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#2506596 11/12/14 05:10 AM
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Link to previous thread: Inside my chrysalis 6


So the healing has begin. I feel strong and solid thanks to so many of you.

Bring on the grace and happiness... I'm ready.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Hi SS! Wishing you a strong peaceful day!



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Ok, so this is actually thread 8, not 7 so pardon the confusion. Hee hee.

Thank you rpp, I'm looking forward to a good day!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Posts: 1,077
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I saw IC yesterday and she made some incredible observations.

Mostly she noticed that I "seemed different" and pinpointed it to that I was dressing like I had a life and seemed "lighter". I explained how, with all of your help, I'd been doing much better, feeling better about myself and really working on those things that bring value to ME.

At the end of the session she observed that I'd started off talking about myself, my strength, my work, etc. then moved on to talk about US as a couple, how we'd interacted at D's karate tournament, etc., and then ventured into talking about HIM and how he's so difficult to live with.

Fascinating how I did all that in 50 minutes. I KNOW I have more to work on but I seem to want to build a consensus with how un-awesome my H was during our marriage because I think that justifies my terrible behavior.

Interesting huh?

Yes, he is REALLY difficult to live with but I'm no peach.

Plus, if I get a well educated and very experienced therapist to say he's NUTSO for leaving me then that should solve everything right?

Um. no.

Gotta work on my trying to make myself have value by devaluing him. Easy trap to fall into but it isn't the hard work.

Back to the drawing board.

On another note, I'm really struggling with my BFF having completely abandoned me (or at least that's how I feel) in the middle of some really hard stuff and this morning I get a phone call from her husband saying she really needs my comfort and support right now because she had to take her baby to daycare this morning for the first time and isn't handling that very well.

Ugh! I hate that she's going through so much and struggling with this. It's not easy to be a new mom and have to drop your new baby off with someone else while you try to keep your mind on work and whatnot. It's hard and heartache inducing BIG TIME!

But my instinct is to punish and not be there for her because I've had to struggle so much alone.

Could I be more like an 8 year old on the playground?!

I hate this about myself. The score keeping in every situation.

I did call my BFF and talk to her while she sobbed. I told her I'd check in on her later in the day, too.

I just wish my effort were matched when it came to relationships... and when it's not, I punish and pull back and build up resentment.

See a pattern here?

Lots to look inward about right now. LOTS!!!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Well, she gave you some powerful info. Hard to hear, but, important.

You know, S, he had some stuff that he did, you had stuff that you did. Most of them played off each other. You did the best you knew how at the time...so did he.

Whatever happened, did. Cant undo it. It is important to forgive yourself for your part. Your intent wasnt to cause damage to the marriage.

I was really depressed towards the end of my marriage. How I allowed him to make me feel played a part in it. It played a part in his unhappiness.

Do I think that gave him the right to do what he did? No. But that's just my opinion. He obviously had a different one, which is his right. Mine isnt more important than his.

I get what you are saying about your friend. People are just people. Im sure she isnt consciously ignoring your issues. There could be many reasons why she isnt there for you.

If you feel that strongly about it, maybe you can talk to her. It sounds like she is dealing with some stuff, too.

While a friendship should be reciprical, it shouldnt have score keeping as a factor.

You should be the kind of friend you want to be regardless of whether there is any payback. The truth is people do what they do and you cant control it. Their choice to make. Your choice in whether you want to remain in that friendship.

You are doing some great digging...:)

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Once again, uR, you make me think but you help me focus so I'm not a run away train of over analysis and over thinking.

Thank you!

I was talking to my BFF today (I sucked it up. I love her more than I could ever be upset with her. It's nice to be needed and able to give her support. I'm also learning that I need to lean more on myself and not expect everyone else to give me their wisdom nuggets so I can figure myself out) and after talking and empathizing with her situation, she asked how it was doing and much to my surprise I exploded verbally with so much negativity and bitterness.

I was SHOCKED.

What?

I thought I was really making progress and coming to acceptance about all this but my goodness...

I know I'm super comfortable with my BFF but I was aghast and my spewing at the simple question "how's it going".

20 minutes later I stopped and apologized for being so negative because I felt like it wasn't a true reflection of my feelings.

Then she said, "yes it is, honey. It absolutely is."

And she's right.

WHA??

