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LouR Offline OP
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Hi Everyone,

After reading through some of the posts on this forum I am more inclined to believe my husband is going through a MLC. My friends, family and Dr have said that’s what they think it is, I suppose I will never know for sure – perhaps I am just looking for an explanation as to what has just happened to us.

A short brief about him and what he has been up to – everything seemed normal, playing happy families, we were planning a trip across USA for our 25th wedding anniversary, he had just got a big promotion so we were about to move and our youngest son is about to leave home so we were looking forward to a second phase of life honeymoon period!

He turned to me one night and said “I can’t do this anymore” no negotiation, no real explanation; just that he was unhappy, felt suffocated and felt that there was more to life, he wanted to have freedom – freedom to choose. He said he has a fear of the ups and downs of life with me; that he could not continue to prop us both up?? Not sure what that means – I won’t say our marriage is perfect, or that I am perfect, far from it, but I don’t know anyone who is ….I am no Mary Poppins – but close ha ha!!

So he left, started his new position and is now like a kid in a candy store. He is never at home, does anything he wants, whenever he wants. 8 weeks after he left he dropped bomb 2; he had found someone new. I was completely devastated, and that is when I realized I could not cope with going through this alone and made the decision to return to the UK where my family are. OW has two younger children (he told me before he left this was not about finding someone new, he didn't want a relationship as that defeated the object of the exercise, and certainly would not want anyone with kids as he is past that stage now and doesn't want the ties. Now he has changed that to – I didn't know I would feel like this about anyone else, her kids aren't babies so that’s ok). After a couple of months, she told him she wants another baby in the future, he said he doesn't and that was it, end of relationship.

He contacted me and said he felt he had made a mistake with us, eventually I said I would see him, we spent an evening together (just dinner) and the next day he told me it was a mistake, he didn't feel he was in love with me anymore, he didn't feel anything physical, he just saw me as a best friend – loves and cares for me like he does his mum!! So rejection 2.

I broke down, was in a mess, he broke down and sounds more of a mess than me. He confessed he is getting in to debt living his new lifestyle but can’t stop and said that he knows something has changed inside him, that he has become selfish and life is all about him, but feels that the old him was a doormat and he hates that person more than the new person, he said he is really happy, it was the best decision he has made (harsh), this is who he is now and I need to accept that we are over and he doesn't want me anymore. He promised me no more dating or relationships until I left the country as I found that really hard to deal with and he said that he wants to make this as easy as possible for me.

Since then I have been told by our eldest that he is back with OW - she saw her counselor (long story – custody battle for kids – which makes me wonder what sort of women is she, as judges don’t consider giving custody to the dad unless there is an issue with the mum – anywhoo) she decided that having another baby was about having control of something in her life so she didn't need a baby after all. He is happy with that explanation (idiot ;o) ) and they are back together – despite promising me he wouldn't –

I have taken on board everyone’s advice and am doing NC, I have had complete NC now for 3 weeks and before that it was emails and some phone calls to sort out finances, talk kids etc. I do admit that during the early days/weeks I would contact him about all sorts, mainly when I heard what he was doing – it upset me.He was ringing me every week for a “chat” as he wants to remain friends but that has stopped since getting back with her. I have completed a college course since he left, started job hunting (I have been a stay at home mum and housewife for 21yrs) I have sold our house, paid all the debts off (turns out he has spent all our money over the years so we came out with just enough to cover our debts and keep me and youngest alive until I move and hopefully get a job), I have taken my name off anything that is connected to him, organised my move back to the uk, I leave just before Christmas. I have taken up exercising every day and am starting to make future decisions that don’t include him – I have taken up journaling – all day sometimes – and doing as many distraction things as possible – sewing, doodle pad coloring, exercising, talking to friends (who all live away from me)

It’s been 5 months since he left. Everyone tells me it gets better, but it doesn't. It seems to be that I have one step forwards, two steps back – like the powers upstairs say “hey, she is moving forwards, can’t have that, let’s throw some more at her”( the latest being that my youngest has been offered a scholarship for college here and has decided to stay – I am of course very proud of him, but on the flip side really sad to be leaving my baby behind as that was not the original plan - so now I am having a wobble about leaving) Every day is a new day – I get that – but that elusive positive day just does not arrive. I feel like I am living on a rollercoaster and its making me feel sick. I cycle through the stages round and round they go. I still have this stupid fantasy that he will stop me from leaving, or come and get me once I have gone; but I know it’s just a fantasy and reality is that he doesn’t want me anymore and I am not sure I want him back as the new version of him anyway.

My problem at the moment is that he does not leave my head – I don’t want him there, I am distracting myself as much as possible, but he is still there. The whole situation feels unreal, like I am living in a dream – or a nightmare!

It really winds me up that he gets to smush me and my life into the ground and he walks away smiling and getting to have this happy, shiney, exciting new life.

I know that one day I will have that too, but how is it right that he gets to have it all when he is the one who has caused all the pain ? I find myself hoping to hear of a failure, a disaster – just enough to cause him pain, the same pain he is causing me to feel – but it doesn’t happen, he just gets to have it all …… I know, its bitterness, it’s not a nice trait to have and certainly not me, I have become someone I don’t recognise at times.

