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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2505119&page=11

Just stopping in for a update.

I have been dim (as much as I can be while living with my MLC). This has allowed me to settled my thoughts and emotions in relation to my M.

I've gotten back to my calmness my peace my center! I know that mentally, & emotinally, I will be GREAT with whatever the outcome of my M. I truly deep down want my H and myself to be at peace and happy with life, and if that means together great and if separate that is great also.

I feel so much better when NOT thinking about my M or H, not worrying about the what if's.

This gift of time has allowed me to prepare myself, to work on myself work I will continue to do, time I'm grateful for.

YES I think it's hard with my MLC still at home, but this allowed me a slower detachment process, to sort of "get over it" but still have some type of R.

I think my H and I are getting back to being real friends.

I know that my H is being allowed to have his cake and eat it to by staying in the house but not truly commited to M. But I dont let that bother me as much, he is not the only one benefitting from this "set up".

For some crazy reason, I'm HAPPIER now then I have been in a very very long time, happier with ME, not my stitch but with myself.

I have no plans to get back on the roller coaster, I'm taking a much needed break!!

I have let my H know that soon I will be making a decision about this M, I just wanted to give him a heads up, that soon I may be leaving....

I told him I don't want him to rush to make his choice/decision, but that does not mean I will not make my choice to decide what I want/need, and it may be to be totally free of this M, so I can truly move on.

Gift of time=priceless.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Hi 2B, it’s great to hear you are in such a peaceful place with H and you sitch. It is so very important for us to get there. Great job, I’m impressed!

Originally Posted By: 2B
I feel so much better when NOT thinking about my M or H, not worrying about the what if's.


Hyper focus on the M can burn us out. Sometimes we need to just let go of it all and enjoy the rest of our life.

As long as the couple can still get along fine, an in house separation can be better for so many reasons. Finances, friendship and someone to share the chores with are a few. I believe it also allows more possibilities for R too. I know I really prefer it in our sitch. Obviously W does too.

Quote:
I have let my H know that soon I will be making a decision about this M, I just wanted to give him a heads up, that soon I may be leaving....

I told him I don't want him to rush to make his choice/decision, but that does not mean I will not make my choice to decide what I want/need, and it may be to be totally free of this M, so I can truly move on.”


What was H’s response to this?


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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2BHappy Offline OP
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H's response was like shocked, then he admitted he had NOT been thinking about US at all that he has avoided thinking about US and was just focused on our son, his work, our bills. And that now I have given him something to think about. This was 2-3 weeks after I had brought it up again. He also acted shocked that I reminded him its been over a year...

OMGoodness I was like really really,,,all this time and this was not the first time I ask about US and for him to act surprised and to tell me he had been avoiding thinking about our M, our R andything about US. Just WOW!!!

So I don't know if this is a stall tactic or if he really has not been even thinking about US at all? Just son and work, work and son, and earning money , working OT like crazy!!!

He acted surprised that I had an issue with how things are between us!!! He reminded me that I was a distant from him and our R for YEARS and now I wanted to give him a time limit.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 11/13/14 04:58 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
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Nice 2B! My DB coach said once you TRULY get to a point where you know you will be ok regardless- your whole vibe changes, and they notice.
I hated feeling like I was playing a game, but at the same time we aren't- we are being true to ourselves and taking care of us.
If they catch up- great! It's up to us to decide when we are done.

Rooting for you- that your M works out but even more that your PMA continues to soar!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
I know that mentally, & emotinally, I will be GREAT with whatever the outcome of my M.


Liberating... isn't it? smile


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Apr 2014
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2BHappy Offline OP
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wounded wounded oh l how wonderful it feels... yes it is great and life changing.

I have crossed the bridge...I pray my H will come over with me...but soon I will continue on...

I thank GOD and you all for all the support. I'm in such a good place.

Wow...


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Can someone tell me what PMA means and or direct me to the post that has the Abbreviations?

AND...there is a man who is also having problems with his wife, we are friends and I had stopped talking to him, since I felt like IF we both were single people we might would date.

I told him we have to be VERY careful since we are both in vunverable situations, and I made it clear that I would NEVER cheat! But I felt like this could be EA and I'm nervous..so I aovided him for months...and then he got a new job away from our work where we met, so I felt safer talking to him,,,but now he wants to talk more and more and wants to meet for lunch...

How do I make sure I'm not involved in a EA, I can be friends with a male, but I want to make sure he is not getting something other then friends from our friendship and I want to NOT be an outlet from the issues he is having with his wife.

