You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own And you know what you know. And you are the one who'll decide where to go.
-Dr. Seuss
I must have really been digging deep; that thread went quickly!
I have to admit, with each new thread recently, I have thought, will this be the one when things really change? I guess I'm realizing that I have been waiting in anticipation to see the outcome of others' lives to determine the impact it would have on my life.
That's dumb. That is not progress. That is not helping me or my kids. How will that outcome help me live a happy and healthy life. I know it will impact my kids, but to the extent can be influenced by me. If I weigh heavily on the outcome, it will be more of an impact on them. They will need to work through this, and I will be there to help them, but I want to be someone who is centered, grounded, and able to give them the best possible support they need and deserve.
I am releasing it. Giving it to God. It's off to the universe. It is not my burden to bear. I have to free myself from my husband's choices. I have to release her from my thoughts. This is the life they chose. I have the freedom to live the life I choose now.
When I found out about their r, there was a realization I had. This is why I never got involved in their r or confronted her.
Well, two reasons.
One- I couldn't bear the thought of him sticking up for or protecting her. Not me. Her- from me!
Two- I fought for my husband. I wasn't going to fight over him.
He made a choice. The fact that there was a choice to make- well that was enough for me to think about the fact that I deserve better than a h who put himself in a position to HAVE to make a choice. And the fact that he chose someone over me, his wife, well.... good bye.
I am releasing this. Whatever happens, happens. I will deal with it. But I will no longer live my life as a result of their life. I will no longer hold my breath to see what their life will turn out like. F them. I ain't sweatin' them.... ANYMORE!
Lord, give me the strength to rise above and be the best me I can be. Give me the wisdom to be the best mother I can for my children. Give me the courage to keep my mouth shut when necessary. To walk away with my head high. Lord, give me the strength to release what is not mine. Show me the way to happiness and peace.
Mighty, you go on with your bada$$ self. THATTA GIRL!!!
You sound so great. Keep on going, Mighty!!!
.....and don't worry if there are rough days ahead. Normal. They'll get less and less. You're on fire. You're the treasure. You're so above that nonsense.
You just wait, Might.... Your life is going to freakin' rock. It just is.
Mighty, just catching up on your posts. Finished reading the precious one, and oh boy… I hope you will still get your support payments. Last year I was on the brink of losing my house, when I was out of work for a year. It all worked out for me. I hope it will work out for you too. I’m sending my positive thoughts to the universe for you.
I would not want to be in your xh shoes right now. What a twist of “luck”, LOL. The house of card is starting to crumble… My prognosis is that xh will enter into a secondary MLC and hww will start looking for a new sugar daddy...
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Mighty, now that right up there ^^^^^ is freakin amazing.
Good on you. I like...a lot.
What I learned was that it didnt matter if I liked it or not. It didnt matter if I was angry or upset, because it still was going to be what it was going to be.
So, those feelings, after they propelled me forward, started weighing me down.
That's how you get stuck.
When you release them, man, you feel lighter, right?
Now you get to decide what you want your life to look like. Yay you.
Awwww... shucks, guys. Thanks. I really don't see it as being amazing or anything. I just feel like I have to get over it if I want to have any kind of life.
Bright and Shining, I was thinking, and laughing in one of Shining's maniacal laughs... wouldn't it be ____________(fill in the blank with any word of choice) if xh lost his job and hww had to pay child support to me. I mean, I know that's really not a thing... but... oh... so... sweet.... I can have sweet moments of dreaming how beautifully that would go down. I would hold my spew shield firmly, and giggle till I pass out behind it.
Kid problems tonight. Ugh. No fun. I guess we had too many *good* days. Teens can be tough. Especially when they are angry, betrayed, abandoned, confused, you know, all that stuff we feel- but in teenager mode. The ones who think they've got it all figured out.
Oh well. I can sense a tough weekend ahead. D13, not such a big deal. I checked her tonight, and she straightened up pretty quickly. It took two times for her to realize... but that's all it needed. S17 is really going to push it this weekend. I just know it. He was so disrespectful tonight. I told him he needed to come home tomorrow after school- alone. He told me he's not bc he has plans. I knew it was going to be a full-out battle if we kept going about ANYTHING. I just stated what I needed and didn't engage in his nonsense. He has this entitlement mentality and this I can do whatever I want attitude. Like, badly. He is so much like someone else I know when I comes to that. He is a great kids. Very genuine and I love him to death. But when that switch flips, I don't like what I see.
His phone got smashed at school today by some kid messing around (I know... another smashed iphone. That's 5 replaced screens since August. $140 a pop.) Since s17 informed me tonight that he doesn't need a job and he's not getting one because he doesn't want to, well.... that phone is going to stay smashed. (It may not be the only thing...)
So, I'm just venting here. It's what I do. I am standing firm, and calm. I have no energy for engaging. I will make my stance and back off. I know it will not be easy. He puts up a good fight. We will see.
xh: What time does d13 get out of basketball? I will pick her up daily.
Holy wtf???!!! OK, so he has not done anything like that in a year!!! Like, seriously? That came out of left field??????
Donno if he is looking for a reason to get away from his house? Donno if he is trying to connect before baby? Donno if he is ..... well..... donno.... don't care, I guess.
Me: today- 6pm @ [xxschool] I have the nov sched at home
xh: ok. ty.
Now, this is where I had some fun. Xh always hated text "lingo". He would get annoyed and start hatin. Well, almost a year ago when he started texting me like he was a teenager (or a 20 year-old, I called him out. He seemed embarrassed and I just busted his chops. Something so simple, he would have never texted ty, and I had joked specifically about that. He hadn't done it since... so not him) So today he texted that. It bothers me bc I know it comes from her. Buuuuutttt.... I don't want to got there anymore...
me: Zp
xh: zp?
I didn't respond...zp means nothing. I just found it funny.
Xh picked up d13 today. I wasn't home. I was out. I called d13 after she should have been home. xh and d13 were sitting in the driveway talking. D13 was showing him videos of her life, bc, well... he knows nothing about it. I called her to check in... from a crowd... she is so smart. She didn't even say, "Where are you?" or anything like that. She just said that she was in the driveway with dad and she'd call me when she got inside.
Xh apparently asked about our dog, which he hasn't really seen in a year. Poor dog misses him.
Xh is picking up d13 tomorrow to take her to the movies. He apparently has learned that if he wants to see her, he has to start from the bottom. He is going to see whatever she wants with any friend she wants! Not normal!!
If I could increase font size, I'd be at a 48. Or 60. OMG, Mighty!!!
First, picking up D13?? What the whattttt????? Ummmm..... Yeah. Oh HE!! Yeah somebody don't wanna be at the house with preggerz McGee.
Don't care either....but it's fun to think and say. So why not.
And, ummmmm...zp???? You crack me the frick up. Zp.
Dying.
You're awesome. Thank you for that. And for keeping up with the ridiculousness. I feel better knowing there are amazing women who get it. Like you. And I'm sorry you have to get it, but, you know.... Glad you're here. I would not have known such a superhuman were it not for this.....nonsense.
Ok, I just spit out my hot chocolate at the ZP. Loooovee it. LOL! But we all know I have a sick sense of humor. I mean, making clothes for his cell phone like I did.
A girl I grew up with... She is a year older than me. She married really young and has 4 daughters. One s17 age and one d13 age. They are all friends. Another d in my class (for 2rs) then a really young one.
Anyway.. I've known her forever. A really nice family. Over a year ago, I'd heard she left her husband and blah, blah, blah...
He was really upset. He cried to my mom saying he never thought this would happen to his fam...
Blah, blah.... I wondered if she was going though some mlc or something...
Today we had a meeting. She was as sweet as ever, but I noticed the bags under her eyes, how tired she looked, and how unhappy she seemed. She even stated the overwhelming guilt she felt for leaving. Wow....
Shining, back in the day on here, they used to joke about how there should be an MLC store....with my cell phone clothes and patience shovels because I was always telling people they need to dig in for more patience. LOL!
Haha... so glad you guys get my sense of humor. What a joke, right? I thought it was funny. My mom, who comes once a week to volunteer in my room was there. I was laughing when I sent it. She was like, OK you need to focus now.... I was like c'mon it's awesome. She would have sent something so different... on another level.... She has yet to say a word to her "son" in a year! Poor babe, she needs to come here to learn how to deal with this mess!
I had a great day! Had fun, some downers... but focusing on lifting it up!! Love that I don't take that seriously... and that xh heard me from a "night out" while he sat in my driveway talking to d13... but it made me sad that that's all they have... boooooo!
Now he been nice via text and apologised to me, perhaps the db has worked on him. But and the 16yo but! And there's always a but, is he's now wafted off to town with 4x mates.
Which is great, quite and I will sleep well. so I loved the zp. Gunna remember that!
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Bright, zero point seems quite fitting. However, zombie panic has a nice ring.....
OK, uR... what's the deal with the cell phone fashion?
Gotta say... since I am feeling so much more myself these days... I am going to have to control my smart-@ss self. I have a major case of smart-@ss-itis. It is genetic, as many in my family suffer this chronic illness.
While dbing, I was able to keep it's symptomatic attacks from flaring up. But, I do crack myself up. Another side-effect. And seeing that I am in much better spirits these days, I love a good crack-up. It is slowly coming out of dormancy. I will try to control it's outbreaks, but I will have to see how it responds/effects to the new me.
Again.... about that fashion... anything bedazzled and/or preventative from screen smashing? Another chronic problem in my house.
When my xh was living with me after bomb day, his clutched his phone like his life depended on it.
As his ow lived 5 hours away, it was very important to him. One day, I decided to make an outfit for it. On a rare occasion, xh went into the bathroom and left his phone. When he came out, I had set the table for dinner. On a place setting, was his phone, dressed in an outfit I had made for it.
He said, "What's this all about?" I said, "Since the phone is always around, I have invited it to dinner. I thought I'd dress it up for the occasion."
s17 is driving me crazy. The anger in him is out of control. He is being so incredibly immature. He throws temper tantrums when he does not get what he wants. He becomes totally disrespectful.