So I suppose I am asking for help. Help to keep me moving forwards as I am losing steam. Any insights would be gratefully received – like will he regret this, am I giving up on my marriage, am I doing the right thing by leaving the country, any tips on keeping me moving forwards.

I have lost my sparkle and I want it back :o)

Thanks for taking time out in your day to read this x

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Hi Lou.

Wow. It sure sounds like MLC to me. Pretty typical.

I don't have much to offer you except that it DOES get better. You said that it doesn't, but it does. It just takes A LOT of TIME.

Your husband's MLC will destroy you IF YOU LET IT. That is why it is so important to work on you and detach. You'll get sick of hearing detach before this is all said and done, but you must do it. It is the only way.

Anyways, welcome to the boards. There are many here who have stood in your shoes. I'm sure Cadet will be around shortly to give you some great reading material. Make sure you read it. Read it TWICE. It's very valuable stuff.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Hi LouR. I feel your pain. I really do. I know what it feels like to have everyone tell you that it will get better and you just can't seem to believe it. It does not seem possible. It seem like the only way for it to get better is to rewind and put things back the way they are supposed to be.

Well, I can tell you, for sure, this is going to be tough. It will be a long road. You will have really bad days (real optimistic, huh?!), but with that, it WILL get better. The thing is, you just have to keep moving.

Every time you have a moment of crying, screaming, anger, frustration, sadness... all that mess... that is you working through it. You are getting it out. And it is better to get it out than to keep it in. Journaling... that is great. I did a ton for the first... many, many months. Then I came here. I let it all out. It has helped tremendously. But, there has to be more. You have to live too.

I am so glad to hear that you are taking step to establish you independence. That is great.

I know there is a lot more in there that you want to share and need to get out. Go ahead and do it. We all understand. We have been through it and/or are going through it. This is a safe place. I am glad you came.

Keep reading, keep getting it out. Keep taking steps for you and your kids. You can do this. I can tell you are strong by the choices you have made so far. I understand how hurtful it is to be rejected. I totally get it. You will see that it really isn't about you at all.

Keep your head up!

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You seem to doing all the right steps to stay strong. That is amazing.

This is so hard and choose to keep going and not to wallow in self pity is more then most people would do. Give yourself a big pat on the back.

Early on I was always writing gratitude lists even if they were just in my head. Thankful that I had healthy kids, thankful that I had family, thankful that I had money for food and shelter.

What he has done to you and your family is truly awful but don't let him drag you down with him. You have so much good stuff to live for and enjoy, its nice to hear about you enjoying yourself through crafts and exercise.

We are hear for you keep posting:)


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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I really feel for you. Honestly, we have all been there, and that is not to trivialise it, just to say we understand.

You have done what you can to protect yourself financially, but surely you are entitled to support from your husband? Do get this in place, as it may be easier before you leave the US. I wish I had acted sooner to protect myself financially.

The other two things - I had therapy, and I took anti-depressants for about 3 months, because I could not get my (now) xh out of my head. I am not a big fan of these, but they really really helped me over a rough patch.

It does get better, but it is a very long haul for most of us. We invested our lives in our marriage, only to discover that this other person was living a parallel existence.

Everything your husband is saying is script - although mine never wanted us to remain friends, many years on, says that he did want us to be friends!

Truly I do not think friendship is possible with a MLCer. There is no kindness and no empathy, no concern for anyone but themselves. Although we miss what we had, these can be toxic people.

It is very very sad. Eventually you will be fine, and from what I have seen here, these MLCers are not. Many years on my xh is still not happy, but the trail of devastation is a mile wide!

As for the OW - we tend to obsess about them, but generally they act like trailer trash. That is not to be dismissive of them as people, but the choices they make in life tend to be destructive, and self serving. But for a while at least your husband will not see the cracks.

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LouR Offline OP
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Hi,

Thank you so much for your really kind words of encouragement. It is so humbling to know there are people out there - strangers to me - who are willing and happy to help me through this. You are all amazing.

I had a good talk with S18, he said to know that he does not feel that I am walking away from him, that he is choosing to stay without me and that it was his decision to change our plans. I really don't want him to feel like both of his parents have abandoned him - his dad does not contact him very often and S18 can't be bothered with his dad, plus he is not happy about what he has done. S21 feels the same, although he lives near his dad so he tends to see him a lot more. Neither of them like OW but of what she represents more than her as a person.

After a lot of thought today and a chat with a good neighbour, I have decided to treat my move as a trip instead, a chance to have some time out, catch up with friends and family and hopefully re set. I really don't want to live on the other side of the world from both my boys, they are my priority now. So as I am in the privileged situation of no ties or commitments I can come and go as I please. Just need to get a range of skills to make sure I can get work anywhere! Thinking Barista, bar work, waitress - any other suggestions?