More digging to do. I'm not being hard on myself because I realize this stuff takes major time so I'm being gentle with myself and loving towards the process. But holy moly.

On a separate note (I always have separate notes, huh?), yoga tonight was UBER interesting.

My teacher talked about the difference between feelings and emotions. She said that emotions are sticky and take our feelings and attach to us like barnacles on a ship. After some time, you begin to feel heavy and weighed down from all these sticky emotions. Instead, learning through yoga and meditation how to allow the feelings to ash through you, observe and pay homage but don't let it turn into an emotion and stick to you so you have to carry it around with you until you process that particular barnacle.

Amazing, right??

Anyway... I need to scrape off some of (all of?) these barnacles. They're weighing me down, man.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Thanks for sharing SS. What a profound moment. I think a lot of people do that. I sure do. I decide how I want to feel about a situation, my 'platform' if you will, then deny/surpress feelings that don't fit in. Problem is that it's not as easy as just deciding to be detached because 'why let WAS continue to control out emotional well being?'...the true feelings remain underneath.

I'm still new to the a knowledging feelings game as I've used that model for too long. It's tough to find a balance between denying them and being at their mercy. Good for you for meditating. It may not directly change how you feel about certain things, but it can reduce their power over you I think. And maybe if you can have moments of clarity from beyond the cloud of those feelings you can see things from different perspectives through which your true feelings change naturally.

There's a famous story about a passenger on a bus. Another passenger got on with three kids. The kids were running around and creating quite a disturbance but the father did nothing. Some of the other passengers started glaring at the dad, and looking at Each other in disbelief that he didn't seem to care. Finally the narrator of the story decided to confront the dad and let him know his kids were actin up. He was a little righteous and impatient when he confronted the dad. The dad said 'I'm really sorry. I didn't realize the boys were being so disruptive. Today's been a hard day. We just left from their mothers funeral and I guess none of us really know how to deal with it...'

I still well up reading that. And the point is that the author clearly felt quite a bit differently than he did before that exchange.

Why? What changed? Just his perspective. He suddenly saw beyond his own point of view and began to truly empathize with the pain of another. Suddenly it didn't seem so inappropriate.

That's a good reminder for me right now. It's easy to get stuck in my own view and my own pain. Even easier to 'regain control' and use that pain in a defiant attitude telling ourselves we are better off without our WAS, how dare they treat us the way they are, etc. Maybe there is some truth to that. But I think that truth can only be the right truth if it comes AFTER truly coming to terms wih your own feelings, understanding and having compassion for WAS, and only then making the tough decision that while you still love them and regret what is necessary, a new R isn't healthy. As opposed to making that decision from a place of pain.

Again, very good topic for me tonight, thanks for sharing.

Last edited by Zues126; 11/13/14 05:52 AM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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I'm glad it resonated with you tonight, Zeus.

Your statement that it's tough to find a balance between denying feelings and being at their mercy slapped me right across the face. You're so right.

Because if that I'm becoming more aware of how far in advance I plan how I'll feel about something. Isn't that silly? Because I'm so reactive and I know it, I try to cut back on my reactivity not by addressing what inside me makes me that way but by planning my feelings around every single scenario way far into the future.

I'm wagging the dog to avoid having to look her in the face (I'm the dog in this scenario).

I was meditating to a guided meditation and the guide said, "I want you to simply notice the discomfort you may be feeling rather than try to change it when we scan the body for discomfort in a few moments" and I immediately started to plan for how I'd handle being uncomfortable in a few minutes, how I'd create a miracle by simply noticing it to relax the tension...

I'm even trying to control my meditation. I grasp on to everything. What in the world would happen if I just LET IT BE?? My habits are so ingrained to DO and FIX that I have no idea how to simply BE.

If it weren't so glaring it'd be hilarious. Geez. Today was a big day for awarenesses. I'm grateful though. I'm not stuck and I'm not on the floor crying next to my vacuum.

Onward!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Ss, I think identifying this tendancy of yours was the most critical part. You obviously still have work to do, but keep it up and it will become more and more natural for you. And I'm glad that vacuum was alone on the floor yesterday! smile


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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So you've identified that you try to identify and fix things that should be let be. Better get that fixed. So do you get that fixed or let it be?

Woke up in the middle of the night. Sense of humor may not be up yet. Ill try again tomorrow.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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