Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 5
B
BB14 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
B
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 5
25 years married last june, but separated since Dec 2012, he asked for divorce Jan this year; I was devastated. We owned a business together and have been out of work since we separated; working from home and "hiding away" on special dates visiting a friend outside the country or visiting my daughter who lives abroad. Date for signing in front of the judge is next December 15th... I get sad sometimes, very sad wishing he could change his mind, but says he has thought about it and is better for him and for "us". We had a vacation home to which we used to go every weekend, I put a lot of effort on it but was so misserable going there, differently from you when I had people coming with me I went to the bathroom and cried a lot... so finally decided to take my things out and have not been there since Jan/Feb. He is keeping the house in the D settlement.

I have been applying for jobs, at least have sent 40 CV but no answer at all. Maybe the answer is I have to continue with my business, but is at home and that depresses me... I want to be around people and change my activities.

I am loosing hope as the date approaches, it is little more than a month. Have read the Divorce Busting book but besides being kind (when I have not exploded while discovering he has been visiting pro....tes during at least the first year of separation). Have done the NC for periods but not continuously.

He has been kind with money, each time less, already got an alimony settlement which would allow me to live tight, fair enough I think. Worked shoulder to shoulder for 15 years and before for 8 years in other companies, but have no title. Going back to school in January, but in the meantime I am still having my moments of tough sadness.

Went through a depression, which I think I am getting out little by little cause was medicated but have cut the dosis to 1/4 slowly and of course it is letting me feel now the reality.

Wish there was hope for after divorce, but a change in him would be needed (alcohol, ego, MLC I think)... so wish I could live my life without depending on this hope frown

He talks with my D23 occasionaly and the relationship with my S25 is not ok. I feel he is blaming his dad for filing although I have made my best effort not to poison his brain but he sees the change in me and keeps pushing me to move on which I try sometimes to mask for him so it doesnt affect their relation more. STBXH is so stubborn that he doesnt talk to my S unless he looks for him to have lunch or dinner.

Our life was not perfect together but we didnt have though problems. At the beginning of our marriage back 20 years ago we did but during the last year of marriage he was distant, bought an old car to fix it as new, when separated went back to university and to a single bachelor life, although he is very antisocial; guess that's why he went to those places and paid for what he "needed". Was in a car accident by himself and the car was totally destroyed, he was ok. I feel sorry for him but I know I cant control his acts.

I am a persuer and he is a distant person. Is incredible how we both match the description that much. But just discovered it here and with a little more than a month to sign I dont see a way back. He doesnt want to work on the marriage... says he cares for me and will make sure I dont go through any difficulty (money). But I am also concerned about his health cause he drinks, smokes, doesnt exercise, manages a lot of stress, as far as I know is depressed... sometimes I feel is is a bomb that can explode anytime frown

Thank you for reading me.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and
we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version,
sorry for the confusion.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Reccomended Reading thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483893#Post2483893

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...619#Post2484619

MLC for Dummies
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=1

Great one liners
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post894543

TMAK Reconnection
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...011#Post2485011

Snippits from the Anne Sheffield depression site
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=851708#Post851708

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484259#Post2484259

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

Odds and Ends from Delboy
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2488315#Post2488315

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.

I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 5
B
BB14 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
B
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 5
Thank you so much. I am doing my homework reading the threads and working on me little by little, but makes a difference for sure focusing on me and keep myself busy.

Thank you!


Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard