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Yes, labug, I realize that. That's great.

It's not what I want.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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I couldn't fathom that either.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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It's what my in-laws do! I've made it pretty clear I won't play it that way. Although we are having Thanksgiving together.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Originally Posted By: Ss06

I don't regret saying it, I regret how I said it and let's be honest, I was reactive. I wanted to set him straight.


Ok, so, in your quest with trying to be less reactive, what would you have done differently?

Originally Posted By: Ss06

And his audacity to think I'll cook him Thanksgiving dinner every year. Ugh, I could have tossed my like warm tea at him.


Did he say that you would cook Thanksgivine every year? Just curious.

Originally Posted By: Ss06

I mean, I'm supposed to wait to decorate the Christmas tree so that he can be part of it. Am I supposed to do that once we're divorced? I think he thinks that's our "arrangement". Is he living in denial or am I being a b!tch?


You dont have to wait to decorate. You dont have to spend Thanksgiving with him. But you should make these decisions from a place of strength and take your daughter into consideration. I am not at all saying that you have to do things the way he wants. Not at all. I am saying that you reacted out of anger and that doesnt serve you well because that isnt who you want to be any longer.

Originally Posted By: Ss06

I do not want to be his bestie. I want to make that clear. He seems to be under the strange illusion that he can walk away but have all the perks of marriage (except sex of course, at least with me). The only thing different about our life now than pre-bd is that he sleeps somewhere else and is more accountable to D.


So, you are feeling taken advantage of. What can you do to stop feeling that way? You have power here, S. You get to choose how you want to live your life.

Originally Posted By: Ss06

Part of me wants him to be uncomfortable, to not like being away from this family as a whole. Then another part of me says it's not my job to teach him lessons. Then I think that I'm done bending over backwards for him and doing what he wants even though it makes me uncomfortable or not at all what I want.


yea, none of those things are good for you. I think you need to figure out what you want for you and make decisions from there. A friend of mine wrote this about boundaries. Maybe they will help.

Think about , very specifically, what you want boundaries on.

List them out and read them (aloud) to yourself. Sometimes reading them aloud will give you a new perspective on them. If they sound funny , then find out why they do, because they might not be a boundary that you need to relay....

Make sure, 100%, that your boundaries are NOT for you to "punish" in any way...

Watch how you deliver them. Make sure that you word them without coming across as controlling.

Closely examine the words "you", and "I" . Anytime one uses those words, there is a strong chance of using guilt, or blame.

"Always" and "Never" are words that can make us hypocrites....try to stay away from them as well.

Make sure that YOU feel good about saying them, and they are only to protect your emotional being, or physical in some cases.

Make sure that you are willing to die on that hill. Meaning is it worth it to even state them.

Do NOT overstate them. Say what you want ONCE, and rest on that. Don't explain yourself, you have your reasons, just like they have theirs.

Then you need to back away, and live with those boundaries, and let them live with them. They will cause them to spin a little, but that isn't your problem now.

Use tact, not anger. Tact was described to me as telling someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip.

Be the person that you want to be, regardless of what happens. You are setting a boundary, not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction.

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Ss, a while back you said "when is that woman going to get out of my head?!"

I have a great friend who told me a long time ago that we all have a committee of other people's voices in our heads, and if we can't get rid of them then we should at least they give us positive messages. If you have someone on your committee who is hurting you, you have to fire them. Then you need to either replace them with someone supportive or leave the position empty so your own voice sounds louder.

Every time you hear your mom contributing to your actions, think "YOU'RE FIRED," very firmly but calmly, and choose a different voice to listen to.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Ss06, while I can completely understand your position, all your future holidays? Why decide on them now? You never know what will happen down the track, or how you'll feel about any of this.

My mother's parents have been divorced for almost 40 years, and for most of my 31+ years we've all had Christmas together, and it works. You just never know.


