Just thought I'd post a few thoughts I've been having.
ExH has completely dis owned D15 I guess. He's told D12 he's moving all her stuff out to the garage since she's not coming back, but still won't allow D12 to take her Bow and Arrow to her that's at his house.
He has made no attempt to talk to her, or reconcile anything. His last words to her in August were " If you want to know my side of the story let me know. It's nice that you sit there and pass judgment on me!"
This is all because D15 made it clear that she was not happy he married OW. But as always, whenever EXh gets in trouble and hurts someone, the person he has hurt is the one that gets punished. That's the way it's always been.
This bothers me alot, but as it turns out Im the one having the issue. D15 has talked to me about this several times. she's handling this so well, Im just amazed. I was really bothered when I found out that D12 had quite the birthday with her Dad, more than he's ever done for any of the two since the divorce. I kind of felt he did this to rub it in D15's face. I asked her if she was upset that her sister had such a good birthday but her Dad didn't even acknowledge hers. D 15 said to me " Mom Im not suprised about this. Because I can't be bought! Unfortuneatly sister can!".
Which seems true. Disneyland Dad really seems to work in D12's case.
Geez guys does the resentment ever end? Try as I might to find positive in that man, it simply doesn't exist in my thoughts anymore. There is no co parenting, there is no team work done in raising them what so ever. We literally were thrown out and tossed aside like the trash and replaced with something that he feels is better.
I don't feel victimized, but I sure the hell do feel like the world was dumped in my lap for me to deal with so he can have his MLC.
Kimmerz, Some of them are like the way your xh is. He may be like this for the rest of his life...but no one knows for sure. He's angry that she can't be bought or fooled by his "gracious" behavior. MLCers and Narcs are like that. They are all full of love and attention and want to put on the show for those who will admire them for this behavior, i.e. lavishing that one child w/everything. When a MLCer and a Narc realizes that a person will not be fooled by the mask of goodness, they toss them aside. You might want to do some reading on the NPD. He sure sounds like he's got a touch of it, which was probably brought out to play while he's in crisis.
Your D15 is handling the situation well. She's been aware of him and his behavior all along. She's smart and she knows exactly what he is doing. Does it hurt her? To some degree, but she also is very much aware that one day D12 is going to figure it out and she will be hurt deeply because she no longer will be his little princess.....unless, of course, she continues to play the game of providing kibbles of attention and affirmation to him.
I can understand how you feel, as a mother, but there's nothing you can do about what he's doing. You are doing everything right by allowing your daughter a safe haven to come talk to you if she needs to. I hate to see this type of behavior going on, but in crisis, they generally select the one that is the easiest to fool and w/his NPD traits, it's even more evident.
It's frustrating, but you've got to accept him for who he is today, i.e., a selfish, self centered @sshole who wants only what he wants and that is attention and affirmation from those around him. He's not worried about who he hurts or the damage he's created. Unfortunately, he either will wake up and try to mend the fences or he won't, but that is on him to do.
Co-parenting may not be possible, perhaps do some research on parallel parenting.
We don't have to like who they have become, Kimmerz, but I think we have to accept it because it IS who they are now.
That is interesting, job, about the underlying NPD being brought forth by MLC...sure seems like stbxw's HPD's volume got turned up from 1-3 (kind of endearing or cute) to 10-11 during hers.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Sorry to hear about XH. Telling a 12 year old to tell her sister that he's moving her stuff is not parenting. It is a case of middle school manipulation. Do you think he got confused and thought he was dropped into the cast of "Mean Girls"?
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen is correct in the fact that it's a form of manipulation. Why? Because he knew that your youngest daughter would come home and tell her sister what he had done. He wants a reaction and he's being a bully and vindictive because his oldest daughter is wise and on to his antics. So very childish.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks so much for your replies! It really helps to get a little validation!
Oh yes job, that NPD has been coming on strong and for 5 years prior to the final MLC straw when he went for a magic carpet ride around the moon! And is still gone! Which is fine, I really don't care if he's out there. Let the aliens have him!
I've read alot of NPD disorder. I even found a wonderful site online to help heal from Narcissistic Abuse, for the last 9 years have been nothing but that kind of Abuse from him. Narcissistic abuse will devastate the hell out of you. It damn near broke me. Damn near. It takes a long time to heal from it and there still are scars and buttons that get pushed from time to time. But I have come so far.
I've known I've needed to accept Captain @sshole for what and who he truly is. I think I still tend to be fooled when he puts on his Mr. Nice Guy charm on. When I look at his behavior from an NPD perspective.... everything makes sense. Everything.
And yes he tossed me aside because I began to take a stand in our marriage and quit playing the game! As much soul searching and accountability I was willing to take for issues in the marriage, I still stood strong and wouldn't let him run me completely over! That infuriated him! So what did he do? Look for narcissistic supply elsewhere!
Thing is, his new supplier will get old, Im sure she already has. He told D15 he married her for better finances, but she's not working. She's ill alot according to D12. Yep better finances. She's probably going to die within the next few years, and then who gets her Social Security?
And yes, I felt his actions to D15 were adolescent.Yes he probably needs to be in the cast of mean girls! LOL He's acted as a bully many, many times over the last few years with us. He was a bully as a bartender. And guess what? Exh was bullied as a child, and grew up to be a big strong large man! Whos abusing his power now?
We have not co parented... at all. It's parallel parenting at it's finest. Or basically I do all the raising, he's just weekend fun time Dad.