The thing is, we get along very well, but when he does not get his way, he is so terrible. I have remained calm and been firm; he just continues to dig himself deeper.
What makes me crazy is that he was such a good, level-headed kid. I totally trusted him- big time! Now, as it is getting closer for him to be out on his own, he has total fallen apart.
I have to remind myself to be firm, loving, and consistent. I am not going to give in. I need to set clear expectations. Period.
I also realized that I have been walking on egg shells for months around him. YUCK! He has been a ticking time-bomb. I think I have been really afraid to lay down the law because of this. Now, it has become much worse. I know I screwed up. I was a mess and so lost myself. I wish I had been stronger. I hope it is not too late to fix this.
KML is right he needs help and guidance dealing with his feelings. You have found guidance with these boards to deal with your hurt and anger, where does he find guidance?
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
In my experience with D20...who sounds a lot like your son...
She was this all-around superstar kid, in her junior year of high school, Varsity soccer player her freshman year, on all sorts of committees, etc...
I think the angrier the kid, the more necessary it is to provide some really firm, firm, firm, firm, FIRM structure.
I see it now in hindsight.
She didn't need my sympathy or empathy as much as she needed a really strong parent to make up for the one she lost. It was like she was flailing in the wind when her dad took a nosedive off the diving board of sanity. He was the firm one with her.
She was so lost when he disappeared.
We had this horrible argument a few weeks ago. Now, bear in mind, she is my rebel. She fights and pushes and takes advantage every chance she gets. Walking on eggshells can be the norm around here, if I allow it.
We had this terrible argument and she kicked my new car. I reacted and, literally, backhanded her across the face with my fist. Essentially, I punched her in the face.
I was horrified with what I had done. HORRIFIED. I still am.
At the same time, she has changed her tune and treated me with respect since. She has also stepped up to some financial responsibility.
I'm not saying punch your son in the face...but, after interviewing a dog trainer the other week...I was reminded how firm boundaries are really good for some dogs--especially the smarter one. They are reassured and grow more confident when they understand the boundaries they aren't allowed to cross.
I think my daughter has needed me to be strong and it's taken a long time for me to grow into the mom she really thirsts for.
Sometimes, especially when dealing with the walking suicide of a spouse in MLC, we need to do the opposite of what our instincts tell us, in order to overcome the situation and set our kids up for success.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Ellie, there is some definite depression. He has been in counseling & taking ad. I have given him countless resources & he has several good men who reach out to him. I am finding that there is a lot more pot being smoked than I thought. He is now a big advocate for legalizing. He just sounds silly. But he is so incredibly angry, it's disheartening.
Thanks brook... I know I was able to let go of my childhood anger. But what I have learned this year- I just wish I could put into his brain. He just doesn't want to hear it most of the time.
Heather, I do see a lot of similarities with our kids. That's what in doing now... Standing firm. Even though he says I'm being a b. seriously... I'm not standing for that. He is going to learn things the hard way.
We will see what happens tonight... He has a plan in his head. I told him the boundaries. I have to leave later for my nieces confirmation practice, which he doesn't know yet. Poor d13. She just watches this garbage. I know it bothers her.
It [censored], it's a HUGE pain the A$$, but if he knows you will check at a reputable testing facility...he will tow the line.
I sent D20 to jail for two nights. The probation department was the best co-parent I've ever had.
Look around for a strong male who can back you up on the drug testing. Surprise him after school with a pi$$ test. If you can, consider having a strong uncle or someone to pick him up. He will fight you, but not so much someone else. Not sure you can have the sheriff's department help with that or not? Might be worth checking.
I know this all sounds scary and awful...but, this boy has had the sh!t kiccked outta him with his dad's actions. He deeply needs a dad/or someone to replace that strong adult male he lost.
Make a list of rules. Short list.
No weed. No disrespect to you or sister. No walking on eggshells by you or baby sister.
Any violation means he can't live there with you.
That reminds me, I need to come up with a list for D20. She has side-tracked me with all her paying for her Jeep and shid. She still needs to attend A.A.
I need to write my list down again for her. Put it on the fridge.
Ya know, D20 may not be such a bad person to talk to S17?? Hmmm...Think about it. She is an awesome kid and so helpful when it comes to talking to other kids in similar situations. She is trying hard to get back on track. Just know she is around.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
And now he's gone. He left. He told me earlier he was leaving. I told him he can't. He left anyway. He said that he wasn't going to come back. I told him this wasn't a rotating door. He cleaned his room then walked out.
If he leaves, I lose support & we lose the house.
I question what is wrong with me. My dad left, my husband left, now my son.
Mighty, I'm so sorry your S is behaving that way. My heart aches for you.
I can't say whether you're there yet... But there does come a point where you know you've done all you can do. You love your S very much, and he knows that. His anger toward you is hurtful. But he will be ok. He's figuring things out, too. There may be some big consequences down the road, for his choices now, depending on how far he takes it. His future may not be what was originally planned. Same with yours. But that doesn't mean it's any better or worse.
The support and house stuff is scary... I feel you there. We are somewhat paralyzed by fear because we still depend on our x for our daily expenses. I know it wouldn't be ideal, but if that changed, you would still be ok. I know you would.
There is a whole big picture out there we can't see. By living with your own true values and going back to those when this stuff happens, you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do.
You always seem to be true to who you are. I admire that about you. Stay on that path. He will figure out his. He is a good kid. He is smart. He knows the dangers of his choices. You have put counseling and mentors in front of him. You have set boundaries and consequences.
Love him. Continue to guide him, while being his rock. It's clear he still feels he can talk to you, even if he's angry. That's huge.
You have done and continue to do all you can. Now have faith, and breathe.
In my eyes, you're superhuman. Love and hugs, Might.
Consider, too, the possibility that his antidepressants may be making him worse instead of better. They have their place, but it's also true that they can actually increase suicide risk in teens. My daughter was on high dose prozac for an eating disorder at 13. It helped, but if she missed just one or two doses, she got completely WHACK. The psych kept insisting that the half life was too long for that to be a problem, but it was unmistakable and reproducible.
Where did he go? To a friend's, or to H's? He may just need a couple of days to cool off.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
When he left, d13 saw him go to bil next door. Prob to get a ride. Randomly, a friend texted me about a couple hrs ago & said she saw him w his gf getting gas. Right then, he sent me a txt, "I'm sorry mom." I said, "pls come home" he didn't respond nor come home. I'm gone now. Taking n16 to confirmation rehearsal.
Be strong. It is very hard to not feel that the anger is directed right at you. I gave gone through this at times recently with my teens as well. You have to keep reminding yourself to be strong and be their foundation. They will see that and come back. They need to find ways to work through their own anger due to the situation.
I agree with some of the others concern about ADs and teens. They wanted to put my oldest on them when she was 16. My wife actually went along with them. I did my research and decided the dangers were to great to risk it. I found natural solutions. My daughters is almost 20 now. She still uses the natural solutions when needed, but has never had to use an AD. If you get concerned I can share the name of the stuff she uses.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Ok, my friend, dont you blame yourself or beat yourself up. You were dealt a huge freakin crapload of stuff in a short amount of time. Of course you were in a bad way for a bit. Who wouldnt be? This stuff is life changing, soul crushing. You did the best you could at the time. Doesnt serve you well to rehash that, right?
My son was around your son's age when this happened. It's a tough age for a young man when his father goes crazy. It's supposed to be a time when he is looking to his father for guidance and a role model for entering adulthood and they got this instead.
My son lost his way for awhile. He was angry at me, at xh. I took the brundt of it because he knew I wasnt going anywhere. He didnt have to worry about me.
I was firm in my boundaries and did not tolerate disrespect. I did, however, pick my battles.
He knows you love him. He is trying to find his way and he will.
You are right, clear, consistent actions on your part.
Hey guys... Thank you so much for your concern and input. When I got home, s17 was home in bed. He is so loving towards me, but he just wants to do whatever he wants.
Lemme give you a quick rundown..
First, I am never one to jump right to meds. Hardly ever... I'm one of those...
Back history: S17, xh and I were very close. As a family we were as tight as they come. d13 was often with friends, or doing whateve... but the three of us hung out every weekend. No joke. S17 would prefer to hang with us than friends. Now, if he did, I trusted him totally. He would call me when things got out of hand, no matter the time. It was like that.
When xh left, EVERTHING changed. S17's world was turned upside down, as was mine. Just couldn't find grounding. S17 didn't seem to care, bc the thing that was there... his foundation... was gone. I get it.
With that said... before bd... very close to it... s17 was starting to pick up on something. First, he saw tm from hww on xh phone. He called him out right in front of me... "Hey! Who is hww????!!! While looking at his phone. I still didn't buy it. xh tried to explain later, I said, "XH, I trust you. If there were something I needed to know, I would find out. I can't spend my life worrying about that. I need to trust you, and I do." (I remember the look on his face.) Then s17 saw xh in the parking lot near our house sitting there... reclined in his seat. He was with his friends. He told them to stop. He went up to the car. He could hear xh on the phone with a woman. They were laughing. s17 knocked on the window. He flipped out.
When he got back in the car with is friends, they asked what was going on. He said, "nothing." Then they told him, they saw xh there every day, in the same spot. It was at like 8PM, in a random place. They didn't know why.
S17 does not know this... that I know of... the night of bd, xh went out after work. The kids were getting ready for bed. They asked where he was. I said he went out for a little bit. S17 asked me if I thought xh would cheat on me. I said no. He said he did. I told him that I couldn't live my life like that. That I had to trust him and that living otherwise was unhealthy.
I remember walking into the bathroom thinking, Xh and I will be together forever. We have an amazing bond and nothing will ever change that.
BD was that night.
S17 had more insight than me.
I found out... many months later.. s17 felt like our world crumbled because of him.
