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jim0987 Offline OP
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So here I am at thread #5 already. Thread #4 here

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2503262#Post2503262

Quick recap on my situation. Things haven't been great between my wife and I since our first child was born 3.5 years ago. I was happy to believe it was just the multiple stresses in our lives but that the M would be OK. W disagreed and left me for OM early sept 2014 (though apparently he only wanted something casual - she is pursuing him and other OM.)

Looking back I was classic avoidant self doubting 'nice guy' which means I was weak, inconsiderate and snarky. I basically refused to engage with emotion. I believe W suffers(ed) from depression (with all the anxiety and socially isolating bits that go with that). We bickered and sniped about our problems but never talked about them.

We both let each other down spectacularly at various points and my W's chief complaints are about my sarcasm and that I was never there for her. I would add she lost all respect for me.

Anyway so 2 months on we are still in the sane house and my W shows no signs of wanting anything from me other than to never be in her life again (not possible because of the kids). W has filed for D and will move out when her house purchase goes through.

Thanks to some outstanding advice here, a lot of reading and a good IC; I'm getting myself to a place where I am really trying to work on me. My key goals (in short form) are

1) be more alpha male
2) engage with emotions in a grown up and compassionate way
3) act from love not fear
4) set and enforce boundaries
5) be me, but the me I want to be.
6) detach properly

So that's where I am. hopefully this thread will continue my progress and you never know my W might even notice.

Thanks for sticking with me. Its brilliant that some disembodied strangers on the internet are willing to help me, challenge me, cheer me on and generally support me in getting through the worst experience of my life.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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I like what you said above about acting from love rather than fear. I need to work on that as well, so I must borrow that from you. I also need to work on detaching properly but I am REALLY struggling with that one. I try really hard to not have contact with H, but then he will e-mail or text me. I respond only to what he asks when he does contact me but still. This would be easier if we lived in separate towns or something. Ugh! Anyway, sorry to digress, just really wanted to say that something you wrote above resonated with me.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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jim0987 Offline OP
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So not DB'g but I just got a massive ego boost at work in that my bid to lead a professionally significant multi-national project was successful.

Im very excited by this and immediately shared the news with W (probably shouldn't have) who's response was a very muted 'I knew you'd get it'

It would have been nice to get more enthusiasm but hey, no expectations.

So my W may not like my job but actually I do and I'm good at it. And that is something to feel good about.

Last edited by jim0987; 11/12/14 09:55 PM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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Congratulations! You must have been hoping for it for a little while, so the satisfaction must be even greater. It's fun to see that we have people from all walks of life coming her to share their emotional pain. We're all the same. And you're right: you should have let your W discover it later. It would have been a great surprise, a way to show her that you have your own mysteries now, that you don't share important stuff with her. She's out of the loop. Lesson learned?


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Yep lesson learned. I think if she hasn't been in the next room I would have resisted.

Having said that she has criticised OM1 for having no drive and ambition (After he rejected her) so perhaps its not all bad...


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
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D paperwork in progress
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So ive been pondering the approach by RobX that starsky reposted.

My situation isn't the same as I'm not in limbo - there's no ambiguity in my W's position. So it doesn't work exactly but I do think the mindset might be quite healthy.

Ive tried to rewrite it for my situation as though it were going to be actually said but its more to try and help my head in the right place whilst working on me.


Dear W

You are my wife and that is something that was a source of great pride for me.

I have loved you at every stage of our relationship and in some ways will continue to do so for the remainder of my life. You are imperfect and flawed and that is what I loved about you – from your vinegary feet to your button nose; that you could be an awesome CEO but really you just want to fill out rail warrants; you are the awesome mother of our amazing kids and you are freakishly good at pointless; from your shuffle to your snaffling and Every lump bump blemish and scar – even the ones you cant see. I loved it all because they are what make you, you.

Now maybe you didn’t know this or you doubted it or that you just felt I had let you down too badly and too often or just maybe your own fears got in the way. But the truth is my love was real and that I was always there for you, I just hadn’t figured out the right way to show you. I let my shame and fear get in the way of doing what I needed to do for you to believe that. I didn’t know how – I’d never had the opportunity to learn and was too afraid to ask.

All I wanted in return was to feel wanted, to feel trusted and to be able work through all of life’s challenges with someone I could trust to be honest with me, someone who would be challenging and supportive and ultimately love me for me. But as much as I loved and wanted you, I didn’t need you – I never did and I see that now. I see that I am enough.

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, someone who doesn’t trust me, who resents me. And actually I'm ok with that because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for and accepting less for too long.

I know who I am and I know what I want, I know my flaws and I know what I’m doing to fix them. I’m going to show myself the respect and compassion that I deserve by moving on and building the happy, meaningful and fulfilling life I deserve. I would rather this new future was with you but truth be told I’ll be just fine without you.

