Inside my chrysalis 7

[Ss06]

The space I have right now is no contact outside of D talk, I don't initiate seeing him AT ALL.

The talk is short and business like with some friend sprinkled in.

That's it.

I need some time away, I think to get out if this space of anger and resentment.

My bestie can't get her 4 month old to take a bottle and I know it's tough on parents to do that. I want to offer to help by going up there and spending 48 hours with the baby and making this bottle thing happen so mom doesn't gave to worry about a hungry baby at daycare. I'm not sure I could fit it in the schedule but I'm trying. It's just the complete mental change I really, really need and I'd be helping someone, too.

[uRworthy]

Hey sweetie. So, you're angry cuz this all succks, right? I mean really, you didnt sign up for this.

You have to go through all the stages of grief. Sometimes you go through and back around again. Doesnt happen in a straight line. You just dont want to stay stuck in any one stage.

Here's the thing about the anger part. It can be used to propel you forward and that's a good thing. The bad part about it is the bitter part. Thats not good for anyone.

So, you are angry that he gets to decide what he wants regardless of how it affects anyone else. The thing is that you cant control anyone else but you. You cant expect that he should have a plan. You cant control if he does the work.

The only one you can control is you. When I was going through this, it was important to me what I saw when I looked back on this part of my life. Who did I want to see?

I realized that it wasnt what I wanted, but, I would be damnnned if I was going to allow him to take anymore than he had already taken. That makes me a victim and I aint one.

I used my anger to make sure that he wasnt getting anymore of me. Not one part. By that I mean, I wasnt going to allow what he was doing to change who I wanted to be. I wasnt going to allow his decisions to impact mine. I wasnt going to let what he said or did affect what I did. Nope. Wasnt gonna happen.

So I decided that he can make his decisions, and I sure as heck was going to make mine. And mine were that I was going to become the person I was meant to be. I was going to use this time to become strong. I was going to take care of my son and teach him how to handle life's tough stuff.

And nothing that my h was going to do, was going to throw me off MY path. Ever. In any way.

Leave him to his ridiculousness. You do what you need to do for you.

And you should start by not allowing him to just show up whenever he feels like it. Not to punish. But because you deserve to be respected.

Get back on your path, SS. Dont give him any more power. Take it back.

You can do this. I know it.

[Ss06]

Man, I needed you to show up, uR. Thank you.

I do let the anger and resentment color my outlook and I can work on that while also recognizing that this is a process, one that follows no script.

I was journaling last night and allowed myself to just vent and spew, something I normally don't allow myself to do because it keeps me stuck but I tried it to see if it really was something I just needed.

It was.

I vented a ton and by the end, I'd wrapped around and found my PMA again. I need to listen to myself when I'm itching to vent and do it via journaling. If i do it with a friend they empathize and encourage which keeps me in my rut, when I work through it on paper I come out ok on the other end. Most of the time.

Like you, uR, and probably many others, I don't want to look back on this time and dislike the person I was. I feel like though, given my circumstances, it makes sense for me to be a little "off".

I'll admit, I have not found my footing in this long-term mountain climb and I keep trying different ones on to see what fits me. Nothing is quite right. Hence my general avoidance of H. When we do hang out, it's ok but I still have a basic instinct to internally roll my eyes so heavily that they might not right themselves again.

More distance is my only answer I think, so I can work through some of this anger and figure out how to let it propel me further forward.

I don't want him to have anymore if me. I feel like he's still taking but that must mean I'm still giving, right?

He stops by to see D under the guise of "charging the car" which I don't mind but then he makes a comment about something regarding the house and I find it critical and it triggers me and I react. I feel set up almost. So when he's here I spend a lot if time reminding myself to not ask him questions, to do my own thing, to not even be in the same room. He makes himself quite at home and even seems to take stuff without telling me (suddenly two chairs from the patio are missing and about 4 bottles of wine from a recent shipment).

I can hear him in my head say, "it's my house, too" and this is true but he can help clean the dog pee up from the playroom carpet then, right?

Then today, I asked him (prepared for a no or even a laugh) if he'd be willing to snake the shower drain (my long hair clogs any drain after a few months). He did it no problem, even cleaned up after himself. I was shocked.