Almost 1 month before I found out about hww, s17 confronted xh. Xh told him that he was seeing her and they had bought a house together. This was xh second "new" apt (only there for like a month). When xh went to bed, s17 went to his medicine cabinet and got down...
No one new this...
S17 kept hww a secret for weeks. He pleaded with xh to tell me. He carried the burden of knowing when I didn't.
The 3 of us went away. When I returned xh told me. S17 still didn't know about the baby. That was another bomb for him.
I was so mad. I couldn't believe that xh had s17 part of his lies. He was teaching him to hide this. He was looking to see how to become a man... and he was lying to his mom... hiding secrets of affairs.
In the meantime, he thought that his world had crumbled because of what he knew.
It was much, much later that I found out that s17 had gone to xh's medicine cabinet.
Xh found out at the emergency meeting at the school. He made it about him. It was terrible. He belittled s17 right there. No compassion.
Back a few months.... I knew s17 was struggling with depression. But, anxiety was the worst. He was having attacks that would last the whole day. It was paralyzing. I got him into counseling, he met with his school counselor daily. His anxiety was paralyzing... he couldn't function at all.
He felt responsible. AND, he was looking at me everyday, knowing things I didn't and having to lie to my face (as he thought).
It became so much for this poor kid. I didn't know how to help him- at all. I am not an advocate for meds... I think it is a last resort... but I was scared. He sees people regularly, including the psychiatrist who rx these (monthly) to check the dosage. He is still at the minimum mg's. He has had it switched 3 times... looking for the right one.
He says his depression is much better lately. He still has anxiety. He is closely monitored, which is one of his complaints.
I appreciate all of your concern. I can tell you that I am not naïve to the side effect of this path. I wouldn't do it unless necessary. We talk often about it. He is open to discussing this.
But the anger is there. Very present. That is the concern at this point. I am doing the best I can with him. I really am. It is a lot.
When I went out on Friday for happy hour, he texted me 72 times. That is a lot. It is too much to enable me to enjoy myself. I explained to him that I found it a little selfish. I turned the tables and asked him how he would like it if I did that to him? He realizes and is very understanding, it is just like he is so needy at this time.
I am really OK now, but I like to keep track of where I am.
I find myself, sometimes, cycling VERY quickly, and all over the place.
Tonight, I went to n16's Confirmation Rehearsal.
I get very emotional at church events. But, this evening, they kept referring to a baptism that had occurred earlier that morning.
I just have a hard time dealing with babies at this point. And this was really getting to me.
It always seems to be a new feeling... first I had to accept the fact that I wasn't having any more kids. Well.... that xh and I weren't.
Now, dealing with HIM having one... and I can say, because of the timing now... it has got to be his. Really, the timing of how things went down in our r... well... I have to brace myself.
So.. here was my feeling as they were talking bout the baptism. I felt like I have to love this baby. This was MY HUSBAND's baby. I felt this love for her, because she is my husbands. I HATE that I feel this.
Talk about torn emotions. I mean, OMG! Who wouldn't love their husband's child? But WHAT?!
Mighty, both my older daughters suffer from over powering anxiety. My oldest was the one they wanted to put on ADs. I found a natural products called seradyn. My daughter pops one if she feels her anxiety coming on or before she goes into a situation where it might. It has worked very effectively for her. I know it works, cause when she forgets and runs out she does get worked up and panics a bit till I order more and let her know when it will be in.
The anger is an issue that he will have to work through whether with you or with a counselor. The best thing is for you to be strong and tell him to let it out. If he holds onto his anger then it will come back to bite him later.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
You will be ok and so will the kids. Couldn't tell you the whys or the hows right now. But, it will be ok.
Did it help some to write out the knarly details on here? I hope so.
For me, I could carry the weight of those experiences without ever really thinking about them...like they were always under the surface. And, then, if I took the time to write out the details in a journal or on the boards...I, at least, felt like I had let the truth out of the bag.
Has S17 talked about any of this? How awful it was?
Pot is a great, temporary diffuser for pain.
We both know he needs to feel it...but, how much of that is your responsibility and how much is his, at 17? IDK.
I'd still consider the drug testing. He needs to know he can face the pain without the weed and he will be ok. But, it's gonna hurt like a biatch.
I'm praying for you all. ;-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hey guys thanks. Wow... You are all so supportive. I will go back & read posts later. Just a quick update...
Text this morn...
Xh: I will give d13 the hard drive tonight when I pick her up at 6.
Then.... 5 min later....
Xh: Fyi - S17 marking period average is a 72. This is not good. Economics is a 53 and passing grade is required for graduation. This is pure lazy and very upsetting. Let me know what I can do to help.
Say what now? What?????
Confusing... I keep thinking about that vile email.... I think maybe deep down he really doesn't blame me? Wouldn't he still be raging bc of r w s17? This is one mixed up guy.
What a disaster w this baby. It make everything so difficult. I'm getting there.... Slow but sure. Bc I feel ok with it sometimes, I know that this whole process is a gradual journey. I will get there.... I will...
1) I know you don't need anything more on your plate right now, but given all that S is struggling with, this might be a time to take his hand and walk him through the rest of this class. This may mean sitting down every night and doing his homework with him, quizzing him, etc. I know it seems like an overwhelming task, but he needs to be shown that he can pull this out of the hopper with effort, and that you are there to help him every step of the way. Sometimes they panic when they get too far behind, and just need you to walk them through it until they can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
2) If there are courses you can't help him with, hire a tutor. Again, I know the last thing you need is additional expense, but maybe ExH will feel guilty enough to cough up some dough. My biggest regret about older son's college was not getting him tutoring help earlier.
3) Talk privately to his teachers and let them know what he's been going through. Some of them may cut him some slack if you let them know he's working to make it up and is going through this terrible ordeal.
4) Just let exH know you are working on his grades and have a plan in place. Period.
5) As for S17 testing you 72 times while you were out at happy hour - he's not ready for you to date yet. Unfair, I know - but his behavior reveals some pretty severe anxiety around that thought, and it's understandable given what he's been through. I'd do your best to assure him that's not on your agenda right now.
I am going to try to get everything right here... My brain is pretty overwhelmed right now. This will not be in the correct order. I am sure I will be missing some things right now as I try to process this.
I talked to xh on the phone. It started about s17. He started saying s17 is acting like a punk... I stopped him right there and told him that s17 is screaming for help. How he is lost, hurt, etc. I explained how his entire foundation crumbled, so he really does not care. I went into detail about how his life drastically changed.
XH said that he know what he did and how it has hurt the kids. He asked me what I want him to do. (this became a theme... he kept asking what I want him to do. Not in a smart @ss way, but like he really wanted me to tell him what to do?!)
The convo got pretty deep. I asked some questions. He apologized and he said he thinks about how he hurt me.
I made a comment about his new family and how he destroyed his family to have a "happy little family." He said it's NOT a happy little family.
I asked why he bought a house with her, he said he didn't know what to do.
He made several indications about how things aren't so glorious.
I asked what I did for him to leave, he said, "Nothing."
I asked why he felt he had to be with her. He said, "I don't know."
He did not make her out to be anything special. He did not seem very satisfied with her.
He asked about my surgery and when it is. I told him it's not really any of his concern anymore.
I also made the comment about her being with him and having a baby, and me being with him and having to get surgery, and how it's so screwed up, since I was his wife.
He said, "I don't care what happens to me, I just need you to know that I am sorry for everything I've done to you."
He kept apologizing. Then he said, "Mighty, I need you to understand something...." pause.... Then he said, "I gotta go... I will call you back...." He couldn't even talk. He was too choked up.
He did call me back and said, "I just want you to know that I think about what I've done to you everyday."
I asked him if he was going to marry her. He said, no. I asked if he was going to stay with her. He hesitated then said I was walking him down a path he wasn't ready to discuss.
He said he was afraid that the conversation would be repeated. I assured my loyalty has always been with him and that I wouldn't say anything. And that since these choices have impacted my life, I have a right to know.
I asked if he was going to stay with her, he said he didn't want to say. I said, so does that mean yes? He said, no, it does not mean yes.
I asked if he was ready to have a baby. He said he has no choice. I asked her due date. He said the first week of January. I said, I thought it was December. He said, well, they were unsure, and they were three weeks off, so I guess mid December then. (Does not seem very anxious...)
So... back to the house. I asked why he got a house with her. He was pretty confused.... he said he couldn't say. I said, did she pressure you into it?
He sounded so sad. So incredibly remorseful. So unhappy. So STUCK!
He said he couldn't answer these questions now, but that we will talk and he will answer anything I want to know.<<<<<<<<<That right there.... he sounded more sincere than I think I have ever heard him sound.
Wow ... sounds like you had a little peek into the person you knew. Not wanting to make this out to be more than it is .. but at the least he is poking his head out of one of the tunnels, processing what he has done. This whole MLC thing is such a bowl of spaghetti I swear ... you never really know which noddle is which but they are all intertwined ... its mind boggling.
So H is starting to open his eyes and see the damage. And has the guts to tell you so. That, to me, is a big thing.
That he admitted that it's not all Rainbows and Unicorns in OW land.
And most of all, that he said he thinks about what he did to you every single day.
I have no doubt this is true.
I think my H does the same. Which is a big part of the reason he is so uncomfortable around me. Not because I'm so awful, but because he is so ashamed... of so many things, but mostly of how he has behaved towards me.
I think it's a good step for them to start to take ownership of their actions.
Wow. Really.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Sounds pretty much exactly like what I figured - he got carried away with a momentary temptation, but then vicious reality caught up with him quickly once OW got pregnant. He tried to "do the right thing" by OW but it has cost him much more than he ever expected, and is probably already getting tired of her - because, of course, she can't hold a candle to you, Mighty!
But lest you get too excited by this - others here are probably right, it may just be a brief peak out of the tunnel, and Mr. McSpew may be back tomorrow. Just enjoy the vindication - this was never about you.
That is sad. His answers arent surprising, though, right? I mean, how can you be happy after doing what he's done and all the damage it caused? And I am sure having a baby was not in his plan.
