sense, you don't know him at all, and hence cannot have any expectations.

I really connected with your story - I heard exactly the same words at BD: "I can't do this anymore. I want my freedom".

And then he went off like a kid in a candy store, spending wildly and living it up with OW, completely without care for what our kids (12 and 15 at the time) thought or felt.
Nothing much has changed for him after 3 years....He still appears to have it all and we continue to feel the unfairness.

But we also feel better off without him in so many ways, and we have learnt to be better people.

I am in Aus and felt a kind of connectedness to see that you're living in NZ.

Try to enjoy your trip back to the UK - the idea of returning to be close to your sons sounds like a good idea to me - even big kids need their mum! In any case, you can go with the flow now that you're not so tied down and have the opportunity to try out so many new things.

Best, NLW.

[LouR]

I have been reading through threads and am starting to see that my H's crisis started a long time ago - in fact i would say 4 years ago - when he hit 40.

He went through a period over 2 years which was similar to what he is doing now - he didn't leave me or our home though, he struck up a online relationship with women on a swingers website, stated talking about sex fantasies (which I refused to allow play out), he was secretive, manipulative, controlling, self-centered and selfish. He put me down and belittled me, then he persuaded me that it was me who had a problem and I should seek help.

After 2 yrs he changed job ..again .. and he started to feel good about himself again - he said it was like he had been living in a fog and it had lifted - he was mortified how he had treated me, said he couldn't remember some of it, and then he went into damage control with us as by that time I was all but ready to leave him. He said he felt that he had taken on too much - changing job & studying for a degree etc and that it all must have got on top of him, but he was fine now.

Fast forward 18 months later - everything seemed fine, we were happy again, everything was coming together, big promotion, last S leaving home, making plans for our future and then he chucked bomb1 at me.

And here we are again - but this time he has left me, no longer 'in love with me or physically attracted to me", replaced me with OW within 8 weeks of leaving (24yrs years and I can be replaced that quick = hurt and pain ) as mentioned in my first post, he is out there sucking in life with all his might.

So it seems that this maybe round 2 for me. Does this happen often, is he still in crisis or did he come out of crisis a couple of years ago and this is a separate issue -he said he has changed, that it changed him - so maybe this is just a normal sad ending to my marriage? I don't know now.

As everyone has pointed out, this now has to be about me and that is where my focus tries very hard to be. Everything I do, the decisions I now make, none of them include him. I know my marriage is over, he doesn't want it anymore and it doesn't matter what I want, he has made his decision and it was his to make.

I read yesterday that we are like two trees standing side by side that have grown together, our roots and branches have entwined and trying to untangle us without doing damage to our branches and roots takes time, if done too quickly is risks permanent damage. I like that - I understand that. This is going to take time for me, I must allow myself to feel how I feel when I feel it, know its ok. One day I will be untangled and my branches will be swaying in the wind free again. My roots - I feel will always be tangled with his, he was a huge part of of life - I spent over half of it with him by my side, he leaves a void and emptiness inside me that only he can fill. I still love him as deeply as ever, what he is doing to me and my boys is painful, sad, confusing and shocking but by what I have read it sounds like he is lost. I just hope that one day he finds the happiness he is looking for.

[job]

I would venture to say that your h never left his crisis. He may have been simmering for a while and it picked up where he left off in full throttle. Sounds like he had a lot on his plate and it blew his fuse, so to speak. It appears that the promotion and your son leaving home may have jump started him once again.

Sometimes this happens whereby they start the crisis and then continue on in a slow simmer until something else tips the scales. There are times when something or someone will snatch them back into reality when they've entered the crisis and they appear to be back to normal. When this happens, the mlcer will eventually go back into crisis and the second time around it will be worse. Not saying that you or something snatched him back, but there have been cases such as this.