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
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I totally agree with you about wanting your spouse to feel uncomfortable. I don't feel like my H should be able to have the whole family experience. Plus it's going to be very awkward. But I realize including him will provide an opportunity for me to show him any positive changes I have made. So I go back and forth on this issue. One day I am sure I want him here for Thanksgiving and Christmas and the next day I totally do not want him to join us.


Me: 54
H: 58
Married: 29 years
Together 33 years
H admitted to A: 5/29/14
H moved out :6/15/14
OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H
D23
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Originally Posted By: Ss06
Yes, labug, I realize that. That's great.

It's not what I want.


Right now it isn't. Who knows in the future? And I don't know that it's great, it just works for some families because it works for the kids. My posting was more about opening yourself up, not deciding about the future today.

I would never have thought of doing that until I saw it working successfully for some families I know.

Last edited by labug; 11/15/14 05:10 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I am so full of anger and resentment that I can't seem to move on from it... So I need to face it. All of it in it's disgustingly ugly glory.

I'm on the verge of hating H and while that's somewhat alarming I'm more concerned about my feelings of apathy toward him.

I am not doing well with calming myself and staying centered. D has been a huge handful lately and I'm not handling it well. I just have no patience for having to repeat myself 1,000 times. I can tell she's a bit off kilter and that's not helping me stay grounded. I'm a mess but i look good on the outside.

Ok, that's not really true. A number of people in the last week have asked me if I'm ok. That's not something people have asked me before. I wonder if I have resting pissed off face lately. I have these moments of severe darkness where I think about how all of this is just so typical of H and apparently it's showing on my face. I never could bluff my way out of anything once someone looked in my eyes, I'm a terrible poker player.

To walk away with no plan, to be stubborn for the sake of stubbornness, to have no direction, or personal goal, to not do the work, the real hard work. I'm not mind reading here. I can see that he's making visualization boards of the life he wants, which is great but he's not asking himself what HE did to contribute to the demise of our relationship and that's just so typical.

And I'm the bitter seperatee.

Not attractive but it's reality right now. I'm bitter. There's no question.

I've been meditating every day and I feel good for about 30 minutes after but I can't maintain the feeling of mindfulness for long and the negative thoughts and bitterness creep back into my head and heart.

I think I need some serious time away. I feel like the water level is getting higher and higher everyday and I'm going to slowly drown. How do I stay empowered and strong?

Tonight while D and I were getting ready for our mother/daughter photoshoot (my friend takes our photos and I take hers with her daughter, even exchange. We've done it once before), H came over. He had no idea we were doing this. He asks why D is all dressed up and her hair blow dry, etc. she tells him.

A few minutes later I come down stairs in a skirt, heels, silk top with my hair all bouncy and shiny, makeup applied perfectly, etc and he asks if I'm in the photos, too (duh). I reply, yes.

He asks if these photos are Christmas card photos and his face looked shocked and braced for bad news, like he was about to be hurt and angry.

I said, "the photographer is taking a couple shots of just D and that'll be a holiday photo but the rest are a mother/daughter session".

He seemed relieved that I was implying I wasn't sending out "family holiday cards" with just D and I.

But in reality, if we were divorced, that's exactly what I'd do. If he wants a divorce why can't he face the reality of a divorced life? Separate holidays, separate holiday cards, separate, separate, separate!!!!

I'm angry and bitter about that, too.

I'm the bitter divorcee I always joked about (except I'm not a barfly with Botox like the ones I see around here).

I think I need sometime to hate myself in this stage before moving on.

Last edited by Ss06; 11/16/14 03:12 AM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I want to say something to help you move through it, but I've got nothing. I think you're right, you're going to have to live through this. Just don't linger in this place. Look at it hard, and try to find the path out.

If you're going to live like the separation is permanent then at some point you have to make up your mind to inch towards the person you want to be permanently. You can do that over time, though.

What have you been able to do to get space from your h? That has been key for me finding my equilibrium.

Hugs, Ss.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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