What does it mean for you?
Please dont let it get you spinning. I know some of that was important for you to hear, but, it could just be a moment of clarity.
So, let this sit for now, M. And use it to really believe that it wasnt about you.
Hey guys. Yeah, pretty crazy. The thing is, it was like you could hear it, that he was coming out of a fog. It was total mlc, the things they say and everything. Like he didn't know what happened or how.
He clearly still is struggling with what the heck to do. I felt he was looking for me to help him. He has to do this. But also, it seemed like he has some idea of what he is going to do. I don't know what or that he is totally convinced that it is the right thing.
He is really struggling. It is sad. I do feel for him, but like me, he has to walk his own path.
What does this mean for me? Well, I feel better with some acknowledgment. Actually it feels really good. It gave me a little boost in my step to keep on moving along my path.
I'm OK, and getting better. I have a lot of work ahead of me with s17. It would be very helpful if xh could get on the same page to be there for s17 the way he needs. Time will tell.
Here is what I have seen as far as changes.
Xh asked about our dog, which he hasn't shown interest in for a year (and the poor pup is getting older- her birthday is next week!)
Xh texted me and asked what he could do to help (for the 1st time, instead of being aggressive, demanding, or accusatory)
Xh said he would p/u d13 every day (which he hasn't offered to do in a year)
Xh said (twice) to let him know whatever he could do to help (Hey-ya pal, hows bout yu drag dem dare tools over an fin-ich de dang kit-chun! OK, OK, a little presumptuous, I know.)
xh was deeply remorseful
xh said we would talk and he would answer anything I wanted to know. (say what! Maybe I don't wanna!!!)
Oh yeah, oh yeah!!! AND, he gave d13 the external hard drive to give me!!!
Plus, the email came up. He admitted he was mad. He said he knows I told s17. I started to explain then told him it doesn't matter. He will believe whatever he wants.
But, then it was brought up again later. This time I did explain, and he actually seemed to listen. AND, not once did he even seem angry, even when he said he thought I told him to make s17 mad at him. He was really over it and seemed understanding of the situation. WOW!
Everyone else has said what I was thinking. This is really about your h, however we all know that unfortunately you and the kids suffer. I agree not to dwell much on what he said as quite frankly, who knows what he will say next time.
Sending you a hug:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
IMO, the stuff churning around in your world is healing. You are bravely facing the truth, and your kids will follow by your example.
I received an apology. I allowed myself to fall back into the ol' patterns and, in no time, I had lost myself again. Try to allow the apology to soak into your bones...but, don't let it carry you away. I know it's hard, especially when we see a glimpse of the person we loved.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
This may get confusing and lengthy... but that's how I roll. I'm just gonna let 'er rip.
First, things were pretty bad with s17. He didn't come home. I had specifically asked him to come right home and alone. He was to take d13 to her volleyball banquet tonight bc I had to attend my nieces confirmation as her sponsor.
Needless to say, s17 wasn't here when I got home. His phone is still smashed, and I told him I'm not getting it fixed again until he gets a job (he says there is no reason to get one). So, for now, he uses hi ipod and can text with wifi.
I texted him. No answer. I texted his gf. No answer. I called his gf, she answered. I talked to s17 who said he was at her house, but not coming home tonight. He was going to stay with a friend, but refused to say whom. He said he didn't want to go to the banquet. I was livid.
I drove to his gf house (she lives near xh and hww- ugh). He was so rude and defiant. Refused to come or tell me his plan. I was livid. I followed him in the house. He continued behavior... I told him I was calling the police and went to my car. (I really didn't know what I was doing... I was seeing RED!)
Xh had told me yesterday, several times, he would help however he can. I called him. As I called I realized he would be driving home. UGH. It intensified my anger. He actually answered (Bluetooth- for all to hear!!!!). I asked, "Are you in the car with your sweetie?" Yes. "Well tell her to put her dirty vag!na in her ears so she doesn't hear this conversation." Click. Well, there goes that.
Now I'm even more pissed (I had THAT coming, I guess...), so I texted him, "I'm calling the cops on s17." Honestly, I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I have no leverage with him. He cares about nothing.
So, he texted back, "Why".
Me: Nevermind. You hung up. I will handle this. Again.
S17 was putting his stuff in his gf car. I tried to talk to him, nothing had changed. Gf was freaked out that I said I was calling the cops.
I got in my car. Sat there for a min. I was so frustrated. I left. I knew I had to get ready and be there for my niece. This was so stupid.
In the meantime, poor d13 was getting ready with no one to take her.
Then... xh shows up at my house. But, I gotta say, he was respecting the boundary when I told him not to come in the house. He told me to come out.
ITS FRIGGING COLD OUT, YA'LL! And it intensified EVERYTING!
I let him in the front. He stayed right in the doorway.
Pardon my appearance of insensitivity, but, for lack of a better word, it was the most bi-polar conversation ever. Up, down, and all around. Yelling, laughing, crying..... emotional.
So, again, I will try to recap some of the conversation. Not in any particular order... lack of sleep (2 hrs last night), overwhelming emotions, frustration, missing child, guilt for not being there for d13, rushing around to get to another town for my niece (VERY long service- 65 candidates).... my brain is running on "E"!
Xh is still pretty guarded with what he says. It is like he is trying to talk to me in secret code. BUT, with what I have experienced, I can't make assumptions about him, at all. I don't know where he is coming from.
Let me just say. This evening was not about dbing. That hasn't been my goal for quite some time. My focus, using dbing tactics, has been to find me and how to get along in this world.
Well... good thing it's not about dbing, bc that went out the window. But, I was Mighty. It was raw and real. I don't regret it. Some things needed to be said, and I have no shame in it.
He continued to apologize over and over. AND, he keeps asking what I want him to do.
I told him that I begged him for a long time and he knew what I wanted him to do. But he made a choice and that choice was not me or our family. I told him that it is his choice how he lives his life and I have no say in it.
He said over and over again how he know he f'ed up. He said he is so upset how he has lost his r with the kids AND with me.
He is not a man of many words, but he kept looking me in the eye, talking firmly when saying this, and getting choked up and cried sometimes.
He said he is "f'ed" tons of times. He was really confused about the pregnancy thing.
He said he is at high-risk for losing his job.
He said with great conviction, "Mighty. Listen. The way you miss it, I miss it just as bad." ("it")
He did not speak badly about hww at all (I made up for that. Yup... catch up with ya later, db!) But, he didn't argue it at all.
I said they are both 100% responsible.
People think she is a good mother, but what good mother does what she did to my kids. What good mother get pregnant by a married man? What good mother takes her son from his dad so she could f a married man.
He wouldn't say how he felt about her. I indicated that I just didn't understand his loyalty to her, when he didn't have it for me. I asked if he talked badly about me to her. He said no, never. I said, well you must have said our marriage wasn't good or something. He said, nope. I was like REALLY?! And she still willingly f'ed a married man?
I reminded him that she pulled up to our house a couple yrs ago when they car pooled and say my kids outside playing basketball and I was in the driveway, at our home, and she still f'ed you knowing you had a family.
I told him that she didn't care about him bc she didn't care about what she was doing to his kids and that he allowed her to disrespect his family. She disrespected his kids and his wife. And he did too.
I reminded him what she did to her x, took him for a ride, and how she screws over her friends.
I told him that she was going to do the same to him. I looked at him and said, you don't really think she won't, do you?
Thanksgiving... he indicated he may have it with his family at his house. He isn't sure. PUKE!
I realize I got a lot out, and he didn't say much except he was sorry, he is f'ed, what can he do?
He said, "You aren't getting it. It's not sinking in." I really didn't, I got, clearly, that he isn't happy with the situation. But I don't know what he wants. I truly don't know if he wants to be with her, but just doesn't want a baby. I don't know.
I asked him what he was thinking... why does she think it's ok to buy a house down the street from me with my husband. While she is pregnant with my husband's baby? And I didn't even know she existed! I asked if she even thinks about it or realizes. He said nothing. I truly don't think she does.
I told him that it is crazy how I'm at work and how some things went down and I just sat there thinking about her at her job, pregnant with my husband's baby all happy and excited. While I got everything dumped on me all at once and had to deal with it while I could hardly breathe or get up in the morning.
Keep in mind.... all the while.... I was getting ready. I had to go out and have him zip my dress. Finally, as I was putting on make up I told him he could come in, and he stood in the bathroom doorway.
I started to make him laugh. I was being my silly self, and being a total smart @ss. As he was laughing, I said, Well, I bet you don't laugh like this anymore. I know I'm hilarious. He laughed. I said, I miss that. Then I started right back up.
Then, back out into the living room.... SHE called him. UGH- I was pi$$ed! I said, "Have you been gone too long?" He looked annoyed. Then my emotions got the best of me. I said, "She should not be calling you here! You were my husband. She cannot call you at my house. She thinks you are her now and you were my husband. This is not right!"
He quietly said, "I know."
He didn't answer it. Then I said, "You have no idea. If that were the other way around, and someone was calling...."
I broke. I turned and went back into the bathroom. I couldn't stop crying. Baby-like.
He came in, pulled me to him and held me. I cried. He said, "I'm sorry." I cried more.
Then I said, "I'm ok," and stepped back. My makeup was f'ed. He had been crying too. (Plus I could hear his heart thumping) It was weird. It had been so long. I never ever though it would happen again. How long I yearned to feel his arms around me. I have needed that through this. It has made me feel even more alone.
I tried to wipe my makeup up real quick with a tissue. He was still right there. I turned. Then we hugged a drawn-out, tight one. He was still close, but I kept my head down and said I have to go.
We left.
He called me at the church just before it started. He was still in his car (not home yet? and I had driven to another town, p/u niece and was at the church). He wanted to find s17 and asked how he could. I told him I'd be late and didn't want s17 to be alone at home. He said to let him know what I want and he will do it.
We agreed to get a plan together and talk to s17 together. We will probably talk about it tomorrow.