I have been thinking about my goals. I started off making so many, so scraped the whole lot and decided to put only things down that are really important to me. I put my first one on my list yesterday. It may sound really silly to some - but its to have savings. To earn money and save some, even if its just a few $ each week. Its really important to me, as he just spent spent spent, on nothing. I have nothing to show for it, no fantastic memories - it was him spending on status things; private schools for the boys - we really did not have the money for it and we certainly not suited to that world, be he felt he was and I think he got a buzz from the status.

He wrote to me not long ago about his spending problem - his words were : I bought and sold cars like it was a game, I bought and sold houses like it was monopoly and I chased a career with no regard to you or the boys.

I had a large inheritance from my mother and have been mortified to find its all gone. I must have been living under a rock all this time - I feel so gullible and stupid for not seeing it.

Sometimes I get a glimpse of the old him - the guy I fell in love with. So I know he is in there somewhere. Maybe one day he will return to the land of sanity, I hope for his sake he does soon, as he is doing so much damage to his life - and from reading past posts from people who have gone through it, it sounds terrible. I do still hope that he does get some pain in his life as it really does not feel fair that he gets to "have it all".

I know its all about me now. Regaining control over my own emotions and thoughts. I put my hand up and declare that i suffer from Doormat Syndrome (they have a syndrome for everything else so I presume there is a doormat one lol.) I would do anything for anyone, I am useless at saying NO.

At the end of the day, the man I never imagined would hurt me ever has done the unimaginable. It gonna hurt ....and it does ....big time.

Again, thanks to you all. I really appreciate you all pushing me forwards. I love reading all the posts from start to finish, all the updates on lives and how they have changed. Keeps me optimistic that I will survive this and come out smiling once again.

I saw a saying today - Everyone likes happiness, no one likes pain, but how can you make a rainbow, without a little rain.

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LouR Offline OP
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beatrice - thank you so much for your post.

Finances - he agreed to give me all the proceeds from the house (which I have already hidden in a savings account), child support until Dec and has kept me and s18 housed, fed and bills pd until I leave in Dec. To be honest he has no money, he is in big debt already, taken out a loan for ....a car ... and I have just discovered he stopped his pensions years ago so has no retirement plan now. I have talked to a solicitor and my dad (who is really clued up on anything financial) about spouse support and after weighing up all the pros and cons I have decided to keep the money he has given me and walk away. I just want it over, not dragged through courts, not risk him not paying me, quitting his job, filing for bankruptcy or various other things he can do to get out of paying me. To accept support from him means I am tied to him. I would rather walk away. I can do this on my own. I don't need him - By not accepting his help, I will have done this on my own.

I live in NZ so not sure the same laws apply as US.

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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and
we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version,
sorry for the confusion.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Reccomended Reading thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483893#Post2483893

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...619#Post2484619

MLC for Dummies
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=1

Great one liners
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post894543

TMAK Reconnection
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...011#Post2485011

Snippits from the Anne Sheffield depression site
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=851708#Post851708

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484259#Post2484259

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

Odds and Ends from Delboy
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2488315#Post2488315

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.

I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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LouR Offline OP
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Thank you Cadet - That's my weekend distractions taken care of !!

I have started wading through them and have learnt a lot. So much of it makes sense and its like looking at pages from my journals. I especially like reading from those who have been through a MLC - from their point of view and experience - its still hard to have empathy for my H but I am starting to get a better understanding of what he is going through himself.

One person said - if you think your MLC'er is happy, your wrong. That is hard to imagine when he tells me he is happy, the happiest he has ever been. He appears to be happy when he is out enjoying all the things he has always wanted to do, having the life he has always wanted to have and being with someone who makes him feel all gooey inside. How on earth is that him being unhappy, whether it is false or not, he is still having those moments of joy and happiness while I am left to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of what has just happened to my marriage and husband. Sorry - just winds me up thinking about it.

The description of what the OW tends to be like is so true in my case, she is damaged and insecure herself - a doormat, someone he can control. I don't know if she is a "keeper" or not for him. Only time will tell.

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LouR Offline OP
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As for me at the moment - I would like some advise if possible.

I have not had any contact with him for 3 weeks, he knows I am leaving the country and at the time our s18 was coming with me. I leave in 4 weeks time, he is under the impression its a permanent move and I am only coming back Feb 2016 to see my S21 and for a wedding.

But as things have changed and S18 is now staying I have decided to return to NZ earlier to most likely live for a while - I think just need time out and space.

So my questions are :
Do I contact him before I go to say goodbye?
If yes, what do I say.

Do I tell him I am back when I return?

Do you think me leaving will have an affect on him - what should I expect and how do I deal with it.

I don't want to do or say something that will cause problems or stress for me or him. I want him to feel safe coming to me when he needs it, but I also need to protect myself from more hurt. This MLC thing is a minefield !!

I do hope that one day our paths may cross again, but for now I know I need to stand back and allow him to work though his own journey and I need to keep moving forward on mine.

Sorry I don't use abbreviations - I have just copied them all so will start to learn them - more homework :o) xx


Last edited by LouR; 11/15/14 09:35 PM. Reason: change date
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