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Joined: Sep 2014
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Hi Jefe,

I throw the question back at you.

If this wasn’t your wife what would you think about someone asking you to carry out their threat to hurt you?

Break it down.

Pretend you had a friend and they got angry at you.

While you were arguing with this friend they threatened to take you to small claims court. Later, you and the friend reconciled and the friend apologized.

Two weeks later you got into another fight and the friend threatened to take you to small claims court again. But, as with the first fight you reconciled and the friend did not file in small claims court.

The third time you got in a fight the friend demanded that you file the lawsuit for him in small claims court so he could sue you.

What would you think about this behavior?


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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I would think that the friend really has no intentions of filing suit but wants to make it very clear to me that they are hurt by my actions. So hurt, in fact that they feel like I have already filed suit through my actions. Or possibly in my wife's case, if you are hurting me this badly you must want a divorce, why don't you just get one already.


Yikes!

Is that what you're seeing and trying to get me to see, Hope?


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
Let's throw it out to the group and ask them.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Jefe Offline OP
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Well, Hope. I appreciate all you do for me. I am trying to be a good student. I reread back over your posts often and catch something new almost every time. I still feel like you are reading the situation very clearly and correctly. I also feel like I want to try and hurry up this 12 step stuff along but my sponsor keeps slowing me down so I am learning to let my will go and just follow for a while.

I have noticed, like I mentioned before that this is following a very similar path to the original break-up before marriage. Which I think you identified early on as well. I also see that door I shut last Friday was a little more detrimental that I originally thought and we're just now coming back out of it.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
H
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Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
You and your wife follow very specific patterns of behavior.

Before you can have a healthy marriage you have to identify where the conflicts arise and how to resolve them.

Your sponsor is correct. You need to slow down and review where you have been, where you are and how you got here. Then decide where you want to be and what you need to do to get there.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Jefe Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Hope, I think I can map out for you this last conflict and a few of the others and show exactly where they arose. You already almost perfectly mapped the first one, like you were there.

Roger has been the #1 source of conflict in our marriage, I think I effectively "shot the hostage" on that one this past weekend. It may take a while for that to sink in but I refuse to fight about it from this point forward. We have some healing to do with Roger, but I'm DONE fighting. The rest is actually fairly simple. I just have to get to the R point first.



Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Jefe Offline OP
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Posts: 1,104
Originally Posted By: Jefe 11/12/14
WOW, wife called to say thank you for something I did for her today and said: "Thank you for all you did today, you definitely made my day a whole lot better."

Very nice and completely unexpected.


Again wow, I just got a random text out of the blue that said: "Thanks for all you do."



Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
J
Jefe Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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