I know he is lost. I know he has soooooooo much work to do. I do think this is an awakening. He has a long way to go. I also think he know that really, I am here for him. But, I think he is scared, too, that he has lost me.
I don't know what I can do for him. I guess listen if he needed, but I don't think he is ready to open up about the feelings he is aware of. And I also think there are things that he is still unaware of.
I know it seemed all about me, but I did listen to him. I let silent moments sit. And, I took opportunities to get it off my chest. Open his eyes to the reality.
There was much, much more. My brain is mush.
Oh yeah... I made a comment about how I had questioned the last 20 years and if they had any real meaning. He said, "Yes they were real and had meaning, right up until I f'ed up."
Oh, and, during the confirmation, the Bishop spoke with each candidate and their saint's name. He asked each one why they chose that saint and what it meant to them (yeah... each of the 65 kids).
So, I thought about my confirmation, many moon ago... I had chosen Saint Joan of Arc.
Very fitting as my mom had told me.
I thought about that tonight and what I respected about her. Hmmmm.... I should have thought of this months ago! I'm gonna remember her.
*******************************************
Oh, plus I told xh that my dad walked out on me, my husband walked out on me, and now my son. I said that I was sick of these men walking out on me while I beg them to come back. And I just couldn't do it anymore.
Wow - well I posted you a response which then disappeared into cyberspace, or wherever it is postings go to.
Your h may be waking up - or it might be a peeking out. My xh came out twice, and wanted to reconcile, but then went back into MLC land where he is still orbiting. This is not to be discouraging, just to remind you that whichever way it goes there is a long haul. And whatever your husband decides he will feel guilty.
You are all feeling raw at present - you have expressed a lot of hurt and anger, and he has coped with that.
Now regarding both your son and your husband. One of the greatest gifts that you can give to another person is the gift of listening without judgement. Anger comes out of deep hurt, and the need to protect our own ego. To listen effectively we have to suspend judgement and hear what they have to say.
Your son's behaviour is not OK - my son was eighteen when it happened, and he too was very very hurt and disillusioned. This explains but doesn't excuse what he is doing. They have to grow up and fast. Events happen, and it is our response to them that determines the outcome for us. We can't control what others do but we can control our own behaviour.
Please give yourself a break. Focus on yourself, and then deal with your son. Let him talk, and try and work out a solution that you can both live with. DB him!!
Thanks bea. I am trying to keep everything in perspective and keep the focus on me. I do not want to get off track- at all. I am proud of my progress and know I have more work to do. And yes! I've been using db tactics with s17.
Thanks, Bright! Share... boy did I ever!
So things continue to get really different. I got a call from school today that s17 was MIA. I inquired about his gf. She was gone too. I left work immediately and let xh know. We have got to get him on track, and since we decided to do this as a united front, we knew it was about to happen.
After some dramatics... xh met me at the house. The three of us sat down and started scratching the surface. S17 was being.... tough at first. But the amazing thing was that xh and I were, very naturally, a team. Everyone remained very calm, and no one held back.
This is where I took notice of my own behavior and growth. I thought I handled the sitch pretty well.
Xh took full responsibility for his "selfish behaviors" and told s17 how he is "fully aware" of what his actions have done. He apologized to s17. S17 didn't say much to him at first and just said he does not want to have a r with him.
I think what surprised him was my response to the situation.
S17 said that he didn't want one bc of what xh did to me. So I asked him if it bothered him that xh hurt me. Yes. So I asked, "So then why do you continue to hurt me?" He didn't really know what to say.
XH stepped in every time s17 was disrespectful to me. S17 had made a comment about how xh is just like his dad. I interjected immediately (and surprised myself) and said that xh still to this day has never had his dad apologize to him for what he has done. That at 37 years old, his dad has never put in the effort to make it right. Then I said, look, he is here. He is trying to fix this. But, I actually started crying when I was saying this. I just felt so bad for xh. I think he was surprised by me being so honest about it, and I think it meant something to s17 to realize that xh was trying to fix their r.
Xh said that his top priority right now is to fix his r with his kids.
S17 said, "Which ones?"
Ouch.
We all agreed to put a plan in place to put s17 on track. We created this plan together. The 5th rule I made what that s17 needs to spend some time with his dad. (I know for sure, deep down, s17 is dying to do this.) I think they were both surprised I was pushing this. (Me too!) But I know it is best for him. I told s17 that its ok that many of their conversations will not be happy and that it is ok for him to express his feelings with xh. That it will take more than once, but it will help him work through it and forgive.
I told s17 that he needs to forgive. He needs to do it for him (right, AJ?!). That he can't live like this forever and continue to numb with weed.
S17 said to me that since the day he was born and every day of his childhood he wanted to grow up to be just like his dad. That every project he had in school where he had to write about a hero or anything like that, he always wrote about his dad. Now he doesn't want to be anything like him.
I said to him that we are all human. Everyone makes mistakes. Some make bigger ones than others, but that it happens. But we can't continue to live in the moment of those mistakes and let it define the rest of our lives. His dad that he respected and loved is still in there. He was lost for awhile and I don't know if he still is, but that at the core, his dad is still in there. He can have him back if he works through this, works on their r, and finds a way to forgive.
There was much more. I truly hope it will help s17. I think it meant something to him. He did feel, for a long time, that he was responsible, since he "caught" him and he later had to hide hww. For us to come together for s17 the way we did, hopefully, had an impact. He seemed to respond.
OK that was a quick (for me) synopsis of that!
All the while, xh listened to this. He actually did very well with s17, too. He was totally accountable- for everything. He even told s17 he knows that his selfish choices is the reason he started smoking. Yadda....
Didn't think I was done, right?????? (I think I am way to lengthy for everyone... but... this is for me!)
Xh, again, acknowledged the dog. He said to s17, "I'm sorry for what I did to you; I'm sorry for what I did to d13; I'm sorry for what I did to your mom; I'm sorry for what I've done to Sparky." (And he spent some time with Sparky too. Pretty cliché pseudonym, huh?)
And he said, "I just want to see you and d13 happy again, and I want to see your mom smiling again."
Say what?? That one caught me off guard.
Then, tonight, xh p/u d13 from practice, since he is doing daily!!!! Yes!
He took her to get something to eat and told her, I'm going to get something for s17 and your mom. And he did.
Say what??? That too caught me off guard.
D13, who hardly ever says anything, told me she noticed the difference with her dad. She said he is like his old self.
Then she asked me if we could be friends. I said that we could be cordial. Then she asked, if he left hww, if I would take him back.
Say what??? OK, I'm just keeping status quo. I'm not even going to entertain the idea. It will make me spin. Spinning is not progressing.
Brook, good call. I am quiet familiar as I went yrs ago. Last year I used resources to help get me through the day after bd. I stopped (pretty much everything) after nuke. I hadn't thought about as of late... thanks.
Thanks, Live.
uR. OK. I know, I know, I know you are so right. I have found myself finding more peace, but it has been ever-changing the past two weeks.
Prior to this, I was really looking towards forgiveness. For me. To forgive xh. So I could move on and be ready to wish him well with the baby. I was in mental boot camp. I started to get there, like really. And I was finding peace with hww... a little... a very little... but it was coming.
I even thought about how I could be graceful after the birth. Wait... I thought of ways to be graceful. Connecting THAT to how I could do it is the biggest challenge.
Then, out of nowhere, comes this very unexpected apology and acknowledgement with xh. I know, I know, can I count on it??? Well, like I told him, actions speak louder than words (as I was referring to what he was going to do to fix his r with the kids).
So, I'm not holding my breath. I know, from reading, that it will still continue to be a rollercoaster. I want him to stay on his while I find grounding from my own ride.
However, I can't say this isn't messing with me a little.
OK... I was totally digressing from your (any my) point. Let it go with hww. Yes, I was searching for peace. But what the heck is it? I don't know why, but I am totally enraged with her. She came between me and my husband, knowingly and willingly. And makes it like what she did and is doing is OK and exciting news. It really gets to me. I told xh today that he needs to tell her and her mom to stop bragging and acting like this is great stuff on social media. I said that it won't kill them if they don't post it, but that he was married when she got pregnant and that he has left a family devastated. It is totally inconsiderate of them to splash it all over with no regard for his family. He totally understood and said he would tell them both. I said that it would be best to come from him and not me.
OK, yup, I've got to let it go. I just don't know how. I am being totally honest. I really want to. I just don't know. But I will truly work at it. I have found that I am able to find a way to accomplish things I was unsure of in the past, and I can still do that now. I will keep working on it. I can't say I'm not going to stop venting here.
BUT! This is what I've noticed today. I think I've forgiven xh. With that said, it has changed my thinking. I was pretty much there before the apology. That helped. But I find that I feel very differently because of it. Does it mean I want to offer my home to him. NOPE! Not the least little bit. It's not like that. I just feel differently.
Mighty, what a difference a day makes. I mean that. Today it was like this, tomorrow? Well, let's live tomorrow when it comes, right?
You have no idea how lucky you are to have your exh show up and do that for the kids. I'm happily surprised he at least made that effort. If nothing else, kudos to him for doing that. Many here would have killed (anyone) for that moment in our own families.
That said, UR is right - you are all three bound to spin and test and not trust. Everyone wants "normalcy" to return to their lives.
Quote:
Then she asked me if we could be friends. I said that we could be cordial. Then she asked, if he left hww, if I would take him back.
That's a good indication of where your D is as well. What kid doesn't want their parents together? Watch it if she doesn't get her way, right?
Your son too. He may eventually view this as something that "worked" to get his dad's attention.
It's a great first step for them. I hope for their sake that it lasts. Let it sit and stew. This watched pot won't boil if you watch it
Wait and see with no expectations is my suggestion.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
M, I was kinda talking about the more raw comments..about her. I get it that it was all adrenaline, but, thats not who you want to be.
The thing is that you want him to be in your kids' lives. You want to have a working relationship with him. So now you said it all. He heard it, right? He knows how you feel.
I know you are enraged at her. I just think you are giving her so much power over your life. She took enough. Dont keep giving her more.