He goes up and down, too, and that makes me go up and down.

Reactive.

I need to find my even-keel. Get back on my path.

What other things can I take back my power on? How do I state it?

[uRworthy]

It's a process and yea, of course you are going to be a little off. You will right yourself up.

I was also living in the home when this happened. I'm sorry, but, I dont think he should be able to just come over. I dont care if its his house too. Its your home that you are living in and unless he doesnt mind you showing up where he is living unannounced and making yourself at home, he should be told it isnt ok. Nor is taking anything without your permission.

"H, please call before you come over. I do not come over to where you live unannounced and expect the same from you." or however you want to say it.

Also, cleaning out the drain and stuff like that...figure out how to do that stuff yourself, ya know?

Time to start showing him that you heard him. Time to start realizing you are more than capable.

[Ss06]

You're right, I need to learn to snake the drain and tell him that coming over for piddly stuff needs to be prearranged. Him coming over can be hugely disruptive, the dig goes insane for 30 minutes, D is talking a mile a minute because she's not sure when he'll say, "gotta go" and he's throwing questions at me about this and that. It just [censored] the life out of me and it's only 30 minutes or so.

Anyway, back to ME.

I don't want him to have any more of me. That's tough because he's rather manipulative (though he doesn't see this about himself). I don't want my anger to be a tie between us. I have to let it go. It's doing nothing for me but adding to my justification of being reactive and let's face it, there's no justification for that.

I feel like I'm back to taking small steps again but at least they're steps right?

The negativity seems to seep in. I need to find my PMA again.

[Zues126]

Ss- as hard as it is to remember, sometimes it does just take time. I know I am very smart/analytical too, and I tend default to a tendency of trying to think my way out o the situation. Like ill 'solve' it by coming up with the right perspective that allows me to find Nirvana. The reality is we can't run from out feelings and there wi be a lot of pain from a loss so monumental.

That doesn't mean there's not value in everything we do. I'd like to think we'll learn more from our mistakes, process it more quickly, avoid responding to our emotions poorly, etc, etc. So I'm glad to see you doing all these things. But there is no way to fix it today where it doesn't hurt and you'd be inhuman if you could.

The biggest reason this is important to me is that it would be easy to blame all my unhappiness on the D, and tell myself that someday I'd be healed and either reunited or remarried and I will be in a better spot, yadda yadda. But I often question if this is just me self medicating with a fantasy. What if I can grow but am pretty much always going to have some of the same problems? What if I don't find an R that lasts? What if I never truly process all the emotions and make peace with a decision that is so hard to understand and accept?

I'd love to grow in all those ways and achieve those goals. But I'd also like to be able to enjoy being me. Right now and maybe ways that's a slightly abnormal guy with a screwed up situation feeling a lot of powerful, scary, confusing, inconsistent, and sometimes quite unpleasant emotions.

This isnt very clear so let me share an insight i had once: desperately seeking balance is about as far from being balanced as you can be. But truly accepting that you're just plain out of balance, that is actually very close to the balance we were seeking for before.

Ok, I'm hit or miss, I get it. But keep putting one foot in front of the other because you are on a great road. No clue where it leads so why is it so great? Beats me. Lets just have fun and go with it

[Card29]

Ss, I don't have any profound wisdom for you at the moment, so instead I'll let you know of how you picked up D2 and I last week. When she was sick with a stomach bug, in my thread you referred to her as "pumpkin pie". I thought that was cute, so when she was laying on my chest that night watching football with me, I told her she was my pumpkin pie. She said, "punkin pie?" I said, "Yeah, do you like that?" And she nodded her head calmly. Sweet little moment. Thanks!

[labug]

About your anger, I'm sure you do still have anger at your H but do you think you might have been letting a little anger out at your BFF. You didn't feel OK being angry at her so you jumped on the other person who abandoned you.

Interesting perspective, labug. I need to think about this further. Major projecting? Yes, it's possible. Almost like I was venting about being abandoned by my BFF directly to my BFF but through the guise of bitterness about my H. Sneaky sneaky.

If that's what I did, isn't that just a little sick? Am I THAT dysfunctional? Oy vey.

