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It means a lot to hear this from you. Since I came to this forum you have been some kind of inspiration to me. I feel inside a lot like you.
It always bugs me that H did not put any D papers yet. There are no obvious reasons for that. He tells me his heart and brain are sure he needs to move on, but yet he is constantly present in my life. He is even nicer to me then he has ever been before.
He keep saying he is my friend, that he care deeply for me and will always be there for me.
Many times I feel like he is saying: "I need you to change and then you will accept the love I have for you".
I really hope we can keep our family together, I have good kids, they smart, honest, happy. We had many, many good times together as a family. I have faith, God, the Universe, or whatever it is have a plan for us and I am following the plan.
I am up to the task to become a butterfly. I know I am not so young. But who cares, it this is the time to wake up to a new me, then better later then never.
Labug, again thank you for stopping by. Your opinion means a lot to me.
I will keep all my friends posted here, so to have guidance and keep the hope of a better tomorrow.
So, H came in today to pick up the kids. He came into the house and was
quite, gave me a brief hug and kiss. Waited a little bit and was gone.
Came back to just leave the kids. Gave me a brief hug and kiss and was leaving when I asked if I could say something to him.
I walked with him to outside and said that since I will probably not be seeing him tomorrow, that I would like him to know that was worth it, all the way.
He looked at me trying to make believe he didn't know what I was talking about. Poor job, I could tell he was pretending.
H: What was worth? Me: Nothing, just want you to know that. H: Why you saying this to me? Me: Because I want you to know that 18years beside you was very worth it every minute. H: And why you saying you won't see me tomorrow? Me: Well, you were here today for the kids, I don't know if you have any plans with them for tomorrow.
Then H chokes, can't speak, just hug me very tight and for a long time.
Then, he says he really appreciate me saying it to him. That it means a lot to him.
He stand there looking at me, then I said that it was just what I want him to know. That I do not want to bother him.
He says I never bother him. We say good night and he left.
And, I feel like there is a monster in my stomach, I feel weak, lonely. I am paying a very high price for all my stupidities. I don't want to think it is all lost, but I can see he is trying very hard to detach from me.
Maybe I should let go today. I will try not to think much because my guilt feelings are killing me. I will wait until tomorrow is done and I can think better.
I have hope that some time from now I will look back and fell a little better, when pain is not gonna make my heart bleed so much like today.
It's really a crying day for me today. I am leaving now to go to church with two dear friends of mine. I am catholic, but today I will go to a different church for the XMas celebrations.
One of my 180s is also showing that I care. One of the things I lack during my M was to speak out and let my H knows that he was very important for me. So, it may be wrong for DBing, but he also see that I have been changing.
H knows I am in therapy to clean my demons that will allow me to let people love me. He said last wed that he has faith in me, that I am a loving and kind person but that I keep hiding it somewhere.
So, I guess for my sitch it was not so bad to let him know that 18 years have value to me.
About my GAL activities. I need to get real with it. I need to get out of my comfort zone and do more stuff.
And the whole detach has been my big issue, I feel it very hard to detach from my H. I didn't even know how dependent I am on him.
I need to be honest with myself and do it. I keep giving excuses to let go. I really need to get down to the job.
I have been feeling overwhelmed though, dealing with those feelings from the past get me a little frozen. It's like being two persons in the same time.
How is it possible to be friends with a WAW who is involved in an affair? This is a serious question that I struggle with. My WAW said she wants us to work on our friendship. Wahhhhhtt? That is almost unbelievable when someone is consistently lying and cheating. How can I/one be friends with someone like that?
Had a good session with my IC today. We started working on finding myself.
He pointed out how it was when I arrived there for the first time. I couldn't stop crying, blaming myself for the D, feeling like the worse person in the world.
He told me how much I have been growing and changing. He said that is very obvious that my perspectives about life in general have changed and for the better.
He asked what be a save place I could go to feel better about myself or when I am feeling depressed or anxious. It was hard to decide on a safe place, it is like I never tough about a safe place.
He asked me what is one thing that have been bothering me lately. I said that it is procrastinating. He then explain that procrastination is a result of fear.
Then I told him that one of my issues is fear. My insecurities, anxiety, complex of inferiority is all related to fear.
That's one big thing I had w/H. I felt really strong when he was around, I basically knew he always got my back. When he was away, I always felt I couldn't be complete. I that's what I need to work hard now, finding myself and being myself without much fear.
We started doing the EMDR program, then he asked me to close my eyes and go to my safe place, which I chose to be the beach. I started good, saw the water, the waves. Then I started following a lady that was walking along the beach, I noticed that it start getting dark, ugly dark, then I noticed that the lady was me and instead of walking on the sand, she was walking on mud. At this point my chest was hurting, I felt really uncomfortable.
He stop and said we will need to go very slow, this will be a long and painful process. IC wants me to exercise of finding a safe place. IC said that it is very important we find a safe place in order to start working on the hard issues. When I start the hard stuff then I will need to came back to my safe place.
I think the only word that comes to my mind now is HOPE. I am very hopeful that I start cleaning my issues then I will be a better person in a better place.
My emotions are very mixed up right now. Got very depressed reading and following KGirl's sitch. It was like I was feeling all her pain. In some ways I could see myself going through the final bid D and it is not pretty.
Well, I know it's not going to be easy but I need to do this once for all. Have been running from myself my whole life. It's time to smell the coffee and change. Not small or fake changes, but changes in my core as a person.
I have so much to learn, I feel like starting kindergarten all over again.
I mention that this Board have been helping me to keep an eye on the prize, better myself, detachment, boundaries. He is familiar with Michelle's work and agree with it.
Thanks to all of you, I think that reading other peoples conflicts, stories, successes, failures, pain, hurts have been helping me a lot. I find myself being normal e honest, it is amazing how much this board has been helping me to became a person I always want to be.
By the way I have been reading Labug's sitch and I feel so like her. I also have been thinking about some questions that she was asked. Pretty good stuff to make you think.
I am very confused right now, my feelings for H are from loving him with my heart and soul to please disappear forever.
I am angry, feel disrespected, lonely, sad, happy, etc.. It's all together and I need to survive.