I've been VERY direct with him, but I feel this underlying something from him,,,,so I'm thinking I may need to tell him we cannot be friends:(

I dont want my friendship to him to interfer with his marriage in ANY WAY or fashion at all!!!!

I know the pain of being cheated on.

AND if for some reason we remain friends, do I need to tell my H that I'm going out for lunch or dinner with a male friend? I dont want H to think I'm up to something or hiding anything!

I did not tell him when this friend worked with me, cause when we went to lunch it was with other co-workers.

Now he wants to go to lunch just us, and he started back calling me weekly.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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job Offline
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PMA stands for Positive Mental Attitude. I may be wrong on this, but I don't think we have a post any more that addresses the abbreviations.

Happy, you are treading near deep waters w/your friend. You do not want to be a part of his drama. I know how it feels to want to talk to someone, but he needs to be speaking to a counselor or someone else about his issues w/his wife. If you want to remain friends w/him, you will need to set some boundaries and advise him that you will not have conversations about his issues w/his wife, i.e., that they are issues the two of them should be working out and if he needs to speak to someone about them, a therapist, priest, minister, etc., would be a step in the right direction.

By sitting and discussing issues about spouses is how some of the EA's get started, especially if the conversations continue to go on and on over a lengthy period of time. You are right about one thing... you both are in vulnerable positions right now and even though you made it clear you wouldn't cheat, an EA is just as bad as a PA because they are both considered cheating. You do not need a third party in the mix right now, nor does he for that matter.

If your gut is telling you something isn't right, then drop him. I would certainly distance myself from him and if he continues to call you, then you will need to ask him to stop it It's difficult to turn a friend away, but if you opt to have lunch, I would suggest that you invite a co-worker to go along since he use to work in your area. I don't think I would do the dinner invite because that looks more like a date to me than lunch and he may think that you are on board w/going out w/him and he'll continue to call and ask you out. You don't know what he's thinking and you don't want to encourage him along, if you are trying to save your own marriage right now.

As for your h, be honest w/him and advise him about lunch dates. You don't want him to find out from someone else, do you? Secrets are what gets us in trouble and then we have to do double duty to make things right when they are finally put out in the open.

Again, if your gut is telling you something isn't right, then it's most likely on target. Happy, play it safe and if you opt to have lunch w/him, invite a co-worker along. The comment "just us" sends red flags up for me.



Last edited by job; 11/19/14 01:54 PM.
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Originally Posted By: job
I may be wrong on this, but I don't think we have a post any more that addresses the abbreviations.


Yep, your wrong grin

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063#Post2183063

Originally Posted By: job
Happy, you are treading near deep waters w/your friend. You do not want to be a part of his drama. I know how it feels to want to talk to someone, but he needs to be speaking to a counselor or someone else about his issues w/his wife. If you want to remain friends w/him, you will need to set some boundaries and advise him that you will not have conversations about his issues w/his wife, i.e., that they are issues the two of them should be working out and if he needs to speak to someone about them, a therapist, priest, minister, etc., would be a step in the right direction.

By sitting and discussing issues about spouses is how some of the EA's get started, especially if the conversations continue to go on and on over a lengthy period of time. You are right about one thing... you both are in vulnerable positions right now and even though you made it clear you wouldn't cheat, an EA is just as bad as a PA because they are both considered cheating. You do not need a third party in the mix right now, nor does he for that matter.

If your gut is telling you something isn't right, then drop him. I would certainly distance myself from him and if he continues to call you, then you will need to ask him to stop it It's difficult to turn a friend away, but if you opt to have lunch, I would suggest that you invite a co-worker to go along since he use to work in your area. I don't think I would do the dinner invite because that looks more like a date to me than lunch and he may think that you are on board w/going out w/him and he'll continue to call and ask you out. You don't know what he's thinking and you don't want to encourage him along, if you are trying to save your own marriage right now.

As for your h, be honest w/him and advise him about lunch dates. You don't want him to find out from someone else, do you? Secrets are what gets us in trouble and then we have to do double duty to make things right when they are finally put out in the open.

Again, if your gut is telling you something isn't right, then it's most likely on target. Happy, play it safe and if you opt to have lunch w/him, invite a co-worker along. The comment "just us" sends red flags up for me.


I 100% agree and echo job's post.

If you need a new friend right now... get a dog. wink


Last edited by woundedfool; 11/19/14 03:23 PM.

Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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Thanks woundedfool. I knew we had a posting on the abbreviations a very long time ago. I'm going to ask Cadet to add this url to his welcome thread. It would help a lot of folks who come here.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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