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2BHappy Offline OP
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Job & Wounded

Thanks, this guy is a good friend but I'm NOT sure of his intentions. I have told him directly that we can ONLY be friends and that I'm not a cheater and would NOT want to be with a cheater (did not tell him I already got one of them). Told him that he should not talk to me about his issues with his wife.

I told him that there was no reason other co-workers should be excluded from lunch with us.

I dont want to bring this subject up with my H, not sure what he would try to make out of it and we dont need any more issues/drama and I feel like this would be something my H would use against me...not worth it.

So I told male friend, lunch with others only, no talking about his issues with his wife. We can talk about our favorite TV show -Scandal and the weather etc.

I felt this was dangerous and I need to avoid interacting with males who MAY be interested in being more then friends.

Even though my male friend insisted he is not interested in anything other then friendship.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 11/19/14 08:58 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
So I told male friend, lunch with others only, no talking about his issues with his wife. We can talk about our favorite TV show -Scandal and the weather etc.

I felt this was dangerous and I need to avoid interacting with males who MAY be interested in being more then friends.

Even though my male friend insisted he is not interested in anything other then friendship.


I think you handled this appropriately. You have set clear boundaries, any overstepping (and that includes you) should be handled swiftly and with no ambiguity.

Only tip I would add, is just to to let this be a distraction to how you work on M.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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job Offline
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I second what woundedfool has posted. You handled it w/grace and dignity and I hope he will accept what you have said. I think it's very wise to include others in any lunch dates that you have because it is not only safer for you, but it will not encourage any ideas, real or not, if he has them simmering in his head.

Keep up the good work. I think you are doing great and I'm glad you came to the board to get some advice on the matter of your friend.


Last edited by job; 11/19/14 09:56 PM.
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Originally Posted By: woundedfool

Only tip I would add, is just to to let this be a distraction to how you work on M.

I think I got screwed by auto correct....

My tip to add is DO NOT let this be a distraction to how you work on M.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Thanks..male friend acted a lil confused but told me OK if that how I feel...

Next issue...

My H is almost a clothes horder never wants to get rid of any clothes unless forced. He had sooo many clothes in a closet that the railings broke, he then moved those clothes to our laundry room a couple years back and never fixed the closet.

So I off/on complain about the clothes in laundry room, but have not said anything about them in over a year.

Last week I noticed some of the clothes were gone, I ask H if he planned to donate the clothes and he said no that he put them up?

There is no place in the house in our closets that I see these clothes, I did not YET check storage crates.

It also seems like he has taken some other clothes out of another closets but Im not 100% sure (HE HAS ALOT OF CLOTHES)


So on his phone call to me today before he goes to work (which I ginored his call 3xs, I was at lunch with team and did not want to take the call) When I finally answered he was like did you see I had called you....I said nothing,,,then he ask again and I said I would have to check,,,

He paused then got on with why he was calling anywway,,wanted to know my plans for a football game 2weeks away,,wanted to invite sSS33, SS26 and kids over to watch game with S14 and I.

So back to the issue:...

I asked H on the call, where are those clothes (from laudry room) and he ask me why do I keep asking about where the clothes are? I quickly said nevermind, he laughed a little and I did not reply,,,this ended the phone call. I did not ask about clothes from closets, since Im not sure if any have been removed.

YES...I'm wondering if he is moving clothes to someplace else in preparation for leaving...but these are clothes that he has not bbeen wearing anyway...most of the laudry room clothes were more sspring summer shirts.

No there are has been no indication otherwise that he is planning to leave.

SOOOOO...why am I focused on these clothes, I've been wanting them to be removed from laudry room for the longest,,,and there are still quite a few still hanging in laudry room, so only 50% were removed.

I'm trying to STOP myself from checking the storage crates at home, but I really want to know where he put or move those clothes too.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Jan 2000
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He may have them packed away since spring/summer is over with. I wouldn't be too worried about the clothes. The more you ask, the more determined he'll be not to tell you. The less you say about them, the better, because he will then slip up and tell you. They can't keep secrets for very long w/o telling on themselves in some way.

I would be curious too, but you can' show him just how curious you are.

Sit quietly, the answers will come when you least expect them to.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Job

Sometimes I feel like my answer is to end my M, to ask H to leave, sometimes I have a nagging feelings that I'm ignoring that "answer".

I feel like if I dont end it, that H will continue to linger in limbo and not make any real decisions about our M. H does not want the end of our M to be on him, I feel like sometimes he is just trying to wait me out, to let me get to the end of the rope and leave. I feel like he wants me to file for D so he can say "I did not leave, I was "trying", she ended it" he wants none of the responsibility of our M ending.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
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I do understand what you are saying. My xh was like that the second time he left. He kept piddling around, threatening to leave and doing anything and everything to annoy me so that I would put him out. Finally 19 days before Christmas, he threatened to leave for the final time on a Sunday. Monday evening, I say him down and told him that if he wanted to leave then go now and not wait until after Christmas. He cried like a baby; telling me he didn't know what to do and he was confused, etc. After that conversation, I never said another word and the following week he left while I was at work. He did state one evening, over dinner, he couldn't understand why I wasn't upset or thought things were normal and proceeded to tell him that I wasn't the one that wanted to leave. It didn't take long for him to pack a few things and disappear. He was actually bumming couches to sleep on and then found out that it wasn't a good idea to run away from home around the holidays. LOL!

Any way, I didn't file, but I did request a draft separation be prepared per his instructions and I had addressed everything he wanted...that dragged on 1 1/2 years and when I finally stopped the entire process, that's when he filed and I was notified just before the holidays. By that time, I wanted the divorce and get rid of him out of my life. He was toxic and pure evil. The bridges were burned and there was no going back.

So, yes, I do understand how you feel. My question to you is this....are you ready to boot him out? He may be nice right now, but he very well may turn ugly because you are forcing him to make some decisions that he really doesn't want to make.

If you have any questions about my situation, I'll be happy to answer them for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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So, these clothes that seem to be bothering the heck out of you (or at least mildly irritating) finally begin to get resolved (or at least started).

And your "knee jerk" is: where are they? are they in storage? are you moving out?

Just a thought: But why don't you try:

"Hey H, I see you started working on your clothes. Thank you, I really appreciate you taking care of them".


Last edited by woundedfool; 11/20/14 08:53 PM.

Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
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woundedfool,

Now that's a 180 and it will knock him back a few steps!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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