They did what they did. It was a really terrible thing to do. Holding onto all of that crap doesnt serve you well. It keeps you stuck in it. It stops you from moving forward. It allows you to feel the pain over and over again.
It wont happen overnight. It is a process...letting go. You are on your way. I just dont want all of this to stop you from it. You are worth way too much.
BINGO! AJ! I certainly hope s17got the acknowledgment he needed. I hope they both take steps in the right direction. I was very happy we were able to pull together. I'm just gonna keep movin.
Weird thing... I didn't eat what xh got me. I had eaten so kids did. Then I felt badly for not acknowledging his gesture. I felt like a b. I did send a simple thanks tonight. No response, but I wasn't expect I of anything. But I feel like it made me look weak. That sounds like a b, and I can't win. But I kind of wish I hadn't. Dumb, I know. It's whatev...
No contact was easier. But coparenting is easier than going it alone- especially w forgiveness.
UR- gotcha.... I get it. Why do I feel it necessary for xh to see reality? That's what overtakes me. Her thinking things are great and not give a $hit that my kids are suffering. Momma bear stuff, ya know?!
UR- gotcha.... I get it. Why do I feel it necessary for xh to see reality? That's what overtakes me. Her thinking things are great and not give a $hit that my kids are suffering. Momma bear stuff, ya know?!
My guess? Because it would validate your and your kids experience.
Yeah, I want that too...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
M, you cant force him to see reality. I know you think if you find the right combination of words, it is going to make a difference.
I remember feeling that way, too. If I just say this in that way, then he will see.
The truth is that he knows what he did. He does. Whether he is ready to look that squarely in the eye yet, I dont think so.
The thing is that you have no idea of her mindset. And what would it get you if she realizes? How will that help you? It wont undo whats been done.
She does not matter. Ok, I know she matters in that she will be in your children's lives, but, whether she feels one way or the other, doesnt matter.
What does matter is you. What matters is that you become who you want to be. What matters is that your children see that you are ok and that they have a relationship with their dad.
My son was 16 when this all happened and I will never forget these words from him after sometime had passed. "Mom, thank you for allowing me to live my life because I knew you were ok. Thank you for showing me how strong we both are for letting go of the hurt in order for me to have a relationship with my dad."
At the end of the day, M, that was what mattered to me. That I could look back at this time in my life and be proud of how I acted. That I got my son through this and did nothing to interfere with his relationship with his dad. That I grew and let go and moved forward.
What happened succked. No way around that. But dont let it define your life or your children's lives. She and your h have to deal with what they have done. You cant want that for them.
You can only control you and your words and actions.
I am sitting here with my mouth wide open and marveling at your grace under fire, your strength, your growth in action, your solid frame of mind and incredible depth. All I can say is wow. I don't imagine there are many women on this planet who can weather all you've weathered and still be able to be someone's confirmation sponsor, pull s17 up by his britches, stand solid for d13 and extend forgiveness to xh. I am speechless.
Can I ask you a question? In all of this, how are you caring for YOU. I ask for selfish reasons... I find when I feel strongest it's because I'm successful at being all for others... How do you balance self care into all you're managing right now?
Thanks, T. At least I'm not alone. Doesn't mean it's right for me, but it is a real feeling I have.
uR, you make me wanna cry!!!! I know you are so right. I know. I just don't know how to do this!!!! I have made baby steps, but I get these flashes of pure rage and disgust. I just want to make her... I don't know... pay or something.
But wait... I just had a moment... I put you and AJ together. OK, you are giving me the- ok, you can do this, it's not worth it, you are better than that. Then I could hear AJ's voice (which is weird that I hear it sometimes, even though I've never actually heard it..) and he is saying to me, Ask yourself, Mighty, do you want her to pay? Or is it something else? Best bet is to figure that out. Maybe once you know, it will be easier to lay to rest. She has no idea, she is in her own world. Will it really matter to her what you do or say? Does it matter to you what she thinks?
So, I have the words of uR and AJ married in my mind. (Sorry, AJ, not trying to put words on your fingers...)
Maybe this is a step. These are the questions and thinking I need to have to focus on me and my mental boundary of keeping her out of my emotional space.
I used Ellie's stop sign today. It helped.
This will be a lot of work, uR. But sometimes when it clicks, it clicks.
Ss, that is really sweet! And, I am quite surprised... I feel like a hot mess, then other times I just feel numb and going through the motions. Actually, I feel like that a lot of the time.
To tell you the truth, I really don't have any real answers about taking care of me, as I said, I kind of got through the motions a lot of the time.
However, I will share with you. And, for some reason, I just wanted to add, that we are the same age. I guess the more similarities, the more you relate. Even though, we are all connected in some cyber-weird way because we find security, safety, and hope here. The irony, right...
After bd, I was a mess. For quite a long time. I didn't eat, sleep, couldn't think, didn't go anywhere except to work and kids' activities. And it was a severely long, dark, and cold winter, which didn't help. It took about 6 months before I started to pick myself up. I was an active reader of the site, but wasn't yet posting.
I started to find some grounding around May, then was nuked the first week of July. I went totally numb. I went that week to get ad. I didn't know how I was going to cope. But, I realize I had gained some real good inner strength and tools during my previous recovery from bd.
So what I did, to help with pma, gal, and that stuff. Well, I did yoga, ran (which I haven't done much since nuke), read a lot, utilized this site like crazy.
I read my daily inspirational app every morning before I get out of bed, pray, find peace in the small things. I take the time to enjoy things I wouldn't have with xh here. Make decisions on my own that are for me.
A big one is that I take care of myself much better that before. I wasn't a disaster or anything, but I was always taking care of everyone, and honestly, I felt put down and not good enough. I felt guilty for taking any time for me. I never liked to spend money on myself. Xh controlled all the money, and was very selfish about it. So now, I get things for myself and it feels good. I cut my hair, it was always really long. Now I have a trendy shoulder length cut (yesterday I went for a cut and the other stylists were making comments about how hot it looked).
I have taken trips. Nothing too extravagant, but I get away whenever I can. I have taken the kids on several road trips. The first couple were sad for me, not to have xh nor to have him to talk to. I was pretty quiet as I drove for hours, but I always enjoyed myself. It has become much easier.
I have done lots of things I wouldn't have with xh. I relax. I never really did that with him. I always worked a ton and we always worked like crazy around the house. People thought we were nuts. Now, I take time to enjoy things.
Lots of mental discussions. LOTS!!!! Made new friends. Gone out with friends. Attended all the kids events with my head high. Started watching Joel Osteen w s17 (he doesn't like to go to church with me and has questioned his faith, but I have gotten him to watch that, even though I never had. He actually likes it, and it is pretty uplifting.)
I have found more compassion for others. It makes me feel good to feel more deeply for them and take more time to be sincere.
So, Ss, I hope you aren't sorry you asked! I don't know if that will help, but it is part of what my journey has been.
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope I can help you any way I can. This ain't easy.
My guess? Because it would validate your and your kids experience.
Yeah, I want that too...
For a very long time, I wanted that as well. Now? Not nearly as much. I don't know that I would even find it a nice thing or helpful in the least. I think at first I wanted to know I wasn't crazy. Being near crazy is tough. Crazy is infectious. Worse than the flu. But I needed to be heard. I needed to know that I wasn't imagining things. I even went so far as to journal and make my ex only communicate via email/text for a long time. The reason was two-fold - I needed distance and I needed a record. Why? Because even now she doesn't remember saying those things. I don't throw them back at her or anything, but it helps me stay grounded and not waste time revisiting what I heard to make sure it was what, indeed, I heard.
This board and my friends have been incredibly helpful. My family? Not nearly as much because they don't get it. They get part of it, but they don't get the whole picture, ya know? Nobody outside of here and two of my friends has experienced anything even remotely similar. The re-remembering, the anger, the spew, the leaving of the kids, the fighting to keep the kids from me, the accusations, the "I never loved you speech", etc. Things I couldn't make up, but that people would only think happen in the movies or romance novels. I don't even think my ex is ready to believe that stuff.
As UR and many others have said - my ex will when she's ready. Not a moment before. And to be honest, I'm not even sure I want her to. I see no purpose unless it is to help her figure herself out. Doubtful she'll go through that. Not likely her h will either (OM).
To be honest, I gave up on that idea. I found it freeing, once I could satisfy my thinking that I may be the crazy one or the cause of the trauma-drama.
At first the actions of letting that go were difficult. We have kids together so there has been some necessary interactions. Her way of doing that is to attack first and then be nice after (like bi-polar but not quite). Once I got to a point where I just had nothing to say, it was very freeing. But to be honest, I didn't do it because I wanted to. I did it because I just had nothing more to give/say to her.
What I didn't realize was that the actions were not important. The reasons behind them were. Letting go of the anger and resentment and annoyances was important. Letting go of those feelings became so important nothing was going to stand in my way. And I mean nothing.
What I realized was that although annoying from time to time (when she tries to be), it makes absolutely no difference what I think of either of them. None. I may as well spit in the wind. Although I keep an eye on the behavior, I do so more for protection than anything else. She seems to have transferred her anger to him (not her directing at him; he carries that torch and doesn't let her forget it). It's odd, but it is how things are.
After a while, I did not need her validation of what happened. I was there and I know. And I let it go because my life is my life. She chose to leave it and that's enough for me.
I dislike how she treats the kids. But I am incredibly grateful that she is in their lives. She left them at one point. She missed most of their growing up due to this trauma-drama. And while I'm sad for my kids in that regard, they still have a chance to have a relationship with her. I worked hard early on so they could. Some of my less proud moments of manipulation of my ex and her h. But I'm glad I did.
At the end of the day, I'm me and she's.. well, she's her. We're the parents of the kids and that's all there is to that. The kids deserve to have their parents and have unhindered access and a relationship with both parents. If I can help in that regard, I will help my kids. And I don't need to worry about what I say or do or feel when I do it. I just do it.
