Need help. Jefe's always confused. Pt 6

[Maybell]

I moved things around to make it easier to detach. If I made decisions in the house that he might have objected to, then it was a way to detach and move on in my own head. I don't necessarily prefer the changes to my physical space in all cases, but I've maintained them as a reminder not to pretend he's on a business trip or something, and to affirm that I get to make these decisions for myself.

I haven't read the beginning of your sitch, but I doubt your W left because she was thinking YOU weren't happy enough. Expressing your contentedness might have been a form of appreciation, or she might have read it as you being unmotivated to make changes she felt were needed.

Something to consider.

[Jefe]

Not directly, no. But I think a huge part of why she left is she felt like I treated her like I didn't love her. She felt unheard and mistreated.

[Ahoy]

Jefe, about your question on the other thread -- you can't do anything for the kids about missing their mom at home, but you can do something to make their time alone with you as fun as possible and build new memories. I'm in the same place with my daughter, as you know. She was crying about not being a family at the holidays, and I told her we'd build new memories around the holiday music that now makes her cry. So we made cookies last night and decorated the house and had a lot of fun. It's hard to do that all the time, because normal live intervenes, but I've found it to be helpful. And you're right, who would want these selfish WAS right now, anyway. More and more I realize that he is not a prize to be won.

[SunnyB]

To keep from hijacking RPP's thread...

1. I have tried to be honest with my kids as much as is appropriate. For me that means acknowledging my sadness and validating theirs. Assuring them constantly that H loves them too (I know there were times they doubted me, but I think that time has passed.) telling them I don't know what's going to happen but that I know it's all important and that I'm doing the best I can.

2. You can't tell your W how they feel. But you can try to give them the tools to be honest. In my house, two things made the difference to my H. The first was, S8 admitted he wanted to talk to a C, and he brought the resources he got to my H as well as me. That seems to have gotten my H thinking. The other was, D11 crossed some of H's boundaries (for once) that perked him up into thinking like a parent again.

You MUST let go of the idea that the kids will guilt your W into coming back. They won't. Maybe they can penetrate the fog enough that she'll start meeting their needs better. That would be a very good thing. And you have to do whatever you can to help them feel secure and loved in their current environment, without blaming anyone for the state of their environment. That's loving.

Yes on everything Maybell said.

The main thing young kids need to know about separation is that they didn't do anything to cause it (because a lot of times they think they did), they can't do anything to fix it (think Parent Trap), and that you both love them very much. I wouldn't tell them anything specific except that mommy and daddy have grown up problems that you are working on, and that you both love them and will be there for them. They will figure the rest out as they get older.

You are never going to convince your W of how the kids feel. It's something she has to figure out on her own. So don't even try to explain it to her. It's really important, however, to encourage your kids to tell mom how they feel. You could practice with them, role-play, pretend to be mom and let them say to you what they want to say to her. Then plan out a time with them that they can talk to her, maybe even pave the way with W, say, "D7 has something she wants to tell you, could you make a few minutes to sit with her today?" Your kids are little, and need some support in this area.

Here's the part where I don't know your sich well enough. Does you W live at home still? Is the issue she's not spending enough time at home, or that she lives somewhere else?

[labug]

The best thing you can do about your kids emotions is let them have them. Don't try to make them feel better. No buying puppies or ponies or cotton candy. Emotions buried don't die, they just come alive again later.

Most of us are reacting to buried emotions now, as we walk this path.

Jefe I read some of your first thread, looking for what your married life was like before BD and didn't find much. I read that you got sober 4.5 years ago. Congrats!

Are you continuing your step work? Did your W go to AlAnon? Have you read or heard that getting sober also causes R problems? Seems crazy but it's true. The dynamic changes and many times the spouse who lived through the alcoholic nightmare and didn't work through their feelings, has a difficult time. It's like they're married to a different person, one they don't know but still looks like the one who caused a lot of pain.

Who was the primary parent before her affair?

[SunnyB]

Emotions buried don't die, they just come alive again later.

Amen, labug! I am the Queen of Stuffing and Snapping. Correction, I used to be the Queen. I abdicated.

[Jefe]

Here's the part where I don't know your sich well enough. Does you W live at home still? Is the issue she's not spending enough time at home, or that she lives somewhere else?

Rppfl, my wife walked out the day after I discovered the sexting on Aug 5, and moved in with her mom. She left the kids here but for the entire month of Aug they had no idea she was even gone. She would show up before they woke up and always had some "activity" to go do that would bring her home "after they were in bed" as far as they knew. That ended the first of Sept when she decided to tell them she was living at Grandma's. From the middle of Sept to lust a few weeks ago she has been less involved with them. Lately, she has made an effort to call them every morning and has seen them the last couple of Sundays.