What you do is your choice, you can come with me or not. I won’t try to control you and I won’t stand in your way. I sincerely hope that whatever you choose makes you happy.


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So unsurprisingly this is still ticking over in my head.

My wife felt lonely and afraid to open up to me because I either didn't engage with the emotions or went on the defensive. Often she would shut down and withdraw at the furst sign of anything either than 100% agreement.

I've said before she seems to be waiting for a massive backlash which I think in part is due to my response of her meeting her ex - and I think everyone would agree an A and asking for divorce is way worse. She always expected this and was looking for it even when it wasn't there (Like me looking for signs of rejection)

Anyway I think that the fear that has held her back from our R for 3 years is much greater now and to the extent that I think she would be too afraid to even contemplate a way back.

The thing is that backlash isn't coming because I see what happened and can better grasp what she was feeling which overidingly was alone.

So how do I let her know that the path back doesn't include punitive behaviour on my part and that she doesn't need to be afraid (she never did - because even at my worst the moment she said it hurts I stopped).

What I want to say to her is this:

- I always loved you and never for one minute doubted it. You may not have felt it but you were never alone. I Know it would have felt like I backed away but in truth I didn't know what to do, I'd never had the opportunity to learn nor anyone to show me. Its something I'm learning now.
- when I was defensive it was all based on my feelings of not being enough, that others were better than me. Never was it a judgement of you. I understand why I felt that now and I realise I am enough and always was.
- I want you to know that you have nothing to fear from me. I've never tried to hurt you or punish you and certainly never wanted to do anything that diminished your spirit. It's not something I'm going to start now or in the future. the difference being that I am now also much more aware of how I act and what I say can make you think this. I'm doing what I can to make sure i never do this to anyone again


Your thoughts would be much appreciated as like I say I don't think she has any idea that the way back would be anything other than punitive and judgemental.


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Originally Posted By: jim0987
So how do I let her know that the path back doesn't include punitive behaviour on my part and that she doesn't need to be afraid (she never did - because even at my worst the moment she said it hurts I stopped).

What I want to say to her is this: (...)

Your thoughts would be much appreciated as like I say I don't think she has any idea that the way back would be anything other than punitive and judgmental.
Speak with your actions. You write "what I want to SAY is this". DR and this forum tell us that we're looking for a quick fix in words that doesn't exist.

For instance, when you write: "I want you to know that you have nothing to fear from me", to her, you're like a lion telling this to the antelope. She's not going to have an epiphany. She'll believe you when she's not punished and judged by you. Take this time that she's giving you to work on yourself and make sure it doesn't happen, in the long run.

Don't be punitive and judgmental in your actions. It's the only thing she will believe. Apply generously. Then, be patient.

You're making tremendous efforts of self-introspection to identify your responsibility in your sitch. It's impressive.


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Originally Posted By: jim0987
So ive been pondering the approach by RobX that starsky reposted.

My situation isn't the same as I'm not in limbo - there's no ambiguity in my W's position. So it doesn't work exactly but I do think the mindset might be quite healthy.

Ive tried to rewrite it for my situation as though it were going to be actually said but its more to try and help my head in the right place whilst working on me.
I had to go back to RobX' letter because that's not how I recalled it. The first section, full of compliments to your wife, is something that you added up.

You're in bizarro world: she's not going to like the compliments. They make her cringe. Think of how you'd respond if a colleague were to write this to you. She's not your lover, she doesn't react or think like a lover. She doesn't like a guy who loves of every quality and shortcoming. He's weak and exasperating. It's a four-paragraph I-love-you.

If you're working on the mindset, it doesn't look like you're there yet. Try removing the first four paragraphs. Replace them with: This is not what I wanted, but I'm adjusting. Keep the rest. Then read your letter again. How do you feel about it now? Would you be able to deliver that message to her? If not, what will it take for you to get there?

Note that before my W left the house, I couldn't think straight. I would be sleepless in bed searching for the WORDS I could tell her so that she would stay. I missed a lot of opportunities to act right.


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Cheers Mozza.

Yes I am in bizzaro world. I was going to qualify that but you are right. Its that you realise what you had when its gone.

I have no expectation of her believing me in the slightest about not fearing me but at the same time if I don't say it how would she know? Theres lots I didn't know because she never said. I know that 99% of it is actions but at the moment she is looking for me to hurt her - her defences are set to 11 and in the past and present she has felt judged when I was doing nothing of the sort - not even close.

In my heart I know my M is done and was some time ago, my opportunity to change came and went long before BD without me noticing. Despite that I'm not quite ready to completely throw in the towel even if I am just setting myself up for being crushed all over again.

I'm very much in the camp that is holding onto foolish hope but at the same time knows the true goal is to improve me.

But yes your amendments to the RobX thing - I could deliver that and nearly be OK with that. I am getting there in my mindset I just still have a bit too much 'I love her' stuck in there.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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