I truly grasp that this isn't all about me, it never was.!! And I want all the LBS's to know this!
Takes a while though, doesn't it?
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Why couldn't I be myself? I felt ridiculed and not accepted. By his extreme passive aggressive behaviors, I felt invisible. When frustration built up to anger, then building up to finally voice something, I was dismissed, he down played the situation, criticized me, or got defensive. Then he refused to speak to me for weeks at a time.
To my way of thinking, it seems his actions have been best for you. It freed you, even if that wasn't what you wanted at the time, right?
So I'm wondering, why is it you feel anxiety (or anything for that matter) around him? What's left for you to do for you in order to let go the rest of the way?
Just curious. I know for me it's been a tough road with my ex and her H. It has been like they wanted somebody to punish and abuse. Thinking about it, they seem to want somebody to compare themselves to. But I've learned that only I can allow them to do the things they try to do. I choose how I feel about any of it. I choose how I act. I do.
I know there is nothing I can do for my ex. Her choices, her journey. For a long time I was frustrated at raising my kids without her or worse, with her trying to interfere and harass. I've learned how to deal with that. I've removed the emotional connections and triggers to her. At first, that seemed to really set them off. Just made it take longer.
And it really helped to gain that perspective and really see me for who I am, my part in our relationship, my shortcomings, strengths, etc. I am grateful for that opportunity.
I'm curious what you have to do for you to take that next step and be really free from him? I think you deserve it.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
So I'm wondering, why is it you feel anxiety (or anything for that matter) around him? What's left for you to do for you in order to let go the rest of the way?
Is it reasonable to expect the anxiety (or whatever) to go away?
I love lions. I respect them and see them as amazing creatures. Still, if i was attacked by one, repeatedly, I'm not sure I could go to the zoo and look at one without feeling some anxiety.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Is it reasonable to live your life like that? He's not a lion. He's just a human being.
Don't get me wrong, Heather. I've been through it - PTSD is what it feels like. But I have no intention of living my life with fear and anxiety due to somebody else's choices. I cannot believe that's what I was meant for.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Well I think Lois pretty much summed it up. Im still working through the PTSD thing.... however I think the biggest test in how far I've come was being at his grandmother's funeral while he and OW were there, all snuggly and such. It was somewhat akward, but hells bells, are you kidding me??? I held my head up high, conducted myself like the amazing woman that I am, was looking damn good that day, laughed out loud and enjoyed myself while I was there. Had I not needed to be somewhere, I would've stayed longer! It was so good to see everyone! Screw them both and the infidelity horse they rode in on!
Now that I think about it, since I mastered being in the presence of them both, I think that anxiety is gone!!! I did it! I was able to stand in front of them with my head held high, and not feel like I was the one that lost, or the victim of their choices like I used to feel like!
Ha... well I'll be jiggered. I made it.
It doesn't stop the fact that I still miss the OLD him I remember. And yes when I see glimpses of the OLD him, it still stings a bit.
I have to say, now that I've come through to the other side, that is without a doubt the most spot on definition of the crazy train that we are on with the MLCer!
Some things my Xh did backwards. Like it said just when the LBS decides divorce is the best options DONT' DO IT!
Ok XH filed for divorce on a mood swing (he admits this) and then when I said " ok buddy, lets roll", that's when he started swinging from digging his heels in and not even answering his own attorney and stalling the process, to going Monster on me and stating I was mean to him because my attorney got on his case for refusing to pay child support!
Instead of using bagged salad, I didn't clean the house. He said we never would've gotten married if my aunt hadn't convinced me we needed to and I didn't want to live in "sin" in my grandparents eyes! Uh huh ya right... someone has some serious details mixed up!
Yes I caught him with OW...but he tried to convince me it was friendship.
Oh it just goes on and on.... and guess what when I read that it makes me LAUGH.....
Midlife For Dummies is funny, once you've detached and gotten on w/your life. You can actually go back and say, "yep, that's exactly what happened". They all have some sort of excuse for leaving and many of the excuses make absolutely no sense to us, but to them they do. It's very said.
Just remember, his crisis is about him and there's nothing you could have done to stop it. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Life has a way of working things out and you have to have a lot of patience and hope.
You and your girls are doing fine and will continue to grow and thrive as you walk the path of self discovery.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yep job, I remember reading this a couple years ago and really identifying with it then. But at that point in time I still had some doubt in my mind, that somehow I caused this.
But as time has gone on and his behavior still makes no sense, even if he has moments of almost being normal, what's stated in Midlife for Dummies is exactly what happened!
Perhaps that should be printed out in a tri fold hand out and given to all newly weds!
Something just hit me a few days ago driving home.
XH acted and believed all things would remain the same with us except 3 things.
1. He wasn't going to live in this house anymore.
2. He wasn't going to have sex with me anymore.
3. He wasn't going to give me any more money than what was legally ordered by the court.
Other than that everything was going to stay the same!!! He was going to come and go as he pleased with the kids, come and go inside this house as he pleased, talk to me when he pleased, even visit me in person as he pleased. The divorce negotiations were going to be as He wanted them and I was going to be just fine with it all! It was no big deal that he was leaving me for the OW that he'd been having an affair with for years, I mean why not?
I don't know. I really don't know if this is MLC or just narcissism, I mean a true narcissist Im dealing with. Quite frankly I think it's the later, because his thought process and sense of entitlement over things is just over the top to me. A perfect example is basically the knowing the fact that Im hurt over this, but too bad. He's just going to do what he wants to do and Im just going to have to live with it as well as his kids. He treated it as if it were like telling a 2 year old they couldn't have candy before dinner or something!
Makes me wonder if all the times he does actually appear to have a conscious, if he's just acting.
And I wonder why I have trust issues? My God every thing that any normal human being would have a level of trust with their spouse has been broken by him. He lied on so many different levels with me.
Mine acted in the classic narc fashion when my xsil died.
He had met her once I think, never really spent any time with her and did not know her.
When I told him she died, he waited about 30 seconds gasped in huge horror loud gasp mouth open paused then clapped his hand over his mouth. Another min passes, he then starts saying omg she was sooo young she was x y and z! Over acting at its best.
He mentioned he would contact s16 to offer support, um nope, didn't bother. No card no call.
Even the fact he didn't reply to emails for mediation was my fault! Everything is not his fault even jobs he has done for others, doesn't give a cr@p so narc is quiet true. Even down to I needed to be happy and not stand in his happiness journey as a devoted partner, all about him. No care about me, no remorse no empathy no concern.
And his neat plan included the same 3 points you made above.
Last edited by Ggrass; 11/22/1412:33 PM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