Who was the primary parent before her affair?

Let me answer this one first.

We agreed before D7 was born that she would be a stay home mom. So she was primary for many years. As soon as she finished breast feeding each child I was always the one who got up in the middle of the night to tend to anyone's needs. Still am. My girls are both daddy's girls and for the most part would probably run to me first if given a choice. As they grew older I'd say we both did a pretty good job of sharing the parental duties. My wife will be the first to admit she's not a snuggley type when it comes to the kids, neither is her mother. That's much more of a daddy thing.

My wife excels in keeping their day occupied, structured and fun. But school has started for both full time this year, now, and that era has ended. I am more lax and by the seat of my pants. She may not be lovey dovey but my wife has provided for this family through acts of service more than anyone could imagine. And we miss it terribly.

Jefe I read some of your first thread, looking for what your married life was like before BD and didn't find much. I read that you got sober 4.5 years ago. Congrats!

Are you continuing your step work? Did your W go to AlAnon? Have you read or heard that getting sober also causes R problems? Seems crazy but it's true. The dynamic changes and many times the spouse who lived through the alcoholic nightmare and didn't work through their feelings, has a difficult time. It's like they're married to a different person, one they don't know but still looks like the one who caused a lot of pain.

I got sober 4.5 years ago, I didn't have a program until she left. I just now got myself a fantastic sponsor and we are all in the steps. I'm working step 4 now. My wife found Al-Anon one week before I got sober. She is on sponsor #2 right now and we (my self, my sponsor, and my grand-sponsor) are starting to have some concerns that she may not be working thought the material correctly with my wife. This is the second time in a row my wife has started step work and it has blown a huge hole in the marriage. Oddly, w's sponsor started attending our church and Sunday school class right after separation. During Aug, my wife called her sponsor daily and met with her twice a week. Sept this drastically dropped off. Today, we don't know if they speak at all. Her sponsor in the last several weeks seems to be migrating toward standing with me, which is odd. I think the sponsors are planning to talk this Sunday.
My wife IS still attending Al-Anon meetings as often as her new work schedule will allow.

Alcoholic nightmare is correct. I'm so thankful for my sobriety. I am thankful my wife didn't kill me or walk away then. She has been through a lot with me and she has been a rock for our marriage.

******************************************************************

This morning after she talked to the girls, she seemed to want to linger on the phone a little. She didn't have anything to say, but I just felt like she didn't want me to hang up. Or my wishful thinking could be clouding my head again.

[labug]

As you know, you have to work your program and let her work hers. You're very early in recovery. Being sober and being in recovery are 2 very different states.

I commend you for being there for your kids all this time.

It's good that she continues in AlAnon.

It sounds like your W afforded you a lot of grace over the years. Now it's your turn.

[SunnyB]

Rppfl, my wife walked out the day after I discovered the sexting on Aug 5, and moved in with her mom. She left the kids here but for the entire month of Aug they had no idea she was even gone. She would show up before they woke up and always had some "activity" to go do that would bring her home "after they were in bed" as far as they knew. That ended the first of Sept when she decided to tell them she was living at Grandma's. From the middle of Sept to lust a few weeks ago she has been less involved with them. Lately, she has made an effort to call them every morning and has seen them the last couple of Sundays.

Ok, got it. Do you have a sharing plan? It doesn't sound like it. Kids like routines, something they can count on. "You'll spend the night with mom every Tuesday night" or "you'll spend every other Saturday with mom". Is that possible? Would your W agree to that?

It seems like the goal is to increase W's time at your house, where the girls are comfortable. Could you help them plan a special dinner or tea party that they then invite mom to? Could you ask her to watch them on the weekend because you have to run an errand? It doesn't have to be all of you all together, in fact, the girls may get more attention from mom if you are not around.

[Jefe]

Rppfl, My wife is just short of refusing to spend more than a few minutes at the house with the kids. I have offered to leave but nothing doing. I guess it makes her uncomfortable.

The only routine we have at the moment is they are supposed to spen the night Saturday nights with mommy, when she can pull it off work wise. Is is wanting to start adding Tuesdays as a hang out day too. So we'll see how that goes.

Thank you Labug, I owe her more grace than even I probably know.
I have always been there for my kids. I love my family. The kids were a huge factor in me getting and staying sober. I think the wife always hoped I'd do it for her, too. And to some extent I did. Because if I didn't quit, she was done.