You've got a good handle on what you need to do. Remember...you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Keep your expectations very low or even at zero. Keep the focus on you and your family. Above all else, take care of yourself. It's not you, but him that is very lost right now. Dig deep for patience, understanding and compassion for him because it will be a very painful journey for him because he's running from everything right now. You, on the other hand, are facing everything up front and center. Your healing will be far quicker than his because of this.

[LouR]

Job - thank you so much for your words.

They mean so much to me - today I am struggling. My heart and head are in conflict and I feel like I am in a washing machine of turmoil - that's stuck on spin cycle!

This morning I received a call from my S18 college to say his scholarship application has been granted - I am so proud of him and happy he has found something he is passionate about but it means that he won't be coming with me now - I will be leaving my baby very soon.

I now feel like I have lost everything - my husband, best friend, marriage, role in life (was a housewife and full time mum for 21yrs), my home, my money and now my children are grown up and my role in their lives is changing. So many changes all in a few months. With me moving soon, it all gets a bit overwhelming sometimes.

Don't mind me, I will be ok - its just one of those days !!!!! Its just good to get it out instead of keeping it bottled up. I worry my friends here are thinking I am becoming a broken record, so I don't want to push to the limits of friendship. I do have many angels in my life, I have met so many wonderful people along my journey already, people who would never have come on my path if I had not been going through this. So thank you to you all.

xxx

[job]

LouR,
Come here to vent, chat or share your day. The board is always "open" and will not turn members away just because they are having down days or feeling a bit blue.

Congratulations go to your S18. At least the scholarship will help out w/expenses and it's such an honor to receive one. You babies are leaving the nest and you are leaving everything familiar and dear to you, but I promise you, life is waiting for you w/open arms because there is so much to learn, experience and enjoy out there. It will take some time for you to find your footing, but you'll get there.

As for your children, you have all of the electronic means to communicate w/them, as well as trips to and from and just think, visits w/him will be meaningful and boy, will he miss his mom being near him. He will have a greater appreciation for all you've done for him.

You've had a lot going on the last few months, but once you are settled, you'll be so busy that you won't have time to spend on wondering about your h.

You are going to be just fine. Be kind and patient w/yourself. Again, the board is always open. Someone is here generally 24/7 and no one is turned away.

[Georgiabelle]

Lou,

I'm just catching up and you've received advice from some of the best. You are doing amazingly well and congrats to your s on the scholarship! That is fan-freaking-tastic!!!!!

There is no other way to say it than this while sitch sukks. I'm so terribly sorry you find yourself here. I remember when I first joined I though my sitch was "unique" and these peeps here "just didn't know my h." Wrong! This crazy script for MLC isn't Oscar worthy but rather strait jacket/ padded room worthy in my very humble opinion.

I know it's difficult feeling like you've lost so much. You sound like an intelligent, funny, compassionate woman and those are remarkable qualities. Leave your h to his journey. It's really his deal. We all have changes we could make so any changes you should make need to be for you. Try to be the best Lou you can be and please know that it's okay to vent here. Cry. Laugh. You will get through this.
And always try to take the high road. It can be extremely difficult (waiving arms, kicking legs up in the air and jumping up and down over here). It's not to be perceived a certain way-rather to be the person you want to be.

Hang in there!!

[LouR]

Thanks so much GB - appreciated muchly.

I know that I am only at the beginning - which is kinda a depressing thought - but I am so grateful that I have stumbled on this site and all of you wonderful understanding people - its gonna make my journey a little less daunting knowing I have company to hold my hand along the way.

Had a meltdown this morning - but feeling a lot better - like a geyser letting off steam.

Been trying to get the last of my things packed, removals come next week - not taking much back with me, my life fits into 14 boxes ..... got rid of anything that was "ours" and starting afresh .... but currently thinking of travelling for a bit before I settle down .....because I can :o) x

[LouR]

S18 has officially cancelled his flight to the UK :o( Ah well - big changes for both of us. He has promised to try and have a skype date once a week with me.