How much do I typically do that, I wonder.

Most of us do it, we just don't realize it. That's why getting in touch with our emotions, what am I feeling and why am I feeling it is so important. Otherwise, we do react to everything.

uR is giving you great direction and again, I see so many similarities in your story and mine.

You can change. Your life can be different and better. I think I've told you I was so far in a hole, with so many dysfunctional defense mechanisms I thought I would never crawl out.

But I did, I'm even thinking of putting my therapist on an as needed basis. Never thought I'd see the day.

I'm holding good thoughts for you.

[uRworthy]

SS, small steps, big ones, backward ones, all count...as long as you are moving.

You need to live your life as if you have heard and accept that your h doesnt want to be married at this time. That thought helped me figure out how to act.

It meant that I had to learn to rely on me. I hung shelves, did dry wall, fixed toilets. I learned more about finances. I would not call him or ask him to do anything. And I did it, SS.

That also means that he has to live with what he has decided. That includes no longer just comimg over. Sorry, but, he cant have it both ways.

I sense that you are a little afraid to set that boundary. What is that fear about?

It will be better for your daughter to know what is happening, too, when she knows he is seeing her and for how long. Children need that structure.

Yea, I get the manipulation. I also know that the anger keeps you stuck. It keeps you in the bad moments. It stops you from moving forward with your life because you can hold onto it and use it as an excuse.

I will tell you that once you let the anger go and once you start doing things for yourself without asking him for help or running things by him, you will start to feel more in control.

This is your life, S. Start living it. Leave him to whatever it is he is doing. Not your problem right now.

You can do this. Get good and strong. What an amazing opportunity for your daughter to see that. She is watching. Trust me on that.

He can only be as manipulative as you allow him to be. Dont allow it.

[Ss06]

IRT Zeus:

Ss- as hard as it is to remember, sometimes it does just take time. I know I am very smart/analytical too, and I tend default to a tendency of trying to think my way out o the situation. Like ill 'solve' it by coming up with the right perspective that allows me to find Nirvana. The reality is we can't run from out feelings and there wi be a lot of pain from a loss so monumental.

That doesn't mean there's not value in everything we do. I'd like to think we'll learn more from our mistakes, process it more quickly, avoid responding to our emotions poorly, etc, etc. So I'm glad to see you doing all these things. But there is no way to fix it today where it doesn't hurt and you'd be inhuman if you could.

Oh man, you nailed it. I am definitely looking for the right perspective that will open the gates to Nirvana. Are you in my head?

How does one turn off their nature to analyze and think? Isn't this about accepting who I am and fixing things about myself I don't like? I like the analytical part of me... but I guess that's not the point. The point is that certain things help in this situation and certain things don't.

So far, hoping for the right perspective to open the gates to Nirvana hasn't worked. Huh.

And there's no way to fix it today where it doesn't hurt?

Are you sure? What about tomorrow?

I'm so short sighted and unable to sit in the discomfort. It's actually one of the biggest surprise for me in all of this... that I can't seem to find my footing and walk without limping or without resting after two or three steps and then having to look at the map again which leads me to wonder why I'm even on this journey.

We call that denial. Yes, I'll admit it. I was on my way to work this morning and a song came on that made me drift off into a daydream of our vow renewal ceremony and how amazing it would be and how we'd be so strong and committed... and happy. Deep down I thought, "Oh this is totally happening" and only NOW, hours and hours later am I able to come down from that ridiculous cloud and say, "meh, it's unlikely, sister".

Because I can't believe he'd be that much of a fool. Even with the little work I've done, he's a fool.

and here I am talking about him again. Sheesh.

desperately seeking balance is about as far from being balanced as you can be. But truly accepting that you're just plain out of balance, that is actually very close to the balance we were seeking for before.

This is profound, Zeus. Let me say it loudly and clearly:

I am just plain out of balance.

There I said it. And it's true. Very.

True and genuine acceptance is a problem for me. I need a step by step workbook on that, too.

I'm a smart woman but man, I can't seem to wrap my head around half of this stuff on my own. I can barely stand up without someone else telling me exactly how to do it.