Once you let go, you no longer second-guess yourself nor your actions. You can BE. You can ACT. You can LIVE your life. What others do becomes less important as long as they don't cross reasonable boundaries. I'm still their father
AJ
P.S. I doubt my fingers sound anything like UR, but honestly I'm honored to be paired with her voice even if I don't measure up. She's a wise cookie. Me? I'm just an ignorant, happy child in adult clothing
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Another day of... hmmm.... what would I call this.... obscurity?
Xh contacted me many times today. We seem to be on good communicating terms. I still keep it minimal. He did respond this morn to my thank you.
Then, very different... after he brought d13 home, he came to the door and wanted to talk to me. Seriously, this is so weird. This hasn't happened since like April. He asked if we could sit together at s17's football banquet tomorrow. Gulp. I guess he arranged a ticket for himself (I don't think s17 knows). I was quiet for a moment, but I told him that I would be cordial for the kids, but that I really can't be friends with him. That he made a choice and it was difficult for me, but I would be fine communicating for the kids. I told him that as long as he is with her, I just can't find a way to find a friendship. (That is my reality. I know, because of what I feel for her is unhealthy for me, and I can't constantly be reminded of that.)
He said, "We will talk." and left.
I really have no idea what this guy is thinking. He seems to have some kind of plan. I don't have a clue what it is. Truly.
BUT.... I really try not to think about it. My thinking has not changed for me. At all. I just watch out of the corner of my eye, but still focus on my path. And the great thing for me.... I have control of my emotions when I hear from him. For so long I would have these shooting emotions when I would see he was communicating. Shaking, sweating, nervous, freaking out, crazy, crazy stuff. Now, it's like no sweat. At all. I don't even think twice.
Oh yeah, he mentioned that he emailed me. I kind of laughed and said, "Oh, I blocked you." He was like, "What? Well how have you gotten them before?" I told him that I blocked him after he sent that crazy email to my work. He asked how; I said I did it in the settings. And that was that.
C'mon, AJ. You weren't impressed with my finger impression of you? It was really helpful to me! You have given me tools, which I am trying to hone, to really question my thinking and reactions. You know, perspective and all....
The way you frame thing help me. Then uR give me the perspective of what it is like on the other side. That I can get there, while you've helped in giving me the tools to get there. Thank you both.
And your post... yes, yes, yes! I agree and get it! I am working so hard to get to that place. I am so impressed with you. Thank you for sharing that with me. You are very strong and level-headed. I need that and try to absorb it as much as I can.
Oh, M, I certainly dont want to ever make you feel like crying.
I also dont want to make you feel that you arent doing amazing, because you are. You have been dealt a whole lot and then some.
My friend Labug wrote this on SS thread. I like it. "Letting go is a process. It happens in phases and stages and it's not linear.
This whole process is like that, a little progress followed by a little rest or what may appear to be "backsliding." It doesn't have to be negative, perhaps there was something we didn't learn when we were last in that spot, that we're now ready to learn. Our tendency is to chastise ourselves instead of saying gently, "Hmmm what am I to learn from this."
You know, Might, my xh's ow sent flowers to him to our home. She called my house. She did some other really terrible things. And for a long time, I was really angry with her. How dare she, I thought. Until one day I realized I was holding on to all these feelings that she cared not one bit about. She didnt care if I was hurt. She didnt care if I was angry.
So, what was the point? What did it change? And then I knew...it was changing me. Well, that sure got my attention. Not only was I allowing her all this power and control over my life..but, I was allowing my feelings about her to change who I was. And no freakin way was I going to allow that. I was not going to give myself away. I was too important. I mattered. And so are you, so do you, Mighty.
Look, I get how this makes you feel. I do. No matter how we try to think that they cant shine our shoes, there is a little part of us that thinks...what do she have that I dont? Why her?
The truth is that I knew that my xh's ow had nothing that I lacked. She didnt have my dignity or honor. She had a shell of a man. A man in crisis who was broken. Someone else h. She was not worthy of one single piece of me. Not one.
So, I no longer wanted her to hurt. I didnt care one way or the other what she thought or she didnt think because I knew my truth. That's what mattered to me. Her actions were all on her.
Mighty, shift your focus. Know your worth. You matter. Your kids matter. Just get out of the way of that mess.
You have such strength, M. Such courage and conviction and heart. Be you always. Dont change who you are for anyone.
Oh and,I, too, am honored to be paired with AJ. He is simply amazing.
Tonight will be interesting since xh wants to sit w me at banquet. It will be a couple of hours long. S17 said he will not go if his dad does. I seriously hope he does not make a scene. He is embarrassed bc "everybody knows."
Well... At least xh isn't being the coward he has been.
As for me.... Well... I don't know. It friggin weird.
JK, not really, but boy oh boy, what a ride. Sometimes, I think, when you are detached enough, some of it can be slightly (in a demented way) entertaining.
Got to the banquet, xh was waiting in the parking lot waiting for us (plus he called 2x prior, including once on his way home from work- without her).
Walking in- slightly awkward, but it really doesn't bother me. But we were just about the last to arrive, and I think I heard a unison gasp from the reception hall as we entered together .
THEN, we couldn't find seats!!!!! Oh no!!!! It was so embarrassing. Finally the coaches son, who is also on the team, ran over to us and told us to take the "Reserved Table" in the front. It was for the coaches, but they were at a table over. Obviously, people really were looking at us.
So we did. Big empty table, in the front. Nice. I sat first, then s17, xh sat next to me. I was in the middle. OK? S17 really wouldn't speak with xh.
However, things were abnormally normal with xh and I. It is so freaking weird that it is like a well oiled machine. This much time, all the insanity, and we can be so 'normal' with each other.
Here is what is so good from my perspective. $hit really doesn't bother me. That's it.
I'm good. I don't need anyone in my life to be complete. If someone wants to be. OK, but I will have standards. I have no time for negativity or drama. I've have experienced enough for a lifetime.
**** Side note**** S17's best friend's mom and I have been friendly. We don't know each other very well, but have spent some time together. She is known for being CRAZY! And she is. And she is not afraid to show it. Ever. Recently I reached a point where she really ticked me off and really crossed the line. I got pretty short with her and let her know that I wasn't playing that. Awhile ago, she had mentioned that she wanted to sit with me at the banquet. I haven't spoken to her in a little bit.
Tonight, I knew that I didn't want to sit with her, because it was already slightly precarious being there with xh. And, since she has NO filter, whatsoever, and says pretty ignorant things for all to hear, I didn't want to deal. I can easily cut that nonsense from my life now. So I sent a text before the banquet to her: I can't sit with you tonight.
She started blowing up my phone w texts and vm. I was like he11 to the no. I ignored. I felt bad, but I didn't. I love her son though. And I don't have a real problem with her; I just know my limit.
*****Side note ended******
Banquet was nice. Had video with pics of seniors, from baby pics to senior football pic. Awwww... my babe!
Me... well.... I'm not kidding when I tell you that I am such a Saturday Night Live character. Seriously. It has been a dream of mine to be on the show, but I think the best I will ever get is to be a real-life version of an unfortunate caricature.
I got this hot black dress in NY. I wore it tonight... for obvious reasons. I'm like, oh yeah... this is gonna be good. I strutted in this place like I owned it. I didn't even care that there wasn't a seat. I knew they'd have one reserved in the front for this hot chick. Oh yeah.
After I sat down, the captain of the football team, (who received the most accolades tonight) came over and said, "Mrs. Mighty, you look really good," all drawn out and sincere. Xh said, what'd he say? I said, that I look really good. OK, so he's like 18, and a kid, but it was in front of xh, so I smiled and thanked him.
Well, Miss Mighty can only pull that off for so long. I was never meant to pull this stuff off.... I can for a minimal time... but SNL ensues.
I noticed not long after we sat down that my fingernails were turning colors. I was like, what the heck? Why do I have ink all over me? Then my hands... then it got worse... then my white I phone... then the white table cloth all around me... then my Coach bag, which was behind me.... everything, purplish-blackish.
My dress. My hot black dress...
Not so hot. All night it got worse. I kept wiping my hands on napkins... so I had a pile of blackish napkins in front of me. I am not so cool.
TBC... Part 2... The modifying behaviors of the runner...
OH, MY, OH!!!!! MIGHTY. You don't mess around with the plot twists and comedic happenstances!!! You're my kinda girl. Can't wait to read the second act of the night....
Xh looks different. Like, worn down, aged, not happy- at all. However, after spending a couple hours with me, he certainly perked up!
Yup, I was me. Totally. I felt good in my skin. I didn't feel like I was focusing on db tactics. I have taken a lot of what I have learned and made it a part of me- for growth. I will continue to this this. But, being with him, I felt like me. Like more myself than I have felt in YEARS! It's weird!
I think because he is such a big part of me, that I felt that and it felt like me... being me... like... home or something. And, since he knows me better than ANYONE, there is that too. But, even more importantly, I am so much healthier than I have been the past few (???? many) years. It was like the best of both worlds. And that I can walk away from him tonight, hop in my car and drive off and be fine with it. I feel happy.
Now- forewarning- there are some things I don't do by db standards. Some, simply are different when dealing w MLC. Others, well, I did, and I have, but at this point, I don't want to lose the authenticity of who I am.
And, quite frankly, I am a major smart @ss. I don't really do it here, bc that's not very useful for me here, and bc through typing, it could be misconstrued.
Anyway, my digression takes hold...
I was me with xh. I think he appreciated it. As much as I bust his balls, I think he appreciates it. One thing I have thought he must miss from me, is that I always made him laugh. It is the one thing about me that I really like. With that said, I usually don't miss a beat in taking the opportunity to be a wise guy.
I definitely made comments, jokingly, about his sitch. He laughed. That's the dynamic we have always had. I miss it and I know he does too. He knows exactly where I am coming from, and I know the limit- there isn't one Just kidding! But, come on, do you know how much material I have to work with right now?!
At the end, people were moving about bc kids were doing something together. I told xh to move away from me bc people would think we were together and I need to show that I'm single. He laughed.
Here is a weird thing, xh was always the first one to leave places. Always. It drove me crazy. He could never stay for anything in it's entirety. Nothing. He was always in a rust to get out. It was like anxiety or something. It was intense. That is one thing I've really enjoyed. The feeling of not having to rush and that I can relax and enjoy life.
Tonight, they team had a chance to do something optional at the end. Lots of people left, I told s17 that I would wait if he wanted to participate. XH stayed. That has NEVER happened. EVER! In fact, he was like totally attached to my hip. The whole night! So of course, I said, "Don't you have a curfew?" He smirked. Then indicated that she wasn't really comfortable. I asked if she was insecure about him being there. He made a face, pretty much like she ain't happy. Then he said, "I'm going to take care of it." Whatever that means.
He asked several times about my family. He said that he thinks about them all the time. We caught up on lots of things. Talked about the trips I have taken with the kids. He said he wasn't sure what he was doing for Thanksgiving. I said, well, haven't you talked about it with her? He shrugged. I said, well I'm sure she has said something. He said, Yeah, she says.... then s17 came up and we dropped it.
He asked if s17 wanted him there. I was honest. I told him that s17 is embarrassed. He said, "What did he tell all his friends?" I explained that it really isn't a secret anymore, since they are no longer sneaking around. It's public record, they live together, go places together, and people see them. Plus, since she graduated two years ago (smart @ss) people here know her.
XH wanted to be so close to me the whole time. I know he wants a r with me. I don't know that he wants a r to be together, but he misses me. I can tell, for sure. I can also tell, he does not want to be in the r with her. He is very unhappy there. I also think that she is seeing this. I don't know why I say this, but I know she is very insecure with his recent actions. You know, like him wanting to see his kids and all.
Oh well. Not my prob. None of it. My biggest prob of the night was trying to figure out my dang dress!
I think maybe because I am ok no matter what happens, I am able to be me again. Even if that means saying things that aren't advised... I know my heart and who I am (errr... for the most part). I know what I like about me, and I am not going to apologize for that. Take it or leave it. I don't want to cause harm or pain to others (well... except... never mind)... so my intentions are good. I can be me. I like me. I can't make decisions for others, so I won't focus myself on what one may or may not do. That doesn't mean that I won't consider actions sometimes, but, you know... no apologies for real intent.
Oh yeah, and xh said he should find out about his job in the beginning of Dec or beginning of Jan. Hww's job is on the line too. Wow... he is in a SPOT! Right when baby is due, unhappy... child support here there, everywhere. Mortgages.. yadda...
Mighty, this isnt a one size fits all kind of a thing...dbing.
You being true to who you are and being you and liking you..thats what this is all about in my eyes.
Once I found my footing, I was me always. Hence the cell phone clothes and the chair decorating. Oh, I didnt tell you about that, did I?
Warning ----not dbing by the book...
My xh always sat in his leather recliner. Almost every night as his ow was 5 hours away.
I was GALing and doing my thing. I would leave and then come home and there he sat. Night after freakin night.
But one night he wasnt there. So, I decorated the chair. When he got back he said, UR whats up with the chair.
And I said, "It was so excited that you werent in it that it decided to throw itself a party."
So, trust me that I get that you want to be you. As long as your mindset is that you are ok either way and that his actions and words are not affecting yours, you are good.
What do you want, Mighty? Have you thought about that? What if he is realizing what he's done and he isnt happy and wants back in?
Those are some things you have to think about moving forward.
Mighty, I was excited to read your update. You rock, girl! I second what uR said, have thought about what you want from now on? After all this settles, there are going to be hard decisions to make. I keep reading about your xh saying that he is going to take of this and that in regards to this situation and her. I’m thinking he has something in works. There is trouble in paradise, LOL. My guess is she is going to explode with accusations and suspicions and he will take the opportunity to leave.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Wow Mighty, Much happening in your world. One thing to keep in mind is that this all started when S17 really acted out. Be careful in the future that he doesn't start to think that acting out is the way to get his father's attention (in a good way). Kids can sometimes do that so it's just something to keep in mind. As for the rest.....wow is all I can say. Be careful going ahead with H. In the end he was weak enough to allow hww to lead him to say and do many ugly things, don't underestimate her ability to influence H if she starts to feel threatened.
Good for you at S's big night. You are showing everyone that you are strong and confident in YOU and that will not be taken down by H and hww's chit!
Just be careful and don't let your guard down. Be you, be the great person you are but always be ready for H to go back to being "confused". This is a great start but I think you need to be prepared for more drama to come.
Oh my gosh, you guys- whew! This is all so unreal and unexpected. I would say that I'm not prepared, but I think that's entirely true. I think I can handle anything at this point.
How do I feel about this? Hmmmm.... I don't know. What I feel the most is that I want to be on my "A" game for my kids. I want to make sure I am a strong and loving mother who keeps them moving in the right direction. That's my priority.
The other focus is to keep working on me. I am prepared to handle things, but I am not prepared to make decisions. At all. So I guess if I have to make a plan, it is really, those two things right now.
What's my plan with xh? I don't know. I did tell him that we can't be friends like this. However, I see true intent in him fixing his r with the kids. I also remember one of the first posts I received (AJ) was that maybe sometime he may need a friend. Really, I see that. And the truth is, I'd be there for him if he needed me. However, I'm not looking for a hang out buddy; it's not like that.
I need time. I feel good about me. I feel fine continuing on my own path right now.
So... here's the haps for today....
xh texted me today to see how s17 is doing. I waited a little bit. I do not want to give the impression at all that I am sitting around waiting for him. Then he sent a couple more after I responded.
He took d13 and a friend to the movies tonight. I left before he got here so that I wouldn't be here when he picked them up.
Then I had an interesting conversation with someone who enlightened me a little.
This person said, "I don't know how to describe it, but it's like this fog has lifted and now he can see what has happened."
WHAT?! Where have we heard that before?! I mean, isn't that ^^^^^^ like, textbook?
The way so many things have happened have been like the script reads. It is way so totally unexpected. Really. I didn't see it coming. But, no need for me to temper down... I'm just (almost)shocked, not overwhelmed (If anything could ever shock me again, I guess).
What I gather- xh is so over it. Totally.
OK, so, brace yourself.... the silver lining.... seriously.
So we all know the one thing that has been the most difficult for me as of late... HWW. Right?! Not being able to find the way to release her from my emotions.
Well, this may seem weird, but, well, bare with me...
Apparently hww does not understand why I don't like her.
and
She does not understand what s17's problem is with her.
*****Now, take a moment of silence to digest that.*********
Bahahahahahahaha!
She had said originally that my kids would be fine. So now, what's the problem?
And, she has shown only concern for her son. It's all bout him and, pretty much, screw my kids. Yup. Just as I have imagined. Is this chick for real?
OK- so.... you all were right all along, ahem, excuse me, it's not like I ever doubted you! I just couldn't wrap my head around it. She is a mother after all. A mother f...er and a husband f...er. (Sorry, uR)
THE SILVER LINING you ask????? Well of course, she is a dumb clueless idiot! She won't get it, and I don't give a $HIT! I've released it! She is totally clueless. Seriously. There is nothing I could do... I can't waste my time... my concern.... my emotions.... she will be taken care of. Not by me. But the universe will handle her.
Hey guys. Well I hope I don't lose my friends here tonight... and I hope I'm not banished from the boards. I think I broke ALL the rules. But I am human, I have had enough.
No, no... wait. I didn't break all the rules. Scratch that. I broke the rule re hww. Anyone see that coming?
I will give a quick synopsis and will avoid specific details.
Today my family was celebrating our Thanksgiving. We always gather the weekend before, so others can see in-laws, etc.
Anyway, before getting there, things got pretty bad w s17. Then I didn't know where he was. It was raining, s17 still has no phone since his has been smashed again, and he was on foot. He was close enough to xh house, so I called him to see if he could get him.
Xh was 30 min away Christmas shopping. I could hear hww's son screaming in the background and hww talking to him. I hung up and hit a place that I never have before. I was so mad. And that's and understatement. That was the first time I've heard her voice.
I couldn't have Thanksgiving without my s. Especially when he was nowhere to be found. I was sick of days and holidays ruined. And here they were.... friggin Christmas shopping. D13 was so upset, but internalizing as usual.
I drove the 20 miles to drop her off and headed back to look for him.
Xh called me and was then out looking for him too. I knew right were I was headed. Well.... I introduced myself to her. She had no idea who I was. No clue.
It was exciting. That is how I will describe it.
Honestly, it felt really good.
XH was on my tail, so it didn't last long.
I went to my house to see if s17 was there. XH followed me.
Then he told me he was moving out. He already made arrangement to stay with his friend.
We found s17 after that. xh told s17 he was moving. I can't tell you how emotional s17 was. He tried not to be, and covered his face with his hat, but he was speechless. Then showed his face and had tears in his eyes and a smile from ear to ear.
XH explained again that he looks at the pics on this phone every day of our family and how happy we were and all the fun we had together. He told s that he wants that back.
I told s17 to hug his dad, which he willingly did. It was nice to see that.
I know xh is very sincere now when it comes to his kids. I hope he doesn't do anything to screw that up.
I also clarified w xh that it wasn't about him (my confrontation with hww). Like I've always thought: I fought for my husband; I'm not going to fight over him. This was about my kids.
Just found out.... he is moving out right now. He is next door storing stuff at bil. S17 went to help him. He is taking tomorrow off to finish.
Oh and the pics I saw of hww online must have been photoshopped. I don't know what he was thinking. She wasn't cute at all.
Xh was 30 min away Christmas shopping. I could hear hww's son screaming in the background and hww talking to him. I hung up and hit a place that I never have before. I was so mad. And that's and understatement. That was the first time I've heard her voice.
Let me clarify. I wasn't so mad because I heard her voice, that just added fuel to the fire.
.
Just kidding! But, come on, do you know how much material I have to work with right now?!